Author's Note: I usually won't be updating so quick. But this story wants to get done so you never know.
A Memory Found
by: Mystical Dragon
Severus stayed under the covers, wishing he could steal a time-turner and prevent everything that had happened to him but that was impossible, Ivan wouldn't let him. And Ivan happened to be person he was hiding from now; the only one in the room. Thankfully everyone else had gone before Severus had woken up.
"How could he have done this to me?" Severus snarled at his pillow, referring to Nathan Lestrange. "And how could you have let this happen?" Severus hissed at Ivan.
Severus had given himself over to anger, outrage, and disgust at what had happened to him but those emotions were no longer that strong. Other emotions were battering him, trying to find a way through his cracked walls.
"I hate this!" Severus snarled, trying to keep the anger as long as he could.
"I know," Ivan said patiently from around his head. "Can you breathe?" Ivan asked curiously.
"No," Severus sat, pushing his face into his pillow and trying to suffocate himself. The pillow, his bed, and the covers were gone, leaving Severus laying on the hard stone floor of his bedroom.
"Git," Severus muttered.
A weight settled on Severus's back.
"I'm never going to be able to look Draco or Nathan in the face again," Severus said softly. "Thank goodness I wasn't around Dumbledore for that long. I'll still be able to look at him. Well," Severus muttered, remembering how many times he had made a fool of himself in front of Dumbledore before any of this had even happened. "As much as I have ever been able to."
Ivan shifted and Severus could feel his small hands rubbing his back. "Draco and Nathan know you. They are not expecting you to be able to look them in the face yet. They don't care. They love you and will wait for as long as it takes. And Dumbledore loves you very much too."
"This is all so crazy," Severus said, turning his head to the side to be more comfortable, and trying to ignore what Ivan had just said. No one loved him. "It's going to be fun when the kids come back," Severus said sarcastically. "I'll be acting freakier than normal."
Ivan rubbed his shoulders. "The students will put down any odd behavior of yours to the torture you suffered at Karkaroff's hands."
Severus had completely forgotten about that. No one could, honestly, expect him to act normally yet because of that. "Good," Severus breathed. "What about the teachers?"
"Only a few have been told the truth. Hagrid, Lupin, Trelawney, McGonagall, and Filch. Those are the only ones that need to know. The rest will think you are recovering and leave you alone too."
Slightly relieved, Severus stared at his bed from the floor. His bedding was a horrible dark green color. And his chair? A nasty brown color. He was doing it again. Thinking of other things besides what was bothering him.
"Ivan?" Severus asked. "I don't want to see Draco for awhile. Not at Christmas either. Or Nathan."
"That is fine," Ivan assured him. "Neither of them were expecting you to want to see them until two or three months from now, if not longer."
Severus's eyes widened. He had expected them to allow him a few days, maybe a week, to get a handle on all this before they demanded to see him but two or three months? He could handle that.
"How am I going to handle having Draco in class?" Severus persisted.
Ivan went back to rubbing his shoulders. "It will be fine. Draco will act like he always had while in your class with less communication to you so you won't have to talk with him but it won't look like you are ignoring him. And he will watch out for the Slytherins. Make sure they know what they are getting into in regards to Voldemort if they decide to join."
"He's not joining is he?" Severus asked, raising himself and turning to stare at Ivan.
Ivan shook his head and Severus relaxed. "No. Draco has decided not to join for any reason. Nathan will keep me apprised of what Voldemort is up to and I will tell you so you can tell Dumbledore. Nathan hates the Ministry but he respects you enough to help you war against Voldemort."
"What about the Shadow World?" Severus remembered.
Ivan nodded his head, his ears flapping. "Nathan is searching for information. You will too. Don't worry about that now."
Severus stared at his stone floor while Ivan paced on his back. The weight felt good and Severus soon laid down with his eyes closed.
"No one loves me," he said, hoping to persuade Ivan of that fact.
"I love you," Ivan said. "Nathan loves you, Draco loves, Dumbledore loves you, your parents loved you."
Severus felt his body stiffen. "Leave me alone."
"I will not."
"I'm taking a shower," Severus muttered, getting up from the cold hard floor and shuffling to the bathroom, not bothering to pick his feet up much.
