A Memory Found
by: Mystical Dragon
Draco pounded over his head on the trapdoor that lead to Trelawney's tower and wondered, for the millionth time, if this was a good idea. But Trelawney was in charge of counseling Snape, Draco had pestered Dumbledore until he had admitted that was the reason why Snape was seeing her, and Draco wanted Trelawney to have as much knowledge about the effects of the Cruciatus Curse as she could. Snape had to get better. He just had to.
The trapdoor opened and Trelawney stood there, smiling at him. "I was expecting you."
"Your inner eye?" Draco asked, trying valiantly to keep the disgust out of his voice.
"Yes," Trelawney said airily, "it is quite a burden."
"I bet," Draco mumbled under his breath as he clamored into the room and pulled out the book he had stolen from his father from his knapsack. The page that had Lucius's name on it was ripped out. "Don't ask me where I got this from, but read it. It'll tell you all you need to know about the Cruciatus Curse to help Professor Snape out. And," Draco took a deep breath, "since you should know everything about your patient and Snape may not admit it, he was abandoned in Knockturn Alley when he was three and raised in the Orphanage there until he was nine, and then he lived on the streets. Don't tell anyone.
"I won't," Trelawney said as Draco looked up at her he suddenly realized she wouldn't. He could trust her.
"Thanks," Draco muttered.
"Draco," Trelawney said softly. "Severus will be fine."
Draco looked at her, wondering if she was telling the truth or not. Did she know? Or was she guessing?
"I hope so too," Draco said as he climbed back down.
Vincent and Gregory were standing there, waiting.
"Well," Gregory asked. "What did you see her for?"
"I had to turn in some homework," Draco lied. "I forgot to do part of the assignment."
Both Gregory's and Vincent's eyes glazed over at the mention of homework. It was amazing both of them were still in Draco's grade, they would rather clean toilets with toothbrushes than do homework.
They wandered back to the Slytherin dungeons, Draco feeling quite put out with the thought that Lupin was with Snape. He was sure Lupin would invite Granger, Weasley, and Potter to Snape's room and Draco didn't like the thought of Potter being in Snape's rooms.
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Remus glanced at the closed bedroom door, slightly worried. It was lunch time and Severus hadn't made a sound. Was he asleep? Should Remus wake him? Pomfrey had been explicit about not letting Severus skip meals.
Remus glanced at everyone, trying to decide. Harry and Ron were sitting on the rug Lupin had conjured up and busily engaged in a game of chess while Ginny watched. Hermione was standing in front of one of Severus's many bookshelves and looking through the books on it, her eyes quite bright with each new discovery. Sirius was waiting impatiently for Remus to make the next move in their game of Wizard's Othello. None of them seem to notice the time.
"It's lunch time and I need to get Severus up," Remus said.
Sirius grimaced but he didn't say anything, which encouraged Remus, Sirius was willing to put his hate aside until he knew if Severus was going to be okay or not. Even Ron looked rather indifferent.
"Call a house elf and have them set up the table with lunch in here," Remus said, "and I'll get Severus."
Remus knocked on the door and then pushed it open. Severus was already sitting up in bed, wide-awake, a book and piece of parchment in one hand and a quill in the other.
"Yes?" he asked, looking at Remus with the same rather vacant expression that had been on his face since Karkaroff's little surprise.
"It's lunch time," Remus said agreeably. "We are setting up the table. Come on."
Severus glanced at his desk. "I'd rather eat in here," Severus said and Remus inwardly sighed.
"I'll bring you a plate," Remus said.
He left and shook his head as he entered the living area. No one looked very upset that Severus wasn't joining them and that, Remus realized, was probably the problem. Severus knew he wasn't wanted so he just spared them the trouble.
Remus piled food on a plate and, grabbing a goblet, headed into Severus's bedroom.
Severus was sitting on the edge of the bed, the book was beside him but the parchment and quill were gone. Remus set the plate down on the desk and handed Severus the goblet.
He took it and then blinked, staring at it.
"Your Wolfsbane?" Severus said, looking up at him, his face confused. "The full moon is on Tuesday. Why didn't someone remind me? I'm not going to have time to..."
Remus grinned. "The Potions Maker from Hogsmeade is doing it," Remus told him.
Severus looked startled. "Can he do it?"
Remus nodded his head, wincing. "I've used his Wolfsbane before," he said, shuddering. "It's a much less pleasant experience for me than when you make it but it beats doing the transformation without it."
Severus stared into his goblet, thinking. "I could make it," he said slowly. "If you're worried about me messing it up, someone could watch me do it."
Remus was tempted but didn't want to risk it. "No. You just need to worry about getting better. I'll be fine. Thanks, though," he said and then went back to the living room, shutting the door firmly.
