Thanks for all the feedback, very encouraging since this was the first fic
I wrote. Thanks you guys! Here's the last part. Enjoy!
6.Awake and Alive
"Do you want to come in for a drink?" I asked hesitantly as we sat in front of my building.
"Yes, I'd like that." He said smiling.
What the hell made me ask that?
I picked up Aya from Carols'. She gave Angel and me this look, but all I could think about was Angel. Aya seemed happy enough to play with some toys in front of the T.V. I handed Angel his coffee.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome." He looked up.
"Am I?"
"You were always welcome Angel. I just have trouble accepting my past. It's still hard, you know? It's mostly why I try to forget." He nodded. "Do you want to know?" I asked him, hoping he remembered his question about what I'd been doing. That at least was a little easier than why I left. He nodded again and smiled slightly in encouragement. And though I hadn't meant to I found myself telling him why I did leave.
"It wasn't just Dawn Angel, it was everything. First there was Mom and then Dawn and suddenly I had no family left. And I didn't even have the slaying anymore either. With the hellmouth sealed I didn't have much to do and I didn't know who I was if I couldn't be the slayer. Everyone else had jobs and college and a future, what did I have? Nothing helped and I stopped feeling anything. Spike was a mistake; I'd been looking for things in the wrong place. All I wanted was to get out and to never look back, I felt like I was dying there Angel, I had to find a better life so I left to look for it, I knew I wouldn't find it in Sunnydale. I was sorry about leaving everyone, but I couldn't stay." I pause for breath and to judge the look on Angel's face but I couldn't really tell; it was either neutral or understanding.
"New York?" He asked quietly.
"New York, yeah, I went there first, figured I could get lost in a place like that, unfortunately I was too right. I lost myself. I was stupid, mindless and I had no direction. I was doing everything I knew I shouldn't but I couldn't seem to care. I shook myself out of it after about 10 months." I glanced at Aya fondly and continued, "I left New York three months pregnant with her, my fault but also, my hope. I've been better since I left there."
"What about her father?" He asked, his voice sounding slightly strained.
"He didn't want to know, not surprising really. Anyway, I came here on a whim and moved in here. Carol and Bill next door were so great and Carol and me were friends from the beginning so I didn't feel as alone. Somehow I managed to get through my interview at work, despite being pregnant they gave me a job instructing on self-defence and the arts and now I'm assistant manager as well. It's okay work, I do it for her anyway." I said nodding in Aya's direction where she was engrossed in a cartoon. "She's been my light you know."
"You're a great Mom, Buffy, I always knew you would be."
"Thanks." It was quiet for a few minutes as we both pretended to watch the T.V. "So, what about everyone? What are they doing now? I know I probably know but I don't know much about personal stuff, especially in the last year." He smiled.
"Xander and Anya are still engaged, I think they decided to take their time. Xander has his own business, still building stuff and everything." I smiled amused. "I don't know the exact details obviously, I was never obsessed with Xander. Anya's still running the Magic Box and still loves money. Willow and Tara are planning to get married sometime this year. I know they wanted you to be there. Willow was still hoping."
"What did you say to her?"
"I told her what you said and that I was trying to talk you round. It took a while to persuade her you needed time before you saw anyone else. Willow as you know is a top exec and programmer in IBM, she works form Sunnydale though. Occasionally going on business trips and things. Tara is teaching young children. They both love their jobs."
"I'm glad they're happy."
"They'd be happier if you were with them." I didn't say anything to that.
"Giles?" I asked.
"As far as I can tell he's happy, he married Olivia I think her name was." I nodded, and tried to blink back the tears, I'd missed so much.
"What about Cordy and everyone?" I asked.
"Since I got my reward, being human. We slowed the business down. I still have my strength but I don't have to go out and kill every evil, I just do it sometimes. Cordy's been doing a lot of stage plays and loves her work, I wouldn't be surprised if she appeared on the television soon enough. She and Wesley got married two years ago. They're very happy. I don't know if you met Gunn or Fred, short for Winifred? They got married as well. We moved the agency back to Sunnydale. I couldn't stay in LA, too many enemies. Sunnydale made me feel close to you in a way, stupid I know. I did look for you but I started the teaching, like you and that took off. It always calmed me."
"I'm glad for you Angel. I'm glad they'll all happy." He started to say something but stopped himself.
"How do you feel?" He asked.
"I'm glad I told you Angel, but at the same time I wish I hadn't, in a way, anyway. It would have been easier not too, but I'm glad I did."
"I'm glad you did too." He took my hand and squeezed it gently but I quickly withdrew it.
"What's the matter Buffy?"
"We can't just pretend nothing's happened you know." I told him, angry that he didn't seem to see this.
"Buffy, I still love you, I always have, I wanted to see if we could."
