Disclaimer: I have twenty cents. Fill in the blank.

Warnings: Shounen ai, angst, sap, blahdeblahdeblah. ^^;;

Notes: Hi! **wavewave** Hope this is to everyone's liking. I apologize for the sap sap sap. ^^;;

YET ANOTHER STORY

Chapter Seven:

The Hardest Step to Take

He tried to be gentle when he moved me, and he was…but I drifted slowly back into consciousness anyway.

At first, it didn't really register that he was gone. The quilt was still warm around me…I could still feel his chest rising and falling against my cheek, the chair rocking slowly back and forth…

And then I heard his voice, sounding farther away than it should have.

Bringing my palm up to rub at my eye, I squinted out from the folds of my cover, craning my neck to see out. I was alone in the room, huddled against the back of the rocking chair; my stupid heart immediately started pounding, but I willed it to stop. With mildly trembling arms, I pushed myself up to an upright sitting position, glancing around and trying to follow the sound of his voice.

The door was cracked open, and I relaxed slightly as I realized he had only just stepped outside.

"He's fine," Sai was saying in a hushed tone that I had to strain to hear. "As well as can be expected, I suppose. He's exhausted…and just…broken, somehow. I wish I knew how to fix it."

Broken…he thinks I'm broken?

"If it helps, I know what you're going through," said another voice. Well, of course; Sai wouldn't be out there talking to himself. It was good that he was talking to Taka…it was good, because people need to talk about things. "When Miaka thought Nakago had raped her…I didn't know what to do. But we got through it. You'll get through it."

Miaka?? Miaka went through this, and I never knew???

There was a slight pause, and then Sai said, "That was different, though; it was different. He thought it was me, Tamahome. He thought I would…would do something like that! When I knew he didn't want to…and we'd just discussed it!"

I drew my knees to my chest. Don't hate me, Sai…don't hate me. You don't have any reason not to…but please…I couldn't live if…

"I don't believe this happened," he was saying now, his voice sounding strained. "I don't believe it…it's like a nightmare."

Another pause. And my heart caught in my throat.

"I know it will get better," Taka murmured. "It's awful. But I know it will get better. It has to."

Sai let out a breath. "I hope you're right."

"Umm. I'm sorry to change the subject so quickly, but Chichiri called; he just pulled off the highway, he'll be here in ten minutes."

Seishi bonds. Seishi bonds. We'll all be here, then.

"What do you want to do when he gets here? Will you wake him up? Because…he should be a part of it, I think."

I'm still a part of it.

Pause.

"Mm. I'll…I'll go wake him," said Sai softly.

"Hotohori…"

"Mm?"

"Chuin says…he wants to talk to Nuriko. I just wanted you to know; he wants to apologize…"

No…no, I can't see him again, I can't talk to him…he doesn't exist. He doesn't exist. He doesn't exist.

"You keep him away," Sai growled quietly. "I don't care what he wants. You keep him away from us. Understand?"

"I know…I know," Taka was quick to soothe. "I just wanted to tell you what he said, so you'd know where everything stands. I know you don't want to lay eyes on him. I wouldn't either."

"I…I'm sorry. I just…"

"Don't worry. I'm gonna go downstairs and wait for Chichiri…you go in and be with him, okay? See you in a bit."

Taka's footsteps moved off down the stairs, and after a moment, the door creaked open, and Sai stepped softly in. His eyes trailed along the floor, and he appeared deep in thought; when he finally looked up, he seemed surprised to see me awake.

"Oh," he said, smiling. "Good morning…or, good afternoon."

He was too calm. His tone had completely changed from the recent conversation I'd heard, and I didn't like it at all; I didn't want him to hide. He was being strong for me; he was always being strong for me, even when he should have just left me alone, even when I deserved to be alone. And I couldn't let him waste so much…not when it was my fault.

Shakily, I climbed out of the chair, standing rather bedraggled before him; I could feel one of my pajama legs riding up almost to my knee, and I figured I probably looked pretty pathetic and weak.

