Author's Note: I'm very sorry the updates are so long between chapters but I have to be in a certain mood and those moods just aren't coming all that frequently any more. Real life is not fun.
The Trouble with Love
by: Serenthia
Chapter 5: Poor Severus
Remus, his evil plan having been in effect for most of the day, watched Lily snuggling up to Severus while they ate lunch at the Slytherin table. Severus glanced over at Remus, thinking he was James because of the Polyjuice Potion, and tried to smile smugly, though he was uncertain.
Remus smiled widely at him and waved. Severus, having received nothing but smiles from Remus (James to Severus's mind) all day, was nearing the end of his rope. It was only a matter of time before he collapsed from the strain of being Lily's boyfriend.
"I thought you wanted Lily," Sirius questioned Remus in exasperation.
Remus shrugged. "I could never win Lily away from such a handsome man!" Remus said, quite loudly.
Sirius looked at him oddly, Peter glared at Lily (muttering about rats and cake), and Remus smiled serenely.
The rest of the day went quite smoothly, for Remus that was, and by supper time, Remus walked up to Lily and Severus.
"I congratulate you," Remus said, nodding his head. "You are a wonderful boyfriend for Lily. She obviously loves you very much."
Severus blanched when Lily giggled.
"Don't you hate me?" Severus demanded.
"Hate you?" Remus said, shaking his head. "I could never hate you. I even brought you a present," Remus said, slipping his backpack off and taking out a box of assorted candy. "Eat all of these Severus as a sign of the good faith between us."
Severus glared at Lily and then Remus. "I don't like candy."
Lily rolled her eyes, amused. "Oh, Sevvie! Eat the yummy candy. For me? If you don't, I'll date James."
Severus ripped the box open, stuffed a handful in his mouth and crunched on them, letting most of the pieces fall back out of his mouth onto his chin and robe.
Lily looked slightly startled at the display.
Severus then looked between the two of them. "Lily is still mine!"
Remus shrugged. "Take her. I don't want her anymore."
All the candy spilled back out of Severus's mouth. Even Lily couldn't find a way to declare that was a manly thing to do as she stepped away, her nose crinkled.
"What?!" Severus shrieked.
"Take her," Remus said. "She loves you so very much and wants to spend the rest of her life with you. And eat cake."
Severus shook his head, raising a finger to point at James. "No, no, NO!. You have to want Lily. YOU HAVE TO."
Remus shrugged. "I can't compete with such a virile specimen of man that you are. I'm too inadequate. You deserve Lily. Embrace the truth, my friend."
"I'm not your friend!" Severus screamed, red spit (from the candy) flying from his mouth.
Severus looked at Lily and whimpered and then back at Remus. Remus smiled for all he was worth. Lily smiled at Severus, waggling her eyebrows.
Remus tried to ignore the attention they were getting. Dumbledore himself had moved over to talk with them.
But it worked. Severus fell to his knees, clutching his hair and pulling. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU BOTH! THIS ISN'T FAIR! THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME. BOTH OF THEM!"
"I love you Severus," Lily tried.
Severus got to his feet, his body wobbling. "You," he said, clearly unable to think straight anymore. "YOU EVIL WITCH! You smelly, ugly, disgusting creature!"
Lily burst into tears and Severus smirked, trying to enjoy it. Remus jumped in front of Lily and grinned.
"I love you! Let's buck tradition and date each other! Let's kiss and eat lots of candy while in a hot tub together!" Remus said, nodding his head and continuing to grin.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Severus screamed as Remus lurched at him, trying to kiss his mouth.
Severus got away and ran, Remus closely following.
"But Sevvie-poo, we can't fight our feelings! Embrace them! I want you! I've always wanted you!"
Severus ran around the Great Hall, other students, unable to believe what they were seeing, had blocked the way out. Teachers were trying to restore order and capture Severus and Remus but they were both too wily.
"Help!" Severus yelled, getting on a table.
Remus jumped up, the Hufflepuff's (the table they were on) had mostly given up eating already but the few of them who had food still in their mouths, let it fall down to their robes, their mouths frozen in shock.
Remus picked up some dessert and tackled Severus, straddling his chest and forcing the confection into his mouth.
"As my boyfriend you'll have to get used to sweets!" Remus said.
Severus quit moving and Remus looked at Lily. "Or I could date you?"
Lily wiped her face.
"You're so beautiful," Remus told her.
Lily nodded her head, sniffing. "I don't like bad men anymore. I want you to James. You're perfect! Dating rouge men isn't what my books said it would be."
Peter rolled his eyes.
Remus went over to Lily and kissed her. She smiled up at him.
"NO!" Severus screeched, getting to his feet. "NO! My plans are ruined! Now you're going to breed! And you're both happy!"
Remus put an arm around Lily. "Very happy. I'm never going to stop smiling."
And they both turned to him, smiling.
Severus put his hands to his head, sunk to his knees, and his face turned purple. "I want my father! Someone had better call my father! Or you all will suffer! I want my father! I WANT MY FATHER! I WANT MY FATHER!"
Over half the Slytherin table, and the Slytherin Head of House, ran out the door, muttering about owls and destruction.
McGonagall and the rest of the teachers tried to shoo everyone out of the Great Hall but no one would move. The sight of Severus having a nervous breakdown was too good to miss. Severus fell onto the table, slimed his hair and face with stew, and starting rolling around, muttering about his father.
Dumbledore, alone, approached the table. The Hufflepuffs had dived out of their seats already and were standing next to a wall.
"Severus?" Dumbledore said gently, taking out a lemon drop.
Severus saw the yellow round object and let out a shriek, standing up, and pointing his wand at Dumbledore.
