A Memory Found
by: Mystical Dragon
Dumbledore pushed the quill box Severus had given him to one corner of his desk, changed his mind, and put it in the other corner, changed his mind again, and put it on a nearby bookcase. Still, Dumbledore couldn't rest. The inscription on the bottom was plaguing him. Had been ever since Severus had given him the box and Dumbledore had thought the inscription over.
What exactly had Dumbledore done to deserve Severus's thanks? Ignored him as a student? Let Sirius off without even detention for attempting to murder Severus? Given Severus a long and guilt-producing speech when he came to Dumbledore about having joined Voldemort to induce the young man to become a spy for the 'good side'? Graciously given Severus a teaching job, knowing Severus didn't like kids and frankly was emotionally abusive towards them? Forced Severus to become a spy again, knowing Voldemort might not take him back and kill him?
Dumbledore shuddered, placed the box carefully in a desk drawer and closed it. He didn't deserve Severus's thanks. He deserved the man's hate. Dumbledore didn't even think Severus's hate was what he deserved, he deserved something worse. How could he have been so stupid?
Severus was excellent at hiding his feelings, pretending, and Dumbledore figured the box was an example of that. Severus hadn't meant the inscription, he had just thought Dumbledore would like it and therefore put it on the box.
"What are you doing in your office on Christmas?" Minerva's teasing voice penetrated Dumbledore's mind.
"Thinking," Dumbledore sighed, leaning back in his chair and looked at Minerva over his glasses. "I really messed up with Severus. What do you think his feelings are for me? Don't try to spare my mine either. I want to know the truth."
Minerva sat down on one of his chairs and looked at him, whether or not she was about to say good or bad news Dumbledore couldn't tell, despite knowing the witch for a long time.
"To be honest with you, I don't know," Minerva said and Dumbledore sighed. "I don't think anyone can tell. Severus is like a closed book. He only lets people see the ratty old cover and that's it. I'm sorry. I just don't know."
Dumbledore nodded his head, understanding. "I would ask Draco but I don't think Draco likes me very much," Dumbledore said with sad amusement. He knew Draco didn't like him much, the boy, young man know, wasn't shy about expressing his feelings. They had changed since Draco had gotten back from the Lestranges but there was still an aloofness there that told of slight dislike.
"Ivan would know how Severus feels about you," Minerva said, getting up. "Tell Ivan to be honest with you and I bet he would be."
Watching her leave, Dumbledore thought it over. He wanted to know but then again did he? If Severus did hate him and Dumbledore knew, how would he act around Severus? Dumbledore, while he wasn't mean, acted differently around those who he knew hated him, a natural reaction, but one he didn't want to inflict upon Severus, not with all the man had to deal with already.
"Ivan, come here," Dumbledore said, hoping he wasn't making a mistake, after he had wanded close the door and charmed it shut.
A tall white-haired man appeared in front of Dumbledore's desk. Dumbledore only slightly startled. He had figured Dark Elves had to have a human form since Isadora was going to be the Head of the Knockturn Alley Orphanage.
"Yes?" Ivan asked, sitting himself down where Minerva had been sitting.
The Dark Elf was wearing a dark silver robe and Dumbledore idly wondered where he had gotten it from since Severus didn't have any robes other than black ones and the size wasn't right for Draco.
"This may sound silly," Dumbledore said, placing his hands on the desk before him, "but I was wondering how Severus actually felt about me. On the bottom of the box he gave me, he wrote 'thank you for everything' but I don't think I've done anything for him to thank me for. I haven't been kind to him over the years."
Ivan's purple eyes looked into Dumbledore's for awhile before the Dark Elf spoke. "He's resentful of you."
Dumbledore stared at the Dark Elf. "I see," Dumbledore said carefully, trying to hide the hurt.
"No, you don't," Ivan said, leaning back. "You're on a pedestal in his mind. You can do no wrong. You've made mistakes but Severus is deluding himself into thinking you don't."
"I thought you said he was resentful of me?" Dumbledore asked in confusion.
