WHEN YOU EAT AND DRINK
Jesus lifts a shaking hand to his head and tears at his hair unable to bear
the tension that lies under the cover of deceptive tranquility.
I MUST BE MAD THINKING I`D BE REMEMBERED His fist whistles down onto the table sending waves of pain through his right arm. His disciples look startled up, watching his mask of kindness shatter into pieces, revealing a grimace of fury, uncovering a heart consumed with hot glowing jealousy. All stare at him, their eyes widened in unbelieving shock, all but one. The only one who`s ever understood what he said, the only one he`s loved like a brother, the only one who`s stolen his love away from him, the only one who`s betrayed him and would betray him again. Jesus narrows his eyes and presses firmly his lips together. Judas deserves it. Beeing damned for all time is what he deserves, as he has been damned himself; dammned to look into Mary`s eyes just to see the reflection of him. To know that it`s Judas she desired to touch, that it`s Judas she longed to kiss. Judas she yearned to hold. A hot flame eats ist way into his entrails. Judas deserves to be damned, seperated from her body as he was seperated from her soul.
YES I MUST BE OUT OF MY HEAD He tears himself away from the table trying to rip these thoughts off his mind. Where is she? Why isn`t she here? Has Judas kept her somewhere planning to take her with him, once he has gotten rid of him?
LOOK AT YOUR BLANK FACES MY NAME WILL MEAN NOTHING TEN MINUTES AFTER I`M DEAD He storms blindly anywhere desperately trying to get away from these morons who follow him declaring their love. As if he cared! ONE OF YOU DENIED ME ONE OF YOU BETRAYED ME He extends his hand to Peter. PETER HAS DENIED ME THREE TIME HAS DENIED ME
He stares wildly at his shellshocked disciple, his blue eyes flashing with growing madness. AND THAT`S NOT ALL I SEE ONE OF YOU HERE DINING ONE OF MY TWELVE CHOSEN WILL LEAVE TO BETRAY ME
Judas swallows hard and blinks away a tear. So this is it, the point of no return, the last step to go, the last deed to do. Now the die is cast. It`s not fair why has it to be him? Why has he to carry the fault of a deed he never wanted to do and yet has to do? Why is it him again who`ll be damned for all time, when he isn`t anything more than just a puppet on a string? Infuriated he clenches his fists and jumps up. CUT OUT THE DRAMATICS; YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHO Jesus. How dare he? How dare he pretend this is all a play? How dare he show himself as the innocent victim of evil betrayal? How dare he keep up a martyr´s masquerade when he knows the tricks he`s been playing on him and Mary?
Jesus slowly turns around and gazes with narrowed eyes at Judas. The cold anger in his blue eyes hits upon Judas` burning blaze, vaporizing the friendship that has bound them once. WHY DON`T YOU GO DO IT? Judas gasps. Jesus still mocks him? After all he has done? What right does he have to force this decision on him? What right does he have to make him pay for his sins? YOU WANT ME TO DO IT? Beside himself with rage Judas chases Jesus around the table. Flaming fire shoots through his veins, scorches his soul, cremates his reason, leaving nothing but a shaking shell, burning with devouring blaze of wrath. HURRAY THEY ARE WAITING Having stopped their mad chase at last, Jesus stands on Judas` place and Judas on Jesus`. Who´s the betrayer? Who`s the betrayed? Blue eyes flash with autocratic anger at Judas, infuriating the bitter rage that`s burning him from inside. How can Jesus be so blind? How can he be so short-sighted? Doesn`t he really see that his selfish little ego trip rushes them all into perdition? That his stupid jealousy and megalomanie has trapped them all in a web of deception and destruction nnone can escape? Does he care for anyone but himself? Does he care for Olivia at all? He hasn`t even tried to find her, hasn`t tried to save her. A bubble of boiling rage rises up inside Judas, poisoning every feeling, every thought, rising higher and higher till it explodes in a bloodcurdling scream. IF YOU KNEW WHY I`D DO IT
Jesus flares furiously at him, his hand hits the table hard trying to solve the unbearable tension. I DON`T CARE WHY YOU`D DO IT But in vain. The tension only increases, taking away the breath of both men. Hurt and bitterness holds them tighly in their clutches. The air is thick with unspoken accusations, unsaid curses. Not knowing what do do with all his aggressions Judas sweeps all things from the table. Like a knife his voice cuts the air. TO THINK I ADMIRED YOU FOR NOW I DESPISE YOU This can`t be the man he admired once. That can`t be the friend he`s known. This is just a stranger, a madman blindly destroying everything he`s ever believed him, ruthlessly taking everything away he`s ever loved. YOU LIAR YOU JUDAS The words shoot out of Jesus` mouth like missiles, striking Judas to the core. This is the man who has made him what he is, stealing his life, and worse stealing his personality. This is the one who has made his name an insult. Judas flashes at Jesus, his dark eyes blazing with profound fierceness. How much he wants to hurt him! How much he wants to rip away the mask from his hypocritical face, to shatter the facade of decency that has made him the messiah everyone wants to see.
