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3. Still Running?
"Angel." I said smiling. He looked a bit different, tired maybe but just as I remembered, just as I wanted. I'd got to stop doing this to myself, think of Richard, but I couldn't, not with him stood in front of me in all his gorgeous self. But then something different bubbled up in me, and it wasn't love wasn't desire; it was anger, a fierce rage which was directed at him. But just as I had gotten good at hiding my true self, I hid this anger under a cool mask, the smile disappearing. I had to be Beth, if for nothing else but Carol's benefit. My life was too good to mess with here and I knew Angel could mess with things just fine.
"Buffy." He said again. And I became painfully aware of Carol looking confusedly back and forth between us. So I tried to make it as painless as possible. I had this horrible feeling this was where this life was going to get flushed down the toilet and I didn't want that to happen. This was the life I wanted, but was it really? I told myself to shut up.
"Carol, this is Angel, he's a.old friend. Angel this is my friend Carol." They shook hands and things remained awkward. Obviously sensing this, Carol decided she'd better go.
"Hey, maybe I should leave you two alone to talk or something." I smiled my pretend smile, silently begging her to stay so she and I could go home together and I could try to forget I ever saw Angel today. But she didn't, looking back she mouthed at me to tell her everything later and called, "Bye Beth." and then she was gone. It was just Angel and Ayanna and me.
"So."
"So." I echoed as his eyes looked over me and then his glance shifted to my now sleeping daughter. He smiled, at least it could have been a smile, it looked to be halfway between that and a look of pain.
"Buffy, you have a beautiful daughter." He told me. I smiled graciously; glad to have something to talk about like normal old friends when they bumped into each other.
"Thank you, her name is Ayanna."
"That's a pretty name." For a second all I could think of was talking to Angel in a crypt when we'd only just met. "Buffy would you like to get a drink?" His voice sounded forced and I wasn't sure if he really wanted to.
"Okay." I agreed reluctantly.
When we were seated at a booth in a nearby coffee house and I'd made sure Ayanna was still asleep and okay I turned my attention back to my coffee and Angel's interested gaze. "You're a mother Buffy." He remarked and not sure how I was to reply to this obvious statement I replied,
"Yes, I'm a Mom." And I smiled my first true smile in hours. What was I doing here? We couldn't do this, I couldn't. But I guess I can't get out of it now. "So, Angel what you been up to?" The fake smile was back and he knew it, knew I was struggling for things to say.
"Buffy, shouldn't I be asking you that very question instead?" He asked, anger evident in his voice. It hit a nerve with me.
"What? Why do you care? It's my life not yours."
"I care Buffy, we all do and why? Buffy, you've been missing for four years. Four years Buffy. You have no idea how many times I've imaged meeting you in some inane place."
"I wasn't missing to me." I muttered into my drink, his face clouded over.
"Buffy, do you have any idea what you did to everyone when you left? Do you?" I looked up to see him looking a little less angry and suddenly I felt like I needed to tell him.
"Yes, I realise and I'm sorry but you don't understand what it was like being me in that place. I just couldn't go on, I had to get out and I did try to explain." He smiled grimly.
"You mean those letters. They didn't explain though did they? They might have been able to fool Anya and Tara and maybe even Xander to an extent but Buffy, do you really think that they fooled Giles or Willow or me? They didn't, we knew there was more to it and that what we guessed was actually the matter was just the tip of the iceberg but we could have helped you. I wanted to help you."
"Yes but I didn't want help, all I wanted was to leave, to have a life, one that didn't include death and destruction and misery and pain. I just couldn't stay Angel, you should understand that, you were good at leaving weren't you?" I couldn't stop the words coming out, admitting that I was still hurt by his leaving. I'd meant to not say anything but Angel seemed to have this ability to make me spill all these angry feelings. I was cross with myself for telling him things I had wanted to keep to myself.
"Buffy! That was completely different. I left because I thought it was best for you."
"Oh yes, just like you think a load of things are good for me and I don't get a say in them. It's always Angel the decision maker. It's not just your life Angel." I glanced down to check on Ayanna who was still sleeping, thankfully. She didn't need to witness this.