"He is," Ivan was quick to say. "He hates you and he loves you."
Dumbledore frowned, feeling his shoulders round slightly from age and weariness. "Doesn't he know how he really feels about me?"
Ivan's face softened as he shook his head. "Not really. On one hand Severus feels, like many people do, you are perfect and on the other hand he feels you aren't. It's confusing to him. He just isn't sure if he deserved the way you treated him or if you were being prejudiced. That is what it comes down to. Either he is evil or you aren't perfect. And generally the thought that he is evil wins."
Dumbledore tiredly rubbed his eyes. He wasn't perfect. He had to act like it, though, and sometimes, on occasions, Dumbledore actually believed it.
"What do I need to do?" Dumbledore asked, wanting advice instead of having to always give it.
Ivan smiled. "Apologize," he said simply.
"Will he accept it?" Dumbledore asked, feeling his shoulders go back slightly, getting more energy.
Ivan shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not. It doesn't matter. His resentment will lessen when he realizes you know you make mistakes and can own up to them. In time he will accept it if he doesn't right away. And it will help him feel less evil. Though," Ivan said with a smile, "he is already feeling that way but it will take time. He's had a long time of feeling evil and I can't expect that to change overnight."
"Can I talk with him?" Dumbledore asked. "I know its lunch time but..."
"Severus has been talking to Dimitrius this morning and Nathan so he might be a bit edgy," Ivan explained as he popped away.
Dumbledore wouldn't have minded waiting for a day or two but apparently the Dark Elf didn't want him to.
Apologizing wasn't something Dumbledore was used to doing but if it would help he was willing to do it, especially since he needed to.
A knock on the door signaled Severus's arrival and Dumbledore was glad Ivan had warned him about Severus being edgy, he was, and since Dumbledore knew the reason he could be understanding. Severus sat on the chair farthest away from the desk and looked uneasy.
"How did your talks go with Dimitrius and Nathan," Dumbledore asked, conjuring up a warm drink and small sandwiches to eat. Pushing some over to Severus, Dumbledore began to sip and munch on his own.
Severus shrugged and took the proffered food, relaxing a tiny bit as he sipped and ate. "Dimitrius went back to his home after we talked," Severus said, "he wants to keep in contact though."
"Will you?" Dumbledore asked.
"He's my godfather," Severus said, shaking his head at the irony, "Dimitrius didn't know but Cezar told Ivan to give me to Dimitrius if anything ever happened to him and Vasya. Strange how that worked."
Dumbledore still wasn't sure about Dimitrius and wisely kept his mouth shut until he knew Severus's view of the man, which Severus probably wouldn't give. Dumbledore didn't even know if Severus liked Minerva or Hagrid yet.
"How's Nathan," Dumbledore asked carefully.
Severus's eyes jerked up from his drink. "You need to start teaching Potter and his friends to defend themselves. Apparently the Dark Lord released some of his more ardent supporters that didn't quite escape Azkaban's effects."
"They're insane?" Dumbledore asked to clarify.
Severus nodded, looking troubled. "The Dark Lord won't arm them with wands, yet, but they are getting anxious. They want Potter, want to kill him for putting them in there and some of them may be insane enough to go against the Dark Lord's orders not to touch him. Apparently the Dark Lord wants the pleasure himself but... he might not get it. And some of them are Animagus."
Dumbledore wasn't sure how they were going to defend Harry against them. Hogwarts grounds weren't secure enough; Sirius had penetrated them even with Dementors wandering around and Peter had lived here as a rat for some time. How were they going to defend the boy? Harry, according to Trelawney, was recovered from his ordeal this summer but another one, one in which he lost a close friend, might prove to be too much.
"Draco knows martial arts, right?" Dumbledore asked.
Severus slightly blushed. "Yes, he's a black belt. Well, at least, Nathan gave him one but apparently Nathan was qualified to promote someone to black belt; it's just not official with any group since he didn't pay dues or anything."
