Author's Note: Once apon a time, a 14-year-old Lord of the Rings fan
became very bored with her writings of Enep the Unicorn. So she decided to
take a break from that, and help herself to some laughter and creativity.
Lo and behold...
-----
Bag End
Frodo, sitting at a wooden table writing poems just for the hell of it, looks up at his Uncle Bilbo.
FRODO: You're drunk already, and the party hasn't even started.
BILBO: What? Who are you?!
He grabs a bat and starts swinging blindly at Frodo, knocking the pencil out of his nephew's hand.
FRODO: What the-?! Bilbo! It's me, Frodo!
Bilbo blinks rapidly.
BILBO: Oh, oh yeah. Forgive me.
FRODO: Stop drinking, you beer-bellied bastard. Save it for the party, will you?
BILBO: (Shrugs) Ok.
Frodo gets up and rushes to the kitchen to lock away the spirits.
BILBO: Hey, by the way, I've got something for you.
He chucks a golden ring at Frodo.
FRODO: Wha? (Catches it)
Bilbo snatches it back.
BILBO: Um, just kidding! Heh...
Frodo shrugs and puts the key in his pocket.
-----
Later on, at the Birthday party
Frodo takes a seat next to Sam, who's sipping at an ale.
FRODO: C'mon Sam, have a dance with Rosie!
SAM: (Looking at Frodo dreamily) Oh no, Mr. Frodo, I'd much rather dance with--
He gets pushed into the crowd by Frodo into Rosie's arms.
ROSIE: Wow! Where'd you come from?
They dance off. Merry and Pippin trot up behind Frodo.
MERRY: Hi!
PIPPIN: Hi!
FRODO: Not you two again. You do realize that I'm a perfectly normal, well- behaved hobbit that doesn't smoke or drink, or get into trouble in particular.
PIPPIN: (Confused) What'd you just say?
FRODO: Nevermind.
MERRY: Hey Frodo! In case you ever want to go on any adventures or anything, bring us with you!
Frodo rolls his eyes and starts to walk off.
FRODO: Whatever. Sure, yeah. If it'll get you to get out of my sight.
PIPPIN: Hey! What'd Bilbo just drop?
Frodo walk over to the shiny thing on the ground and picks it up. Gandalf suddenly appears right in front of him with a poof of grey smoke.
GANDALF: That's a magic ring. You'll have to take it to Rivendell. Pack your things, you're leaving tomorrow!
Poof, and he's gone again.
MERRY AND PIPPIN: Yay! Adventure!
FRODO: Dammit.
-----
The East Road
Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry trudge along.
MERRY AND PIPPIN: Yay! Adventure!
FRODO: Will you cut that out???!!!!
SAM: Calm down, you must save your strength. I want you to stay safe, Mr. Frodo.
FRODO: Oh, and that makes you my best friend.
SAM: Actually, it does.
FRODO: Up yours.
The road ahead starts to swirl in a weird way.
MERRY: Damn, that's strange. We better hide.
The hobbits jump into a muddy ditch.
PIPPIN: This can't be right...
FRODO: Shhh! Something's coming! Cover yourself in mud!
They do so, and a Ring-wraith rides up. He stays for a minute, then rides off again.
MERRY: That was close!
The Ring-wraith hears and gallops up again.
SAM: Shit! Runnnnn!!!
They run. Suddenly it's night, and they're still running, and Sam, Pippin, and Merry jump onto a boat in some random river.
SAM: Ok, are we all here?! One......... Two...... There's only two of us!
MERRY: Three, Sam! You forgot to count you!
PIPPIN: No, he forgot to count YOU!
SAM: Three comes after two?
MERRY: Nevermind! One of us is missing!
PIPPIN: Nuh-uh. We're all here.
MERRY: Frodo! He's not here! Where'd he go?
Frodo jumps up onto the boat, spinning it around with his momentum. The Black Rider stops at the bank, shouting extremely vulgar language to all four hobbits.
FRODO: Idiots! Why didn't you wait for me!?
-----
Bree
PIPPIN: (To Merry) I dare you to find at least 20 words that rhyme with Bree.
FRODO: Shut up, dammit. I need to convince this gate dude to let us in.
The gate magically opens.
SAM: That was easy. You're my hero, Frodo!
MERRY: Let's go!
They arrive at the Prancing Pony Inn.
INNKEEPER: (Taking one look at Frodo) Mmm... who's your daddy?
Sam pulls out his sword.
FRODO: Look, can we just get a flipping room?