Severus flung himself into his shower, turned it on, didn't bother to disrobe, and sunk down in the corner. Ivan walked in and stood in front of him, small blue hands on Severus's knees as the water hit them two of them.
"Why don't I mind being around you?" Severus asked the Dark Elf.
Ivan grinned. "Because I'm cute."
Severus raised an eyebrow.
Ivan patted a knee. "That is why we Dark Elves assume this form. Hurt humans can handle it and we Dark Elves only deal with hurt humans or other creatures that are hurt. It calms them."
Burying his face in his hands, Severus shook his head. "I always thought I was strong and now..."
"You are strong," Ivan said. "You can handle having people mock you and still do what needs to be done. You spied for Dumbledore at risk to your life. That takes strength."
"Then why do I feel like jelly inside?" Severus demanded.
Ivan smiled. "Most do."
"Do you?" Severus asked.
Ivan's face clouded over. "Yes. When I was bound when your parents were murdered. I could not help them. For the first time in my life I was powerless. It was not pleasant. And then when I could not find you," Ivan said and Severus flushed as tears formed in those purple eyes. "I searched and searched but I did not know where Vasya had taken you. I failed you. I feel like jelly now. You should hate me," Ivan stated, letting the tears fall.
"I don't hate you," Severus breathed, staring at the Dark Elf. How could Ivan cry in front of someone? Wasn't he afraid of being looked down on for doing it? Severus never cried in front of people. Except Nathan. And Draco. Severus sighed, hoping to never see those two again. At least he had never embarrassed himself by crying in front of Dumbledore. "It's not your fault."
Ivan shook his head, tears, mingled with the shower water, fell down his face and began to tell Severus exactly why his parents had been murdered and who had done it. "I shouldn't have trusted Dimitrius. But he was just trying to help the peasants. I can read people's hearts but not their minds, though it appears I can. Dumbledore is easy to read, he keeps his thoughts close to this heart," Severus had figured that.
"Dimitrius cared a great deal for Cezar but he cared for the peasants more. I can't fault him for what he did. But I should have done a better job of getting Cezar to believe peasants deserve equality with the nobles. But Cezar would not listen to me. I was just a Dark Elf and had no business interfering in the affairs of humans. It wasn't my place."
"I guess it's a family trait to pick the wrong side in a war," Severus feebly said, remembering his father tell him that peasants couldn't manage their own affairs; they weren't smart enough for it.
Ivan shook his head. "He was raised to believe it. It is very hard for someone to go against what they have been raised to believe, what society tells them, what is popular, and decide, for themselves, what beliefs they should have. Your father was very loyal to his family and going against them never crossed his mind, especially when your grandfather was killed. Cezar felt it was his duty to carry on for him."
Severus knew, only too well, what Ivan was saying. How many Slytherins was he going to lose to the Dark Lord because his students were following in their parent's path and not questioning their beliefs? At least Draco knew better than to join the Dark Lord now, something Severus had been worried would never happen.
"When did Draco start questioning?" Severus asked Ivan, shivering in the cold water.
"When Karkaroff tortured you," Ivan said softly. "And then when he went the Lestranges to protect you from them he made his decision."
"Whose decision was it for Draco to pretend to be my brother?" Severus asked, standing up to take his shower.
"He called me and begged me to return you but I refused. I offered him the chance and he took it. Draco cares greatly for you," Ivan said.
Severus gently shooed Ivan out of the shower and took his robe off, not looking down at his chest (he rarely did), and began to wash, ignoring the feel of his chest. At least the way it was supposed to feel.
Confused, Severus looked down to see his chest, unmarred flesh that had an extremely faint yellowish tint graced it. Feeling his back, Severus drew in a breath. It too felt normal. Tottering out of the shower, slipping slightly on his way, Severus reached the mirror and stared at himself.
His chest was normal and the knife wounds were gone.
Realizing something, Severus looked at his left arm. Nothing was there.
"How?" Severus breathed, his teeth beginning to chatter from the cold.
Ivan appeared on the sink and smiled at him. "When you were turned back into a child those marks left. Nathan healed your burns. When I gave you the potion your body grew up from the healed one you had. And Voldemort has not given this new body the Dark Mark."
