Ashes of Truth
By Anisky

Disclaimer: Lucy and anyone else who you recognize does not belong to me.

A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this out.  I was on vacation without a computer.  But here it is now!!

Chapter 8:  A Gift



 
Well Journal, I'm in Cassie's house.  I'm up in her room right now, with her, and I'll describe what happened in a moment, but first…

She said yes!!!! She said that she thought it was a great idea.  She didn't respond to the part where I said I loved her… that was kinda strange I guess… but she still said yes! Now that it's happened I don't even know why I was stressing so badly.  Oh well.

Anyway,  I've been talking to her parents for about an hour.  They're really nice but nothing like my parents.  At all.

When I first walked in I could tell it would be nothing like my house.  For one thing there was incense burning in the corner.  It smelled really nice; I liked it.  There was also a Buddha statue in the living room and the bookshelf looked kind of like that one shelf my dad reserved for books about other faiths—except this was an entire bookshelf.  It had books by the Dalai Lama and the Book of Tao and Bibles and a Koran and books about Hinduism and things by some woman named Margot Adler and a several books by someone named Thomas Merton and even more books like that.

Her parents hugged me and told me that they were glad that Cassie had met me and all those other things that I wish my parents would say to me but I know all too well they wouldn't.  They were thrilled that she and I were going to get a place together, though they told Cassie how much they'd miss her and for both of us to visit as much as possible.

It seemed like they instantly accepted me, whether because Cassie liked me or for some other reason I don't know.  That always scares me, when someone likes me right away, because what if I let them down later?  But I didn't feel that way with Cassie's parents.  I like them. 

But now we're up in Cassie's room.  It's … interesting.  There's a Buddha in here, and statues of some Hindu god, and there's also an altar in the corner with candles and stuff.  Oh, and the walls!! The one wall is black with stars, the two are lighter, as is the ceiling, and the one wall is just this explosion of color!! Her entire room is a sunrise or a sunset—I haven't decided which. 

It matches her hair.


***

"Lucy!"  Cassie laughed and Lucy looked up. 

"Yes?" she asked, closing her journal and laying it on the bed.

"I was just wondering if you were going to spend all your time writing in the journal," Cassie smiled and sat on Lucy's lap, facing her, and leaned in for a kiss. 

Lucy was startled, but pleasantly so, and returned the kiss enthusiastically. 

When Cassie pulled back, she stood up and looked over at Lucy with a strange, thoughtful look on her face.  "Lucy, what are you going to tell your parents? About us getting a place together?"

Lucy sighed and fell face-first onto Cassie's very soft bed.  The pillow muffled her words.  "I don't know, that you'll be my room mate I guess, so that we share the bills."

Cassie nodded and sat next to Lucy's head.  She stroked the girl's brown hair and sighed. 


***

I wish I could tell my parents, I really do.  I know that Cassie understands, in her mind, why I can't.  But in her heart… she's never had parents like mine, she told me herself she's never had to hide things like this.  Even if intellectually she understands why I can't tell my parents, I worry that subconsciously she believes it's because she's ashamed. 

Imagine.  Me.  Thinking these kinds of thoughts about psychology. 

If I hadn't met Cassie, I would have been an awful minister. 

I question whether that's still my path, now. I don't even know what I believe at this point.  It's not a bad sort of not-knowing, I don't feel any urgency that I should know.  I just don't, well,  know about being a minister anymore.

Cassie's meditating.  She does that sometimes.  I told her about the time when I was thirteen and I studied Buddhism, about how I hated to meditate.  She laughed and told me maybe she'd teach me again sometimes.  She said that she thinks that I could really get a lot out of meditating if I went at it the right way.  I don't know about that. 

Does she love me?

We're going to live together and I still don't know. 

I asked her what religion she was, and she just laughed.  "I'm not going to bind myself to any specific rules of what I should believe by labeling myself," she said.  Or something like that, it probably wasn't in those words.  She pretty much said that she doesn't belong to any religion but she takes bits of pieces from all of them.  Being eclectic, she calls it.  She says that way, she can always evolve what she believes, and it's not breaking any rules. 

Evolving what you believe.  What a novel concept. 

I'd better put down my diary now.  I've just been writing this entire time.  I should stop for now.


***

Lucy put her journal down on the bed and just watched Cassie.  She looked so peaceful sitting there, with her eyes closed.  Lucy watched her for a moment, and then she sighed.

Cassie opened her eyes. "Is something wrong?"

Lucy shrugged, playing idly with her pencil.  "It's nothing."

"Come on, Lucy," Cassie got up from the floor and sat next to Lucy on the bed, "you can tell me."

Lucy scrunched her face and looked at her pencil as she blurted her question. "Are we dating?"

Cassie blinked and took one of Lucy's hands in hers.  "Of course we are, Lucy.  I thought you knew that.  I'm sorry if it's been confusing you…I should have been more clear."

Lucy still looked troubled.  "Cassie, when I told you in the car that I love you…I meant it. I don't know if I should have said it though, especially since you didn't respond…was it wrong of me?"

The redheaded girl swallowed, then abruptly stood up and strode across the room.  Lucy stood to follow her, pausing in confusion.  To her relief, Cassie picked up a book and came back over to her girlfriend. 

"I didn't really want you to know about this," Cassie told her, handing her the book.  "But if we're going to live together, you need to know.  Read this…gods it scares me to give this to you, but I have to.  Read this and then decide if you love me."

"I love you, Cass—"

"No," the girl cut Lucy off.  "Read this first, OK? But not right now.  Just keep it with you and read it when you're alone. It's the last few entries in the book that explain it…"

The brown-haired girl nodded and tucked the small book into her bag, instinctively knowing that it was better not to discuss whatever it was that was bothering her girlfriend.  She sat back down on the bed and wrapped her arms around Cassie.  The two girls fell backwards onto the bed, and Lucy giggled, as they lied there, cuddling in bed, and she knew that whatever the book said, she would still love Cassie.

After all, how bad could it be?