INNKEEPER: Oh yeah, sorry. How many beds?
SAM: (Whispers to Merry) What comes after three?
FRODO: Four.
INNKEEPER: We only have up to three beds per room, cutey.
FRODO: Umm, ok, that's fine.
SAM: You can share my bed, Frodo. (Batts eyelashes)
FRODO: Not in a million years, pervert.
-----
Later that night, in Strider's room
STRIDER: (Looks out the window) I wonder what those black things are?
PIPPIN: They tried to kill us.
STRIDER: That brings us to one conclusion: they're bad. (Looks proud of himself)
MERRY: (To Frodo) You sure this is the right guy?
Frodo shrugs and turns over to sleep.
-----
Weathertop
FRODO: Sam, you pay a lot more attention to that horse than you do me.
SAM: You had your chance, fool.
FRODO: What the hell?
Frodo suddenly realizes the fire Merry and Pippin have going.
FRODO: Noo!! Put it out, assholes! You're so (censored)ing stupid!!!! AHHHRRR!!!!
He steps on their fire.
MERRY: You're such a BITCH! Stop it!
FRODO: Dammit, that's hot! Oh, my pretty feet! (Hops around)
PIPPIN: Hey... they are kinda pretty...
Sam pulls out his sword. Suddenly, Black Riders are spotted in the distance.
SAM: (To Merry and Pippin) Hey, I've got an idea! Instead of going DOWN the hill, let's go UP, and set Frodo up for a very heroic injury!
MERRY: Sounds good.
PIPPIN: Let's go!
-----
In the forest
Aragorn is with Arwen laying in the grass, both semi-naked.
ARAGORN: (Hears the Black Riders) Shit, what now?
Arwen sighs and gets up.
ARWEN: I have a feeling Frodo's been stabbed... poor, cute little...
ARAGORN: Hey.
ARWEN: Sorry. Hey, I know! You go and save them, and bring them here, and just when they all think Frodo's going to die, I'll pop out of nowhere and save his life. I'll take him to my people.
ARAGORN: Hell no! Once your dad learns that the little dude is a friend of mine, he'll kill him on the spot. And how do you know Frodo's hurt, anyway?
ARWEN: I read ahead in the script. Hurry!
-----
Author's Note: And it ends there. No, just kidding... I'll add more later. I need to go to bed for now. Hope you like it so far... expect more really SOON!
-----
Bag End
Frodo, sitting at a wooden table writing poems just for the hell of it, looks up at his Uncle Bilbo.
FRODO: You're drunk already, and the party hasn't even started.
BILBO: What? Who are you?!
He grabs a bat and starts swinging blindly at Frodo, knocking the pencil out of his nephew's hand.
FRODO: What the-?! Bilbo! It's me, Frodo!
Bilbo blinks rapidly.
BILBO: Oh, oh yeah. Forgive me.
FRODO: Stop drinking, you beer-bellied bastard. Save it for the party, will you?
BILBO: (Shrugs) Ok.
Frodo gets up and rushes to the kitchen to lock away the spirits.
BILBO: Hey, by the way, I've got something for you.
He chucks a golden ring at Frodo.
FRODO: Wha? (Catches it)
Bilbo snatches it back.
BILBO: Um, just kidding! Heh...
Frodo shrugs and puts the key in his pocket.
-----
Later on, at the Birthday party
Frodo takes a seat next to Sam, who's sipping at an ale.
FRODO: C'mon Sam, have a dance with Rosie!
SAM: (Looking at Frodo dreamily) Oh no, Mr. Frodo, I'd much rather dance with--
He gets pushed into the crowd by Frodo into Rosie's arms.
ROSIE: Wow! Where'd you come from?
They dance off. Merry and Pippin trot up behind Frodo.
MERRY: Hi!
PIPPIN: Hi!
FRODO: Not you two again. You do realize that I'm a perfectly normal, well- behaved hobbit that doesn't smoke or drink, or get into trouble in particular.
PIPPIN: (Confused) What'd you just say?
FRODO: Nevermind.
MERRY: Hey Frodo! In case you ever want to go on any adventures or anything, bring us with you!
Frodo rolls his eyes and starts to walk off.
FRODO: Whatever. Sure, yeah. If it'll get you to get out of my sight.
PIPPIN: Hey! What'd Bilbo just drop?
Frodo walk over to the shiny thing on the ground and picks it up. Gandalf suddenly appears right in front of him with a poof of grey smoke.