Severus looked back in the mirror and forced himself to look at his face. His nose was smaller, normal sized for his face, and his teeth were no longer disgusting. They were still yellowish and a bit crooked but Severus didn't care about that. He looked passable, plain, and while no one would be looking at him twice that was an improvement. Before he would get stared at and then the person would snap their head back around to make sure he was really as hideously ugly as they had thought.
"I'm not ugly anymore," Severus remarked.
"I never thought you were ugly," Ivan said.
Severus flushed, Ivan wasn't lying, and shrugged. "You're the only one."
"Dumbledore never thought you were ugly."
Severus hugged himself. "Dumbledore's not known for his common sense."
"Your looks haven't changed that much," Ivan smiled at him. "Just your nose and your teeth."
"And my hair," Severus corrected, fiddling with it. It was dripping wet and Severus suddenly realized he was completely naked. "Ack," he muttered and rushed back into the shower.
Ivan giggled from the sink as Severus finished washing his body and hair.
"You didn't look, did you?" Severus asked, rhetorically.
"I'm a Dark Elf," Ivan said, his voice amused. "Of course."
Severus jerked back the shower curtain, making sure it cover his lower half, and glared, it felt good not to have to worry about covering his upper half. "What?!"
Ivan shrugged, looking innocent, and Severus stared at him. "Are you serious?"
"I did not stare but I didn't look away," Ivan said simply.
"Well, that's something," Severus muttered, having to remember not to take his clothes off around Ivan again.
But Severus didn't look away when he stared at animals, though they were naked (in a sense), so Severus guessed that with Dark Elves it was the same sort of thing in regards to humans.
Severus dried off, making sure Ivan was turned around, and put a clean robe on. Black, of course.
Speaking of Black. "I can't believe Dumbledore didn't do anything to Black," Severus snarled, letting the anger wash over him. Anger felt good. Much better than these strange feelings that were trying to come out. "He tried to kill me and Dumbledore just welcomes him back. If I had tried to kill anyone I doubt if Dumbledore would ever look at me again."
"He would," Ivan said. "And Sirius paid for what he did to you. Paid dearly."
Severus snorted, banging open his bathroom door and walking to his bed. "Oh, certainly. Being allowed to stay at Hogwarts was real harsh."
"I'm referring to twelve years in Azkaban," Ivan said, appearing on his desk.
"He wasn't put into Azkaban because of what he did to me," Severus said, wondering how Ivan could have gotten so confused. "He was put in there because everyone believed he had betrayed the Potters to their death."
"And they believed that because Sirius showed that he was capable of murder at the age of sixteen if he got annoyed enough. If he had not done that, Dumbledore would have trusted him more than he did. Someone close to the Potter's was feeding information to Voldemort and Dumbledore believed it was Sirius. He thought that maybe James and Sirius had a falling out and Sirius, in his anger, was going to try to kill James, like he had almost done to you. Sirius was the only one of the group that had proven himself capable of murder so he was the one Dumbledore mistrusted. Just like you mistrusted Sirius for what he had done."
Severus rubbed a hand over his face. "Oh. I don't know why Black ever picked Pettigrew over Lupin. Pettigrew was a coward. The Dark Lord would just have to breathe deeply and Pettigrew would collapse."
"Sirius didn't think Peter would have the courage to betray his friends, betray Dumbledore, and go to Voldemort. He felt, just like you did, that it had to be someone with a backbone."
"And that left Pettigrew out, which only leaves Lupin," Severus said. "I still hate Black," Severus said, rather sulkily. He couldn't let go of all his hate. "Potter and Lupin too. Well, I just loathe the two of them."
Ivan looked at him, his face stern. "Why? I have talked with both of them while you were sleeping yesterday and they are both nice people."
"All those pranks they played on me!" Severus snarled.
"They played them on you because you kept hurting them. Breaking someone's arm for turning your hair red was not right. Sirius had thought, at the time, it would help you feel better. He liked you from the train and you seemed quite depressed about getting into Slytherin so he decided to cheer you up. Sirius was only eleven; a child. He didn't realize you had as many problems as you did. And you were only eleven. You couldn't have been expected to handle those pranks with your emotional state; scared, hurt, and convinced you were actually evil since you had gotten into the so-called evil house. Someone should have stopped what was going on," Ivan said with disapproval.
