GARRY POTHEAD
Once upon a sandwich there was a normal ordinary boy, Garry Pothead. Garry lived with his aunt (Dumbass), uncle (Mr Crap) and cousin (Freaky-Cheese) in no. -564 Stinky Avenue.
Garry's aunt, uncle and cousin were always mean to him and made him do all the housework because they're too Erudamn lazy, plus they didn't realise that they are living in the 21st century and that nowadays slave-masters are no longer respected.
One day Garry came down to breakfast, and Mr Crap said, "Get the post, Garry!"
So Garry went out into the hall and picked up the post that was lying in the toilet. The first thing that Garry noticed was that there was a letter addressed to him.
"Gerry Pothead -564 Stinky Avenue Stultustown Surrey Foedusland," he read. "Hmmm, I wonder who this is from." He looked closer at the name on it. "Hey! My name isn't Gerry!"
"What is it, boy!?" his uncle shouted at him from the dining room. "Just bring the Erudamn post in here!"
"Oops," said Garry, quietly. He hadn't realised he'd been speaking so loud, but went into the dining room, gave his uncle the post, and sat down with the letter.
"Dad! Dad!" Freaky-Cheese shouted. "Dad, Garry's got a letter!"
Mr Crap looked at Garry and the letter he was holding.
"But, who'd be writing to you?" he said, in a jokey way. He took the letter from him, opened it and read it. Garry and Freaky-Cheese watched Mr Crap's eyes become wider and wider as he read.
At last, he said, "Dumbass! It's them."
"WHAT?!" said Dumbass, loudly.
"Yes," said Mr Crap, dramatically.
"But... but..." Dumbass said desperately. "Nobody saw me taking the stereo this time!"
Everybody looked at her as she burst into tears.
"Not the police, you idiot! THEM. You know... THEM."
Dumbass looked up. "OH!" she said, real loudly. "Oh, yeah, them. You freak! You got me all worked up for nothing!"
"You. And you," Mr Crap ordered the two boys. "Up to your rooms now!"
* * *
Over the next few days, about a billion letters arrived for Garry. But each one Mr Crap burned.
"HEY!" shouted Garry. "THOSE ARE MY LETTERS!"
"Yeah," said his uncle, absentmindedly. "They are." But he continued burning them.
At nighttime, Garry went to bed like normal, but then during the night, Mr Crap went crazy and drove them all to this hut at the edge of the sea.
Garry, of course, had to sleep on the floor, whilst Freaky-Cheese got the sofa bed.
But during the night, Garry went crazy too and started thinking it was his birthday, and drawing a cake in the dust on the floor. Then he said,
"Make a wish, Garry," to himself (yep, those sanity pills were NOT working), and he blew the dust away. Then, suddenly, there was this big BANG and the door was thrown off it's hinges.
In the doorway stood this big figure. "Oh sorry," it said. "I can fix that back on though."
Mr Crap and Dumbass ran into the room, Mr Crap holding a gun. "Who are you??" Mr Crap demanded to know. "You are breaking and entering!"
"Oh shut up, Crap, you great prune," said the dudette, and she took the gun and snapped it in half. Mr Crap then ran to the window and threw himself out into the sea.
The dudette shook her head, and then turned to Garry. "Anyway. Happy Birthday, Garry," she said, giving Garry a package.
"Er... thanks," Garry said. This was his first EVER birthday present, and he opened it with trembling fingers. Inside he found.... A shoelace.
"Hey, would you look at that!" he said, shakily. "It's... a shoelace. Erm... just what I've always wanted."
The dudette looked happy. But then she said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you." She bent down and looked at Garry. "You're a wizard, Garry. You're going to go to the finest wizarding school in the country, Bogwarts"
"Am I really?" said Garry. "Who'd've thought... Hehem, err..." Garry suddenly looked nervous, and started wringing his hands.
The dudette looked suspicious. "Oh yeah, by the way, I'm the gamekeeper at Bogwarts, Ruby A. Grid." She then lifted her hands to her face and pulled off a mask! Underneath, was... RUBY WAX! "Hi, I'm Ruby Wax, and this is my show, OK?! OK," she quoted, smiling.
Everyone just stared at her, with his or her mouth open.
Ruby A. Grid ignored them though. "Garry," she said. "We must immediately go to London to get your school things!"