"What?" He spat out.
"Oh, only the day that you took away from me, away from us. Or have you forgotten now, was it too horrible to remember being with me, because I don't think that's the way it went."
"You remember." He stated in an almost unbelieving voice. "I haven't forgotten Buffy and I did it to save you. How did you remember, you weren't meant to."
"Oh that's right I wasn't meant to remember one of the best days of my life, what a joke, it could only happen in my life." I breathed out slowly trying to compose myself. "I remembered the first year I left, in New York." I hadn't meant to tell him that, I'd let my guard down for a moment, let him talk to me and I was already telling him more things.
"You were in New York? I looked for you there." What?
"You looked for me?" I asked sipping my coffee; it made me feel a bit better.
"Of course I did, you didn't think I didn't care did you?" I shrugged. He grabbed my arm, determined to get my attention. "Buffy?"
"I don't know, you had your own life, I didn't and you weren't there." I pulled away and he let go of my arm and nodded, understanding.
"It wasn't just Dawn was it? Why you left?" He asked. There was no easy or short answer to that question and frankly I'd rather tell him about what I'd been doing since I left than talk about that. It's too difficult for me. I opted for a change of subject, hoping it would distract him away from that question. I just wasn't ready to answer it.
"So where's Willow?" I asked avoiding his eyes. He knew I was avoiding and thankfully he let it go this time, maybe I could get away before he asked me again.
"You saw Willow? It was you at the café today." I nodded. "I knew it, it felt like you, I just didn't expect." He looked at Aya and I smiled.
"Neither did I." I said smiling again. "So Willow?" I asked again.
"She's on a business trip and she thought I should come with her, give me a break. She's at a meeting right now." I nodded.
"IBM." I murmured.
"Huh?"
"IBM." I said louder this time. He looked confused.
"You know about her job, how?" I smiled sheepishly.
"I had an internet PI. I was just checking they were okay. It's been a year since I last did anything though. Been busy with work and Ayanna and everything."
"A year?" He said strangely. "Then you don't know." I panicked was something wrong?
"Why, what's wrong, is there something wrong? Tell me." I demanded, quickly becoming frantic.
"Calm down Buffy, nothing is wrong, everyone is fine. Nice to know you still care."
"Of course I care." I snapped at him, "Like anything could stop me." I stood up suddenly, trying to think up an excuse for going. "I have to go, get home." I said gathering my things. He stood up too, putting his hand on my arm; I felt a jolt of electricity but chose to ignore it.
"Buffy, can I help you?" When he saw me shake my head he continued, "Can I see you again Buffy, I need to." I pulled away from him but he walked along side me as I headed towards the car park. "Worried I'm disrupting your perfect life Buffy? I just want to know you're okay." I turned to him.
"I'm fine Angel, but I need to go."
"Are you happy?"
"Of course I'm happy, why wouldn't I be?" I asked angrily as we reached the car park. "I'm sorry, I just need to go."
"Is that your solution to everything?" He asked, equally angry. I shot him a look and he seemed to drop it.
"Bye Angel." I tried to smile but found my face muscles won't cooperate. He looked like the old broody Angel now. And I heard him whisper, "Bye Buffy." I walked to my car. I felt his eyes on us as I lifted Aya out and folded the stroller, putting it away in the trunk. When I turned to Aya to get her in the car I found she was looking curiously at Angel who wasn't far away.
"Who's sat Mom?" She asked pointing at him. I sighed.
"Just someone I used to know baby." She climbed in her seat and I buckled her in. I knew he was still there and he remained there until I pulled out onto the road outside.
As much as I didn't want to face it and however annoying it was: I knew that Angel was right. In a way I was still running, psychologically if not physically and part of me didn't want to stop. I suppose I knew it would have to happen eventually. The scary thing was; I wasn't sure if four years was enough, and if it weren't, how long would I be like this? Even that thought was almost enough to make me face my demons. Whatever happened, I knew I needed help.
Questions, comments, suggestions? Do we have a verdict?
