Hermione looked at the man standing before her and her heart suddenly
broke. He was about 40, she mused. And he looked about 60; worn, tired and
nearly broken. As he paced, she recognized the gait of a spy, his elegant
catlike grace that had characterized the Professor Snape she grew up with.
He's been through so much, she thought. I should have been here for all of
it - for him.
Sighing, she voiced her thoughts to the dark man sulking into the dying embers of the fire.
"Yes, you should have been here. You chose to leave and I made my choices after you left. That's how life works. It sucks."
She stifled a giggle at his unexpected choice of words, earning a sharp, very Snape-like glare from her partner. She stilled the mirth into a soft smile and relaxed back into her chair.
"How are you, Severus?"
"I've been better."
They stared at each other quietly, each trying to decide how the other felt and what the other wanted from this awkward situation. Silence threatened to take the room hostage. Finally, Snape sat on one of the couches facing Hermione.
"How are you feeling, Hermione?"
"Good. Still disoriented, but I have admit that I feel like I'm home. Especially now that I'm back in our quarters."
He winced, but continued to hold her gaze.
"And, the baby?"
"The baby is fine. I had spoken with Poppy about the effects of long- distance time travel on her before I decided to attempt it. She was prepared for me and was able to correct any negative effects. Of course, I had expected the Poppy of the1980s to have to help me - not the 1990s." Hermione quirked a small smile in Snape's direction. He answered with a scowl. "I'm about six weeks along now. I had planned to tell you that night -"
"I figured as much when I saw you had set a formal dinner for two," interrupted Snape, bitterly. "I wish you had left a note. Or - something. Dumbledore's assurances that I would see you again were cold comfort."
"I know. I intended to make the trip, see how you were and then come back before dinner. I had every intention of telling you everything that night - from how you had been my professor, to my trip back in time, to how Voldemort would attempt to court you for your potions and Dark Arts skills. And I hoped to tell you that things looked better in the future we had created than in one that I had left. If that makes any sense," Hermione tried another smile, shaking her head.
Surprisingly, Snape smiled back.
"When we studied time turners during my sixth year, I swore I'd never let myself get caught in one of these Merlin-forsaken time paradoxes. The past is the future, the future is the past, it all just gives me a damned headache. I must say I'm relieved that it seems to have a similar effect on you," he said.
Snape stretched his long legs out in front of him and relaxed back into the sofa cushions. Hermione fought the urge to go to him and curl up by his side. But, she decided to stay put and let him make the first move - he was, after all, the injured party here.
"Having any morning sickness?" he asked.
"Yes," blushed Hermione. "I was especially grateful to be in the Hospital Wing yesterday. They brought in fish and chips for the sick students there and the smell almost killed me."
"No fish. I'll remember that tidbit of information." He smiled slightly.
"But, the baby is really doing well?" he repeated, needing assurance.
"She's fine."
"She-?"
"Yes."
Snape sighed and closed his eyes. They had talked frequently during the year they were trying to conceive about whether they wanted a boy or a girl. Snape had always insisted he wanted a girl, and to hell with carrying on the family name. A girl, he thought. No, a daughter.
"When is she due?"
"May 25th."
They sat in silence once again. She smiled at her husband, who was still sulking a bit, but she could tell he was beginning to soften towards her and their situation. Finally.
"And in about 11 years, you'll have a little Snape to teach all about potions," she teased. "Although, knowing you, she'll be prepared for her potions NEWTS before she even enters Hogwarts."
"And you'll have her ready to Apparate and transfigure into an animagus, too, I'm sure," he replied, quietly. "I don't suppose there is much chance of the baby being a squib with us for parents. You are a very powerful witch, Hermione. I didn't recognize that when we were married, but being your professor all these years made me realize it. Your powers amaze me."
"Thank you." She paused, thoughtfully. "Was it horrible having to teach my eleven-year-old self?"