But you are. Pathetic. Weak. You are.

"Taka says that Houjun will be here shortly," Sai was saying, going around to the chest of drawers. "I'm sorry you didn't get to sleep for very long…but we thought you'd want to be a part of our discussion."

He can't even look at me.

He thinks I'm broken…

"Sai," I said, disgusted by the frailty of my own voice.

He turned then, brow creased, and straightened. When I could not find the breath to continue, he took a few steps in my direction, asking me if everything was all right, if I felt okay…

Don't you dare cry, I told myself.

And for once, I didn't.

I took a deep breath and said, "Sai…I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through this. I know…you're angry, and I just want you to know that…you don't have to stay with me if you don't want to. I mean, I'd…I'd understand, you know, if you…didn't."

There. You said it. You've freed him of his responsibility! Don't you feel better??

I kind of did feel better, because I didn't want Sai to be unhappy. But deep down, I wondered how I'd ever get through this without him. I needed him…I really did. But I wouldn't sacrifice his happiness for mine. I loved him too much for that.

Square those shoulders…set that jaw. You're strong. …At least pretend.

He had straightened, and was staring at me with wide eyes. The gap between us was closed in an instant as he hurried to grasp my upper arms, a confused and almost hurt look on his face. "Why…why would you say that? Why?"

I couldn't look at him. "I don't want you to think you have to stay around just because…you know…you feel obligated…"

"Ryuuen, look at me," he said firmly. When I didn't comply, he shook me gently. "Look at me." I flicked my eyes up briefly, then returned my gaze to his red cotton shirt. He sighed, but continued anyway. "I'm staying with you because I love you! I'm not doing it because of any silly obligation I might feel! I love you and I want to stay with you, and help you through this…because I can't bear to see you in such pain! I don't understand…I don't understand how you would ever think I'd leave you!"

Even though his words made my heart swell, they also made a lump form in my throat. And I knew…I had come too far to go back now. I had to tell him exactly what had happened the previous night. The whole truth. I had to tell him…

"I don't deserve you, Sai…I just don't deserve you." My voice was shaking now, but I wouldn't cry. "Last night…with Chuin…I didn't say no. If I hadn't opened my eyes…I would have let him do any…anything. I wouldn't've protested at all, not at all, and I…don't know if you want to stay with someone…like that."

For the longest time, there was no sound in the room except his agitated breathing.

Any second now, he'll leave…any second now…

"You…will stop this. Right now."

The almost dangerous tone of his voice startled me into looking up, my eyes lingering on his this time. And he looked angry. I'd never seen him angry, not when that anger was directed at me.

His grip on my arms had tightened, and he accented his words with brief, blunt shakes. "You will not blame yourself for what happened," he said, louder this time. Halfway to yelling. "I won't let you do that; I won't let you! How can you think it's your fault??"

Eyes wide, I winced. "S-Sai…"

"How can you think it's your fault when he's the one who attacked you?!" His volume had increased. "He made himself look like me, Ryuuen!! He played with your mind; he made you believe it was me!! How dare you blame yourself for what happened when he assaulted you?? When you were only quiet because you thought it was me?? When I was going to call last night…"

And then…suddenly…he was the one who was broken.

The transition between yelling and sobbing was almost invisible. But suddenly…he was crying. His fingers grew stiff and slid from my body; he collapsed slowly to his knees, holding loosely to the sleeves of my pajamas, his forehead falling to rest against the lower part of my chest.

"I was going to call," he wept. "I had the phone in my hands…I had it in my hands! I wanted to tell you I wouldn't be home until today…and if you would have known that, you would have known he wasn't me, you would have realized…and none of this would have happened…Ryuuen…none of this would have happened…"

I was on the verge of another panic spell. Sai had never done this before…he had never been the one in need of comforting, before it had always been me! I knew that, somehow, he drew his strength from comforting me. But it had never been like this…and I didn't know what to do.