YOU WANT ME TO DO IT WHAT IF I JUST STAYED HERE AND RUINED YOUR AMBITION? For a moment Judas wallows in the idea to make it true, to stay there and spoil the game for all, for Simon, for Annas, for Jesus. What would Jesus do if he didn`t betray him? Would he run to Annas himself? Would he just stare at him with these baby-blue eyes, not believing that Judas would really ruin his big chance of becoming a martyr again? Judas almost smiles, but then the image of Olivia flashes through his mind and his mood darkens. Annas wouldn`t tolerate him spoiling his sordid game. And he doesn`t want to imagine what would happen to Olivia, if she fell into the hands of a devil who was snorting with rage, keen on taking revenge, or what a coldblooded highpriest could do to her, if his plans were thwarted. Tears shoot to Judas eyes as he realizes the hopelesness of his situation. He doesn`t have a choice, his hands are tied. He can`t stay and give the story a different turn. He has to go and set the wheel in motion. He swallows and a hard gleam flickers in his dark eyes. And whose fault is this all? Who has brought them so far? CHRIST YOU DESERVE IT He almost gives a hysterical laugh. Jesus has no idea what fine mess he has made there. Like always he only sees himself, doesn`t look further than to the edge of his hurt feelings, of his jealousy and rage.
Seeing the glowing contempt in Judas` eyes, Jesus can`t control himself anymore. How can Judas accuse him? After all he`s the messiah and Judas` the betrayer. He has redeemed the whole world and Judas is damned to fry in hell. How could Judas contempt him, make him responsible for what he`s gonna do? How could he dare to hide Olivia from him? His Olivia, his Mary. She ought to be at his side. A hot wave of rage washes through Jesus` body, roaring loudly inside his ear, as he yells out. HURRY YOU FOOL HURRY AND GO SAVE ME YOUR SPEECHES I DON`T WANT TO KNOW! GO!
I MUST BE MAD THINKING I`D BE REMEMBERED His fist whistles down onto the table sending waves of pain through his right arm. His disciples look startled up, watching his mask of kindness shatter into pieces, revealing a grimace of fury, uncovering a heart consumed with hot glowing jealousy. All stare at him, their eyes widened in unbelieving shock, all but one. The only one who`s ever understood what he said, the only one he`s loved like a brother, the only one who`s stolen his love away from him, the only one who`s betrayed him and would betray him again. Jesus narrows his eyes and presses firmly his lips together. Judas deserves it. Beeing damned for all time is what he deserves, as he has been damned himself; dammned to look into Mary`s eyes just to see the reflection of him. To know that it`s Judas she desired to touch, that it`s Judas she longed to kiss. Judas she yearned to hold. A hot flame eats ist way into his entrails. Judas deserves to be damned, seperated from her body as he was seperated from her soul.
YES I MUST BE OUT OF MY HEAD He tears himself away from the table trying to rip these thoughts off his mind. Where is she? Why isn`t she here? Has Judas kept her somewhere planning to take her with him, once he has gotten rid of him?
LOOK AT YOUR BLANK FACES MY NAME WILL MEAN NOTHING TEN MINUTES AFTER I`M DEAD He storms blindly anywhere desperately trying to get away from these morons who follow him declaring their love. As if he cared! ONE OF YOU DENIED ME ONE OF YOU BETRAYED ME He extends his hand to Peter. PETER HAS DENIED ME THREE TIME HAS DENIED ME
He stares wildly at his shellshocked disciple, his blue eyes flashing with growing madness. AND THAT`S NOT ALL I SEE ONE OF YOU HERE DINING ONE OF MY TWELVE CHOSEN WILL LEAVE TO BETRAY ME
Judas swallows hard and blinks away a tear. So this is it, the point of no return, the last step to go, the last deed to do. Now the die is cast. It`s not fair why has it to be him? Why has he to carry the fault of a deed he never wanted to do and yet has to do? Why is it him again who`ll be damned for all time, when he isn`t anything more than just a puppet on a string? Infuriated he clenches his fists and jumps up. CUT OUT THE DRAMATICS; YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHO Jesus. How dare he? How dare he pretend this is all a play? How dare he show himself as the innocent victim of evil betrayal? How dare he keep up a martyr´s masquerade when he knows the tricks he`s been playing on him and Mary?
