"Severus?" called Dumbledore from the living room fireplace. "Are you quite
finished being furious with me? I believe we need to have a bit of a
chat."
Thumping down the stairs of his quarters with two boxes in his arms, Snape glared at the fireplace and then spoke the command that allowed his visitor through. He didn't initiate conversation with the older wizard, however, just set down the boxes and headed back up the stairs once again. Dumbledore stood looking at the cluttered living room - boxes strewn everywhere, packing materials, robes, books, pictures and a few knick- knacks that looked as if they had been wedding presents.
Snape came back downstairs with what looked like a small cedar chest. He walked over to the dining table and carefully sat it down and waved his wand over it to ward it. Turning to face the Headmaster, he sighed.
"Albus," he began, "I must apologize for the scene I made in the Great Hall last night. I had every reason to be angry and every reason to believe you are truly a bastard; but I should never have lost control like that in front of the students."
Dumbledore stood silently.
"Are you going to fire me?" asked Snape, nervously running his hand through his hair. "I understand if you are, I probably deserve it."
Walking over to one of the open boxes and pulling out a crystal vase, Dumbledore held it up to the light coming from the fireplace and watched the light refract and dance on Severus' face.
"Is that why you're packing, my boy? You thought I would fire you? I hate to interrupt your excellent work here, Severus, but you are not fired. I'm not angry with you. It takes an amazing amount to make me angry, Severus, and trust me - you will know it when and if it happens. No, I was simply here to lend my support to you," he said. "It can't be easy to find out after all this time that you are going to be a father. How are you doing?"
Severus walked over to Dumbledore, retrieved the vase and began to wrap it in a very handy Muggle invention called "bubble wrap." It was something Hermione had introduced him to years ago when they first moved to Hogwarts. Carefully, he slid the vase into place in the box and looked around for any other breakables he could put with it.
"Everything is just lovely, Headmaster," snapped Snape. "The love of my life reappears after a seventeen year absence - seventeen years which I was faithful to her and damned lonely, mind you. She reappears and tells me she's pregnant and by the by, doesn't want a Death Eater as the father of her child."
Snape sneered. "And, what a surprise, I'm a Death Eater."
"Former Death Eater, Severus. And let's not forget the years you spent spying for us before Voldemort's last defeat. The information you gained for us was very important to our fight - and the potion you risked your life to invent, brew and administer to him with Mr. Potter was brilliant and inspired. Let's just say that I will be very surprised if he is able to return yet again. You more than redeemed yourself, my dear boy," said the Headmaster, warmly. "And, I believe you have an Order of Merlin to prove it."
"Let me grab that from my desk and trot right up to the Hospital Wing to show it to Hermione, Headmaster," said Snape, trotting out his iciest tone. "I'm sure that will make everything so much better."
Silently, Snape pulled another empty box into the center of the room and began to fill it with folded robes and women's clothing. A stack of ladies underthings followed robes, then a handful of shamelessly lacy and frilly nighties - most in vibrant Slytherin green - and finally a set of crimson and gold dress robes and matching formal gown. Dumbledore looked confused for a moment, then realization hit him.
He picked up one rather racy teddy in silver and green that would appear to leave little to the imagination and quirked an eyebrow at the blushing potions master. Snape briefly lost himself in the memories of the night he had come home from a day of exploding cauldrons and horrible first years to see Hermione perched on the dining table in that teddy. Despite his current distress, Snape glanced over at the dining table and inwardly smiled - it was the best 'dinner' he had ever had, actually. Dumbledore cleared his throat to regain the younger man's attention and then held the teddy up to Snape as if he were assessing its size.
"Either you've taken up cross-dressing on your weekends off, Severus, or you're packing Hermione's old things away," joked the Headmaster. "Which is very odd considering she just arrived."
Snape snatched the garment away from Dumbledore, sneering at him.
"Very funny, Albus. Wouldn't that be lovely? Welcome home, Hermione, I'm a cross-dressing Death Eater - what color shall we paint the nursery?" snorted Snape. "For the record, they are Hermione's things. After she left and it was apparent she would not return soon, I made the first floor study into a small bedroom for myself. A single man does not need a two-story suite designed for a growing family, Headmaster. I left her things upstairs and never thought to dispose of them or pack them away. I am doing so now."