"You have no idea." He stood and began pacing the room. "It was a horrible paradox. I couldn't show you favoritism even though your older self was my wife. I felt terribly guilty for being mean to you and your friends, but I was so angry at the position I was put in -"
"Severus--"
"Dammit, Hermione!" he spat. "I am a damn good teacher. I take my responsibilities in the development of my students very seriously. I have never -- not once in nearly 20 years of teaching - felt an inappropriate attraction or lust for any of our older girls. Even when the other male faculty members would joke at the Head Table about the 'assets' certain students had developed - But, I never - "
Snape gripped the fireplace mantle with both hands and refused to look at her as he decided how best to go on. His wedding ring shone on his left hand, she noticed with a jolt of excitement. He didn't have it on in the Hospital Wing a few days ago, she thought, smiling slightly. Despite her happiness at this discovery, as his silence stretched into minutes and his breathing became heavier, she became frightened with what he would say next. Finally, he gathered himself together enough to continue icily:
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to be faced with the 11-year-old version of the only woman you've ever loved and the only woman you've ever made love to? Every day? How disgusted I was with myself when I would watch you and I would catch a glimpse of the woman I knew you would become in your eyes or your smile -- and I would get bloody aroused? In class. By a CHILD!" he hissed dangerously. "I thought I was going insane or worse, that I might somehow become some repulsive pedophile. It's a wonder I'm not more of an evil bastard than I am."
Hermione stood and walked to him, putting her arms around his waist and hugging him from behind. He was breathing heavily and trying very hard not to start bawling like an infant.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you through all of that."
He took a deep shuddering breath and replied: "I know."
"I could try to go back and change thi-"
"No. It's not worth the life of our child," he replied softly, still not turning to meet her eyes. "I would rather have lived through it all than put her and her mother in danger, Hermione."
They stood by the fireplace for a few minutes before Snape extricated himself from her embrace and walked back to the sofa, motioning her to follow. They sat, not quite touching, but close enough to feel the warmth radiating from each other's bodies.
"Did you and Dumbledore ever work out how I was sent back in time, Severus?" Hermione asked. "He and I could never figure it out in the past, but I thought maybe there was some clue left behind in the present."
"No," he said. "No, we haven't figured it out. We scanned the area for residual magic and to see if we could determine if there was someone else on the road to Hogsmeade that day. But only students and teachers passed that space that day. And the only people present when you vanished were myself, Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley."
He paused, hesitant to tell her his suspicions.
"I've always suspected it was someone connected with Voldemort and the Death Eaters."
She gasped.
"Why? What advantage would there be of sending me to the past? If I'm a threat, just kill me -"
"Hermione," he began. "I think you were sent back with the intent of hurting me or at least interfering with the past enough to - well, be the catalyst for my joining the Death Eaters. But, then, when you were sent back from the future, I was already spying against them and active in their ranks, supposedly. That's what I suspect, but it's all such a confusing circle -"
"I know. It makes your head hurt." She paused. "Poppy tells me that you and Harry defeated Voldemort at Halloween."
"We - stopped him momentarily, Hermione," he said, softly. "I do not believe he is gone for good. But perhaps long enough for us to enjoy some peace. We needed it."
Hermione bit her lip, thinking and studying him intently.
"What is it, Hermione?"
"May I see it?"
"See what?"
"The Dark Mark."
He looked at her intently. Slowly, he removed his robes and began to roll up the sleeve of his shirt. It wasn't pretty, but it didn't look as sinister as she had remembered from her fourth year. Carefully, she traced the outline of the mark with her finger, making him gasp.
"Don't, Hermione," he said, his eyes pleading with her. "It's - evil."
Smiling as reassuringly as she could, she clasped the hand the mark resided above and drew it to her stomach.
"It's all in the past, Severus," she said. "This is our future."
Snape ripped his arm away from Hermione's grasp and shot up off the sofa. He stormed around the room a few times at a frantic pace, muttering to himself and with a wild look of panic on his rugged, creased face. Finally, he turned to Hermione.
"I have worked with Minerva to arrange you a set of rooms near Gryffindor tower," he said, firmly and without emotion. "I will remain your husband until the baby is born so she does not have to suffer the title of 'bastard,' however I will do you the courtesy of divorcing you and giving up my rights to her soon after. You are free to find a husband who does not bear the Dark Mark, Hermione."
"Severus!" Hermione said, in shock. "I don't care about that -"
"I do. And I do not want my daughter to be raised around evil. I am evil, Hermione. I do not want any arguments. You are too young to understand the repercussions of our remaining married. I am the adult in this situation," he said with icy calmness. "I expect to find my rooms empty when I return tonight from dinner."