And with that, she took him by the hand and flew out the window. After a while, they arrived outside a very grubby pub.
"Wow!" said Garry. "How did you do that?"
Ruby A. Grid brushed herself off. "Just a few tricks you learn in showbiz... Now, Garry, this is 'The Sealed-Tight-With-Cement-So-It-Doesn't- Leak Cauldron'. Oh, it's a famous place. But to get into 'Freaking Alley' beyond, you need to climb the wall and drop over, OK? OK."
She herself climbed up the wall first and then Garry followed. As they walked on, Ruby A. Grid started singing 'A Thousand Miles' by Vanessa Carlton.
"Oh, I like that song," said Garry.
"Yeah, me too," she said, and started singing. "If I could fall into the sky, without a parachute I would die!"
"Erm..." said Garry. "That's not how it goes."
But Ruby A. Grid didn't hear him. "We need to go to ThingDots first though, the wizard's bank." She then lowered her voice. "They say the entrances are guarded by dragons. Jesus, I'd like a dragon."
"Er..." said Garry. "I'm not Jesus."
Ruby A. Grid rolled her eyes. "Whatever!" she said, and pushed the door open to ThingDots.
When they got down to Garry's account (on a flying cat), the Goblin opened the door and Garry saw loads and loads of money.
"Wow!" he said. "Is all this mine?"
"Yeah," said Ruby A. Grid. "The gold one is a Cralleon, silver one is a Tickle, and a bronze one is called a Phut."
"OK."
They went and bought books from 'Smelly & Stink's', robes from 'Mrs Dung's Robes For All Occasions' and a wand from 'Crabbianders'. It was in 'Mrs Dung's Robes For All Occasions' that Garry met another student that was going to Bogwarts.
"My name's Shalshoy. Fako Shalshoy," he said. He had a sneering face, and Garry could tell that they weren't going to get on. "Well, I'll see you at Bogwarts I suppose," Fako said.
As Ruby A. Grid and Garry sat on a wall eating ice cream, Ruby A. Grid gave Garry some unwelcome news.
"Er, Garry, I don't know if you know, but you're really famous."
"COOL!" said Garry." How come?"
"Well, your parents were killed by this really evil and famous dark wizard called... called... Well, I don't like saying the name, no one does. He was called... Shortemort." Ruby A. Grid shuddered.
"Why was he called that?" Garry asked.
"Well, he was really short, wasn't he?" Ruby A. Grid said. "And, well, a few years back this wizard started collecting supporters and he got them as well. He just went around killing everyone, and they were dark days, Garry, very dark days. You couldn't trust no-one."
"Yeah, yeah, just get onto the bit where I become famous," said Garry, impatiently.
"OK, OK, I'm getting there. Well, You-Know-Who really wanted to kill your parents, and so he did, but then he came onto you. He tried to kill you... but he couldn't."
"Why?" said Garry.
"Nobody knows," she said, mysteriously. "But when he tried to kill you, he couldn't and all his powers were gone..."
"Cool, can I have another ice cream," said Garry, innocently.
* * *
The next day Garry went to Birmingham station, to get a train to Bogwarts, like Ruby A. Grid had told him. He couldn't find platform 15 and 7/10ths though, so he asked this family.
All of the children had bright black hair and green eyes, unlike Garry who had bright blonde hair with purple streaks (it's natural, honest!) and dark brown eyes.
"Um, excuse me," he asked the mother.
"Yes dear?"
"Can you tell me how to get onto the platform?"
"No, you ungrateful little swine!"
The woman sees Garry's lip quiver and tears fill his eyes. "Err, but I was joking... of course! Is it your first time at Bogwarts? Tom here is new too!"
The youngest boy smiled at him.
The got onto the platform by running through a mysterious door (the mystery is... someone's lost the key to it...).
On the train (the Bogwarts Express) Garry learned that Tom was from a family of wizards. He had five brothers, Phil, Carly, Dercy, Bread, and Norge. He also had one sister, Minnie. Tom had a pet rat, Blabbers.
Tom found it fascinating that Garry was actually Garry Pothead. "You're really famous!" he told him.
When the lunch trolley came round, Garry bought a big lunch full of unusual snacks. Then the train began to slow down.
"Wow, there it is!" said Tom. They both looked up to see... BOGWARTS
TO BE CONTINUED...
