Author's Note: And so it continues. Enjoy!
-----
Back at Weathertop
FRODO: Neep! Not good!
The hobbits scurry up the hillside, Sam making sure they go upwards. At the top they all huddle around Frodo.
MERRY: (To Sam) You sure about this?
SAM: Positive. Maybe it'll teach him a lesson.
A Black Rider bounds up and pushes Sam to the side.
SAM: Ouch! Hey, they weren't supposed to be that strong and mean!
FRODO: (In his own little world) I wonder what will happen if I put my ring on?
He puts it on.
PIPPIN: Wow! I didn't know Frodo was a wizard!
FRODO: Wow! I didn't know this would make me invisible!
BLACK RIDER: Wow! Here's my opportunity to kick his ass!
MERRY: Sam, this plan is not working out!
SAM: Obviously. Where's Frodo?
Strider suddenly pops out of nowhere with a wind-resistant flame on a stick.
ARAGORN: Hey, where's Frodo?
PIPPIN: He's a wizard! He's disapeered!
ARAGORN: Wow! I didn't know --
MERRY: Shut up, all of you, if you haven't noticed yet we're being attacked!!!
ARAGORN: Oh yeah.
Ten minutes later.
FRODO: He stabbed me! I'm bleeding! I'm dyyyyying!
SAM: Calm down. So, you're saying, you put the ring on and that's why you suddenly disapeered?
PIPPIN: What a disappointment. I thought you were a wizard.
Frodo glares at Pippin.
-----
Rivendell
ELROND: What the-?! Arwen, why didn't you tell me this halfling was a friend of your boyfriend? I could have killed him on the spot!
ARWEN: Daddy, be nice.
-----
The Council of Elrond
ELROND: Let's start this meeting. But before we begin, gentlemen, I want you to know that I really don't want to be here right now, and I will not tolerate any smart-alecky comments, rudeness, smirking, Wizards that think they know everything, boyfriends of my daughter, elves that think they're prettier than me, and especially hobbits that think they can save the world. Kapeesh?
FRODO: Whatever. About this Ring --
GANDALF: Someone needs to take it to Mordor, and cast it into the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can its powers be undone.
BOROMIR: I say you give it to me. I can use it to save Gondor!
ARAGORN: How the hell do you think you can do that? Say nice things to it so it suddenly wants to be good instead of bad?
GIMLI: I don't remember coming to the conclusion that it was bad to begin with...
ELROND: Shut up, shut up. I think Boromir's idea is better than anyone else's.
LEGOLAS: Oh, stop playing favorites.
ELROND: What if you were my favorite? Would you want me to stop playing favorites if you were my favorite? I don't think so.
FRODO: Ahemm, um, ANYWAY...
GANDALF: I say Mount Doom! Chant with me! Mount Doom, Mount Doom!
ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI: Mount Doom, Mount Doom!
Frodo rubs his temples.
ELROND: Okay FINE! If it makes you all happy! Personally, I don't give a damn as to what the hell you do with that stupid Ring, because I can always just sail away to the Grey Havens!
SAM: (Pops out of the bushes with Merry and Pippin) We want to go to Mount Doom.
ELROND: (Chuckles) You have no idea of the dangers that await you. But that's ok, you all deserve to die anyway. Council dismissed.
-----
Somewhere in the mountains
Gandalf, Boromir, Aragorn, and Legolas are all staring at a map.
GANDALF: We should take the Caradhras path.
BOROMIR: No... why don't we just go down the valley?
LEGOLAS: We'd be going the wrong way.
ARAGORN: The map is upside-down.
GANDALF: No it's not...
BOROMIR: Can't we visit that Disneyland on the way?
LEGOLAS: No time, no money.
ARAGORN: Disneyland? I don't see a Disneyland.
LEGOLAS: I think we're lost.
GANDALF: Shut up, I know what I'm doing.
Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin are practising their sword skills.
MERRY: Take that! (Clang)
PIPPIN: Watch your head! (Swoosh)
LEGOLAS: (Suddenly looking up) What's that in the sky?
ARAGORN: It's a cloud, you moron.
FRODO: No it's not.
GANDALF: Spies of the enemy! Hide!
They dive into their hiding spots, as they'd done in their drills. The spies go over them, fly around a bit, and fly away.
MERRY: That was--
SAM: Shh!
-----
Caradhras
PIPPIN: I'm cold. Carry me, Boromir? (Batts eyelashes)
BOROMIR: Aww... how can I resist?