With that, he stalked to the entrance and quietly left the room, leaving Hermione staring at the closed door. Confused. Very confused.
"You know, I have really had it with this superiority complex of yours," sighed Hermione to the empty room.
tbc
Sighing, she voiced her thoughts to the dark man sulking into the dying embers of the fire.
"Yes, you should have been here. You chose to leave and I made my choices after you left. That's how life works. It sucks."
She stifled a giggle at his unexpected choice of words, earning a sharp, very Snape-like glare from her partner. She stilled the mirth into a soft smile and relaxed back into her chair.
"How are you, Severus?"
"I've been better."
They stared at each other quietly, each trying to decide how the other felt and what the other wanted from this awkward situation. Silence threatened to take the room hostage. Finally, Snape sat on one of the couches facing Hermione.
"How are you feeling, Hermione?"
"Good. Still disoriented, but I have admit that I feel like I'm home. Especially now that I'm back in our quarters."
He winced, but continued to hold her gaze.
"And, the baby?"
"The baby is fine. I had spoken with Poppy about the effects of long- distance time travel on her before I decided to attempt it. She was prepared for me and was able to correct any negative effects. Of course, I had expected the Poppy of the1980s to have to help me - not the 1990s." Hermione quirked a small smile in Snape's direction. He answered with a scowl. "I'm about six weeks along now. I had planned to tell you that night -"
"I figured as much when I saw you had set a formal dinner for two," interrupted Snape, bitterly. "I wish you had left a note. Or - something. Dumbledore's assurances that I would see you again were cold comfort."
"I know. I intended to make the trip, see how you were and then come back before dinner. I had every intention of telling you everything that night - from how you had been my professor, to my trip back in time, to how Voldemort would attempt to court you for your potions and Dark Arts skills. And I hoped to tell you that things looked better in the future we had created than in one that I had left. If that makes any sense," Hermione tried another smile, shaking her head.
Surprisingly, Snape smiled back.
"When we studied time turners during my sixth year, I swore I'd never let myself get caught in one of these Merlin-forsaken time paradoxes. The past is the future, the future is the past, it all just gives me a damned headache. I must say I'm relieved that it seems to have a similar effect on you," he said.
Snape stretched his long legs out in front of him and relaxed back into the sofa cushions. Hermione fought the urge to go to him and curl up by his side. But, she decided to stay put and let him make the first move - he was, after all, the injured party here.
"Having any morning sickness?" he asked.
"Yes," blushed Hermione. "I was especially grateful to be in the Hospital Wing yesterday. They brought in fish and chips for the sick students there and the smell almost killed me."
"No fish. I'll remember that tidbit of information." He smiled slightly.
"But, the baby is really doing well?" he repeated, needing assurance.
"She's fine."
"She-?"
"Yes."
Snape sighed and closed his eyes. They had talked frequently during the year they were trying to conceive about whether they wanted a boy or a girl. Snape had always insisted he wanted a girl, and to hell with carrying on the family name. A girl, he thought. No, a daughter.
"When is she due?"
"May 25th."
They sat in silence once again. She smiled at her husband, who was still sulking a bit, but she could tell he was beginning to soften towards her and their situation. Finally.
"And in about 11 years, you'll have a little Snape to teach all about potions," she teased. "Although, knowing you, she'll be prepared for her potions NEWTS before she even enters Hogwarts."
"And you'll have her ready to Apparate and transfigure into an animagus, too, I'm sure," he replied, quietly. "I don't suppose there is much chance of the baby being a squib with us for parents. You are a very powerful witch, Hermione. I didn't recognize that when we were married, but being your professor all these years made me realize it. Your powers amaze me."
"Thank you." She paused, thoughtfully. "Was it horrible having to teach my eleven-year-old self?"