"What about you?" Dumbledore asked, interested in his slight embarrassment.
"Same," Severus said with a shrug.
"Oh," Dumbledore smiled, so Severus was a black belt too, that might be useful. "Flitwick could teach him how to duel with a wand. Hagrid could teach wrestling."
"Making him an Animagus would be a good idea," Severus said. "Especially if it's one that could defend itself."
"We won't know that until we try," Dumbledore said, "but that is a good idea. We can't let anything happen to Harry and it has become quite clear that only Harry can protect Harry. We have to make sure he can do that and the more ways he can use to defend himself the better off he'll be."
Severus nodded and rose to get up.
"I didn't ask you here for that, though," Dumbledore said, waving him to sit back down. "I asked you here to apologize."
"Apologize for what?" Severus asked, his black eyes obscured by his ever-present curtain of black hair.
"Apologize for being such a git over the years," Dumbledore said, his eyes not as dry as Dumbledore wanted them to be. "For not punishing Sirius like I should have. He had no right to try to kill you and I should have done something to him but he was a Gryffindor so I convinced myself that attempted murder wasn't really attempted murder. And I'm sorry for giving you that long speech when you came to me about being a Death Eater. I didn't know why you had joined and had no right to judge you and I'm really sorry for making you become a spy to atone for your so-called sins. And I'm sorry for making you become a teacher though you hate it. And I'm sorry for making you rejoin Voldemort last summer."
Severus squirmed in his seat, looking at his empty plate. "Dumbledore...."
"Severus," Dumbledore interrupted, "I'm not perfect though sometimes I think I am. It's very hard having everyone come to me for answers and not having anyone to go to for them. I make mistakes. I'm very sorry. I should have done many things differently and I wish, oh I wish, I could change the past but I can't. I'm sorry."
Severus didn't look up and Dumbledore wondered if he had waited too long.
"I doubt if I made it easy on you. You don't need to apologize," Severus said, his voice so soft the words might have been lost if Dumbledore hadn't been straining to hear something.
"I was the adult, Severus, you weren't. It doesn't matter if you didn't make it easy on me, I should have tried but I never did. You were not the evil child you think you were. I'm sure, with just a little kindness, you would have made it easy on me but I never gave you that chance," Dumbledore said, admitting his mistakes fully and not trying to soften the blow for himself. "You were a very sweet little boy. Draco was very lucky to get to know you."
Severus stood, the plate and cup crashing to the ground and breaking. Without looking at Dumbledore he swept from the room. Dumbledore looked at the closed door, feeling terrible but a bit better. He had admitted his mistakes and while his relationship with Severus was on the rocks at least Dumbledore wasn't hiding behind his 'I can do no wrong' persona.
Dumbledore sat there, wondering if he should track Severus down or leave him. The man needed time, time to sort his feelings out, especially since Severus wasn't the type that liked to show emotion in public. Sitting here, by himself, wasn't something Dumbledore wanted to do on Christmas. He wanted to spend it with people, Severus was his first choice but if not him, at least someone.
Getting up, Dumbledore repaired the broken china, placed the dishes on his desk, and opened the door, having decided to go down to the Great Hall and see how the decorations were going for the feast.
Severus was still standing there, his hands hurriedly dropped from his face. His hair was hiding his face more than usual.
"I know realizing I'm not perfect is a shock," Dumbledore said, his voice forcing a lightness he didn't feel, "but I had to apologize. I'm not perfect and I'm sorry."
Severus's back straightened up a bit. "Nobody's perfect," he whispered.
"Except for Ivan," Dumbledore said softly.
"Not even Ivan," Severus said, his voice louder, "he's made mistakes."
"Has he apologized?" Dumbledore wanted to know.
"All the time," Severus said, his voice normal.
Severus was extremely close to Ivan, like Dumbledore wanted to be, and maybe that was how Dumbledore was going to get close to him. By simply apologizing when he made mistakes. Dumbledore didn't need to be perfect for Severus to accept him, he needed to be human.
