The Trouble with Love
by: Serenthia
Chapter 4: Love!
Remus, not caring how Lily actually walked, only caring about scaring Severus off, did his best "I'm a woman" walk. He swayed his hips, pursed his lips, and jauntily swung his purse (a furry pink thing with a smiley face on it) that contained the needed Polyjuice potion.
A few straggling students stared at him with horror. He reeked of perfume, having added three times the normal amount that Lily usually wore (and she wore quite a bit), and his face was dolled up to perfection (bright red lipstick, purple eye-shadow, and pink blush). His dress was perfect: a bright pink number with red hearts all over it. Remus clashed, horribly, but he didn't care. Severus was going to scream.
"Are you feeling okay?" McGonagall asked as Remus rounded a corner, her eyes nearly popping out of their sockets.
Remus put his hands on his hips and titled his head to the side, having seen Lily do this many times. "I'm going on a date with my boyfriend, Sevvie-poo!"
McGonagall choked and darted back into her office, slamming the door behind her. Laughter floated out from underneath the door.
"It must be hard being in charge of a bunch of teenagers," Remus said, shaking his head. "They are strange," he murmured, wiggling his butt to get the dress to fit a little better.
"I love you!" came a screech from behind Remus. James! Oh, no!
Remus spun around to see James running towards him. Lily was unconscious, under her bed, and couldn't save Remus. No, no, no! This wasn't happening.
"My darling," James gasped, falling to his knees in front of Remus and ripping open his robe. "I have chest hair! Does Sev.. Snape have that!"
Oh, Remus hoped Lily didn't know that. "I have a date," Remus said, forcing his voice to sound low and threatening.
Remus clutched at his heart. "Your voice! It makes my heart beat too fast! How could you date that... that THING over me!"
Remus tossed his head, liked how it felt, and continued tossing his hair as he spoke. "For your information. Severus is a wonderful human being who has all sorts of wonderful qualities that I admire, fawn over, and drool because of."
James shot to his feet, grabbed Remus's shoulder, and attempted to plant one on Remus's mouth. Remus let out a shriek.
"James Potter! Lily Evans!" McGonagall yelled, hurrying to them.
Remus ran to his Head of House, clutching at her, and hid behind her. "He tried to kiss me!" Remus yelled, jumping up and down in horror. "I'm going to be sick!"
McGonagall looked at him, her eyes wide. "You can handle Severus kissing you and not James?" she asked, not able to believe it.
Remus adopted the 'haughty' look Lily often had. "Severus is so manly and so gorgeous that I can barely stand it. But James is just.. well... look at him," Remus finished, unable to insult his best friend.
James's eyes were filling with a strange light that Remus didn't like.
"You will be mine!" James hollered, darting around McGonagall, and taking Remus into his arms (Remus had been too shocked to move), titling Remus over like they did in the novels. Luckily in James's desire to effect a romantic position, he lost his balance and they tumbled to the ground.
Remus extracted himself and ran for all he was worth.
"Come back, my love!" James yelled after him.
"Why me?" Remus heard McGonagall ask the air. "Why couldn't I have been Head of Slytherin instead? Those kids are normal."
Once he was in the dungeons, Remus slowed down and gasped for air. Good thing he hadn't worn any heels. Instead he was wearing Lily's cute bunny slippers. They were pink and very fluffy.
"I need the password," Remus told an evil looking boy that was busily glaring at the wall in front of him, his body slouched.
"What for," he asked lazily, sniffing the air distractedly. He turned to Remus, his eyes widening as he looked Remus up and down. "Lily Evans?"
Remus pursed his lips, a hand on his hip, and rolled his eyes. "Yeah. I'm here for my date with my darling Sevvie-wevvie. The most wonderfullest person in the entire universe."
"And everybody thinks we're weird," the boy muttered disgustedly. "The password is delicious fat worm."
"Delicious fat worm?" Remus asked, shocked.
The boy shrugged. "Your boyfriend makes them up. Our Head of House is terrified of Sev and lets him do it. Last week it was tasty fried cockroaches with their legs still on."
Remus felt his stomach to a flip.
He turned to the wall and opened his mouth to speak the password when the wall moved and Severus himself stepped out. He was wearing a nice black robe and had brushed his hair.
He trembled as he looked Remus up and down. Time to lay it on thick.
Remus squealed. "Sevvie!" he said, wrapping his arms around Severus and kissing him on the cheek, leaving his arms wrapped around Severus's body. "You're such a towering example of ultimate manhood!"