Once upon a sandwich there was a normal ordinary boy, Garry Pothead. Garry lived with his aunt (Dumbass), uncle (Mr Crap) and cousin (Freaky-Cheese) in no. -564 Stinky Avenue.
Garry's aunt, uncle and cousin were always mean to him and made him do all the housework because they're too Erudamn lazy, plus they didn't realise that they are living in the 21st century and that nowadays slave-masters are no longer respected.
One day Garry came down to breakfast, and Mr Crap said, "Get the post, Garry!"
So Garry went out into the hall and picked up the post that was lying in the toilet. The first thing that Garry noticed was that there was a letter addressed to him.
"Gerry Pothead -564 Stinky Avenue Stultustown Surrey Foedusland," he read. "Hmmm, I wonder who this is from." He looked closer at the name on it. "Hey! My name isn't Gerry!"
"What is it, boy!?" his uncle shouted at him from the dining room. "Just bring the Erudamn post in here!"
"Oops," said Garry, quietly. He hadn't realised he'd been speaking so loud, but went into the dining room, gave his uncle the post, and sat down with the letter.
"Dad! Dad!" Freaky-Cheese shouted. "Dad, Garry's got a letter!"
Mr Crap looked at Garry and the letter he was holding.
"But, who'd be writing to you?" he said, in a jokey way. He took the letter from him, opened it and read it. Garry and Freaky-Cheese watched Mr Crap's eyes become wider and wider as he read.
At last, he said, "Dumbass! It's them."
"WHAT?!" said Dumbass, loudly.
"Yes," said Mr Crap, dramatically.
"But... but..." Dumbass said desperately. "Nobody saw me taking the stereo this time!"
Everybody looked at her as she burst into tears.
"Not the police, you idiot! THEM. You know... THEM."
Dumbass looked up. "OH!" she said, real loudly. "Oh, yeah, them. You freak! You got me all worked up for nothing!"
"You. And you," Mr Crap ordered the two boys. "Up to your rooms now!"
* * *
Over the next few days, about a billion letters arrived for Garry. But each one Mr Crap burned.
"HEY!" shouted Garry. "THOSE ARE MY LETTERS!"
"Yeah," said his uncle, absentmindedly. "They are." But he continued burning them.
At nighttime, Garry went to bed like normal, but then during the night, Mr Crap went crazy and drove them all to this hut at the edge of the sea.
Garry, of course, had to sleep on the floor, whilst Freaky-Cheese got the sofa bed.
But during the night, Garry went crazy too and started thinking it was his birthday, and drawing a cake in the dust on the floor. Then he said,
"Make a wish, Garry," to himself (yep, those sanity pills were NOT working), and he blew the dust away. Then, suddenly, there was this big BANG and the door was thrown off it's hinges.
In the doorway stood this big figure. "Oh sorry," it said. "I can fix that back on though."
Mr Crap and Dumbass ran into the room, Mr Crap holding a gun. "Who are you??" Mr Crap demanded to know. "You are breaking and entering!"
"Oh shut up, Crap, you great prune," said the dudette, and she took the gun and snapped it in half. Mr Crap then ran to the window and threw himself out into the sea.
The dudette shook her head, and then turned to Garry. "Anyway. Happy Birthday, Garry," she said, giving Garry a package.
"Er... thanks," Garry said. This was his first EVER birthday present, and he opened it with trembling fingers. Inside he found.... A shoelace.
"Hey, would you look at that!" he said, shakily. "It's... a shoelace. Erm... just what I've always wanted."
The dudette looked happy. But then she said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you." She bent down and looked at Garry. "You're a wizard, Garry. You're going to go to the finest wizarding school in the country, Bogwarts"
"Am I really?" said Garry. "Who'd've thought... Hehem, err..." Garry suddenly looked nervous, and started wringing his hands.
The dudette looked suspicious. "Oh yeah, by the way, I'm the gamekeeper at Bogwarts, Ruby A. Grid." She then lifted her hands to her face and pulled off a mask! Underneath, was... RUBY WAX! "Hi, I'm Ruby Wax, and this is my show, OK?! OK," she quoted, smiling.
Everyone just stared at her, with his or her mouth open.
Ruby A. Grid ignored them though. "Garry," she said. "We must immediately go to London to get your school things!"