Dumbledore considered the younger man, who was packing away books now with an almost manic energy.
"If Hermione is home, why are you packing her things away?" he asked, afraid of the answer.
"Hermione no longer lives here, she hasn't for seventeen years," snapped Snape. "I've talked to Minerva, and she is arranging a suite of rooms near Gryffindor for her and the baby. I'll have a few house elves take the boxes up for her when she's ready. We thought we'd offer to let her stay here and finish her education at Oxford, if she wants. Besides, with the special circumstances now surrounding the baby, it's best that Poppy deliver her, don't you think?"
"And you don't think she wants to live here, with her husband, in their home?" asked Dumbledore.
"No. She's already told me as much."
"Severus -"
"No, Headmaster, we've discussed it and I'm not going to pursue the matter. She told me that she did not want a Death Eater to be the father of her child. I will honor that and after the child is born, divorce her and give up my rights. I may be the biological father, but I'll not stand in her way of finding another lover, husband and better father for our child. Perhaps Mr. Potter would like an older woman," he joked without mirth. "I'm sure his Gryffindor nobility will inspire him to step in and rescue the pregnant damsel in distress. Luckily, we have the same hair color so perhaps people will believe that their healthy looking newborn is several weeks 'premature.'"
"You have it all figured out, don't you?" asked Dumbledore.
"Well, I've had a lot of time to think."
The two men stood in silence for a moment. Boxes were packed neatly and Snape had stacked them in against one of his many bookshelves to await the house elves. Dumbledore's gaze slowly scanned the room and landed on the wooden box sitting on the dining room table.
"I believe you missed one, Severus."
"No, Headmaster, I didn't. That is one I need to give to Hermione in person - It's - It is for the baby," he softly replied.
Dumbledore looked at Snape, the question written on his wrinkled face.
"If you must know--" began Snape, "I call it my 'pathetic box,' to be truthful. I -"
"Yes, Severus?" said the older wizard.
Snape took a deep breath tinged with resignation. He briskly walked to the dining table, and with a swish and flick, removed the wards on the box. He flipped open the lid and gestured to the Headmaster to have a look.
"We were trying to get pregnant when she left, obviously," he said. "I - we, had a - Let's just say that I had a strong suspicion one night that things had gone our way. It just felt right -"
"That night in the lake?" queried Dumbledore, with a soft look. Snape shot him a sharp glance and nodded.
"Then over the next three or four weeks, Hermione changed just a little both emotionally and physically. Not enough for anyone else in the castle to notice, but I could tell. I suspected she was pregnant, but since she hadn't actually told me, I wasn't completely sure. I thought she was waiting for the perfect moment, or to create the right mood - of course now I know that she was really waiting to see if the future version of Severus Snape measured up -- before she could decide whether or not I was allowed to know that I had fathered a child," he said.
"When she disappeared, I thought she had just gotten scared - freaked out, as the kids would say - and ran off for some time to think," he continued. "I went shopping that first weekend without her and bought a gift for the baby on a whim."
Snape reached into the box and pulled out a small stuffed panda bear - just the right size for little pudgy hands to squeeze and hold.
"After she didn't return and it was long past what I assumed would be the due date, I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it. Stupid, isn't it?" he plunged on, not waiting for an answer. "And on occasion, when the loneliness would get to me or when I simply missed her and the baby so much it physically would hurt - I would head to Muggle London and treat myself to dinner and shopping. More often than not, I would return with another addition to the 'pathetic box.' I'm not sure what I thought I would do with the things. But, a couple times a year, I would find something I couldn't resist."
"There's my dirty little secret laid bare for you, Headmaster," Snape said sadly. "I would appreciate it if you not let anyone else in on it - I'm not sure the students could survive the knowledge that 'Snape the bastard' willingly purchased and even loved these fuzzy booties and cuddly stuffed animals. I think it would finish several of them off, entirely."
