Ashes of Truth
By Anisky
Disclaimer: Lucy and anyone else who you recognize does not belong to
me.
Chapter 3: Realizations
I told Cassie what I thought, about her hair being fire. She laughed, and said that maybe that was
true, but fire was wild and destructive.
She said my hair was like the Earth, which is loving and stable and
giving, which is better than beautiful but untamed and devastating any
day.
She said that she thought I'd hit on something, though. Maybe hair really was more than something
that grew out of our heads; maybe it was a hint of who we were inside. I told her that I didn't think she was
destructive, and she just smiled sadly and said something like "You'll learn."
I think that was it.
I think that Ruthie is starting to suspect something's going on. That girl really is too smart for her own
good. I don't know what she's figured
out so far, but I'd better be careful with everything I say. She may be my younger sister but she really
scares me sometimes.
***
It was an awful thing to say, but it was also true. Lucy looked up as she saw Mary walking into
the room. "Hey, kid," the older girl
winked.
"Who are you calling 'kid'?" Lucy answered with a smile, closing the diary
while Mary was in the room.
"You," said Mary with a laugh. Lucy
just sat there, waiting for Mary to leave.
The older girl just grabbed a coat and told her younger sister, "I'm going
out for a while. Be back later."
"Later."
***
I know that I should be keeping all of this a secret, but I had to break up
with Kevin. Honestly, I didn't like him
much in the first place, but I always felt like I should like guys so I always went
after anyone who was attractive. Maybe
that would mean that I really did like him, them, if I at least knew what was
attractive. He got really angry, but
what else is new? He's gone now, and I hope I don't have to see him again. I'm not through with pretending, but I'd
better find a better lie than he was.
Or at least, a less bothersome lie.
Things are so strange. I never thought that I'd be here, still at
home at 20 years old, taking classes at a community college. Where did all my plans go? And Mary—at least
she doesn't technically live here, but maybe when she moves out she could
maybe, oh, I don't know, move out? What is it about us Camden
children that makes us cling to home like cling to home like baby birds who are
ready to fly but just won't admit it?
***
It was something that had been bothering Lucy for a long time and she was
glad to get it down on paper. She
tapped her pencil against the table, considering what else to write. She knew she had a lot she wanted to get
out, but it was hard to organize her thoughts nowadays.
***
Cassie can't believe that I still have to work so hard and worry about
keeping this a secret. "You're an adult,"
she tells me, running a hand through her hair in exasperation. I admire the way it cascades down her
shoulders, but I hang my head as if I'm a young child. She's right: even with her, I can never
really admit that I'm ready to take care of myself. I should tell her that, that she's right, but what can she
do?
No, that's not right. She could do
something. She's so amazing, she'd find
something.
***
A tear ran down Lucy's cheek.
"Finally," she whispered, reading her entry. "I'm being honest with myself.
About time."
***
My parents don't like Cassie. They
think that she's some new-age flake.
She seems a little distant sometimes, but she's no flake. She's more down-to-earth than I am. When Cassie said that magic was everywhere,
my parents gave nervous glances towards each other. I felt like screaming,
she's talking about love! But how could
I do that? My parents would know something.
I really need to grow up.
***
"Well," she said, looking at the last line for a long time. "It's finally out." She began to crumple up the paper, then
paused, and opened it again, smoothing it out.
"I think I need to keep this one," she decided, brushing it off as if she was
taking it out of a long storage. "I
need it to remind myself."
Lucy tore out the paper and folded it carefully, until it was very small. She put her diary in the desk drawer and
walked around the room, slowly, searching for a place that she knew nobody
would find it. All the places she could
think of were the obvious ones, though.
Her sisters weren't young or immature enough to search through each
other's diaries; it was doubtful that anybody would be looking under the
mattress of the bed. Still, Lucy did
not want to be eaten up with worry that someone would find the scandalous
confession.
After walking around the perimeter of the room several times, Lucy sat down on
her bed, considering. She looked down
at the folded piece of paper for a long while.
It was so small, so unassuming, but she knew that kept within it were
thoughts that were not only intimate, but were concealed from herself, and
everyone else, for years. The only
person she could be truly honest with at this point was Cassie.
Lucy smiled, putting the journal entry into her pocket. "Of course!" she breathed, not believing she
hadn't realized before. "I need to give
it to Cassie."
That decided, Lucy walked out of the bedroom door, going downstairs for a
snack. She had a lot of thinking to do
about her life.
A/N: An answer to some reviewers.
" ": Since when is Simon gay? Unless I reaaaaaaaally missed something,
that's not canon.
Velvet: Different sorts of
stories require different length chapters.
I don't think that Lucy would write any more in one sitting at her diary
than I wrote here; so either I would draw out what she does, which would take away
from the story, or put multiple entries in each chapter, which I also think
would take away. This is not a
sequential story; it is not supposed to tell a series of events from beginning
to end; it is the fragmented confessions of a confused girl. As such, I don't see any need to have chapters
as long as I would in most fics.
Hoedogg:
Good idea; If you have any suggestions on how to do that, I'd love to hear
them! My email address is in my profile.