Jesus slowly turns around and gazes with narrowed eyes at Judas. The cold anger in his blue eyes hits upon Judas` burning blaze, vaporizing the friendship that has bound them once. WHY DON`T YOU GO DO IT? Judas gasps. Jesus still mocks him? After all he has done? What right does he have to force this decision on him? What right does he have to make him pay for his sins? YOU WANT ME TO DO IT? Beside himself with rage Judas chases Jesus around the table. Flaming fire shoots through his veins, scorches his soul, cremates his reason, leaving nothing but a shaking shell, burning with devouring blaze of wrath. HURRAY THEY ARE WAITING Having stopped their mad chase at last, Jesus stands on Judas` place and Judas on Jesus`. Who´s the betrayer? Who`s the betrayed? Blue eyes flash with autocratic anger at Judas, infuriating the bitter rage that`s burning him from inside. How can Jesus be so blind? How can he be so short-sighted? Doesn`t he really see that his selfish little ego trip rushes them all into perdition? That his stupid jealousy and megalomanie has trapped them all in a web of deception and destruction nnone can escape? Does he care for anyone but himself? Does he care for Olivia at all? He hasn`t even tried to find her, hasn`t tried to save her. A bubble of boiling rage rises up inside Judas, poisoning every feeling, every thought, rising higher and higher till it explodes in a bloodcurdling scream. IF YOU KNEW WHY I`D DO IT
Jesus flares furiously at him, his hand hits the table hard trying to solve the unbearable tension. I DON`T CARE WHY YOU`D DO IT But in vain. The tension only increases, taking away the breath of both men. Hurt and bitterness holds them tighly in their clutches. The air is thick with unspoken accusations, unsaid curses. Not knowing what do do with all his aggressions Judas sweeps all things from the table. Like a knife his voice cuts the air. TO THINK I ADMIRED YOU FOR NOW I DESPISE YOU This can`t be the man he admired once. That can`t be the friend he`s known. This is just a stranger, a madman blindly destroying everything he`s ever believed him, ruthlessly taking everything away he`s ever loved. YOU LIAR YOU JUDAS The words shoot out of Jesus` mouth like missiles, striking Judas to the core. This is the man who has made him what he is, stealing his life, and worse stealing his personality. This is the one who has made his name an insult. Judas flashes at Jesus, his dark eyes blazing with profound fierceness. How much he wants to hurt him! How much he wants to rip away the mask from his hypocritical face, to shatter the facade of decency that has made him the messiah everyone wants to see.
YOU WANT ME TO DO IT WHAT IF I JUST STAYED HERE AND RUINED YOUR AMBITION? For a moment Judas wallows in the idea to make it true, to stay there and spoil the game for all, for Simon, for Annas, for Jesus. What would Jesus do if he didn`t betray him? Would he run to Annas himself? Would he just stare at him with these baby-blue eyes, not believing that Judas would really ruin his big chance of becoming a martyr again? Judas almost smiles, but then the image of Olivia flashes through his mind and his mood darkens. Annas wouldn`t tolerate him spoiling his sordid game. And he doesn`t want to imagine what would happen to Olivia, if she fell into the hands of a devil who was snorting with rage, keen on taking revenge, or what a coldblooded highpriest could do to her, if his plans were thwarted. Tears shoot to Judas eyes as he realizes the hopelesness of his situation. He doesn`t have a choice, his hands are tied. He can`t stay and give the story a different turn. He has to go and set the wheel in motion. He swallows and a hard gleam flickers in his dark eyes. And whose fault is this all? Who has brought them so far? CHRIST YOU DESERVE IT He almost gives a hysterical laugh. Jesus has no idea what fine mess he has made there. Like always he only sees himself, doesn`t look further than to the edge of his hurt feelings, of his jealousy and rage.
Seeing the glowing contempt in Judas` eyes, Jesus can`t control himself anymore. How can Judas accuse him? After all he`s the messiah and Judas` the betrayer. He has redeemed the whole world and Judas is damned to fry in hell. How could Judas contempt him, make him responsible for what he`s gonna do? How could he dare to hide Olivia from him? His Olivia, his Mary. She ought to be at his side. A hot wave of rage washes through Jesus` body, roaring loudly inside his ear, as he yells out. HURRY YOU FOOL HURRY AND GO SAVE ME YOUR SPEECHES I DON`T WANT TO KNOW! GO!