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Severus stared at his plate of food, thinking. If he was no longer making Lupin's Potion for him, then why was he still being nice? It was difficult for Severus to reconcile this Lupin with the Lupin that had joined in on teasing him while still a student. But people did change.
Severus ran a hand through his hair, hating the greasy feel. An eyebrow raised, and quickly setting the drink aside, Severus took out a piece of parchment from a desk drawer and scrawled down the potion his mother had made from his dream. He had a very good memory for potions. He just hoped this worked.
Going back to his food, Severus absently ate it while listening to the conversation that floated through his door.
"Does Snape have bookcases in his room?" Granger asked.
"Yes, but I don't think he wants you in there," Lupin cautioned. "It's hard enough on him to have us in his rooms."
"He's awfully quiet," Ginny Weasley piped up. "He hasn't lost his temper once since that day."
"I'm not sure he's all there yet," Lupin said.
"Enjoy the reprieve while it lasts," Black said. "So, Harry, tell me again about what happened to your cousin Dudley this summer?"
Severus listened as Potter related a tale about how his cousin, who apparently was quite large, got stuck in his bedroom doorway and couldn't get out. Nothing helped and his parents had to remove sections of the door jam away for him to fit through. Much laughter followed this tale but Severus didn't find it amusing.
It reminded him a little too much of the teasing he got for having greasy hair, a hooked nose, crooked yellow teeth, and swallow skin. None of which he could help. He had always found a savage delight in pointing out other people's physical faults to them, partly out of revenge, and partly to make other people know how it feels to be teased for something you couldn't help. Severus fingered his fork. What sort of idiot was he? People with physical faults knew they had them, he didn't need to point them out. But why was everyone so adamant about pointing out his physical faults? He guessed it all boiled down to the simple statement 'If you aren't attractive you're worthless.' Evan Rosier's favorite saying. How true that was.
The door opened and Lupin came walking in. "Finished?" he asked, noting some food still left on Severus's plate.
"Yeah, I'm done," he said quietly, wishing Lupin would quit looking at him.
"Dumbledore is going to watch you this afternoon," Lupin said. "And then take you to Trelawney's at three. Take care," he said and reached a hand out to pat Severus on the back.
Severus jerked out of reached. "Thanks," he muttered.
Lupin looked at him oddly, picked up the dishes, and then left, shutting the door.
Severus glared at it. He just didn't understand Lupin. Was he being nice or was he just having a laugh at Severus's expense? And Severus didn't appreciate people trying to touch him on the back or using his first name when they didn't even now each other.
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Remus waited until everyone had left and then shut the door, turning to Dumbledore. "He doesn't trust me," he said softly, keeping his voice down.
Dumbledore glanced at him, and wearily sat in a chair at the table. "I know. He doesn't trust me either."
"How are we supposed to help him if he doesn't trust us?" Remus asked. "And I just tried to touch him on the back and he jerked away like I was trying to stab him."
Dumbledore shook his head. "I don't know. And Severus won't even let me touch his back. Maybe it brings back a bad memory or... he was a Death Eater. Sometimes they do nasty things to themselves for Dark Art rituals."
Remus frowned, not having thought of that. "Oh," he said slowly. "How are we going to get him to trust us?" Remus asked.
"Keep being nice to him," Dumbledore said. "Don't gossip about him and talk to him. It won't be easy. Be warned about that. And," Dumbledore sighed. "I've been at if since Severus was eighteen and I haven't seen any headway. It might be impossible."
Remus could tell that Dumbledore didn't like to say that but some people did reach a point where they were no longer reachable. It rather unnerved Remus to realize that Severus had turned unreachable at eighteen. He doubted if the Marauders had helped any.
"I'm sorry," Remus said quietly. "Hogwarts was such a fun time for me, James, and Sirius, that we just never thought about what was going on around us. I regret everyone of those stupid pranks we played on Severus. And the teasing? Seeing the Marauder's Map in Harry's third year was proof positive of what idiots we had been. Making fun of someone is not teasing, it's cruelty. No wonder why Severus hated us so much. But, Severus wasn't exactly nice, either. Sometimes he seemed to... I don't know," Remus finished, not waiting to say 'he deserved it sometimes.'
"I'm frightened for him," Dumbledore admitted and Remus, intrigued, sat down next to him.
"What do you mean?" Remus asked.
"He's almost a Dark Wizard, Remus," Dumbledore sighed. "That's the reason why I won't let him teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. A bit more knowledge in the Dark Arts and he will become one. He, thankfully, loves Potions so much it keeps him occupied enough not to delve deeper into the Dark Arts than he already has but... there's nothing to keep him here once Voldemort has been defeated for good."
Remus felt very cold suddenly. "He won't become the next Dark Lord will he?"
Dumbledore shook his head. "Oh, no. Severus has and never will kill. But... he may destroy himself. The Dark Arts aren't to be tampered with. I wish I could get him to understand that. But, even if I did, I'm not sure he would quit. His fascination for the Dark Arts is something I don't understand, and I'm not sure he does either."