Severus shrugged, thinking over what Ivan had said. Black had, now that he remembered it, been smiling, nicely, at him until Severus had stormed up to him, seething, about his red hair. The smile had quickly turned to confusion. Severus had been close to tears and Black had started to look sympathetic when Severus had hit him with a curse that broke his arm and then hit Potter with one that broke his nose. Pettigrew and Lupin had only been spared because McGonagall had stopped him.
Then they had played another prank and Severus had retaliated. He was as much to blame as they were. He didn't know why they were playing pranks on him and they didn't know why he couldn't handle them.
Severus fell back onto his bed and tiredly rubbed his eyes. Fred and George were always playing pranks, like the Marauders had, and while Severus wasn't easy on them he could tell they were only doing it for fun, not to be malicious. But sometimes students didn't see it that way and Severus punished the twins, quite severely, for it and flatly told them never to bother that student again or he would do everything in his power to get them expelled. It always worked. Having a nasty reputation could be beneficial sometimes.
"Why didn't anyone interfere?" Severus asked the air. "I never let my students pick on each other. I always get them to try to see the other person's side."
"Because you know children can't raise each other. They need guidance, help. Especially the ones that sit in the back and never talk. You may be a horrible teacher but you are a wonderful Head of House," Ivan said, his voice held quite a bit of pride in it.
"You think I'm a horrible teacher?" Severus asked, lifting his head.
Ivan just stared at him, his face somber. "You have the potential to teach those kids quite a bit if you would just quit calling them names and terrifying them. It isn't just the Slytherins that need help. You could help many of the other students if you would let yourself. Jacenty, you will never be a popular teacher but among the students that need help you would be a lifesaver. Literally."
Severus stared at the Dark Elf, wondering if he knew something that Severus didn't.
"You can understand what all the students that need someone have been through and, if you would just let them, they will come to you," Ivan went on, persistent. "Don't push them away like you were pushed away."
Severus jerked off his bed. But what about him? No one was there for him so why did he have to be there for all the students? Well, Draco, Nathan, Dumbledore, and Ivan were there for him. Severus frowned. That was quite a list. And Dumbledore had always been there for him even if Severus had done the pushing in that case.
Ivan looked at him. "It won't be easy but it will be worth it. We have a week and a half before the students arrive for you to relax in. What would you like to do?"
Severus stared at his bedding, his furniture. "Redecorate and look through my parent's belongings. I don't even know what they were like."
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"And that room could be for dancing," Ivan went on, pointing at the new room arrangement he had drawn up for Severus. The dungeons had some empty rooms, old storage rooms, that Ivan planned on knocking doors into so Severus could have a nice place.
"Dancing?" Severus said, shaking his head. "I don't dance."
"Dumbledore will teach you," Ivan went on, ignoring him. "You wanted to learn when you were a child."
"No," Severus said, his voice hard.
"Quit pushing him away," Ivan said, looking up from the piece of paper. "He wants to get to know you but you keep slamming the door in his face. Anyone else would have given up a long time ago but he hasn't. He loves you."
Severus collapsed into a nearby chair and rubbed his temples. Ivan climbed onto his knee, took his hand, and gently massaged the area between the thumb and first finger.
"You need to stop running," Ivan said.
"I'd rather be Azkaban than having to put up with this," Severus admitted. "Black had it easy."
"Easy for you but not for him. Sirius is still recovering from that experience," Ivan said. "He still has nightmares about the Dementors. And about Peter especially."
"I used to be so jealous of the Marauders. They had everything. But their lives seemed to have fallen apart. Well, Black and Lupin are together again," Severus said, a bit bitterly.
"Just like you and Nathan are," Ivan reminded him.
Severus looked into Ivan's kind eyes, remembering all the help Nathan had given him while they were students. Nathan had taught him correct table manners (by complaining about them), how to read, how to write, even how to shave. He had given Severus old books that he no longer wanted, paper and quills, clothes, and even a few toys he said he had better models of. And Severus had never even realized what a good friend he had been. He had been to caught up in self-pity to notice.
"I was a complete git," Severus said, angry at himself.
"You could not have noticed," Ivan reassured him. "You weren't in a position too."
"I don't understand why Nathan was always so nice to me. Why he still is. That makes no sense," Severus said, staring at the hand Ivan was still massaging. Physical contact felt good.
"He loves you. He always did."
