Warning: This fic may occasionally get a little serious in same parts. Not drama or anything but not every part will be funny. Mainly because poor little Sevvie is not trying to be funny, he's a half-dementor trying to fit in with the rest of the full humans, and it doesn't work.
Disclaimer: I own everything. J.K. Rowling stole my ideas, I'm not sure how, but she did. Just because I didn't have the ideas before she published her stories doesn't mean she didn't steal them from me. Bad Rowling. Bad.
And despite what Rowling believes, Severus Snape is a half-dementor. She stole my idea, I told you that already, and might twist it to fit her own devious purposes but be sure, this fic is canon.
The Trouble with Love
by: Serenthia
Sean looked over at Severus, laying on the hard stone floor, staring at the ceiling, with a James Potter doll (homemade) clutched in his hand.
"Voodoo dolls don't work!" Severus snarled. "I stuck this thing full of pins during class and Potter didn't even flinch! He hates me! He's out to get me! Oh no!" Severus gasped, visibly trembling. "What if he breeds!"
Sean snorted and stuffed his fist into his mouth. Severus, though he was insane, was a blast to be around. 'Don't laugh around him', 'Don't laugh around him', Sean reminded himself. Laughing evilly was okay but Sean just felt like laughing and Severus couldn't handle that.
"Most men breed," Sean said in a choked voice.
Severus whimpered like a puppy. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"Why don't you just kill Potter?" Sean asked, with as shrug, as he forced himself to frown. "Make it look like an accident."
Severus's head came up, his eyes wide. "Murder! What are you? An animal? I would never kill another human!," he said with disgust. "I can't believe you even suggested that," he spat.
Sean felt a cold sweat break out. Didn't Severus know that his father murdered people?
"What if you found out that your father murdered people?"
Severus rolled his eyes. "My father would never do that. Dumbledore might. I bet he has a dungeon full of poor kids he force feeds lemon drops to and then kills them! He's evil."
Now it was Sean's turn to whimper. Well Sean wasn't about to tell the Dark Lord that his beloved son wouldn't kill people, best let the Dark Lord figure that out on his own. Sean just hoped he was on the other side of the planet when the Dark Lord found out.
"Well," a brilliant idea popped into his mind and Sean smirked evilly at his own brain power, he amazed himself sometimes. "Lily has a crush on you," for some strange reason. "And Potter has a crush on her. If you would date her than Potter would be miserable."
Severus raised an eyebrow, an evil grin trying to come on his face. "Truly?" he asked, getting up.
"Very truly."
"So, how do I got about turning Lily into a date?" Severus asked, rubbing his hands together. "We haven't covered human transfigurations yet in McGonagall's class. That old git is keeping us all behind. And then what do I do with her when she is a date? I'll have to change her back..."
"No!" Sean said, shaking his head. "You have to date her, you know, woo her, seduce her..."
Severus stepped back, clutching at his chest. "What?!!"
"Give her flowers, live ones, ones that are pretty and smell nice," Severus cringed, his eyes wide and fearful as Sean rambled on, "and give Lily perfume..."
"She stinks enough as it is!" Severus shrieked.
"And go places together, carry her books for her..."
"Why? Are her arms too weak to carry them?" Severus demanded. "I have enough books to carry without adding hers to my pile! I'm not her servant."
"Well," Sean said, tapping his lip. "Lily likes those stupid romance novels that are all about a woman conquering an evil acting man so maybe you don't have to be too nice to her," Sean scratched his head. "Just tell her you think she's hot, and um, attractive, and that um, I'm not sure. Maybe she'll chase you! That would be cool! I'll take pictures. Florence had better take some notes if Lily does chase you, I want to be chased!" Sean griped.
Severus wiped his hands on his robe. "To make Potter pay I'll risk taming this most dangerous creature that is Lily Evans," Severus shuddered, though he kept his back straight. "I don't blame her for liking me though," Severus sighed. "I am quite the catch."
Sean bit his lip, hard, and dug his fingers into his thigh, to keep from saying something sarcastic or snorting. Quite the catch for what? A slug.
"I'm sure there is a book in the library about insane teenage girls and their strange behavior and bizarre rituals that would be a valuable resource for me," Severus said.
Sean looked at him. "They're just girls, not wild animals."
"Speak for yourself," Severus said. "Girls are evil. Especially the giggling teenage ones. But to make Potter pay, I'll do this. Especially if it prevents him from breeding. The last thing I want is another Potter around," convulsions grasped Severus's body and he fell to the floor. "What if he does have children! What if he has several of them, two or three Potter's running around. I'll die!"
"I don't think you'll ever have to worry about seeing Potter's kids," Sean reassured him. "Potter would keep his distance from you, and he would especially make sure no son or daughter of his ever got near someone as insane... I mean interesting... as you."