Remus stared at the old man. "Severus has always been kind of odd," he began carefully. "Even the teachers were terrified of him. He rarely talked, never laughed, never smiled, he'd just sit there and watch, taking in everything that everyone did or said. And he never forgot. I guess, we started to pick on him because when Severus retaliated for one of our pranks, it was always very nasty and we wanted revenge. I regret that now."
"I know. But Severus is still doing that," Dumbledore said. "A student slips up in his class and he goes overboard."
Remus swallowed. Maybe, Severus was too far gone to be reached.
"Hopefully Trelawney will be able to help him," Remus said, smiling.
"I hope," Dumbledore said, doubtfully, as he got up. "I'm going to check on Severus."
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Severus backed away from his door and went to lie down. He snugged into his bed, his back against the wall, thinking hard about what he had accidentally overheard. He had gone to the door when he heard Dumbledore come in, but then Lupin had started to talk and Severus had been too interested in what they had to say about him to realize he was eavesdropping.
His door opened. "Severus?" came Dumbledore's voice.
"Hmm," Severus groggily stated.
"Severus, wake up," Dumbledore said. "You need to stay awake for awhile," he said, putting a hand on Severus's upper arm and dragging him to a sitting position.
Severus glanced up at Dumbledore's face. The old wizard looked very worried, and extremely sad, though he was smiling. Strange, Severus had never believed Dumbledore actually cared about him.
A sudden itch on his left forearm lead Severus to recall a question he had been meaning to ask Dumbledore for awhile. "When the Dark Lord calls again," Severus asked. "What do you want me to say to him?"
"Nothing," Dumbledore said, shaking his head. "You're not going again. Voldemort, I'm sure, has heard about what happened to you and he may kill you in case.... in case you do prove to have a problem. He can't risk what you might blab."
"Don't we need to know what is going on with him?" Severus protested.
"I have other spies," Dumbledore assured him, his voice hard, allowing no room for argument.
It was possible that Dumbledore had other spies by now but Severus doubted it. Though he could be wrong.
"Come out to the living area," Dumbledore encouraged, tugging him off the bed. "You've been holed up here long enough."
Severus allowed it and then grabbed the parchment with the potion instructions. "I'm going to make this..." Severus started to stay.
Dumbledore took the parchment and scanned it. "It doesn't look very hard. Quite simple, actually. All right, we'll make it together."
For the first time, in a long while, Severus actually found himself enjoying the potion he was making. Glancing up from the bubbling cauldron, Severus surveyed the mess that he had made on his table. He wasn't sure why, but he never had allowed his students to see how he actually worked while making a potion. He didn't let them see his mistakes, the drips, the knocked over bottles, the stained hands, or the burns he often got from forgetting how hot the cauldron was. Why did he lead them to believe he was a perfect Potions Master? Watching him brew a potion would probably set a few of them at ease, realizing that spilling, dripping, and knocking things over happened to even experienced Potion Makers.
Severus bottled the cooled potion and then cleaned the mess up with Dumbledore's help.
"It's about three," Dumbledore said. "Trelawney will see you now. She felt it would be best to talk with you in a place you feel comfortable in so she's waiting for you by the lake."
Severus walked with Dumbledore to the lake, having to cut his strides in half for the older wizard to keep up, wondering why he was going to see Trelawney. He had had nothing to do the witch before. He kept to his dungeons and she kept to her tower and rarely did they ever see each other. Just at staff meetings and once or twice at meal times when Trelawney would come down. They had never talked before.
"Why I'm a seeing her?" Severus asked, confused, as they exited the doors.
Granger, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Potter, Lupin, and Black (as a dog) were playing in the snow just outside the doors. Severus glanced at them and then looked at the snow at his feet with distaste. He hated snow. His feet and body ached slightly, though they were plenty warm, at the remembrance of how cold snow could be when someone had inadequate shoes and a threadbare robe.
"She'll tell you," Dumbledore said evasively.
Severus was lead to a bench, cleared of snow, where Trelawney was sitting, dressed in a warm jacket robe, facing the lake. Severus sat down, as far away as he could, facing the other way, determined not to be overheard by anyone.
"I'll be seeing you two later," Dumbledore said as he left for the castle.
"Why am I here?" Severus asked without preamble.
"For counseling," Trelawney said. "Madam Pomfrey will be watching out for your physical well-being and I'm too watch out for your emotional well-being."
Severus stared at his hands. There was no way he was talking to anyone about his problems. They were his problems and he would deal with them. He'd just keep quiet during their sessions. That always worked in scaring people off, that and sarcasm.
"Dumbledore wants to make sure you didn't go crazy from what Karkaroff did to you. That's basically what I'm here for. To ascertain your mental state," Trelawney said, fiddling with one of her many necklace charms.