"He didn't know me," Severus said, shaking his head. "Not back then."
"He did. He was your friend, Michael."
Severus looked up at Ivan, staring into those warm eyes of his. "What?"
"Nathan is Michael. Nathan had sneaked out of the room that night, to get some food for the three of you, from Diagon Alley. When he came back the room you three slept in was on fire and he was told that two dead burned bodies were you and Elizabeth. Nathan, he was only six, freaked and ran. He hid in a building that a family was hiding in. The Ministry attacked, some Death Eaters showed up to defend the Death Eater family, and in the confusion Nathan was taken by a Death Eater and raised. When he saw you at Hogwarts he was too horrified to explain to you what had happened. He felt he had failed you and it was his fault you were like you were. He did everything he could to pull you up but he was only a child and couldn't do it that well."
"That's how he had that ring," Severus suddenly remembered, feeling around his neck. "Where is it?"
Ivan pulled it from around his neck. "You gave it to me for safe keeping."
Severus took it and stared at the small ring. Michael was still alive. And he had fulfilled that promise he gave Severus. "If I ever get adopted, I'll make sure you do too. Even if I have to do it myself."
"Why didn't I ever notice he was so nice to me?"
"You weren't used to kindness," Ivan said, moving around to stand behind Severus and rub his shoulders. "You didn't recognize it when you saw it."
"I guess I was never as alone as I thought I was," Severus muttered, turning the ring over and over in his hand.
How could he ever repay Nathan for what he had done? Or Dumbledore for that matter? Or even Draco? Or Ivan?
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Remus, when everyone's attention was on the chess game between Dumbledore and Ron, slowly backed out of the Great Hall and went to find Draco. Draco hadn't been seen since the other day when he had eaten lunch with Severus, still a child then, in the Great Hall and Remus was worried.
"Where are you going, Moony?" asked a voice to his right.
"Make sure Draco is okay," Remus answered, turning to where the voice came from. Sirius was wearing Harry's invisibility cloak so he had to guess. "I'm sure he must be hurting."
"Wait, I'm going to get Harry."
Remus waited. Harry and Dumbledore, the only ones, came out of the Great Hall and walked up to him.
"I was going to check on him after my chess match," Dumbledore said. "I wasn't sure if I should give him a little time or a lot of it. I don't know Draco very well," Dumbledore said, his voice soft and tired.
Draco wasn't in the Slytherin common room (Dumbledore, of course, knew the password), or his dorm room.
"Where is he?" Harry asked, beginning to look worried.
Dumbledore thought for a few seconds and then headed for Severus's office and classroom. They found Draco there. Sitting at Severus's classroom desk and staring at the chalkboard. Nothing was written on it.
"He hates me," Draco muttered, not looking at them. "I just know it."
Remus had no consolation for that. Severus hated him for something he had nothing to do with and Severus hated Harry for being his father's son. He probably did hate Draco for what he had done.
Dumbledore, probably thinking the same thing, went behind Draco and rested a hand on his shoulder.
"Snape?" Harry suddenly said, looking at the door.
Remus turned around to see Severus backing away from the open door, his face slightly hidden by his black hair. He forced himself to look at Draco, worried about how Draco would respond to that, but Draco was grinning. He looked pleased.
"He doesn't hate me," Draco said with satisfaction. "I could tell when he looked in and saw me. I don't think he's going to be talking to me for awhile yet but he doesn't hate me. I wonder what he was doing," Draco darted out the door and looked around. "Gone," he muttered, disappointed, as he slapped the door jam.
"Would you like to join us in the Great Hall?" Dumbledore offered. "I'm about to beat Ron Weasley at chess."
Remus smiled. Dumbledore won against Ron as often as he lost.
Draco shook his head. "No thanks. I don't feel too comfortable around all you Gryffindors. Dimitrius is still here. I'm going to talk with him."
"He's not a Slytherin," Harry said.
Draco smiled. "He would have been. And I probably should write my parents a letter. My father won't admit it but I bet he's worried."
When Draco had left Dumbledore stroked his long beard. "He's pushing us away just like Severus always does. I've lost count of the number of invitations I've given Severus that he refused. Millions, if not more," he mumbled, his eyes weren't twinkling and Remus hoped he was imagining the wetness around them.