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Remus, glaring at his rock, which was supposed to be an octopus, turned to see Sirius's perfectly formed octopus as it resided in his bowl and glared at it, and him. Sirius wasn't paying attention to it, though, his attention was on Severus. Severus was currently walking over to Lily's desk, and sat on it.
James looked horrified as Severus leaned back. "You're my girlfriend," he declared.
Lily's friends squealed, in horror or delight, Remus couldn't tell. Lily swooned as Severus got up and swept away.
James's eyes filled with tears and he turned to Sirius. "He stole my woman!"
"I'm not anyone's woman!" Lily said, flouncing her hair dramatically as she turned to glare at James.
"You are mine," Severus called over.
Lily blushed, giggled, and turned around, twittering to her friends.
Sirius hit his head with his hand. "Oh, no."
"Make me into a rebel," James hissed, "now!"
Sirius shook his head. "It won't work. Goodness is too far ingrained into you. We've been at it all weekend and nothing has worked."
James turned his back on Sirius and snarled something about incompetence. Remus blinked. Maybe James would get turned into a rebel soon. James had never snarled before.
With Sirius's attention diverted (and thankfully McGonagall had stepped out of the room for a few minutes, stupid thing to do with a class full of hormonal teenagers), Remus grabbed the octopus and shoved in into his own bowl, tossing the rock into Sirius's, plastering his best 'I'm a tragic werewolf' look on his face as Sirius glanced at him.
"I don't know what to do," Sirius shrugged. "Maybe this is good for James," he whispered.
"You could try to win her back for me," James suddenly said, twisting back around. "You're a rebel, it could work."
Sirius modestly shrugged. "Very true. But then she'll like me and not you."
James looked over at Severus and for the first time he frowned. "I don't care. Just get her away from him," he bit out.
Severus looked at them and grinned evilly at seeing James's frown.
"Oh, no," Remus realized. "He's dating her to get at you."
"Did you hear that!" James shouted at Lily, his voice raised in slight anger. "Severus is only dating you to get at me! He doesn't care about you at all!"
Lily turned her head to glare daggers at James. "Take it like a man! Sevvie-poo (Remus glanced at Severus and noticed he turned green at the affectionate nickname) loveys me! (Severus flinched)."
"I bet he does," Remus muttered. "Have to hand it to Severus though, he has an evil little mind."
Sirius patted James on the shoulder as James slumped and buried his face in his hands.
"What happened to my octopus?" Sirius asked.
Remus looked perplexed. "I think it turned back into a rock. You're not very good at transfigurations," Remus lied, shaking his head. "They keep turning back into what they were before."
Sirius shrugged. "Odd, they never do that when I'm alone."
"You must have a fear of transfiguring things in public. It's common," Remus said knowledgeably. "I read about it. Tragic."
Sirius shrugged and as McGonagall walked back into the room, Sirius changed his rock, without effort, into an octopus. Remus folded his arms in annoyance. Sirius could do that so easily! It wasn't fair.
As the class filed out of the room, after McGonagall had checked everyone's octopus rocks, Remus looked over at James and noticed he was glaring at Severus. Sirius grinned at seeing this and gave Remus a wink. Remus sighed. Now he was going to have to pull both Sirius and James off of Severus. Why did everything happen to him?
Peter sniffed behind him and Remus turned to him. "Oh, so sorry, didn't see you."
Peter rolled his eyes. "That's something new?" he asked, sarcastically. "I swear you three are always forgetting about me."
Remus felt bad, but then again, it was kind of annoying how Peter was always following them. There were plenty of other kids at Hogwarts that Peter could befriend.
"If he hurts Lily I'm going to beat him black and blue," James swore as Severus swept out of sight with Lily.
"He wants you to beat him black and blue," Remus reminded him. "Don't worry, I don't think Severus is going to be able to handle being Lily's boyfriend for very long."
James looked scandalized. "And why not?! Lily is perfection! Her skin, her eyes, her hair! All glorious! Severus would be a fool to dump her! No! I'll have to win her! Or have Sirius do it! Watch out, Snape!"
Remus sighed. Lily's good looks were the problem and so was her sweet temper. And all those kitten stickers she stuck everywhere, the pink paper she used, and romance novels she read? Severus was a goner.
James, continuing to seethe, clenched his fists and whirled around, sweeping off, much like Severus did.
Peter giggled. "Well, I guess his goodness is only so fair entrenched in him. Women! They always cause trouble."
Remus rolled his eyes. Severus was the only causing the trouble. That boy lived for it. He was sadistic, insane, and just plain creepy.
Remus smiled, though. A love triangle! This was going to be fun. Well, for as long as Severus could handle it. But if James hated Severus for it, something Severus seemed to desperately want, than maybe Severus would hang on being Lily's boyfriend just to spite him. Severus was insane enough to torture himself so others would be tortured. He was odd like that.