The evil boy snorted. "Gryffindors," he spat
Remus ignored the insult. "I'm just a wittle bitty girly! I hurt myself this morning. I have a boo-boo. Would you like to kiss it and make it all better."
"Get off me woman!" Severus hollered, shoving Remus away and taking a step back, waving his hand in front of his face, pounding his chest, his face twitching.
Remus dropped to his knees and hugged Severus's leg. "I'm sorry!" he wailed. "I didn't mean to upset my big, strong, handsome man!"
"Get up!" Severus shrieked.
"I'm not worthy to stand in your presence! I'll just stay here and grovel at my beloved's feet. I love you! My pink bunny slippers also love you! They wanted to say hello," Remus went on, wiggling his feet. "Hello to the big wonderful man that decided to be our owners boyfriend," Remus squealed in a high voice.
"I think Lily has lost it," said the evil boy.
"She never had anything to lose!" Severus yelled, moving away, but Remus kept his arms wrapped around Severus's leg and felt himself sliding along the floor. "She stinks more than normal today. I think that stuff she puts on herself is poison and it finally melted what little of a brain she had."
"Good-bye to my beloved's house-mate! I'll save you a seat at our wedding! Pink hearts, purple kittens, and lots and lots of giggling little girls!" Remus said, waving at the evil boy with his pink bunny slippers since his hands were tied up.
Severus's body trembled as he started going up the stairs. Remus held on.
"This is our one week anniversary," Remus decided. "I don't care if we haven't been going out a week or not, you'll just have to get used to me declaring random things like that and like it!" Remus said, feeling his butt tingle from the stairs. "Drag me into the empty classroom over there," Remus said. "I set it up to be our den of love."
Remus was positive he heard Severus whimper and Remus just hoped Filch kept the floors swept. The last thing he needed was for his backside to have picked up all the dirt he slid over.
Once inside, Remus let go and slowly got to his feet, swinging his hips and wiggling his backside for effect. Severus was too busy staring at the decorations in mute horror to notice.
The whole room was pink and purple with cute kitten stickers everywhere. Streamers, balloons, and cutout paper hearts littered the air, ground, table, and chairs.
"Sit!" Remus commanded as he pulled a chair out for Severus.
Severus weakly sat in the chair, his body beginning to shake. "We aren't going to the ballet," Severus growled.
Remus shrugged. "I'll bring the ballet to us!"
And Remus started to twirl, dance, and do ballet type stuff as he put the food from the serving table onto the table, one at a time.
"Shrimp," Remus said, looking at Severus's face. No disgust so the shrimp was put back.
"Lobster," no disgust. "Hamburger," no disgust. "Cake," complete look of disgust.
The cake was put on the table. Remus sat next to it, dangling his bunny slipper provocatively.
"I'm going to feed this cake to you in a sultry manner," Remus declared, not bothering to use a utensil and grabbing a chunk of it with his bare hand.
Severus turned green as Remus brought the cake closer and closer to his mouth. Severus clamped his mouth shut, folded his arms, and glared at Remus.
Remus pursed his lips and bent forward. Severus immediately put both hands over his mouth and backed away.
Slowly, and with relish, Remus started to eat the cake himself. Severus watched, his body spasming, at the display.
"Arghh!" Severus spat. "There should be laws against such public display of grossness! Would you do that in front of your child!"
Remus licked his lips, wiggling a finger at Severus. "All our children will eat cake everyday for every meal with their bare hands."
"You would feed them lemon drops, too, wouldn't you?" Severus demanded.
Lemon drops? Severus hated lemon drops? Hadn't he heard Dumbledore mutter something about Severus and lemon drops once?
"But of course," Remus agreed.
Severus shook his head. "NO! No child of mine is ever eating a lemon drop! It almost killed me and I'm sure my children will be much more sensitive than me. I've seen too many horrors already," Severus said, shaking his head. "My children will be sheltered!"
Remus blinked and then went on with his plan.
"You can't stop me from letting them eat cake or lemon drops," Remus said, grabbing another handful of cake and shoving it into Severus's mouth before he had time to do anything.
Severus fell over, spluttering, gagging, and flailing his arms around.
Remus was about to do something else when the door burst open and James, Sirius, and Peter came barging in.
"No!" Remus yelled.
James, seeing the cake on Remus's hand, the cake in Severus's mouth, thought the worst.
"How dare you feed each other! She's mine!" and James flew at Severus in a rage.
Severus spit the uneaten cake out and collided with James, fists flying.