LEGOLAS: (To Gandalf) I'm hearing things.
ARAGORN: (Who overheard) Yeah, and I see dead people.
GANDALF: I have a plan B. Let's go to Moria if this doesn't work out, ok?
GIMLI: Sounds good to me. We can visit my cousin.
FRODO AND SAM: Noo......
-----
Holin's Gate
GANDALF: Dammit, I was never a good hacker.
MERRY: Just guess the password, ok? Pippin and I will throw stones in the lake to provoke any dangerous monsters.
ARAGORN: (To Boromir) You can put Pippin down now.
BOROMIR: But he's so cute!
GANDALF: Squishy watermelons... no, that's not it... loopy girdle-buns... no....
FRODO: What's the elvish word for friend?
GANDALF: Mellon...
The doors open.
MERRY: Big monster alert!!
A big octopus comes out of the water and snatches Frodo's ankle.
FRODO: Neep!
PIPPIN: This can't be good...
LEGOLAS: I'll save you! (Arrows fly)
ARAGORN: Careful not to hit the halfling!
BOROMIR: No! Hit him! I want his shiny magic ring!
-----
Moria
SAM: Roll call. Did we all make it in alive?
MERRY: Sam, last time you checked to see if we were all here, it didn't work.
GIMLI: Besides, it's pitch black in here.
GANDALF: I just happen to have a handy-dandy bright stone in my pocket, here.
The room lights up.
LEGOLAS: I'm so glad we're in a movie, where none of the main characters can die.
ARAGORN: Don't jinx it.
-----
Khazad-Dum
FRODO: God dammit, Pippin!
PIPPIN: This isn't my fault! It was Gandalf's idea to even come here!
GANDALF: Cross the bridge! Hurry!
BOROMIR: Why the bridge? What kind of bridge is this anyway?
ARAGORN: They might as well have just made it a tightrope.
LEGOLAS: We can get across.
MERRY: Easy for you to say. A few of us are a little overweight.
PIPPIN: Hey, who said we couldn't be carried over?
-----
Moria exit
SAM: You and your jinxes, Legolas.
Frodo runs up to Legolas and grabs his throat.
GIMLI: Stop it! All of you!
-----
Author's Note: To be continued later on... whew, that was a lot of writing.
-----
Back at Weathertop
FRODO: Neep! Not good!
The hobbits scurry up the hillside, Sam making sure they go upwards. At the top they all huddle around Frodo.
MERRY: (To Sam) You sure about this?
SAM: Positive. Maybe it'll teach him a lesson.
A Black Rider bounds up and pushes Sam to the side.
SAM: Ouch! Hey, they weren't supposed to be that strong and mean!
FRODO: (In his own little world) I wonder what will happen if I put my ring on?
He puts it on.
PIPPIN: Wow! I didn't know Frodo was a wizard!
FRODO: Wow! I didn't know this would make me invisible!
BLACK RIDER: Wow! Here's my opportunity to kick his ass!
MERRY: Sam, this plan is not working out!
SAM: Obviously. Where's Frodo?
Strider suddenly pops out of nowhere with a wind-resistant flame on a stick.
ARAGORN: Hey, where's Frodo?
PIPPIN: He's a wizard! He's disapeered!
ARAGORN: Wow! I didn't know --
MERRY: Shut up, all of you, if you haven't noticed yet we're being attacked!!!
ARAGORN: Oh yeah.
Ten minutes later.
FRODO: He stabbed me! I'm bleeding! I'm dyyyyying!
SAM: Calm down. So, you're saying, you put the ring on and that's why you suddenly disapeered?
PIPPIN: What a disappointment. I thought you were a wizard.
Frodo glares at Pippin.
-----
Rivendell
ELROND: What the-?! Arwen, why didn't you tell me this halfling was a friend of your boyfriend? I could have killed him on the spot!
ARWEN: Daddy, be nice.
-----
The Council of Elrond
ELROND: Let's start this meeting. But before we begin, gentlemen, I want you to know that I really don't want to be here right now, and I will not tolerate any smart-alecky comments, rudeness, smirking, Wizards that think they know everything, boyfriends of my daughter, elves that think they're prettier than me, and especially hobbits that think they can save the world. Kapeesh?
FRODO: Whatever. About this Ring --
GANDALF: Someone needs to take it to Mordor, and cast it into the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can its powers be undone.
BOROMIR: I say you give it to me. I can use it to save Gondor!
