Tomodachi
by
Nana
Chapter 4
The Things She'll Never Say
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Author's Notes: The plot thickens! This chapter is written mostly in Sango's POV. Should she go with Miroku to the prom or not? Heeheehee…I really haven't decided yet. We shall see, ne?^^
Special Thanks: Very special thanks go to Neko-chan, who first posted the song below at sangomiroku ML. It is indeed the perfect song for Sango's thoughts on Miroku, and definitely deserves a special place in this chapter! Thanks so much, Neko-chan!
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Not a single character (except for Minami-chan, but who wants to own her??)^^
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I'm tugging at my hair
I'm pulling at my clothes
I'm trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head
(Cause) I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
It don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What's on my mind
It ain't coming out
We're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care
What's wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I've got nothing to say
Yes I'm wishing my life away with
these things I'll never say
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you...away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
These things I'll never say
The Things I'll Never Say
--Avril Lavigne
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7:23 am.
Sango knew that she would not be able to catch him if she were to spend more time sitting here on a park bench. The basketball courts were a mere two hundred meters away, and surely he would be packing up by now.
She had done her best not to come to the park this morning to avoid any run-in, but her wayward mind, honed from six years of habit, had flatly refused to comply with reason.
Once in the park, she had tried with all her might to put off the inevitable by doing her morning run around the perimetry of the grounds, but she found her legs carrying her deeper and deeper into the park, to the direction of the basketball courts.
This park bench was her last post before she totally lost her resolve, and now here she was, sitting and whiling away the time, wishing he would just hurry up and go away. It was the only way she could save her from herself.
Perhaps it is better this way…
After all, the last word had been said yesterday. Although she had done a good job concealing it, the way he had proposed to her had irritated her immeasurably. Then and there, she had made up her mind.
So what was she doing here, sitting on a park bench and playing patience with her troubled mind?
Because, she thought dryly, if I don't clamp down hard on it, I'm going to find myself running over there to him in record time…
She stared down fiercely at her legs, willing them not to move.
And what was she going to do when she got there? What was she going to tell him? There was nothing else left to say, and she knew it.
Only…
Only what?
She had left him standing in the school corridor without waiting for him to say a word, and she had spent the greater part of last night anxiously mulling over it.
What would he say? What would he think?
Not, she thought with a firm shake of her head, that it mattered to her, but still…
Six years was a long time, but since when had Terada Miroku been a habitual tenant in her thoughts?
He's far too regularly inside your head for you to start denying it to me now, my dear, so you might as well not try…a treacherous part of her brain hooted before she could start making her usual excuses to herself.
Sango let out an unhappy sigh.
Staring at the peaceful, green surroundings before her, at the dappled pattern of sunlight and the shadows of trees at her feet, Sango briefly wondered how it would have been if, six years ago, she had not come for basketball practice that fateful day when they had first met and subsequently, had not gotten to know him. He would have just been another regular (and popular) classmate in school, and they would have no reason whatsoever to talk to each other at all.
But it did not happen this way. Instead, twelve year old Hinomori Sango had gotten up at her usual hour that particular morning and, without a slightest clue that the day was going to be a crucial turning point in her life, had started for the park for her daily basketball shootout.
Sango had been a big fan of basketball ever since she could remember. The courts were usually empty during the early morning hours, which meant she did not have to worry about older guys bullying her out of her practice space.
She had settled down so much to a routine that she had even picked a favorite among the basketball courts. She had chosen a relatively secluded one where the shadows of trees would at least screen out the harsh morning sun.
When she got there, though, she had been surprised and more than a little miffed to find that somebody had beaten her to her favorite court. Hearing the sound of a ball beating against the concrete had been warning enough.
Finally, after she was able to catch a glimpse of the culprit from the bushes, she had been relieved to find that it was a boy no older than she was.
This was easy. He looked just about her age, which meant she could just chase him off and be done with it.
He had not been aware of her as she advanced, and had started when she called.
"Hey."
She could tell she had startled him, but not enough for him to lose the point he had thrown into the basket just then.
Sango watched as the ball sliced clean through the net, and turned back to face him.
"Nice shot," she said as way of starting her argument.
"Thanks," he said, and grinned.
Sango stared at his smiling face, and found that she had almost forgotten what she had intended to say to him. She quickly got back on track.
"Are you new here? This is the first time I've ever seen you around," she said.
"Well, yes. My family just moved in a few days ago," he said as he made for the ball and began dribbling again.
Sango frowned. "Right. I can tell you're new. Otherwise, you'd have seen me here everyday," she said.
"Really? You like basketball that much?" He asked, turning back to her with an interested look.
"I do. I also like this basketball court a lot," she said bluntly.
He continued to look at her. It was clear that he had understood her intensions.
What came out of his mouth the next minute was entirely unexpected, though.
"Do you?" he asked, a small smirk starting at the corner of his mouth.
"Hai."
"Then you know what you have to do, don't you?" he asked.
"And what is that?"
"Fight me for it."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me," he said, tossing the ball over to her. "A game of twenty-one. If I lose I go. If you lose…"
"If I lose…?" Sango had her brows up by this time. The nerve of this guy! How dared he even suggest she could lose to him??
"I haven't decided yet," he said easily. "So how about it?"
"Fine," she said.
She had lost by two points.
Remembering that particular episode now, Sango could still feel the rush of humiliation at finally being beaten at a game of twenty-one. By a guy no less!
She could remember the way the warmth had rushed to her cheeks--a first time occurrence.