3. Still Running?
"Angel." I said smiling. He looked a bit different, tired maybe but just as I remembered, just as I wanted. I'd got to stop doing this to myself, think of Richard, but I couldn't, not with him stood in front of me in all his gorgeous self. But then something different bubbled up in me, and it wasn't love wasn't desire; it was anger, a fierce rage which was directed at him. But just as I had gotten good at hiding my true self, I hid this anger under a cool mask, the smile disappearing. I had to be Beth, if for nothing else but Carol's benefit. My life was too good to mess with here and I knew Angel could mess with things just fine.
"Buffy." He said again. And I became painfully aware of Carol looking confusedly back and forth between us. So I tried to make it as painless as possible. I had this horrible feeling this was where this life was going to get flushed down the toilet and I didn't want that to happen. This was the life I wanted, but was it really? I told myself to shut up.
"Carol, this is Angel, he's a.old friend. Angel this is my friend Carol." They shook hands and things remained awkward. Obviously sensing this, Carol decided she'd better go.
"Hey, maybe I should leave you two alone to talk or something." I smiled my pretend smile, silently begging her to stay so she and I could go home together and I could try to forget I ever saw Angel today. But she didn't, looking back she mouthed at me to tell her everything later and called, "Bye Beth." and then she was gone. It was just Angel and Ayanna and me.
"So."
"So." I echoed as his eyes looked over me and then his glance shifted to my now sleeping daughter. He smiled, at least it could have been a smile, it looked to be halfway between that and a look of pain.
"Buffy, you have a beautiful daughter." He told me. I smiled graciously; glad to have something to talk about like normal old friends when they bumped into each other.
"Thank you, her name is Ayanna."
"That's a pretty name." For a second all I could think of was talking to Angel in a crypt when we'd only just met. "Buffy would you like to get a drink?" His voice sounded forced and I wasn't sure if he really wanted to.
"Okay." I agreed reluctantly.
When we were seated at a booth in a nearby coffee house and I'd made sure Ayanna was still asleep and okay I turned my attention back to my coffee and Angel's interested gaze. "You're a mother Buffy." He remarked and not sure how I was to reply to this obvious statement I replied,
"Yes, I'm a Mom." And I smiled my first true smile in hours. What was I doing here? We couldn't do this, I couldn't. But I guess I can't get out of it now. "So, Angel what you been up to?" The fake smile was back and he knew it, knew I was struggling for things to say.
"Buffy, shouldn't I be asking you that very question instead?" He asked, anger evident in his voice. It hit a nerve with me.
"What? Why do you care? It's my life not yours."
"I care Buffy, we all do and why? Buffy, you've been missing for four years. Four years Buffy. You have no idea how many times I've imaged meeting you in some inane place."
"I wasn't missing to me." I muttered into my drink, his face clouded over.
"Buffy, do you have any idea what you did to everyone when you left? Do you?" I looked up to see him looking a little less angry and suddenly I felt like I needed to tell him.
"Yes, I realise and I'm sorry but you don't understand what it was like being me in that place. I just couldn't go on, I had to get out and I did try to explain." He smiled grimly.
"You mean those letters. They didn't explain though did they? They might have been able to fool Anya and Tara and maybe even Xander to an extent but Buffy, do you really think that they fooled Giles or Willow or me? They didn't, we knew there was more to it and that what we guessed was actually the matter was just the tip of the iceberg but we could have helped you. I wanted to help you."
"Yes but I didn't want help, all I wanted was to leave, to have a life, one that didn't include death and destruction and misery and pain. I just couldn't stay Angel, you should understand that, you were good at leaving weren't you?" I couldn't stop the words coming out, admitting that I was still hurt by his leaving. I'd meant to not say anything but Angel seemed to have this ability to make me spill all these angry feelings. I was cross with myself for telling him things I had wanted to keep to myself.
"Buffy! That was completely different. I left because I thought it was best for you."
"Oh yes, just like you think a load of things are good for me and I don't get a say in them. It's always Angel the decision maker. It's not just your life Angel." I glanced down to check on Ayanna who was still sleeping, thankfully. She didn't need to witness this.
