Chapter 2: Home is Where the Murder is
The trip home is, for Lina, pretty boring, except for that bit where she was standing by a stormy lake and contemplating Gourry's ambiguous letter, and thought she saw her creation nearby, illuminated by flashing lightning--but that was probably just her imagination, even if it did scare the crap out of her, so we'll pretend it never happened for her sanity's sake. Besides, her sanity's already going to receive the test of a lifetime when she gets home...
Amelia: LINA-SAN! Thank L-sama you're finally home! (gives her a crushing hug) Oh, Lina-san, it's awful! Just absolutely awful! It's a travesty of all that is just and righteous, it's--
Lina: Get on with it. Oh yeah, and it's nice to see you too, Amelia.
Amelia: I don't know how to break this to you gently, but...Martina-san...is dead!
Lina: Oh no!...who?
Amelia: You know who! She's been your loyal maid for months now! She was the most caring, kind-hearted person...
Lina: You mean the cackling girl in the bikini who ingratiated her way into my household so she could take her revenge on me for blowing up her kingdom and for being an all-around cooler person than her?
Amelia: ...yeah, her.
Lina: But she's not supposed to show up until NEXT!
Amelia: What?
Lina: Never mind. What happened to her?
Amelia: I...oh, I can't speak of it, Lina-san! It's too awful! My justice-loving heart is bursting with sorrow at her cruel fate!
Lina: That's nice, but could you just tell me what the hell--
Amelia: Why don't you ask Gourry-san to tell you what happened? He's the one who's been most involved in this tragic affair, and it would do him good to speak to you, his wife-to-be.
Lina: (spluttering) I'm not...!
Amelia: (pushing Lina to Gourry's door) Please, Lina-san! He's been so upset the past few days, and you know how awful it is to see Gourry-san upset. Go console him; I think he blames himself for Martina's death.
Gourry: Who? Marvina?
Lina: MARTINA, you idiot!
Gourry: You mean the leader of the Protestant Revolution?
Lina: No, that's MARTIN LUTHER, and...hey, how did you know about the Protestant Revolution?
Gourry: The what?
Lina: (sigh) Forget it. Just...you've got to remember Martina. Amelia said you were somehow involved in her death.
Gourry: Oh, THAT Martina. (suddenly turns sad) It's all my fault she's dead...
Lina: I highly doubt that, Gourry! You could never hurt a (semi) friend like her, even if she was annoying.
Gourry: (miserably) But I did, Lina.
They pause awkwardly, at which point Lina gently pats him on the shoulder and gives him words of encouragement, which somehow work to uplift his spirits since she's his love interest.
Lina: It's okay, Gourry. I know you, and you don't have a malicious bone in your body. You're...you're always there for all of us.
Gourry: (smiling weakly) Thanks Lina...but...
Lina: (heart thumping) Yes?
Gourry: What does 'malicious' mean?
Lina: ...you so ruined the mood.
Gourry: Huh?
Lina: Jellyfish brain. Now, tell me what happened. I know it's hard for you to talk about it, but I need to know. I hate to say it, but--ugh, I sound like Amelia--justice must be served or something. We'll avenge Martina's death.
Gourry: Okay...well, Martina got executed for stealing and breaking your family's treasure.
Lina: She...STOLE our beloved family treasure?! ...Wait, I have a family treasure? My sister must have neglected to mention it, as per usual. What is it exactly?
Gourry: I don't really know, but it looks like a small statue of some kind.
Lina: Hm...must be something special, maybe magical. For once, I wish my sister was here so I could ask her about it.
Gourry: You want your sister to be here? That's a first.
Lina: Temporary insanity, my dear Gourry. So, how were you involved with Martina's crime?
Gourry: I'm...I'm the one who found the statue on her.
Lina: And how did you do that?
Gourry: Well, she was out shopping one day, and when she got back she kind of...threw herself at me. Literally.
Lina: (dangerously) I see. Go on.
Gourry: So I...reflexively hung onto her. You know, so she wouldn't fall.
Lina: Right.
Gourry: And I felt something sticking out from her body under my hand...
Lina: Grrrr...GOURRY!!!
Gourry: No, wait! It was the statue sticking out! The statue oh god I don't wanna die...!
Lina: Oh. Then what happened?
Gourry: (sighing in relief) When I asked her what the jagged thing on her was, she looked all surprised and took it out of her cape. It was the statue, but it was broken down the middle! She stared at it for a while, then started saying it was a gift from that Dumbell Goobstar guy and doing that creepy laugh of hers, which got everyone's attention in the house and your sister saw the statue and got really mad and Martina got thrown in jail and tried and executed even though I said she didn't steal it so now she's dead.
Lina: Whoa, whoa, back up a minute! You said you think she didn't steal it, but how can you be sure, knowing her? She might have been acting surprised about finding the statue to fool you.
Gourry: Definitely not. Maybe the last time with the silverware it was her who stole it, but this time I know it wasn't her. She must have been framed.
Lina: Waitaminute, she stole our silverware?!
Gourry: Yeah, I thought you knew about that. She took the tablecloths and the good China too.