The boy did not stop then. He fetched the ball and said, "best of three. Come on!"
And the game went on.
In the end, it did not matter who had won that day, the fact remained that they had continued playing twenty-one against each other ever since. And Sango had forgotten all about her intentions to drive him away.
Until now…
But he was still there in the courtyard. She was the one who was driving herself away from her own court.
Sango stood up, aware that this was just a flimsy excuse that she needed to concoct in order to justify to herself that she needed to see him, but it was good enough.
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He was staying longer than usual. He was still there when she crossed the foliage and finally got to the court.
This time though, there was no greeting. There was nothing but chilly silence when he turned his head and saw her standing half a court away. The ball he had let go struck the iron ring of the hoop and bounced away unnoticed.
What had she intended to say? She was going about the whole thing haphazardly, without a concrete plan. She guessed that even if she did have one, it would not have done any good. Right now, words failed her. She stood there, staring back at his serious expression nervously. Firmly resisting the urge to grasp and twist her shirt with her hands, she kept them at her sides.
"I--I thought you've gone," she said when the silence threatened to stretch on forever.
"I thought you weren't coming," he said.
"I had other things to do," she said.
And other things to think about…she added silently.
"Honto?" he said.
He was standing there with the sun shining down on his head, looking so grave, and Sango felt her heart twist.
How could he possibly do this to her every single time they met?
Say something, dammit…
"About yesterday…"
There. She had done the impossible. She had opened a topic she swore she was not going to discuss.
"What about it?" He continued politely.
Sango looked away, feeling her cheeks burn with embarrassment. He did not look the least bit interested, and she was damned if she was going to have to explain herself to him.
"Nothing," she muttered. "It's late. I'll see you in school."
She turned to go.
"Sango."
Kami…what is he going to say? Sango turned a fraction, not quite meeting his eyes.
"You were mad at me yesterday, weren't you?"
Silence.
"Was that the reason why you turned me down? Because you were just mad?"
Sango's head snapped up, aware of anger brushing aside all rational thought. Here she was, anxiously waiting for him to say something--anything--and this was all he had to say??
"No, I wasn't just mad!" she gritted through clenched teeth. "I already told you why I'm going with Takeda, and I am not telling you that again!"
"Then what are you doing here?"
Right. What was she doing here?
Kami, please don't ask me that…
Without warning, it came out.
"All right. I admit. I was mad yesterday. I'm sick of you treating me like I'm some charity case you're obliged to look after. And Takeda--Takeda never felt he had to use that kind of reason to ask me out. You're so--so in on yourself you feel like things have to revolve around you all the time! I mean, if you're looking for that kind of attention, why don't you just ask one of your girlfriends to take you back?"
Sango gasped and fell silent, aware that she had crossed the line.
"That thing with girlfriends again," he said, eyeing her thoughtfully. "I have a feeling you're not telling me something."
She turned rigid, feeling the color rise to her face.
"That thing with Minami-chan when we were in first year--"
Sango paled as she heard the name. She had not heard it in a long time. She did not want to hear it now.
"We are not having this conversation," she snapped, trying desperately to keep the panic from showing in her voice. "I'm going."
Without another word, she turned and fled.
And all the time she was running away, she could think of only two things…
How could he have known? How could he have made the connection?
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And where did Minami-chan fit in?
See, it was like this…
Shino Minami had followed Terada Miroku around for the best part of their last year in junior high, and Miroku had finally given in when they were in first year senior high school.
Sango had viewed the girl with amused compassion, wondering what the poor creature could ever want so badly in a guy like Terada to cling so. Already, he was earning himself quite a reputation as a school basketball player. Ever since more and more girls were turning their heads his way, he was fast turning into a flirt as well.
And so Sango had supposed that the girl had thought his image wildly romantic.
What she had not been prepared for was the announcement Minami had made to her that they were actually a couple now.
The tone she had used had not only carried satisfaction, it was laced with warning.
Back off.
Wasn't that the fate of every girl who had a guy for her best friend? Would it not, ultimately, lead to some misunderstanding when he finally had a girlfriend?
Even as she tried to explain to Minami that she meant no harm, Sango had been aware of a strange, twisting pain lancing through her heart, followed by numbness. It only occurred to her later that she did not need to explain anything to Minami, and she never did again.
It was so strange that they had to grow up sooner or later.
Was it not natural that they had no choice but to drift apart as they got older? Sango was aware that the day would come eventually; it was just that she had not expected it to come so soon. She felt like she had been left behind.
Miroku had merely shrugged and laughed when she chided him for not telling her.
"Well, yeah. I suppose we are," was all he said when she asked if they were now, indeed, a couple.
They had lasted exactly a month. In the end, Miroku had gotten tired with Minami's constant, tearful refrain about his still being friends with the other girl. He had given up, and Minami had moved on.
Before she did though, she had to put up a memorable scene in the school hallway.
"If you really like her that much, then why don't you just make her your girlfriend?" she had said as she burst into tears and ran away from a stunned Miroku.
Sango had never been more unnerved or embarrassed in her whole life, but she had also felt pity for the girl.
By then, she had learned a few valuable lessons as well. She had realized that the only way she could spare her heart from being constantly bruised was to keep certain things to herself.
The things that she would never say were, indeed, best left unsaid. After all, how would Terada Miroku handle it if he were to know that by the time they had turned sixteen, he had become the whole world to her?
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Vocabulary:
Honto?- Really?