"One step closer, old man and I'll... I'll... turn you into a marshmallow!" Severus threatened, his body shaking like a leaf. "You evil, evil, evil man! I HATE YOU! I HATE POTTER! I HATE EVANS! I WANT MY DADDY!"
Remus hugged Lily closer to him and moved out of the way, deciding that now wasn't the time to smile at Severus anymore.
Dumbledore motioned for everyone to leave. "Leave now!" he hollered, power radiating from his frame.
"Rats," Remus muttered, wanting to stay.
Peter sniffed. "Thanks for the insult."
They all left the Great Hall, some quickly, some only because Dumbledore was waving his wand at them.
"Good going," Sirius muttered in his ear, approving, "Remus."
Remus shrugged and grinned as they all went to the Gryffindor Tower. Excusing themselves, Remus and Sirius woke James up once the Polyjuice potion had worn off, told him what had happened and how having Lily finally declare her love for him had made James lose his memory of the event because of the shock, and brought him downstairs.
James and Lily snuggled on the couch, both giggling over her crush on Severus while Remus and Sirius drank butterbeer to a plan well executed. The fire in the fireplace was burning all of Lily's romance novels.
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Things weren't going so well for Dumbledore. Severus, in need of professional help Dumbledore had decided, was eating an entire stick of butter at the present and whining about not having any juicy worms to go along with it.
Dumbledore would have gotten closer but Severus's wand was still trained on Dumbledore, the boy's eyes were wide and glossed over, and his body was still shaking. Dumbledore wanted to disarm Severus but wasn't sure if doing a spell to someone in this condition was a good idea.
"Potter, Potter, Potter," Severus chanted after the butter was gone. "Evans, Evans, Evans."
The door opened, an old man and McGonagall slipped in. The old man glared at Dumbledore, his face contorted in hate.
"I hate you," the old man declared and then turned to Severus. "What did you do to my son?" he demanded.
"Nothing," McGonagall said softly.
The old man snorted. "Like I can take your word for it, Minerva. Especially since I'm sure you and Dummy-head are having an affair."
McGonagall went pink with outrage, Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. So this explained Severus's hatred toward Dumbledore. Severus's father had poisoned his mind.
"Son?" the man said softly. "Severus?"
Severus glanced at him and burst into tears. "Father! Potter and Evans are going to date and marry and then breed! They are happy! I hate them! They hate me so much and I never did anything to them."
"It's all right," the old man assured his son as Severus flung his arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder.
"What kind of Headmaster are you?" the old man demanded in disgust while he stroked Severus's hair and rubbed his back. "You should watch out for the more sensitive students."
"Sensitive?" McGonagall asked, her face still pink with anger.
"Very," the man spat.
"Your son needs help," Dumbledore told him softly.
The man rolled his eyes. "Of course he does. His parents were killed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Did you see that! I didn't name the man and neither should you! He's evil and you should fear saying his name!" he man shrieked.
Dumbledore nodded his head sagely. So this was where Severus got his unbalance from.
"Anyway," the old man continued. "Severus hit his head as child and has been deranged ever since. I guess I should have warned you but... it slipped my mind."
"Let me help you with Severus," McGonagall offered, stepping closer.
"I'll take care of my son, myself!" the old man said, spitting at Dumbledore's feet, and dragging Severus off the table and carefully pulling him towards the doors that lead to the Slytherin dungeon, growling and spitting at Dumbledore as he left.
Dumbledore and McGonagall watched him go and then turned to each other.
"I don't think Severus is the only one in that family who hit his head," McGonagall said. "But it does explain some things. Poor Severus! To be raised by someone like that! No wonder why he's insane!"
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Many of the Slytherin students knew who the old man was and respectively got out of the way, the ones that didn't were dragged out of the way by those who knew. Voldemort was pleased. Though he wasn't pleased with the state Severus was in. The boy was slobbering on Voldemort's robes and twitching. The perfects cleared out of the perfect bathroom and Voldemort locked it with a spell too strong for even Dumbledore to break.
Charming the water to an icy temperature, Voldemort threw Severus in and put him under the Cruciatus Curse. Severus turned to jelly, his body relaxing, as Voldemort used a spell to drag Severus to him and put a hand on his son's shoulder to keep him from drowning.
"What happened?" Voldemort asked. "Your Head of House used his portkey to inform me that you were going crazy."
Severus told him the entire story.
"Never date a Gryffindor," Voldemort admonished him. "And certainly not a mudblood."
"I like mud," Severus defended himself. "And blood is yummy."
"Severus," Voldemort warned, having gone over that topic many times.
"Well, how come half-bloods get a cool name and I'm stuck with 'pure blood'," he mocked. "Pure blood. Stupid name! Mudblood is cool. I want mudblood. Change it!" he shrieked at Voldemort.
Voldemort slapped him. Severus grinned and then sniffed. "I can't make Potter miserable. It's not fair."
"Expel them," Voldemort decided. "Find a way to expel them. They'll be hated and shunned for the rest of their lives."
Severus nodded his head, looking evilly excited. "Of course! Why didn't I think of that!"
"Because you are just a child and I'm the master of evil plans," Voldemort declared, patting Severus on the head.
"Father, James and Lily might breed. What happens when people breed?" Severus asked curiously.
Voldemort had no idea. A person that was intent on taking over the world had more important things to worry about then wondering how people might breed. But he couldn't tell Severus that. Severus thought Voldemort was his father and Voldemort wasn't about to give up that lie. And, as his father, Voldemort would have had to breed with a woman.
"A man and woman both sit on a purple blanket during the full moon and eat the same peach. The woman then has to bathe naked under the the new moon and that gets her pregnant."
"Oh!" Severus said, nodding his head. "Makes sense."
Good thing Hogwarts didn't have a class on the subject, Voldemort decided. "Remember to expel those Gryffindors," Voldemort reminded his son.