Ashes of Truth
By Anisky
Disclaimer: Lucy and anyone else who you recognize does not belong to
me.
Chapter 5: Lady and
the Wench
Journal, you are never going to guess where I am right now. It's just so
strange, I never even knew there was a school to learn Irish Dancing anywhere near
Glen Oak.
Well I guess I just gave it away. Yes,
here I am, on a couch in a studio, watching Cassie jig around the room with 4
other girls and one guy. She's really
good, actually, they all are, I think this is some kind of advanced class. I like watching her dance. You can see her fiery… well… being, I
guess, come out when she dances. It's
like you can really see who she really is somehow in the way she moves.
So is it any wonder that I really like watching her dance?
***
Lucy looked up, waving to Cassie who, unfortunately, could not wave back in the
middle of her routine. She was already
smiling while she danced, smiled extra-widely to Lucy, however. The latter
smiled, and turned back to her journal.
***
She looks so happy, so free. I doubt
I ever look like that—I never feel like that.
I always try to be like somebody, though, and I don't think Cassie would
approve of me trying to emulate her.
She'd much rather I tried to find my own identity, I know, and somehow I
really don't want to disappoint her.
Are she and I girlfriends? I don't know.
I mean, we've kissed and both of us liked it. I think I may honestly love her.
But there are so many things I don't know about her, and I think she
probably won't want to over-analyze our relationship. I could be wrong, but she'll probably be like, 'let's just see
how things work out and not worry about it.'
She's big on no-stress and not worrying. There's probably a story behind that, but I don't want to pry.
Oh, her hair just fell out of her bun as she danced! It's flowing all over the
place and it really is so beautiful. I
want to run my hands through her hair and…
My G*d, listen to me. I've never been
like this before.
I'm also wondering… I just didn't write G*d out in case this is thrown out, at
least that's what I've been taught to do.
But I can't help but question my beliefs. All I've thought my whole life about love is wrong… I can't just
leave things the way they are in my mind.
But…
***
Lucy closed the diary as Cassie came over to her. "Is the class over?" she asked.
Cassie was sweating and panting. Lucy
didn't think she'd ever seen anyone so beautiful. "Yes," said Cassie, pulling on a pair of jeans and shoes over her
unitard. She peered over to Lucy's
book. "Are you finished with your
entry?"
Lucy shrugged as she stood up, unzipping her purse and putting in the
diary. "I don't know. What I just wrote
sparked some questions in my mind."
"We can talk about it in the car, if you want," Cassie suggested as she grabbed
her own purse. She took a long swig of
water and wiped the sweat off her face before she pushed open the door and
stood back to let Lucy through. "Ladies
first," she said with a grin.
"You're a lady, too," Lucy pointed out, but stepped through the door just the
same.
"Nuh-uh." Cassie shook her head as she closed the door and walked over to the
car. "I'm a wench. Wenches have more fun."
Lucy recognized the term from the Shakespeare she'd read, and looked over at
Cassie with an amused look. "Really?"
"Yep." Cassie nodded as she opened the car doors and got into the driver's seat. "I am indeed."
"Can a wench court a lady?" asked Lucy, her eyes twinkling.
"Obviously she can," said Cassie as she leaned in to kiss Lucy softly on the
lips. She pulled back after a moment
and turned on the car, and Lucy took her diary out of her bag. She opened it to the page she'd been on and
continued writing.
***
But… I guess I'm just afraid; it's too hard to reevaluate everything I
believe. Who knows where I'd be
then? When I was 13 I was told that
religion was a life decision, but I don't think that's true. You can change any time you want, but you
need courage, and you need a lot of it, and I really don't know if I have
it. Even if I'm not changing my
religion, it's still changing what you believe.
I think I have changed, but I'm pleased with the changes. Even in every-day speech, I'm better at
carrying a conversation. It's kind of
sad that I couldn't even carry on an interesting conversation before, but it's
true. I know I'm not getting smarter,
but I think from reading all those classics maybe I have a better bank of …
classical references? Something like that, anyway. When I was talking to Cassie just now about a wench courting a
lady, I never would have been able to say something like that before. Is it still trying to be like somebody else
if what that 'somebody else' does is be completely unique?
***
Lucy looked out the window of the car, biting the end of her pen as the scenery
flew by.
"Care to share?" Cassie asked. Lucy
looked over at her and smiled.
"With you? Anytime." She paused and
looked over her entry, smoothing it out.
It was this strange impulse she always had; almost as if it were
polishing her thoughts to run her hand over the words. She glanced over to Cassie then, who had her
eyes on the road, and took a deep breath.
"I'm really unsure of my beliefs.
You know, being a preacher's daughter and all, it was just always
assumed that I'd believe whatever my father's church did. And… I mean, they weren't hate mongers or
anything like that, but something like… like this," Lucy gestured to Cassie and
herself, "was not a 'good' thing."
Cassie nodded, keeping her eyes on the road.
She didn't say anything, just waited for Lucy to continue.
"I don't even know what 'this' is, really.
Are we dating? Are we girlfriends, or just friends who… a friend who I…"
Lucy took a deep breath and changed her topic.
"I just, I don't think I can continue believing what I've taken for
Truth my whole life. But I also don't know if I can stop believing in them,
either."
Cassie nodded again, looking over at the girl next to her for a moment before
turning her eyes back to the road. "A
friend who you what?" she asked softly.
"Nothing," said Lucy. "Forget it, OK?"
Cassie nodded. "OK."
Lucy turned back to her diary.
***
Why do I feel this way? I'm sure that in one of my diary entries that
I gave to her, I've said that I think I love her. So why… why can't I say it out loud?