"How are you going to do that?" he asked.
"I have no idea," Trelawney said. "But I will do my best."
Severus sat still for several minutes, wondering why his brain couldn't come up with any sarcastic quips yet. He still hadn't thought of one to use on Trelawney yet.
"Divination is quite a fascinating subject," Trelawney began. "I'm not very good at it, yet, but that's to be expected. The great Diviners are usually in their hundreds. There is just so much to learn. When you see something, in a crystal ball, or whatever, you have to look at the main object and at the things surrounding it to be able to tell what the message is. For example, I see a dragon and a unicorn together in my crystal ball. Dragons are symbolic of death, destruction and unicorns are symbolic of purity. The Unicorn is stuck in a labyrinth and the Dragon is too but the Dragon climbs out of it and picks the Unicorn up and puts it at the side of the maze that the Unicorn was not heading towards. Intriguing eh?"
Severus glanced at her.
"There is still so much of that sequence I'm not getting. At first I thought the dragon was trying to eat the Unicorn but then I saw the labyrinth. I'll have to tell you when I find out more about it. One sequence in my crystal ball takes me weeks, sometimes months, to figure out. A true Diviner would understand it in one viewing."
"Why are you teaching if you aren't a true Diviner?" Severus asked, confused.
"Oh," Trelawney said, waving it aside. "I know the stuff well enough to teach it and being a true Diviner isn't something that you can teach anyway. A person either has it or they don't. I can teach the symbolism for each creature that might be seen, or the symbolism for each planet phase and so on but I can't teach a child to have the sight or not. I only teach the subject to find the Diviners. The NEWTS have a section on Divination that is actually not graded. There is no point to it since, like I said, a person either has the sight or they don't. But, if the child has been taught enough, and has the sight, the NEWTS will show it."
"So you do have the sight?" Severus asked.
Trelawney nodded her head. "Yes. I'm just like a first year in my subject though. Which is why I have to teach the subject. To get so familiar with the symbolism that I will eventually be able to really Divine things."
Severus was rather interested, despite himself, in what Trelawney was saying. "How many true Diviners are there?"
"Very few," Trelawney said. "Most just give up in their fifties and do something else, thus never developing their talent even if they do have the sight."
"How many kids with the sight has Hogwarts graduated?" Severus asked.
Trelawney grinned. "I'm not sure in it's entire history but I was the first one for about ten years when I graduated. I have graduated about five since I've been a teacher and I've only been a teacher for ten years. Either there are more out there than when I was a kid or I'm actually not that bad of a teacher."
"Can you tell who has the sight?" he asked.
Trelawney half-nodded, half-shook, her head. "Usually not until sixth or seventh year. One reason why Miss Granger did so bad in my class. She wanted results right away but it takes years to learn just enough to be able to tell if you might have the sight and even when you know there is so much to learn."
"I guess that's why I was horrible at it," Severus said softly.
Trelawney shrugged her shoulders. "Most people are. So when did you realize Potions was your true calling? I decided Divination was mine in first year. Good thing too. I'm actually more knowledgeable about Divination than any my age and hope to become a Diviner when I reach eighty. Quite young."
Eighty? Trelawney was crazy to wait that long!
"You were in Hufflepuff, weren't you?"
She nodded. "How did you guess?" she asked, perplexed.
Severus shrugged, not answering Trelawney's question about when he started to like Potions.
"Well I guess we can end our session today," Trelawney said. "We'll do another one on, let's say, Wednesday night."
Before Severus could protest or agree, Trelawney had gotten up and headed to the castle, waving at someone looking out from a window. Dumbledore came out as she went in.
It hadn't been that bad, Severus decided. But how could Trelawney stick with Divination if she had no hope of getting anywhere with it until she was eighty or hundred?
"How did it go?" Dumbledore asked.
"Are all Diviners Hufflepuffs?" Severus asked.
"All the ones that I've heard of are," Dumbledore said as they walked back to the castle and to Severus's rooms.
Severus took a shower, using the Potion for his hair, and then laid in his bed, thinking.
Was he almost a Dark Wizard like Dumbledore had said? Had his retaliations for the Marauder's pranks been out of bounds? Why was he so obsessed with not making mistakes in his classroom? And why wouldn't he talk to anyone about himself? Not even Dumbledore knew anything personal about him.
Severus slipped into sleep. Glad to have normal dreams for a change. He wanted to remember his past, if that was what he was doing, but he had too many things to think about already.
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Dumbledore went into Severus's bedroom after he heard the water turn off and found him, fast asleep.
It was dinner time, but Dumbledore didn't want to wake him. Deciding to give him another hour, Dumbledore sat in the only upholstered chair in Severus's bedroom and waited, watching Severus sleep and hoping that things worked out.