Lina: (pounds Gourry to a pulp) That lying little THIEF! Why didn't you tell me, you numbskull?!
Gourry: (pulpy) @_@
Lina: Oh, forget it. So how do you know she didn't steal the statue, if she stole every other freaking valuable in my house?
Gourry: I just...I know, okay? I could tell. She genuinely didn't know she was carrying that statue.
Lina: All right, I'll trust you on this one, Gourry. When you're this sure about something, you're usually right. But...it doesn't explain why she got executed for a simple theft.
Gourry: Well, I think she got a murder charge too, when we found the guards around your family vault were dead. And there was a lot of blood on the statue.
Lina: And you somehow forgot to mention that earlier?
Gourry: Er...
Lina: Still, it doesn't make any sense! If Martina did get into my vault, she would have stolen a lot more than just one measly statue! And that's pretty circumstantial evidence, for the murder part.
Gourry: They found some bombs on her too. I think she really was planning to kill you.
Lina: ...Good riddance to her, then! But the whole thing still bothers me, because the real murderer is still out there, somewhere...and we have no idea who it is.
Gourry: Not really. I saw the culprit.
Lina: WHAT!? Why didn't you report it to the authorities, stupid?!
Gourry: (hurt) I did! But...no one believed me 'cause I didn't have any evidence. They didn't believe me when I told them I thought Martina was framed either.
Lina: (guiltily) Oh. I'm, uh...sorry, Gourry.
Gourry: That's okay, Lina. You didn't mean any harm. You're just being you.
Lina: What's that supposed to mean?
(Gourry deftly switches topics, proving he does have some survival instinct.)
Gourry: I saw what the real thief looks like when I went down into the vault to look at the crime scene. I was searching around for any sort of clue, when I saw this guy standing in the shadows. He was acting all smug, and said, 'I hope the young lady enjoys her gift', whatever that means. I would have done something, but I couldn't move! I think it was a spell. Then he left after mocking my hair for a bit.
Lina: How typically villainous. What did he look like?
Gourry: Well, he was carrying a big stick or something, and he was dressed in priest's clothes, I think, and his hair was purple.
Lina: Ack! Must be Xellos! Did he keep saying, 'That is a secret' and wagging his finger around in an irritating manner?
Gourry: What are you talking about? Have you been sniffing the amniotic fluid again?
Lina: ...How do you know about amniotic fluid? I don't even know what amniotic fluid is.
Gourry: Anyway, the guy was pretty weird looking. He was really tall, even taller than me.
Lina: (realization dawning) Oh my L-sama...did he have a hairstyle kind of like Zel's?
Gourry: Now that I think about it...yeah, he did. Really quite in bad taste, and his clothes--
Lina: And...were his eyes closed?
Gourry: Oh right, that too! Didn't I mention that?
Lina: Shit.
(Lina and Gourry trudge into the library, where Amelia is waiting for them.)
Amelia: Do you understand the whole tragic situation now, Lina-san? How Martina-san was framed by a mysterious evil villain who must be punished by the Hammer of JUSTICE?
Lina: Yeah, I understand. More than I want to know. The only thing Gourry left out--after I wrung as much info out of him as I could--was about the statue. What exactly is the family treasure?
Gourry: I know! It must be those family jewels things my drinking buddies always talk about.
(Lina whacks Gourry.)
Amelia: (blushing) No! The orihalcon statue itself isn't actually the treasure. It's what was inside it that's so valuable. If anyone with an unjust heart were to get his hands on it--
Lina: What IS it, dammit!
Amelia: (nervously) Look, she told me to keep this a secret--
Lina: Who?
Amelia: Luna.
Lina: (convulses)
Amelia: Whoops! Sorry, I forgot about your...reaction to your sister's name.
Lina: (still twitching) You can make it up to me by telling me about the family treasure.
Amelia: All right, just don't mention this to you-know-who. The family treasure that was hidden inside the statue is...the Philosopher's Stone.
(Ba-da-boom)
Lina: We...own...THAT!?
Gourry: Technically, you used to own it.
Lina: ARGH!! Don't remind me! Do you know what I've lost, Gourry? Do you know what the Philosopher's Stone can do?
Gourry: What, does it turn lead into gold or something?
Lina: No, but it's almost as good as that. It's a ludicrously powerful magical amplifier that can make Joe Schmoe the Hack Magic-User into a freakin' powerful sorcerer!
Gourry: Wow! Does Phil's Stone look like a piece of charcoal?
Amelia: (gasping) How did you know that?
Gourry: You know that guy with the bad haircut I saw in the vault? He was holding the stone and making it glow. Is that a bad thing?
Lina: Double shit.
The day passes with a heavy tension, an overwhelming doom of impending catastrophe hanging in the air. It's pretty normal stuff. So is the loud arguing at the dinner table, but this time it's not over food.
Lina: I still say we should be out there searching for the murderer! I can't stand waiting around like this!
Amelia: But it's too dangerous to go after him! We have to plan out the best way to find him while we're safe and together like this.
Gourry: Don't worry, Lina. The answer'll come to us.