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Severus wasn't seen for the next few days, not that Dumbledore had any hope for it, but he was still disappointed. When all the students came back, Severus would appear again, Dumbledore was sure, but that was still a week away and tomorrow was Christmas. He wanted to see him.
Going back to his tree, Dumbledore stared at the decorations and then looked down at the small pile of presents underneath it. Dumbledore liked having gifts under his tree, he thought they looked nice, so he was given his gifts early and got to enjoy them. Plus the temptation to open them early always amused him.
As the Headmaster of Hogwarts, he usually got courtesy presents but he only put the presents under his tree that were from close friends: McGonagall, Hagrid, Severus, and a few others.
Severus always gave him the same gift; a book. But this year's present was shaped differently. Unable to contain himself, Dumbledore picked up the gift and felt it. A box? No one was around, no one would know, and Dumbledore had been intending on breaking tradition one year and opening a present early so he ripped into the wrapping.
It was box; a hinged box. Intricate carvings had been burned into the wood, vividly colored, and varnished over. The top of it was the Hogwarts seal with the four houses. Each side had a house on it. The front long side sported a Griffin and the name Godric Gryffindor in the corner. Slytherin was, oddly, on one of the short sides, along with Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff was on the back long side. Each side had the founder's name written in a replica of their own handwriting, Salazar's was barely legible while Rowena's was a fancy script, along with their respective house animal.
Opening the box with trembling hands, Dumbledore stared. Three pairs of thick woolen socks and a bag of lemon drops lined the inside of what was a quill and ink box. There was a place for him to store the ink jars (six at time) and store the quills. There was even a narrow place for him to put the quills in, standing up, when he needed to put them down for a second. Dumbledore had, at different times, expressed a desire for each of these items. But it had always gone unheeded.
Turning the box over, Dumbledore smiled and traced the words written there. Thank you for everything. Four little words that said so much.
Would Severus feel comfortable with Dumbledore thanking him in person? Ivan would know.
"Ivan, come here," Dumbledore said and Ivan appeared.
"Yes?" he said, then looked at the box. "You like the present?"
"Very much so. I would like to say thanks. Would Severus mind?" Dumbledore wondered.
Ivan nodded his head, Dumbledore's heart sank. "But you can come and say it anyway. Jacenty will recover."
Appearing in Severus's room, Dumbledore prepared himself to say thank you and then leave, but the sight of Severus's living area startled him. He had a fireplace. And two display cabinets. And a wall of artwork.
One cabinet housed a knife and sword collection and the other one held beautiful potion bottles along with clear bottles that held various colorful shades of potions.
"Your father's?" Dumbledore asked as Severus came into the room, looking nervous.
"No, my mother's. Both collections are hers. The artwork is my father's."
"Your mother collected knives?" Dumbledore asked, surprised.
"Yes," Severus said shortly.
Dumbledore went over to the paintings and looked at them. One was of a unicorn bending down to drink out of clear blue pool surrounded by vibrant green plants and tall black trees that grew out of sight. Two purple eyes stared out from the depths of the pool but nothing else was seen of the creature that inhabited the murky depths. Another painting was of an abandoned building that had been taken over the jungle and tiny humans with wings. Each painting had some sort of plant and magical creature in it.
"These are beautiful," Dumbledore said. "Did he paint them?"
"Yes," Severus said, his voice indicating that he was telling a bit of a lie.
Dumbledore scanned the paintings, trying to find the ones that might be Severus's instead of his father's, since that was probably why he was lying about them all being his father's. But Dumbledore couldn't tell.
"Thank you for the present," Dumbledore said, turning to him. "I'm sorry if I over stayed my welcome but it was a wonderful gift and I wanted to make sure you knew that."
Severus flushed. "Thanks," he muttered. "I better check on something. You can leave when you want."
He left and Dumbledore frowned.
Ivan was smiling at him. "Jacenty likes you very much. He is just having to deal with feelings that he had buried for a long time. Don't be upset with him."
Dumbledore smiled back at the Dark Elf. "I'm not upset with Severus."
"Your thanking him means a lot to him even if he can't tell you that himself," Ivan said.
Dumbledore found himself back in his room and put the box where he would use it, slipped on a pair of socks, and opened the bag of lemon drops; hoping it wouldn't be too long before Severus was ready to talk with people.