Dumbledore silently began to examine the contents of Snape's unofficial hope chest. Besides the panda, there were several other stuffed creatures, a silver rattle, a Muggle developmental toy in black and white that squeaked, an assortment of tiny, cloth books and a handful of soft, fuzzy, warm footie pajamas in various pastel colors. Snape reached over and took a yellow one out of Dumbledore's hands. For some reason, even when he had purchased them, the footie pajamas had always hurt the most. Perhaps because he kept envisioning a warm, rosy-cheeked and chubby infant with big brown eyes and a dusting of shiny black hair wearing them while nestling sleepily in Hermione's arms.
Haunted eyes met sympathetic ones over the clothing, which Snape was now hastily and obsessively folding with shaking hands.
"Severus, you can't just let her go like this," Dumbledore said after several minutes of strained silence. "I knew when you two married that you were meant to be together. I had seldom seen two young people so much in love. You were both so happy. I used to think that all the two of you ever did was laugh. You can be that couple again. You can be a happy family."
Snape snorted in response. Dumbledore picked up a stuffed unicorn and stroked it gently. He looked back at Snape and continued:
"I can honestly say that I have never seen anyone love this much," he gestured to the box and it's contents. "You weren't sure the child had even been conceived -- and yet you love enough to grieve and not forget over the years. My boy, you and I have not gotten along well in the past few years. I know that sometimes you wished you could just call me a bastard and storm off like you did in the Great Hall last night. But if you never listen to a word this old bastard says again, listen to this one."
"You have become a miserable, hateful man," Dumbledore sighed. "You hide your great capacity to love in a box, Severus. This could be your final chance at happiness. Go to Hermione. Convince her to look past the year you spent as a Death Eater. Show her your Order of Merlin and explain exactly how you got it. Be a husband. Be a father. Quit skulking around the dungeons like an overgrown bat. You've been given a second chance at life and you are an idiot if you let it slip through your fingers."
"Are you quite finished, Headmaster?"
Dumbledore nodded. Snape held out his hand for the toy the older wizard still held. Putting it back in the box and snapping shut the lid, he glared at his boss.
"Then get the hell out."
"As you wish, Severus."
Swiftly, Dumbledore exited via the fireplace, leaving Snape alone with his thoughts.
And his 'pathetic box.'
.
Thumping down the stairs of his quarters with two boxes in his arms, Snape glared at the fireplace and then spoke the command that allowed his visitor through. He didn't initiate conversation with the older wizard, however, just set down the boxes and headed back up the stairs once again. Dumbledore stood looking at the cluttered living room - boxes strewn everywhere, packing materials, robes, books, pictures and a few knick- knacks that looked as if they had been wedding presents.
Snape came back downstairs with what looked like a small cedar chest. He walked over to the dining table and carefully sat it down and waved his wand over it to ward it. Turning to face the Headmaster, he sighed.
"Albus," he began, "I must apologize for the scene I made in the Great Hall last night. I had every reason to be angry and every reason to believe you are truly a bastard; but I should never have lost control like that in front of the students."
Dumbledore stood silently.
"Are you going to fire me?" asked Snape, nervously running his hand through his hair. "I understand if you are, I probably deserve it."
Walking over to one of the open boxes and pulling out a crystal vase, Dumbledore held it up to the light coming from the fireplace and watched the light refract and dance on Severus' face.
"Is that why you're packing, my boy? You thought I would fire you? I hate to interrupt your excellent work here, Severus, but you are not fired. I'm not angry with you. It takes an amazing amount to make me angry, Severus, and trust me - you will know it when and if it happens. No, I was simply here to lend my support to you," he said. "It can't be easy to find out after all this time that you are going to be a father. How are you doing?"
Severus walked over to Dumbledore, retrieved the vase and began to wrap it in a very handy Muggle invention called "bubble wrap." It was something Hermione had introduced him to years ago when they first moved to Hogwarts. Carefully, he slid the vase into place in the box and looked around for any other breakables he could put with it.
"Everything is just lovely, Headmaster," snapped Snape. "The love of my life reappears after a seventeen year absence - seventeen years which I was faithful to her and damned lonely, mind you. She reappears and tells me she's pregnant and by the by, doesn't want a Death Eater as the father of her child."
Snape sneered. "And, what a surprise, I'm a Death Eater."
