Chapter 4
" Sydney, what's wrong?" her dad asks with a concerned voice.
" I just don't know." She wants so badly to cry on his shoulder like she did when she was six years old and fell off a pony and scraped her knee. He had been there to help her get right back on. Instead, she doesn't want him to worry so much about her.
" Dad, do you remember your wedding day?"
Jack turns his back to her and looks out the window. Sydney suddenly feels terrible to have asked him such a question. She knows that he tries desperately to forget the hurtful past with her mother. She wants to take it back, but it's too late and she secretly really wants to know his answer. He tilts his head and the memory of over thirty years back flashes before him like still frames of a movie passing right before his eyes.
" I remember it perfectly," he finally says with a sigh. "Every second."
" Really?"
" There weren't that many people, just a priest. Your mother convinced me that we didn't need anyone else at our wedding. At the time, she said that 'it would be like our own little secret moment.' But now, thinking back, it was probably because she didn't have anyone to invite. Her whole history had been a lie. She couldn't let people come to the wedding if they didn't exist. I was naïve and let her have her way."
" Dad, don't do that to yourself. You couldn't have known," Sydney places her hand gently on her dad's arm.
" Well, it didn't matter because, in a way, she was right. You really only need two people. The two who share a love that makes them want to declare to the whole world that they are like one. It's nice to share with others, but not essential. Anyway, it was very intimate. She wore a slim white silk dress with long strands that you had to tie in the back. I actually had to help her into her dress because no one else was there. I was not very good at lacing the strands and actually ripped one of them. You know, my hands are very skilled with guns but terrible with women's clothing." He turned back to see if Sydney had cracked a smile, and she did.
" What did you do?"
" Well, first, we laughed until our stomach hurt for a few minutes and then I was gentleman like and gave her my suit jacket to wear. A few other things didn't go our way that day. We didn't make it out to be a grand occasion. Simple, but special. We didn't even have music. When she walked down to meet me, she had to hum the wedding march to herself. When we made eye-contact, she gave me a look as if playfully threatening me to hum with her or she would hurt me. Then at that moment, I felt like the happiest man alive because I knew I had found her. " He stops suddenly trying to compose himself. The memory was sweet and painful at the same time.
" Did you feel, I don't know, unsure, um, about anything?" Sydney was not being very articulate today.
" Of course there was the usual amount of apprehension about the future. But Sydney, there is uncertainty in everything. You should know that by now. It was just nerves I guess," Jack smirks. To think of himself being scared of anything, let alone marriage, made him almost laugh. " It wasn't, how should I put it, dread, but nerves of excitement. Not knowing what the future held."
" Yeah, you said mom was the one. How were you so sure?"
" Now after thirty-some years, I am not so sure why I was so sure. Did you know that when I first met your mother, I was dating someone else at the time?"
" No, I didn't." At the first initial moment of hearing her father's words, she felt surprised, but then remembered that she doesn't really know that much about her father's past. They were working on their relationship, but haven't gotten to the point of sharing everything.
" Yes Sydney. I did, date, other women before your mother. Her name was Sara. We knew each other for a really long time and started seeing each other when mutual friends suggested we would be a good match. And we were, but everything was the way it was suppose to be. There was no excitement. There were no obstacles. We settled into routine quickly. On the outside we seemed like the perfect couple that never argued. With your mother, there was always something special. She challenged my ideas and everything I thought I knew. She made me see new perspectives. Of course I didn't know everything was planned. I thought everything she did was spontaneous."
" Do you regret your decision to end things with Sara?"
Jack had to think hard, and finally he answered. " No. If I had stayed with Sara and did eventually end up marrying her. I would have settled for normality."
" But, isn't that something you would want with your life being so messed up with the CIA?" That's what I would want, she thought.
" Sydney, when you lead the life of a CIA agent, you need to be motivated to do the things you do. If you settled all the time, slowly your drive would diminish and then disappear. You don't really want to settle when you can have something greater. The times when I wanted normality, I still got it with your mother. I'd like to think that when we were together, there were times when it wasn't always about our jobs."
Sydney nods her head slowly as she tries to remember times of her mother and father together.
" I remember times when it couldn't have been her job to do the things she did," Jack adds on to give Sydney more confidence about her mother.
" Me too. Thanks dad." Sydney reaches out and gives her dad a tight hug.
" Are you sure about this?" Jack asks pointing to her dress, but really meaning this whole wedding occasion.
Sydney thinks for awhile and finally gets the courage to share her doubts with her dad. " Do you think I'm trying to settle?"
" I can't answer that."
Sydney just nods her head. " I'll give you some more time by yourself," he says heading toward the door. " But don't take too long. Unlike my wedding, you actually have guests."
" Don't worry, I won't be too long," she turns her head to follow him out the door.
Sydney returns to mirror but drifts off to thinking about her mom and dad and their wedding. Wow, Sydney thought about the story. It doesn't seem like it could be true. She always remembered her parents were happy when she was young, but she never knew how much her Dad truly loved her mother. Slowly, with that same realization, her inside began to fill with anger. How could her mother use him like that? Not really loving someone, but marrying that person pretending the whole time, was simply cruel.
She reaches for the box on the table and takes out the necklace as she hears the door slowly open behind her.
" Dad, I said I wouldn't take that long. I just need to put one more thing on."
There is a cleared throat, " um. It's not Jack."