"You have no idea." He stood and began pacing the room. "It was a horrible paradox. I couldn't show you favoritism even though your older self was my wife. I felt terribly guilty for being mean to you and your friends, but I was so angry at the position I was put in -"
"Severus--"
"Dammit, Hermione!" he spat. "I am a damn good teacher. I take my responsibilities in the development of my students very seriously. I have never -- not once in nearly 20 years of teaching - felt an inappropriate attraction or lust for any of our older girls. Even when the other male faculty members would joke at the Head Table about the 'assets' certain students had developed - But, I never - "
Snape gripped the fireplace mantle with both hands and refused to look at her as he decided how best to go on. His wedding ring shone on his left hand, she noticed with a jolt of excitement. He didn't have it on in the Hospital Wing a few days ago, she thought, smiling slightly. Despite her happiness at this discovery, as his silence stretched into minutes and his breathing became heavier, she became frightened with what he would say next. Finally, he gathered himself together enough to continue icily:
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to be faced with the 11-year-old version of the only woman you've ever loved and the only woman you've ever made love to? Every day? How disgusted I was with myself when I would watch you and I would catch a glimpse of the woman I knew you would become in your eyes or your smile -- and I would get bloody aroused? In class. By a CHILD!" he hissed dangerously. "I thought I was going insane or worse, that I might somehow become some repulsive pedophile. It's a wonder I'm not more of an evil bastard than I am."
Hermione stood and walked to him, putting her arms around his waist and hugging him from behind. He was breathing heavily and trying very hard not to start bawling like an infant.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you through all of that."
He took a deep shuddering breath and replied: "I know."
"I could try to go back and change thi-"
"No. It's not worth the life of our child," he replied softly, still not turning to meet her eyes. "I would rather have lived through it all than put her and her mother in danger, Hermione."
They stood by the fireplace for a few minutes before Snape extricated himself from her embrace and walked back to the sofa, motioning her to follow. They sat, not quite touching, but close enough to feel the warmth radiating from each other's bodies.
"Did you and Dumbledore ever work out how I was sent back in time, Severus?" Hermione asked. "He and I could never figure it out in the past, but I thought maybe there was some clue left behind in the present."
"No," he said. "No, we haven't figured it out. We scanned the area for residual magic and to see if we could determine if there was someone else on the road to Hogsmeade that day. But only students and teachers passed that space that day. And the only people present when you vanished were myself, Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley."
He paused, hesitant to tell her his suspicions.
"I've always suspected it was someone connected with Voldemort and the Death Eaters."
She gasped.
"Why? What advantage would there be of sending me to the past? If I'm a threat, just kill me -"
"Hermione," he began. "I think you were sent back with the intent of hurting me or at least interfering with the past enough to - well, be the catalyst for my joining the Death Eaters. But, then, when you were sent back from the future, I was already spying against them and active in their ranks, supposedly. That's what I suspect, but it's all such a confusing circle -"
"I know. It makes your head hurt." She paused. "Poppy tells me that you and Harry defeated Voldemort at Halloween."
"We - stopped him momentarily, Hermione," he said, softly. "I do not believe he is gone for good. But perhaps long enough for us to enjoy some peace. We needed it."
Hermione bit her lip, thinking and studying him intently.
"What is it, Hermione?"
"May I see it?"
"See what?"
"The Dark Mark."
He looked at her intently. Slowly, he removed his robes and began to roll up the sleeve of his shirt. It wasn't pretty, but it didn't look as sinister as she had remembered from her fourth year. Carefully, she traced the outline of the mark with her finger, making him gasp.
"Don't, Hermione," he said, his eyes pleading with her. "It's - evil."
Smiling as reassuringly as she could, she clasped the hand the mark resided above and drew it to her stomach.
"It's all in the past, Severus," she said. "This is our future."
Snape ripped his arm away from Hermione's grasp and shot up off the sofa. He stormed around the room a few times at a frantic pace, muttering to himself and with a wild look of panic on his rugged, creased face. Finally, he turned to Hermione.
"I have worked with Minerva to arrange you a set of rooms near Gryffindor tower," he said, firmly and without emotion. "I will remain your husband until the baby is born so she does not have to suffer the title of 'bastard,' however I will do you the courtesy of divorcing you and giving up my rights to her soon after. You are free to find a husband who does not bear the Dark Mark, Hermione."
"Severus!" Hermione said, in shock. "I don't care about that -"
"I do. And I do not want my daughter to be raised around evil. I am evil, Hermione. I do not want any arguments. You are too young to understand the repercussions of our remaining married. I am the adult in this situation," he said with icy calmness. "I expect to find my rooms empty when I return tonight from dinner."
With that, he stalked to the entrance and quietly left the room, leaving Hermione staring at the closed door. Confused. Very confused.
"You know, I have really had it with this superiority complex of yours," sighed Hermione to the empty room.
tbc