"Former Death Eater, Severus. And let's not forget the years you spent spying for us before Voldemort's last defeat. The information you gained for us was very important to our fight - and the potion you risked your life to invent, brew and administer to him with Mr. Potter was brilliant and inspired. Let's just say that I will be very surprised if he is able to return yet again. You more than redeemed yourself, my dear boy," said the Headmaster, warmly. "And, I believe you have an Order of Merlin to prove it."
"Let me grab that from my desk and trot right up to the Hospital Wing to show it to Hermione, Headmaster," said Snape, trotting out his iciest tone. "I'm sure that will make everything so much better."
Silently, Snape pulled another empty box into the center of the room and began to fill it with folded robes and women's clothing. A stack of ladies underthings followed robes, then a handful of shamelessly lacy and frilly nighties - most in vibrant Slytherin green - and finally a set of crimson and gold dress robes and matching formal gown. Dumbledore looked confused for a moment, then realization hit him.
He picked up one rather racy teddy in silver and green that would appear to leave little to the imagination and quirked an eyebrow at the blushing potions master. Snape briefly lost himself in the memories of the night he had come home from a day of exploding cauldrons and horrible first years to see Hermione perched on the dining table in that teddy. Despite his current distress, Snape glanced over at the dining table and inwardly smiled - it was the best 'dinner' he had ever had, actually. Dumbledore cleared his throat to regain the younger man's attention and then held the teddy up to Snape as if he were assessing its size.
"Either you've taken up cross-dressing on your weekends off, Severus, or you're packing Hermione's old things away," joked the Headmaster. "Which is very odd considering she just arrived."
Snape snatched the garment away from Dumbledore, sneering at him.
"Very funny, Albus. Wouldn't that be lovely? Welcome home, Hermione, I'm a cross-dressing Death Eater - what color shall we paint the nursery?" snorted Snape. "For the record, they are Hermione's things. After she left and it was apparent she would not return soon, I made the first floor study into a small bedroom for myself. A single man does not need a two-story suite designed for a growing family, Headmaster. I left her things upstairs and never thought to dispose of them or pack them away. I am doing so now."
Dumbledore considered the younger man, who was packing away books now with an almost manic energy.
"If Hermione is home, why are you packing her things away?" he asked, afraid of the answer.
"Hermione no longer lives here, she hasn't for seventeen years," snapped Snape. "I've talked to Minerva, and she is arranging a suite of rooms near Gryffindor for her and the baby. I'll have a few house elves take the boxes up for her when she's ready. We thought we'd offer to let her stay here and finish her education at Oxford, if she wants. Besides, with the special circumstances now surrounding the baby, it's best that Poppy deliver her, don't you think?"
"And you don't think she wants to live here, with her husband, in their home?" asked Dumbledore.
"No. She's already told me as much."
"Severus -"
"No, Headmaster, we've discussed it and I'm not going to pursue the matter. She told me that she did not want a Death Eater to be the father of her child. I will honor that and after the child is born, divorce her and give up my rights. I may be the biological father, but I'll not stand in her way of finding another lover, husband and better father for our child. Perhaps Mr. Potter would like an older woman," he joked without mirth. "I'm sure his Gryffindor nobility will inspire him to step in and rescue the pregnant damsel in distress. Luckily, we have the same hair color so perhaps people will believe that their healthy looking newborn is several weeks 'premature.'"
"You have it all figured out, don't you?" asked Dumbledore.
"Well, I've had a lot of time to think."
The two men stood in silence for a moment. Boxes were packed neatly and Snape had stacked them in against one of his many bookshelves to await the house elves. Dumbledore's gaze slowly scanned the room and landed on the wooden box sitting on the dining room table.
"I believe you missed one, Severus."
"No, Headmaster, I didn't. That is one I need to give to Hermione in person - It's - It is for the baby," he softly replied.
Dumbledore looked at Snape, the question written on his wrinkled face.
"If you must know--" began Snape, "I call it my 'pathetic box,' to be truthful. I -"
"Yes, Severus?" said the older wizard.