But then…

I know this. I know how to do this. It's been in my dreams for so long…that he'd need me as much as I needed him. I could never wish him pain, but if he should ever be in pain…I'll be there to comfort him. I'll be there. I'll be there…

My ancient voice in my head…it's still me, but different, somehow…

Slowly, I lifted a shaky hand, placed it on his trembling head…stroked the silky hair gently. "Shhh," I said quietly, surprised that I could find my voice. "Shhhh, Hotohori-sama… it's all right. Don't cry. It's all right." My other arm went around his shoulders, drawing him closer, and he brought his arms around my waist, squeezing tight.

Hotohori-sama…don't you know…I'll always be there for you.

Always.

"How could he do this to you?? To you?" he said, muffled by my chest and his tears.

It's all right.

"It's all right," I said. "It just happened…it just happened."

"It's not your fault," he insisted. His voice had grown weaker, tired; but somehow, it still carried its imperial edge. Even after he had broken down in my arms, even with the tears still hanging from his words…he was still fighting. For me.

It's not your fault, he said.

And Nuriko said…I know.

"I…I know," I whispered to him…and all of a sudden, for some reason, I did know. It was as if someone was explaining things to me from a perfectly unbiased perspective…and I believed it. It wasn't my fault that Chuin had fallen in love with me. It wasn't my fault he'd decided to abuse his powers. And I had let him take advantage of me…but I hadn't wanted to.

And that makes all the difference. I didn't want to.

"I know," I repeated, trying to smile. "I know, now…I know."

Hotohori-sama…

"Sai…Sai," I said, my hand on his head. "Are you okay?"

He let out a shuddering breath, hugging me…but he wasn't crying anymore. "I love you. So much. And I would never leave you, even if you told me to."

I kept on stroking his hair. "I know," I whispered. And we stayed there, silent…and it was everything I had dreamed of. I had calmed him. I had made him better, made his tears stop. I was…useful.

I wish I was a woman.

"I wish I was a woman," I murmured habitually, because I'd been repeating everything the voice in my head had said so far. But then…I noticed that Sai had gone a bit rigid, and I realized exactly what I'd just said.

Pulling away again, he gave me a strange look; I blinked down at him dumbly.

"Uhhhhh…I mean…" I stammered. "I don't…I…ahhhhhh…"

He started laughing as suddenly as he had started crying. Tugging me down to my knees before him, he wrapped me in a hug. "I've missed you," he said.

"I didn't mean to make you mad," I apologized. I felt I should. After all…however much it might have helped him, breaking down like that, it can't have helped his pride.

"Ohhh, sweetheart, no," he said quickly, and gave a little sniffle. "No, you don't have to apologize. What you said was normal…as awful as it is, it's normal for people who have been through this type of thing to say that. And I know that, and I still let myself get upset…"

"If I can't apologize, then you can't either," I insisted quietly, hunching my shoulders, losing myself in his arms. "That's the rule."

"Oh, the rule, is it? I see."

I played with the ends of his hair in the silence that followed.

"…Sai?"

"Mm?"

"Are you…are you really okay? Because I…I really want you to tell me if you're not. I want you to tell me everything, I mean, if you're really upset, you'll talk to me, right? I don't want you to hide things, because…that doesn't work."

"I'm okay," he assured me. "I'm really okay. And, to be honest…I didn't know I felt this way. I kept telling myself that it wasn't my fault for not calling, that it was just circumstance. And I thought I believed it. I guess logic doesn't help all the time when your heart is involved."

There was another comfortable moment of silence…and then, the doorbell rang.

"That's Chi…Houjun," he said, making no effort to move.

"Chihoujun?" I joked lamely. "Who's he? Isn't that a city in Wisconsin, or something?"

"Ha ha," he said, gently sarcastic, taking my arms and pulling away to look me in the eyes. "We ought to go down."

His eyes weren't puffy, because he hadn't really been crying for all that long. But he had streaks on his face, and I reached out a hand to brush his cheek. "You should wash your face," I murmured.

You gonna wash your face and stuff?