ARAGORN: How the hell do you think you can do that? Say nice things to it so it suddenly wants to be good instead of bad?
GIMLI: I don't remember coming to the conclusion that it was bad to begin with...
ELROND: Shut up, shut up. I think Boromir's idea is better than anyone else's.
LEGOLAS: Oh, stop playing favorites.
ELROND: What if you were my favorite? Would you want me to stop playing favorites if you were my favorite? I don't think so.
FRODO: Ahemm, um, ANYWAY...
GANDALF: I say Mount Doom! Chant with me! Mount Doom, Mount Doom!
ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI: Mount Doom, Mount Doom!
Frodo rubs his temples.
ELROND: Okay FINE! If it makes you all happy! Personally, I don't give a damn as to what the hell you do with that stupid Ring, because I can always just sail away to the Grey Havens!
SAM: (Pops out of the bushes with Merry and Pippin) We want to go to Mount Doom.
ELROND: (Chuckles) You have no idea of the dangers that await you. But that's ok, you all deserve to die anyway. Council dismissed.
-----
Somewhere in the mountains
Gandalf, Boromir, Aragorn, and Legolas are all staring at a map.
GANDALF: We should take the Caradhras path.
BOROMIR: No... why don't we just go down the valley?
LEGOLAS: We'd be going the wrong way.
ARAGORN: The map is upside-down.
GANDALF: No it's not...
BOROMIR: Can't we visit that Disneyland on the way?
LEGOLAS: No time, no money.
ARAGORN: Disneyland? I don't see a Disneyland.
LEGOLAS: I think we're lost.
GANDALF: Shut up, I know what I'm doing.
Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin are practising their sword skills.
MERRY: Take that! (Clang)
PIPPIN: Watch your head! (Swoosh)
LEGOLAS: (Suddenly looking up) What's that in the sky?
ARAGORN: It's a cloud, you moron.
FRODO: No it's not.
GANDALF: Spies of the enemy! Hide!
They dive into their hiding spots, as they'd done in their drills. The spies go over them, fly around a bit, and fly away.
MERRY: That was--
SAM: Shh!
-----
Caradhras
PIPPIN: I'm cold. Carry me, Boromir? (Batts eyelashes)
BOROMIR: Aww... how can I resist?
LEGOLAS: (To Gandalf) I'm hearing things.
ARAGORN: (Who overheard) Yeah, and I see dead people.
GANDALF: I have a plan B. Let's go to Moria if this doesn't work out, ok?
GIMLI: Sounds good to me. We can visit my cousin.
FRODO AND SAM: Noo......
-----
Holin's Gate
GANDALF: Dammit, I was never a good hacker.
MERRY: Just guess the password, ok? Pippin and I will throw stones in the lake to provoke any dangerous monsters.
ARAGORN: (To Boromir) You can put Pippin down now.
BOROMIR: But he's so cute!
GANDALF: Squishy watermelons... no, that's not it... loopy girdle-buns... no....
FRODO: What's the elvish word for friend?
GANDALF: Mellon...
The doors open.
MERRY: Big monster alert!!
A big octopus comes out of the water and snatches Frodo's ankle.
FRODO: Neep!
PIPPIN: This can't be good...
LEGOLAS: I'll save you! (Arrows fly)
ARAGORN: Careful not to hit the halfling!
BOROMIR: No! Hit him! I want his shiny magic ring!
-----
Moria
SAM: Roll call. Did we all make it in alive?
MERRY: Sam, last time you checked to see if we were all here, it didn't work.
GIMLI: Besides, it's pitch black in here.
GANDALF: I just happen to have a handy-dandy bright stone in my pocket, here.
The room lights up.
LEGOLAS: I'm so glad we're in a movie, where none of the main characters can die.
ARAGORN: Don't jinx it.
-----
Khazad-Dum
FRODO: God dammit, Pippin!
PIPPIN: This isn't my fault! It was Gandalf's idea to even come here!
GANDALF: Cross the bridge! Hurry!
BOROMIR: Why the bridge? What kind of bridge is this anyway?
ARAGORN: They might as well have just made it a tightrope.
LEGOLAS: We can get across.
MERRY: Easy for you to say. A few of us are a little overweight.
PIPPIN: Hey, who said we couldn't be carried over?
-----
Moria exit
SAM: You and your jinxes, Legolas.
Frodo runs up to Legolas and grabs his throat.
GIMLI: Stop it! All of you!
-----
Author's Note: To be continued later on... whew, that was a lot of writing.