Lina: What, by sitting here on our butts while he's out there galivanting around with the Philosopher's Stone? You think he'll just come around and ring the doorbell--
(Ding dong!)
Gourry: See, I told you it would work!
Lina: Shut up.
(Amelia goes to answer the door. A moment later, Lina and Gourry hear a high-pitched voice squealing 'Zelgadis-san!', and Amelia re-enters the dining room clutching a certain irritated chimera.)
Amelia: Look, everyone! Zelgadis-san must have heard the forces of Justice are gathering to battle evil, so he came here to help us with our search!
Zel: Actually, I just ran out of eyeballs back at the castle. Could you spare any of yours here, Lina?
Gourry: No, I think Lina needs her eyeballs. You know, for seeing?
Amelia: (sigh) That's not what he means, Gourry-san.
Lina: Never mind the eyeballs! You've got great timing, Zelgadis. Sounds suspiciously like a plot device, but I'm okay with that. Now you can help us search for Martina's murderer.
Zel: Who's Martina?
Lina: We'll fill you in on the details later, but right now we're looking for (gives Zel a meaningful look) a very tall man in priest's robes carrying a staff, who has hair kind of like yours.
Zel: Hey, that sounds like...(Lina glares at him)...nobody I know.
Lina: Of course it doesn't sound like anybody we know, because we absolutely don't know this person! Right, Zel?
Zel: Uh...
Lina: Good! Now, let's come up with the search plan, shall we? I think we should split up into two groups to track down Martina's murderer, with me and Gourry in one group and--
Zel: I never said I would help. I didn't even know this Martina person. Why should I--
Lina: The murderer has the Philosopher's Stone.
Zel: (shuts up)
Lina: Okay, Zel and Amelia, you guys stick around near here, just in case Rez--uh, the murderer comes back to taunt me again, like many an idiot villain. You know how to deal with him if he shows up.
Amelia: Fireball his ass to a crisp?
Lina: Hardly anything so crude, Amelia. Call me back and I'll Dragon Slave his ass to Hell. He's much too dangerous for you to take on without me, since he's got the Philosopher's Stone.
Zel: So I take it he knows magic now? How did that happen?
(Amelia turns her wide, inquisitive eyes toward Zel.)
Amelia: What are you talking about, Zelgadis-san? You sound as if you know him.
Zel: Eh? Well, um, uh...
Lina: Look, it's a five-headed nougat demon!
Amelia: Ooh, ooh! Where? I love nougat!
Gourry: What's nougat?
(Meanwhile, Lina baps Zelgadis on the head as a reminder to keep his big, fat mouth shut.)
Zel: Ow! You know you can't keep your creature a secret forever, Lina.
Lina: (undertone) Shh! I don't want them to know about it!
(Gourry gives Lina an uncharacteristically thoughtful look, but no one notices.)
Lina: Sorry, false alarm, no nougat demon. Let's get back on topic, people.
Amelia: So Zelgadis-san and I will be searching around town for the murderer, right? What about you two?
Lina: Hm...we'll strike out and search the countryside, starting with the Alps.
Amelia: Why would he hide in the mountains? I would think he'd head to the border...
Lina: Why, dramatic convention, of course! Those ridiculously treacherous, snow-laden mountains are just perfect for our fateful meeting!
Zel: Plus, let's just say he's probably not exactly human.
Lina: Ah haha! What a kidder you are, Zelgadis! Why would he be anything but a perfectly normal person?
Gourry: Because with you, nothing's ever normal?
Lina: I'd be fire-balling you if it weren't the sad truth. Okay, enough time wasted! Let's go out and find the creep who dared to cross Lina Inverse!
Amelia: Oh, Lina-san! I'm filled with the most happiest absolute joy at your enthusiasm to serve Justice to Martina's murderer!
Lina: Yeah, well, you know what they say about Justice; it's a dish best served with a side order of ass-kicking.
Amelia: Really? People are saying that?
Lina: No.
Amelia: Oh. I guess my daddy's teachings haven't spread to the general public yet after all.
Lina: ...I swear, your family has the most twisted sense of justice.
Zel: Just be glad you aren't the one who has to spend the next few days with her.
Lina: I know! Isn't it great how it worked out like that?
Gourry: (smiling) Yeah, it'll be nice to spend time with you after you've been away for so long.
Lina: Uh...
Amelia: Oooooh, it's so romantic!
Lina: ARRGH!! It's not like that! Let's just go start searching before I kill someone. I'm sick of you people already. Amelia, make sure you fill Zelgadis in on everything he's missed so far, in painfully exquisite detail.
Amelia: Okay!
Zel: Why have I got a bad feeling about this? ...Oh yeah, because I have a bad feeling about everything.
Author's notes: So the plot thickens, like a badly made cream sauce. Yeah.
Here's a big thank you for reviewers! I love you all. For those of you worrying about your favorite Slayers characters dying off...well, keep on worrying! This is cheesy Gothic horror after all. Bwa ha ha!
Next chapter, a reunion with Rezo. Boy, I'm moving through the Frankenstein plot pretty quickly, aren't I? Must a be a reaction against the plodding pace of the novel. My apologies if you actually like the novel, by the way.