I shook my head once, a quick jerk, to make the memory go away; when Sai didn't say anything, I raised my eyes to his again. He had a funny look on his face, at once passionate (!!!) and hesitant, and I was a little confused as to exactly what was wrong. But then I saw the question in his golden irises, and I knew what he was asking…I knew what he wanted. And I wanted it, too…but last time…last time it had hurt, it had been strange and hard and rough, and what if it was all ruined because of that one awful kiss?

But my heart said, go ahead…this was Sai. It was only Sai. It was Sai's beautiful face gazing at me, the expression belonging only to him, never mirrored by anyone else, not anyone…not even someone who might have looked like him for a brief time. And Sai's eyes, begging the question…I knew he would be kind if I refused, I knew he would be patient. It was all there, in his eyes. So I relaxed, staring nervously up into his eyes and replying wordlessly with my own.

Please.

His mouth twitched upward at the corners, and then, ever so slowly, he bent his head and kissed me. So gently. So carefully that the slight pressure wasn't even enough to make my bruise hurt, not the faintest bit. And it was just like it had always been.

Just him and me.

Just him and me.

I'm not broken, after all.

He pulled away after a while, smiling softly as I tried to keep myself from drooling at his utter and undisputed perfection. Brow creasing just a little bit, he drew his thumb under my eye. "Are…you crying?" he said softly. "Are you all right?"

And I gave him the first genuine smile I'd had in what seemed like forever. "I'm just happy," I quavered. "That's all."

His forehead smoothed out, and his own smile deepened. "Will you be all right?"

"Yeah." I nodded. "As long as I have you, and those bozos downstairs. I don't think you guys'll let me mope for long."

With a brief, incredulous little laugh, he shook his head. "Ryuuen, of all the appropriate times to mope…"

"I know," I said. "But still…there's no use dwelling on it, right? It's over. And I…I know what to look for in people, to make sure they're them, so I won't make the same mistake again, I won't…" I cut myself off, realizing I sounded a little loony. Closing my eyes, I tilted my chin down to my chest and swallowed. "Well," I amended quietly, "so I'm not a hundred percent yet…but I'm better than I was half an hour ago. A lot better. And the hardest step to take is the first one, huh?" I lifted my head again, smiling brightly.

And there was nothing but love shining back at me.

"C'mon," I laughed, giving Sai a gentle shove in the chest. "Go wash your face, or else people will think you leak."

He continued to look at me adoringly until he succeeded in making me blush. Then, bringing his head down to kiss my forehead, he stood up and headed off toward the bathroom. And I crawled up once again onto the rocking chair, pushing it into action with my legs, and waited for him to finish.

He'd kept the bathroom door open, just in case.

TBC…

Notes: ^_^() I'm tired…sorry for the sap. Hope you guys liked it. **tired smile** Ahhh, and Bashou-chan! ^__^ I appreciate your comments on the last chapter; know that this Sai thing was in the works at the time, but your review certainly helped finalize it. ^__^

YET ANOTHER STORY AKUGI (kinda)

Ryuuen: How come I cry so much in this fic and the one that came before it??

Mouse-chan: …Uhh…I'm tired.

Ryuuen: **stomps foot** Whyyyyy??

Mouse-chan: Because you never got any emotional release in the series and you really needed it, that's why.

Ryuuen: But, still…

Mouse-chan: And besides, you were just nearly raped!! I think you'd be a little shaky where nerves were concerned.

Ryuuen: Oy vey, now she's talking about nerves…I think your thesis has brainwashed you.

Mouse-chan: But the British Army at the start of the Great War was convinced that shell shock was just another form of cowardice, used by men who didn't want to fight…

Ryuuen: HELLO???? **whap!!**

Mouse-chan: **blinkblink** Mr. Sassoon?

Ryuuen: Uhhh…no.

Mouse-chan: Oh.

Ryuuen: I think you oughta go to bed now; you're scaring people.

Mouse-chan: Okayyyyyyy.