"What?" He spat out.
"Oh, only the day that you took away from me, away from us. Or have you forgotten now, was it too horrible to remember being with me, because I don't think that's the way it went."
"You remember." He stated in an almost unbelieving voice. "I haven't forgotten Buffy and I did it to save you. How did you remember, you weren't meant to."
"Oh that's right I wasn't meant to remember one of the best days of my life, what a joke, it could only happen in my life." I breathed out slowly trying to compose myself. "I remembered the first year I left, in New York." I hadn't meant to tell him that, I'd let my guard down for a moment, let him talk to me and I was already telling him more things.
"You were in New York? I looked for you there." What?
"You looked for me?" I asked sipping my coffee; it made me feel a bit better.
"Of course I did, you didn't think I didn't care did you?" I shrugged. He grabbed my arm, determined to get my attention. "Buffy?"
"I don't know, you had your own life, I didn't and you weren't there." I pulled away and he let go of my arm and nodded, understanding.
"It wasn't just Dawn was it? Why you left?" He asked. There was no easy or short answer to that question and frankly I'd rather tell him about what I'd been doing since I left than talk about that. It's too difficult for me. I opted for a change of subject, hoping it would distract him away from that question. I just wasn't ready to answer it.
"So where's Willow?" I asked avoiding his eyes. He knew I was avoiding and thankfully he let it go this time, maybe I could get away before he asked me again.
"You saw Willow? It was you at the café today." I nodded. "I knew it, it felt like you, I just didn't expect." He looked at Aya and I smiled.
"Neither did I." I said smiling again. "So Willow?" I asked again.
"She's on a business trip and she thought I should come with her, give me a break. She's at a meeting right now." I nodded.
"IBM." I murmured.
"Huh?"
"IBM." I said louder this time. He looked confused.
"You know about her job, how?" I smiled sheepishly.
"I had an internet PI. I was just checking they were okay. It's been a year since I last did anything though. Been busy with work and Ayanna and everything."
"A year?" He said strangely. "Then you don't know." I panicked was something wrong?
"Why, what's wrong, is there something wrong? Tell me." I demanded, quickly becoming frantic.
"Calm down Buffy, nothing is wrong, everyone is fine. Nice to know you still care."
"Of course I care." I snapped at him, "Like anything could stop me." I stood up suddenly, trying to think up an excuse for going. "I have to go, get home." I said gathering my things. He stood up too, putting his hand on my arm; I felt a jolt of electricity but chose to ignore it.
"Buffy, can I help you?" When he saw me shake my head he continued, "Can I see you again Buffy, I need to." I pulled away from him but he walked along side me as I headed towards the car park. "Worried I'm disrupting your perfect life Buffy? I just want to know you're okay." I turned to him.
"I'm fine Angel, but I need to go."
"Are you happy?"
"Of course I'm happy, why wouldn't I be?" I asked angrily as we reached the car park. "I'm sorry, I just need to go."
"Is that your solution to everything?" He asked, equally angry. I shot him a look and he seemed to drop it.
"Bye Angel." I tried to smile but found my face muscles won't cooperate. He looked like the old broody Angel now. And I heard him whisper, "Bye Buffy." I walked to my car. I felt his eyes on us as I lifted Aya out and folded the stroller, putting it away in the trunk. When I turned to Aya to get her in the car I found she was looking curiously at Angel who wasn't far away.
"Who's sat Mom?" She asked pointing at him. I sighed.
"Just someone I used to know baby." She climbed in her seat and I buckled her in. I knew he was still there and he remained there until I pulled out onto the road outside.
As much as I didn't want to face it and however annoying it was: I knew that Angel was right. In a way I was still running, psychologically if not physically and part of me didn't want to stop. I suppose I knew it would have to happen eventually. The scary thing was; I wasn't sure if four years was enough, and if it weren't, how long would I be like this? Even that thought was almost enough to make me face my demons. Whatever happened, I knew I needed help.
Questions, comments, suggestions? Do we have a verdict?