Snape took a deep breath tinged with resignation. He briskly walked to the dining table, and with a swish and flick, removed the wards on the box. He flipped open the lid and gestured to the Headmaster to have a look.
"We were trying to get pregnant when she left, obviously," he said. "I - we, had a - Let's just say that I had a strong suspicion one night that things had gone our way. It just felt right -"
"That night in the lake?" queried Dumbledore, with a soft look. Snape shot him a sharp glance and nodded.
"Then over the next three or four weeks, Hermione changed just a little both emotionally and physically. Not enough for anyone else in the castle to notice, but I could tell. I suspected she was pregnant, but since she hadn't actually told me, I wasn't completely sure. I thought she was waiting for the perfect moment, or to create the right mood - of course now I know that she was really waiting to see if the future version of Severus Snape measured up -- before she could decide whether or not I was allowed to know that I had fathered a child," he said.
"When she disappeared, I thought she had just gotten scared - freaked out, as the kids would say - and ran off for some time to think," he continued. "I went shopping that first weekend without her and bought a gift for the baby on a whim."
Snape reached into the box and pulled out a small stuffed panda bear - just the right size for little pudgy hands to squeeze and hold.
"After she didn't return and it was long past what I assumed would be the due date, I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it. Stupid, isn't it?" he plunged on, not waiting for an answer. "And on occasion, when the loneliness would get to me or when I simply missed her and the baby so much it physically would hurt - I would head to Muggle London and treat myself to dinner and shopping. More often than not, I would return with another addition to the 'pathetic box.' I'm not sure what I thought I would do with the things. But, a couple times a year, I would find something I couldn't resist."
"There's my dirty little secret laid bare for you, Headmaster," Snape said sadly. "I would appreciate it if you not let anyone else in on it - I'm not sure the students could survive the knowledge that 'Snape the bastard' willingly purchased and even loved these fuzzy booties and cuddly stuffed animals. I think it would finish several of them off, entirely."
Dumbledore silently began to examine the contents of Snape's unofficial hope chest. Besides the panda, there were several other stuffed creatures, a silver rattle, a Muggle developmental toy in black and white that squeaked, an assortment of tiny, cloth books and a handful of soft, fuzzy, warm footie pajamas in various pastel colors. Snape reached over and took a yellow one out of Dumbledore's hands. For some reason, even when he had purchased them, the footie pajamas had always hurt the most. Perhaps because he kept envisioning a warm, rosy-cheeked and chubby infant with big brown eyes and a dusting of shiny black hair wearing them while nestling sleepily in Hermione's arms.
Haunted eyes met sympathetic ones over the clothing, which Snape was now hastily and obsessively folding with shaking hands.
"Severus, you can't just let her go like this," Dumbledore said after several minutes of strained silence. "I knew when you two married that you were meant to be together. I had seldom seen two young people so much in love. You were both so happy. I used to think that all the two of you ever did was laugh. You can be that couple again. You can be a happy family."
Snape snorted in response. Dumbledore picked up a stuffed unicorn and stroked it gently. He looked back at Snape and continued:
"I can honestly say that I have never seen anyone love this much," he gestured to the box and it's contents. "You weren't sure the child had even been conceived -- and yet you love enough to grieve and not forget over the years. My boy, you and I have not gotten along well in the past few years. I know that sometimes you wished you could just call me a bastard and storm off like you did in the Great Hall last night. But if you never listen to a word this old bastard says again, listen to this one."
"You have become a miserable, hateful man," Dumbledore sighed. "You hide your great capacity to love in a box, Severus. This could be your final chance at happiness. Go to Hermione. Convince her to look past the year you spent as a Death Eater. Show her your Order of Merlin and explain exactly how you got it. Be a husband. Be a father. Quit skulking around the dungeons like an overgrown bat. You've been given a second chance at life and you are an idiot if you let it slip through your fingers."
"Are you quite finished, Headmaster?"
Dumbledore nodded. Snape held out his hand for the toy the older wizard still held. Putting it back in the box and snapping shut the lid, he glared at his boss.
"Then get the hell out."
"As you wish, Severus."
Swiftly, Dumbledore exited via the fireplace, leaving Snape alone with his thoughts.
And his 'pathetic box.'
.