"Could what exactly? Live happily ever after? I don't think so, things like that don't happen and I can't do it again." I'd moved away from him where we were sitting, thinking that maybe a bit of distance would help.
"Buffy, I don't want to push you, what can't you do again?"
"I can't let myself love you and then get my heart ripped out again. I have no trust left you know, not just for you, I don't trust men period."
"I want you to be happy Buffy, I will leave it if you can tell me you are the happiest you ever could be here, alone with Ayanna." I looked down, how could I answer that?
After a minute Angel put his hand under my chin and lifted my face so that our gazes locked. I knew suddenly that I couldn't keep it up, keep pretending and my chin quivered as I tried not to cry. When he pulled me into his embrace though, I stopped pretending.
"It's not that I'm not happy Angel," I tried to tell him between sobs, "It's just I'm only happy because of her. She's the only one that makes it real, I do everything for her." He continued holding me until my sobs subsided and I felt so much better. He cradled my face and looked into my eyes,
"Do you love me Buffy?"
"Yes."
"Will you give us a chance? Will you come home?" He asked earnestly, almost pleading.
"I want to but."
"Buffy I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I love you and nothing can ever change that. You can trust me." I smiled through fresh tears in my eyes.
"What about?" I gestured toward Aya. And he smiled.
"Buffy, she's yours and I love you, I love her already just because of that, she's already my daughter.that is if you want me to be her father?" I nodded, smiling; I hadn't smiled so much since Aya was born. He leaned forward hesitantly, our faces moved slowly. He tentatively kissed me, trying to recapture what we had lost only to find something better. When we finally broke apart, my first reaction was,
"Wow," he said before I could, "The real thing far surpasses my dreams."
"Mine too." I told him as he pulled me into his arms and I leant into him.
Later when I woke up I found that Aya had crawled into my lap and was sleeping blissfully aware of the love that surrounded her. Angel was holding both of us and when I turned my head slightly, to look at him I found he was smiling in his sleep.
"Buffy?"
"I'm awake."
Those words have more meaning than any others right now. I am awake for the first time in years, wakened with Angel beside me. With our love that never died, but was maybe just misplaced. I know he loves me and Aya and I love him. I always have, it just seemed easier to imagine that I didn't because I didn't think I could ever have him. I was wrong though, I have him now and he knows me like no one else does. Angel always did understand me. I let him in to my heart again and now that I have, I know I can finally stop this masquerade.
The End.
6.Awake and Alive
"Do you want to come in for a drink?" I asked hesitantly as we sat in front of my building.
"Yes, I'd like that." He said smiling.
What the hell made me ask that?
I picked up Aya from Carols'. She gave Angel and me this look, but all I could think about was Angel. Aya seemed happy enough to play with some toys in front of the T.V. I handed Angel his coffee.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome." He looked up.
"Am I?"
"You were always welcome Angel. I just have trouble accepting my past. It's still hard, you know? It's mostly why I try to forget." He nodded. "Do you want to know?" I asked him, hoping he remembered his question about what I'd been doing. That at least was a little easier than why I left. He nodded again and smiled slightly in encouragement. And though I hadn't meant to I found myself telling him why I did leave.
"It wasn't just Dawn Angel, it was everything. First there was Mom and then Dawn and suddenly I had no family left. And I didn't even have the slaying anymore either. With the hellmouth sealed I didn't have much to do and I didn't know who I was if I couldn't be the slayer. Everyone else had jobs and college and a future, what did I have? Nothing helped and I stopped feeling anything. Spike was a mistake; I'd been looking for things in the wrong place. All I wanted was to get out and to never look back, I felt like I was dying there Angel, I had to find a better life so I left to look for it, I knew I wouldn't find it in Sunnydale. I was sorry about leaving everyone, but I couldn't stay." I pause for breath and to judge the look on Angel's face but I couldn't really tell; it was either neutral or understanding.
"New York?" He asked quietly.
"New York, yeah, I went there first, figured I could get lost in a place like that, unfortunately I was too right. I lost myself. I was stupid, mindless and I had no direction. I was doing everything I knew I shouldn't but I couldn't seem to care. I shook myself out of it after about 10 months." I glanced at Aya fondly and continued, "I left New York three months pregnant with her, my fault but also, my hope. I've been better since I left there."
"What about her father?" He asked, his voice sounding slightly strained.
"He didn't want to know, not surprising really. Anyway, I came here on a whim and moved in here. Carol and Bill next door were so great and Carol and me were friends from the beginning so I didn't feel as alone. Somehow I managed to get through my interview at work, despite being pregnant they gave me a job instructing on self-defence and the arts and now I'm assistant manager as well. It's okay work, I do it for her anyway." I said nodding in Aya's direction where she was engrossed in a cartoon. "She's been my light you know."