"Are you coming to the feast?" Dumbledore asked, standing next to Severus and nudging him onto the stairs.
They rode down together.
"I don't know," Severus hedged. "I'm not fond of social gatherings."
"If you do decide to come," Dumbledore said, not about to push him, "I'll be saving a seat for you next to me."
"Can Ivan help me teach the rest of this year. I don't..."
"Certainly," Dumbledore said, glad for it actually. Ivan wouldn't let Severus abuse his students.
"Thank you," Severus said, turning to leave when Dumbledore grabbed his arm.
"Walk with me," Dumbledore invited.
Severus shrugged and the two of them, in silence, walked out of the castle. It was snowing.
"I hate snow," Severus muttered.
Noticing that Severus didn't have a warm cloak on, Dumbledore carefully undid his and draped it over Severus's shoulders. The man startled.
"You don't...."
Dumbledore held up a hand. "I want to, besides I'm better at magic than you and can use a spell to warm my robe up."
"I could do that spell," Severus said, not sounding angry.
"I know," Dumbledore smiled at him, carefully pinning the cloak's ends together with the ornamental cloak clasp.
Dumbledore took longer than he needed to, keeping his eyes on the clasp and not on Severus, wondering if the man hated the physical closeness.
"There," Dumbledore said, finally stepping away and heading down the steps.
Severus joined him, keeping up with him.
They didn't talk until they had made two full circles around the castle.
"Why do you let Black off for that prank?" Severus asked.
Dumbledore stopped and turned to Severus, who stiffened. His entire body took on the stance Dumbledore was used to seeing in it, a defiant stance.
"He was a Gryffindor," Dumbledore said softly, making sure Severus knew he wasn't angry at the question, "and I didn't believe a Gryffindor was capable of murder. I decided that Sirius just hadn't thought it through. He did have a tendency to not think things through and..." Dumbledore trailed off. He was positive Severus had just snorted; in anger? "What?"
"Oh, I was just remembering the time Black got a hold of a pair of Muggle roller skates and skated towards some stairs. He was going too fast and I guess he forgot about them moving."
"Oh no," Dumbledore said, smiling. "What happened?" he asked, intrigued that Severus was talking civilly about Sirius.
"The stairs moved and he fell. Potter managed to slow his fall with a spell but even so Black landed on Potter and broke four of Potter's ribs. The Gryffindor's shunned Black for weeks since Potter couldn't play Quidditch for awhile," Severus looked out at the Forbidden Forest then at Dumbledore. "I guess he did have a tendency not to think things through."
Dumbledore couldn't believe this. After all these years of hatred and bitterness directed at Black and Potter, Severus was now, finally, being rational about them. Dumbledore forced himself not to give a speech, realizing that being Severus's friend was more important than lecturing him.
"Unfortunately it was that tendency that led me to believe he had betrayed the Potter's," Dumbledore said. "And his attempt on your life sealed it in my mind."
"It did?" Severus asked.
Dumbledore reached a hand out and pushed Severus's hair out of his face. "I like to see your face."
Severus blushed, turning away, trying to move in such a way to get his hair back, and Dumbledore let him. In time, hopefully, Severus would realize he wasn't ugly.
"Yes it did," Dumbledore went on. "Sirius hated you and tried to kill you so I figured that maybe he had fallen out with James and wanted him dead for it. Who would have thought Peter would have been the one?" Dumbledore asked the air.
Severus shrugged, glancing at him in bewilderment. "I never thought it because of Karkaroff. Karkaroff's a complete wimp, he would never dare to betray the Dark Lord, unless the Dark Lord was dead, and I figured Pettigrew was like that. Too scared of you to betray your side and too scared of the Dark Lord to ever go near him."
"He had us all fooled," Dumbledore sighed. "Want to walk some more?"
Severus nodded. "When we go in for the feast we'll be ravenous."
"Fine with me," Dumbledore said, glad that Severus had decided to join them.
The feast, Dumbledore hoped, would be a good experience for Severus. A nice way to introduce him back into society.