And with that, she took him by the hand and flew out the window. After a while, they arrived outside a very grubby pub.
"Wow!" said Garry. "How did you do that?"
Ruby A. Grid brushed herself off. "Just a few tricks you learn in showbiz... Now, Garry, this is 'The Sealed-Tight-With-Cement-So-It-Doesn't- Leak Cauldron'. Oh, it's a famous place. But to get into 'Freaking Alley' beyond, you need to climb the wall and drop over, OK? OK."
She herself climbed up the wall first and then Garry followed. As they walked on, Ruby A. Grid started singing 'A Thousand Miles' by Vanessa Carlton.
"Oh, I like that song," said Garry.
"Yeah, me too," she said, and started singing. "If I could fall into the sky, without a parachute I would die!"
"Erm..." said Garry. "That's not how it goes."
But Ruby A. Grid didn't hear him. "We need to go to ThingDots first though, the wizard's bank." She then lowered her voice. "They say the entrances are guarded by dragons. Jesus, I'd like a dragon."
"Er..." said Garry. "I'm not Jesus."
Ruby A. Grid rolled her eyes. "Whatever!" she said, and pushed the door open to ThingDots.
When they got down to Garry's account (on a flying cat), the Goblin opened the door and Garry saw loads and loads of money.
"Wow!" he said. "Is all this mine?"
"Yeah," said Ruby A. Grid. "The gold one is a Cralleon, silver one is a Tickle, and a bronze one is called a Phut."
"OK."
They went and bought books from 'Smelly & Stink's', robes from 'Mrs Dung's Robes For All Occasions' and a wand from 'Crabbianders'. It was in 'Mrs Dung's Robes For All Occasions' that Garry met another student that was going to Bogwarts.
"My name's Shalshoy. Fako Shalshoy," he said. He had a sneering face, and Garry could tell that they weren't going to get on. "Well, I'll see you at Bogwarts I suppose," Fako said.
As Ruby A. Grid and Garry sat on a wall eating ice cream, Ruby A. Grid gave Garry some unwelcome news.
"Er, Garry, I don't know if you know, but you're really famous."
"COOL!" said Garry." How come?"
"Well, your parents were killed by this really evil and famous dark wizard called... called... Well, I don't like saying the name, no one does. He was called... Shortemort." Ruby A. Grid shuddered.
"Why was he called that?" Garry asked.
"Well, he was really short, wasn't he?" Ruby A. Grid said. "And, well, a few years back this wizard started collecting supporters and he got them as well. He just went around killing everyone, and they were dark days, Garry, very dark days. You couldn't trust no-one."
"Yeah, yeah, just get onto the bit where I become famous," said Garry, impatiently.
"OK, OK, I'm getting there. Well, You-Know-Who really wanted to kill your parents, and so he did, but then he came onto you. He tried to kill you... but he couldn't."
"Why?" said Garry.
"Nobody knows," she said, mysteriously. "But when he tried to kill you, he couldn't and all his powers were gone..."
"Cool, can I have another ice cream," said Garry, innocently.
* * *
The next day Garry went to Birmingham station, to get a train to Bogwarts, like Ruby A. Grid had told him. He couldn't find platform 15 and 7/10ths though, so he asked this family.
All of the children had bright black hair and green eyes, unlike Garry who had bright blonde hair with purple streaks (it's natural, honest!) and dark brown eyes.
"Um, excuse me," he asked the mother.
"Yes dear?"
"Can you tell me how to get onto the platform?"
"No, you ungrateful little swine!"
The woman sees Garry's lip quiver and tears fill his eyes. "Err, but I was joking... of course! Is it your first time at Bogwarts? Tom here is new too!"
The youngest boy smiled at him.
The got onto the platform by running through a mysterious door (the mystery is... someone's lost the key to it...).
On the train (the Bogwarts Express) Garry learned that Tom was from a family of wizards. He had five brothers, Phil, Carly, Dercy, Bread, and Norge. He also had one sister, Minnie. Tom had a pet rat, Blabbers.
Tom found it fascinating that Garry was actually Garry Pothead. "You're really famous!" he told him.
When the lunch trolley came round, Garry bought a big lunch full of unusual snacks. Then the train began to slow down.
"Wow, there it is!" said Tom. They both looked up to see... BOGWARTS
TO BE CONTINUED...