Remus wanted to cry. All that work for nothing! Well, he was wearing Severus down and Remus, if he had to, would do this again. Or... could he just send Severus threatening notes. Dump Lily or I'll make you eat a cake. That type thing. Or something else. Remus was going to have to think.
Peter ignored Sirius as Sirius jumped into the fray, yelling triumphantly, and went to eat the cake.
"You should date me," Peter said with a shrug. "I'm normal."
"Ha! I don't like normal men," Remus declared.
Peter looked at him morosely. "Yes, that's apparent."
Remus sniffed, turning to the fight. Severus was winning, easily. James just didn't have enough practice with fighting to be any good and Sirius was distracted by trying not to hit James.
A hand on Remus's shoulder made him whirl around. Peter was smiling at him, his eyebrows waggling.
"I could make you forget about James and Snape," Peter said, trying to make his voice sound suave.
"Forget it, you rat," Remus growled, shrugging his hand off.
Peter glared at him, stuffing cake into his mouth. "Rat, eh? You...." whatever else he said was lost as he stuffed more and more cake into his mouth. "This is really good," he said, nodding in approval around a small mouthful.
Remus sighed dramatically.
Severus easily extracted himself from the carnage; James was whimpering and holding his arm, Sirius was calling Severus all sorts of colorful names as he held his ribs and stayed on the ground.
"Dating you is worth it," Severus said, with a nod, as he swept out of the room.
Remus wasn't about to give up yet. He ran after Severus, making little noise, and jumped on Severus's back, holding on.
"Sevvie-wevvie! My ickle wittle Sevvie-poo was so strong and brave in there. You wesued me from the big, bad, evil men," Remus cooed. "Oh, you are so wonderful."
And Remus planted a wet one on Severus's slimy, greasy, oily, sallow cheek.
Severus held firm. "James hates my guts. I have two people to fight me now," and he whirled around, making Remus drop to his feet, and planted a kiss directly on Remus's mouth (thank goodness Remus's body was really Lily's). "Thank you!"
Remus sank to the floor, whimpering, spitting into his hands and wiping his mouth. Severus swept down into the dungeons.
"I'm never doing this again!" Remus swore to himself. He would have rather kissed James than Severus! Peter would have been a better choice!
Remus decided he was emotionally damaged and would never get over it. And now, thanks to his three idiot friends, Severus thought dating Lily was a good idea.
Another evil plan was forming in Remus's emotionally damaged brain. He could give Lily dating advice, then pretend to be James, and inform Severus that he, James, was going to be the bigger man and let Severus have Lily with his blessing, smiling the entire time and offering him sweets, candy, and cake to show his goodwill.
Remus hurried back to Gryffindor tower, pulled Lily out from underneath her bed, waited until his body had gone back to normal and then changed into normal boy clothes, cleaning his face.
Lily woke up, groggy.
"What happened?" Lily asked.
Remus shook his head. "You went on your date with Severus and he kissed you on the lips! You were so overpowered by his raw manliness that you fainted dead away. I brought you here to recover."
Lily got to her feet, her eyes wide with pleasure. "Oh! It was so rough and unbridled that my poor female mind had to block it out of remembrance! That happened to one of my heroines! Oh, Sevvie is such a dream-boat," Lily sighed and fell back on her bed in rapture.
Remus, remembering that kiss, wished his poor male mind would be kind enough to block it out of his remembrance. His stomach was churning.
"Severus confided in me earlier that he wished you would be more public in your displays of affection: kiss in class, hold his hands, give him cologne, sit with him in all the classes you have together, sit with him during breakfast, lunch, and supper. Whisper in his ear sweet nothings, write him poems, sing to him, give him candy, sweets, flowers, and all other wonderful nice things. Make sure anything you give him is nice and feminine. Severus likes a girl who is a girly-girl. It makes him feel like a man," Remus said. "Oh, one more thing. If Severus causes you any trouble, tell him that you are going to date James."
Lily shook her head, her face disgust. "I don't want to date James. He's so perfect!"
"But Severus will be so jealous that he will give you what you want. It's a love triangle, with you in the middle. Use it to your advantage."
Lily nodded her head, duly taking notes in her brain. "Yes. I will do all that tomorrow. Severus is so wonderful!"
Remus nodded his head and left Lily to her strangeness. He was going to have to give James Polyjuice potion to look like him, Remus, knock James out, put him in bed with a note not to bother him since 'that time of the month' was affecting him, despite it being two weeks away and Remus was going to have to take the Polyjuice to pretend to be James tomorrow.
The Marauders were lucky to have such a great person as himself as a member. What he did for his friends brought a tear to his eye.