"You're a great Mom, Buffy, I always knew you would be."
"Thanks." It was quiet for a few minutes as we both pretended to watch the T.V. "So, what about everyone? What are they doing now? I know I probably know but I don't know much about personal stuff, especially in the last year." He smiled.
"Xander and Anya are still engaged, I think they decided to take their time. Xander has his own business, still building stuff and everything." I smiled amused. "I don't know the exact details obviously, I was never obsessed with Xander. Anya's still running the Magic Box and still loves money. Willow and Tara are planning to get married sometime this year. I know they wanted you to be there. Willow was still hoping."
"What did you say to her?"
"I told her what you said and that I was trying to talk you round. It took a while to persuade her you needed time before you saw anyone else. Willow as you know is a top exec and programmer in IBM, she works form Sunnydale though. Occasionally going on business trips and things. Tara is teaching young children. They both love their jobs."
"I'm glad they're happy."
"They'd be happier if you were with them." I didn't say anything to that.
"Giles?" I asked.
"As far as I can tell he's happy, he married Olivia I think her name was." I nodded, and tried to blink back the tears, I'd missed so much.
"What about Cordy and everyone?" I asked.
"Since I got my reward, being human. We slowed the business down. I still have my strength but I don't have to go out and kill every evil, I just do it sometimes. Cordy's been doing a lot of stage plays and loves her work, I wouldn't be surprised if she appeared on the television soon enough. She and Wesley got married two years ago. They're very happy. I don't know if you met Gunn or Fred, short for Winifred? They got married as well. We moved the agency back to Sunnydale. I couldn't stay in LA, too many enemies. Sunnydale made me feel close to you in a way, stupid I know. I did look for you but I started the teaching, like you and that took off. It always calmed me."
"I'm glad for you Angel. I'm glad they'll all happy." He started to say something but stopped himself.
"How do you feel?" He asked.
"I'm glad I told you Angel, but at the same time I wish I hadn't, in a way, anyway. It would have been easier not too, but I'm glad I did."
"I'm glad you did too." He took my hand and squeezed it gently but I quickly withdrew it.
"What's the matter Buffy?"
"We can't just pretend nothing's happened you know." I told him, angry that he didn't seem to see this.
"Buffy, I still love you, I always have, I wanted to see if we could."
"Could what exactly? Live happily ever after? I don't think so, things like that don't happen and I can't do it again." I'd moved away from him where we were sitting, thinking that maybe a bit of distance would help.
"Buffy, I don't want to push you, what can't you do again?"
"I can't let myself love you and then get my heart ripped out again. I have no trust left you know, not just for you, I don't trust men period."
"I want you to be happy Buffy, I will leave it if you can tell me you are the happiest you ever could be here, alone with Ayanna." I looked down, how could I answer that?
After a minute Angel put his hand under my chin and lifted my face so that our gazes locked. I knew suddenly that I couldn't keep it up, keep pretending and my chin quivered as I tried not to cry. When he pulled me into his embrace though, I stopped pretending.
"It's not that I'm not happy Angel," I tried to tell him between sobs, "It's just I'm only happy because of her. She's the only one that makes it real, I do everything for her." He continued holding me until my sobs subsided and I felt so much better. He cradled my face and looked into my eyes,
"Do you love me Buffy?"
"Yes."
"Will you give us a chance? Will you come home?" He asked earnestly, almost pleading.
"I want to but."
"Buffy I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I love you and nothing can ever change that. You can trust me." I smiled through fresh tears in my eyes.
"What about?" I gestured toward Aya. And he smiled.
"Buffy, she's yours and I love you, I love her already just because of that, she's already my daughter.that is if you want me to be her father?" I nodded, smiling; I hadn't smiled so much since Aya was born. He leaned forward hesitantly, our faces moved slowly. He tentatively kissed me, trying to recapture what we had lost only to find something better. When we finally broke apart, my first reaction was,
"Wow," he said before I could, "The real thing far surpasses my dreams."
"Mine too." I told him as he pulled me into his arms and I leant into him.
Later when I woke up I found that Aya had crawled into my lap and was sleeping blissfully aware of the love that surrounded her. Angel was holding both of us and when I turned my head slightly, to look at him I found he was smiling in his sleep.
"Buffy?"
"I'm awake."
Those words have more meaning than any others right now. I am awake for the first time in years, wakened with Angel beside me. With our love that never died, but was maybe just misplaced. I know he loves me and Aya and I love him. I always have, it just seemed easier to imagine that I didn't because I didn't think I could ever have him. I was wrong though, I have him now and he knows me like no one else does. Angel always did understand me. I let him in to my heart again and now that I have, I know I can finally stop this masquerade.
The End.