" Sydney, what's wrong?" her dad asks with a concerned voice.
" I just don't know." She wants so badly to cry on his shoulder like she did when she was six years old and fell off a pony and scraped her knee. He had been there to help her get right back on. Instead, she doesn't want him to worry so much about her.
" Dad, do you remember your wedding day?"
Jack turns his back to her and looks out the window. Sydney suddenly feels terrible to have asked him such a question. She knows that he tries desperately to forget the hurtful past with her mother. She wants to take it back, but it's too late and she secretly really wants to know his answer. He tilts his head and the memory of over thirty years back flashes before him like still frames of a movie passing right before his eyes.
" I remember it perfectly," he finally says with a sigh. "Every second."
" Really?"
" There weren't that many people, just a priest. Your mother convinced me that we didn't need anyone else at our wedding. At the time, she said that 'it would be like our own little secret moment.' But now, thinking back, it was probably because she didn't have anyone to invite. Her whole history had been a lie. She couldn't let people come to the wedding if they didn't exist. I was naïve and let her have her way."
" Dad, don't do that to yourself. You couldn't have known," Sydney places her hand gently on her dad's arm.
" Well, it didn't matter because, in a way, she was right. You really only need two people. The two who share a love that makes them want to declare to the whole world that they are like one. It's nice to share with others, but not essential. Anyway, it was very intimate. She wore a slim white silk dress with long strands that you had to tie in the back. I actually had to help her into her dress because no one else was there. I was not very good at lacing the strands and actually ripped one of them. You know, my hands are very skilled with guns but terrible with women's clothing." He turned back to see if Sydney had cracked a smile, and she did.
" What did you do?"
" Well, first, we laughed until our stomach hurt for a few minutes and then I was gentleman like and gave her my suit jacket to wear. A few other things didn't go our way that day. We didn't make it out to be a grand occasion. Simple, but special. We didn't even have music. When she walked down to meet me, she had to hum the wedding march to herself. When we made eye-contact, she gave me a look as if playfully threatening me to hum with her or she would hurt me. Then at that moment, I felt like the happiest man alive because I knew I had found her. " He stops suddenly trying to compose himself. The memory was sweet and painful at the same time.
" Did you feel, I don't know, unsure, um, about anything?" Sydney was not being very articulate today.
" Of course there was the usual amount of apprehension about the future. But Sydney, there is uncertainty in everything. You should know that by now. It was just nerves I guess," Jack smirks. To think of himself being scared of anything, let alone marriage, made him almost laugh. " It wasn't, how should I put it, dread, but nerves of excitement. Not knowing what the future held."
" Yeah, you said mom was the one. How were you so sure?"
" Now after thirty-some years, I am not so sure why I was so sure. Did you know that when I first met your mother, I was dating someone else at the time?"
" No, I didn't." At the first initial moment of hearing her father's words, she felt surprised, but then remembered that she doesn't really know that much about her father's past. They were working on their relationship, but haven't gotten to the point of sharing everything.
" Yes Sydney. I did, date, other women before your mother. Her name was Sara. We knew each other for a really long time and started seeing each other when mutual friends suggested we would be a good match. And we were, but everything was the way it was suppose to be. There was no excitement. There were no obstacles. We settled into routine quickly. On the outside we seemed like the perfect couple that never argued. With your mother, there was always something special. She challenged my ideas and everything I thought I knew. She made me see new perspectives. Of course I didn't know everything was planned. I thought everything she did was spontaneous."
" Do you regret your decision to end things with Sara?"
Jack had to think hard, and finally he answered. " No. If I had stayed with Sara and did eventually end up marrying her. I would have settled for normality."
" But, isn't that something you would want with your life being so messed up with the CIA?" That's what I would want, she thought.
" Sydney, when you lead the life of a CIA agent, you need to be motivated to do the things you do. If you settled all the time, slowly your drive would diminish and then disappear. You don't really want to settle when you can have something greater. The times when I wanted normality, I still got it with your mother. I'd like to think that when we were together, there were times when it wasn't always about our jobs."
Sydney nods her head slowly as she tries to remember times of her mother and father together.
" I remember times when it couldn't have been her job to do the things she did," Jack adds on to give Sydney more confidence about her mother.
" Me too. Thanks dad." Sydney reaches out and gives her dad a tight hug.
" Are you sure about this?" Jack asks pointing to her dress, but really meaning this whole wedding occasion.
Sydney thinks for awhile and finally gets the courage to share her doubts with her dad. " Do you think I'm trying to settle?"
" I can't answer that."
Sydney just nods her head. " I'll give you some more time by yourself," he says heading toward the door. " But don't take too long. Unlike my wedding, you actually have guests."
" Don't worry, I won't be too long," she turns her head to follow him out the door.
Sydney returns to mirror but drifts off to thinking about her mom and dad and their wedding. Wow, Sydney thought about the story. It doesn't seem like it could be true. She always remembered her parents were happy when she was young, but she never knew how much her Dad truly loved her mother. Slowly, with that same realization, her inside began to fill with anger. How could her mother use him like that? Not really loving someone, but marrying that person pretending the whole time, was simply cruel.
She reaches for the box on the table and takes out the necklace as she hears the door slowly open behind her.
" Dad, I said I wouldn't take that long. I just need to put one more thing on."
There is a cleared throat, " um. It's not Jack."