GANDALF: That's a magic ring. You'll have to take it to Rivendell. Pack your things, you're leaving tomorrow!
Poof, and he's gone again.
MERRY AND PIPPIN: Yay! Adventure!
FRODO: Dammit.
-----
The East Road
Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry trudge along.
MERRY AND PIPPIN: Yay! Adventure!
FRODO: Will you cut that out???!!!!
SAM: Calm down, you must save your strength. I want you to stay safe, Mr. Frodo.
FRODO: Oh, and that makes you my best friend.
SAM: Actually, it does.
FRODO: Up yours.
The road ahead starts to swirl in a weird way.
MERRY: Damn, that's strange. We better hide.
The hobbits jump into a muddy ditch.
PIPPIN: This can't be right...
FRODO: Shhh! Something's coming! Cover yourself in mud!
They do so, and a Ring-wraith rides up. He stays for a minute, then rides off again.
MERRY: That was close!
The Ring-wraith hears and gallops up again.
SAM: Shit! Runnnnn!!!
They run. Suddenly it's night, and they're still running, and Sam, Pippin, and Merry jump onto a boat in some random river.
SAM: Ok, are we all here?! One......... Two...... There's only two of us!
MERRY: Three, Sam! You forgot to count you!
PIPPIN: No, he forgot to count YOU!
SAM: Three comes after two?
MERRY: Nevermind! One of us is missing!
PIPPIN: Nuh-uh. We're all here.
MERRY: Frodo! He's not here! Where'd he go?
Frodo jumps up onto the boat, spinning it around with his momentum. The Black Rider stops at the bank, shouting extremely vulgar language to all four hobbits.
FRODO: Idiots! Why didn't you wait for me!?
-----
Bree
PIPPIN: (To Merry) I dare you to find at least 20 words that rhyme with Bree.
FRODO: Shut up, dammit. I need to convince this gate dude to let us in.
The gate magically opens.
SAM: That was easy. You're my hero, Frodo!
MERRY: Let's go!
They arrive at the Prancing Pony Inn.
INNKEEPER: (Taking one look at Frodo) Mmm... who's your daddy?
Sam pulls out his sword.
FRODO: Look, can we just get a flipping room?
INNKEEPER: Oh yeah, sorry. How many beds?
SAM: (Whispers to Merry) What comes after three?
FRODO: Four.
INNKEEPER: We only have up to three beds per room, cutey.
FRODO: Umm, ok, that's fine.
SAM: You can share my bed, Frodo. (Batts eyelashes)
FRODO: Not in a million years, pervert.
-----
Later that night, in Strider's room
STRIDER: (Looks out the window) I wonder what those black things are?
PIPPIN: They tried to kill us.
STRIDER: That brings us to one conclusion: they're bad. (Looks proud of himself)
MERRY: (To Frodo) You sure this is the right guy?
Frodo shrugs and turns over to sleep.
-----
Weathertop
FRODO: Sam, you pay a lot more attention to that horse than you do me.
SAM: You had your chance, fool.
FRODO: What the hell?
Frodo suddenly realizes the fire Merry and Pippin have going.
FRODO: Noo!! Put it out, assholes! You're so (censored)ing stupid!!!! AHHHRRR!!!!
He steps on their fire.
MERRY: You're such a BITCH! Stop it!
FRODO: Dammit, that's hot! Oh, my pretty feet! (Hops around)
PIPPIN: Hey... they are kinda pretty...
Sam pulls out his sword. Suddenly, Black Riders are spotted in the distance.
SAM: (To Merry and Pippin) Hey, I've got an idea! Instead of going DOWN the hill, let's go UP, and set Frodo up for a very heroic injury!
MERRY: Sounds good.
PIPPIN: Let's go!
-----
In the forest
Aragorn is with Arwen laying in the grass, both semi-naked.
ARAGORN: (Hears the Black Riders) Shit, what now?
Arwen sighs and gets up.
ARWEN: I have a feeling Frodo's been stabbed... poor, cute little...
ARAGORN: Hey.
ARWEN: Sorry. Hey, I know! You go and save them, and bring them here, and just when they all think Frodo's going to die, I'll pop out of nowhere and save his life. I'll take him to my people.
ARAGORN: Hell no! Once your dad learns that the little dude is a friend of mine, he'll kill him on the spot. And how do you know Frodo's hurt, anyway?
ARWEN: I read ahead in the script. Hurry!
-----
Author's Note: And it ends there. No, just kidding... I'll add more later. I need to go to bed for now. Hope you like it so far... expect more really SOON!