Buffy hit her alarm clock so hard it shattered. Groaning, she lay back down and pulled the covers up over her face. She lost more clocks that way.
"Buffy, you up yet?"
Dawn. She wasn't ready to deal with her just now. She wasn't ready to deal with Dawn fullstop. It was just too hard. Everything was too hard. She thought she was over being back, but she wasn't. Being with Spike helped, but now that was over and she had to face the world alone. She was tired of being alone.
"Buffy?" Dawn yelled again. "You're gonna be late."
'Late for what?' Buffy thought as she dragged herself out of bed. Her oh so important job at the Doublemeat Palace? Without her maybe someone wouldn't die of a heart attack after eating that slop.
She looked in the mirror. Was this what her life had come to? Serving burgers to overweight losers, families with screaming kids or teenagers with a better future than she could ever dream of during the day and hanging out in cemetaries at night? Sleeping with someone she hated, a vampire no less, just so she could feel something, even if it was just temporarily, and even if it did nothing more than disgust her afterwards?
Then there were her friends...and Dawn.
Everything was a mess. Xander and Anya were still not talking which made things harder on the rest of them. Were they supposed to take sides or remain neutral? Even that was hard sometimes. They had history with Xander, but Anya had wormed her way into their circle and their hearts too. Willow and Tara were still not together, but they were at least communicating now. Maybe they'd work out their differences and things would go back to how they were, at least thats what Buffy hoped. Willow had been 'on the magic-wagon' for a while now, and although it was still hard for her, she was making the effort. It did help that she wasn't seeing the happiness of them every day though. She missed having someone in her life and she had found herself envying Willow for having Tara. Spike was hardly a 'someone' in her life. He was...just there. He understood what she had been through and what she felt better than anyone else. Maybe thats what drew her to him. She needed to have someone to talk to. Someone who understood and wouldn't be disturbed by how she was feeling. Someone who...loved her.
She shook her head, trying to dislodge that thought. Spike loved no-one. He was a souless monster incapable of any emotion or feeling. He just loved having power over her. She felt helpless to control herself in his presence and he knew all the right buttons to push. And he just loved to push them. It was over. Seeing Riley again had forced her to see things more clearly. What she and Spike had was wrong, and eventually, somehow, one of them would have to kill the other. They were natural enemies, even if Spike was under control now, he might not always be. It was better it ended now, before anyone else found out. She had to hold on to what little dignity she had left, even if it was only in her own eyes.
"BUFFY????"
Then there was Dawn.
Ever since their mother's death, things had gotten harder. Buffy was not only the slayer, she had taken on the role of mother to her sister. That was the hardest thing she had ever had to deal with. Give her demons or vampires or even a nice apocalypse over dealing with Dawn anyday. It wasn't just the shoplifting. That had been all sorted out and Dawn was working hard to pay Anya back, pay everyone back. She'd just become so whiney lately. Maybe it was just a reaction to Willow and Tara's breakup, or just a normal teenaged thing to go through. Either way, Buffy was at a loss with how to deal with her sometimes. Life had been so much easier before her.
She closed her eyes. Sometimes, if she listened hard enough, she thought she could still hear her mother's voice softly whispering to her. Softly begging her to come home.
But she was home...wasn't she?
She opened her eyes and took one last look at herself in the mirror. She looked so tired. Her eyes reflected a soul that had seen too much. Much more than someone her age should have seen.
"Oh good, you're up," said Dawn as she popped her head around the door. "I've been calling you for ages."
"Yes I'm up," Buffy replied.
"Great. I thought I'd walk to school with you this morning when you go to work and then after work, we can go shopping and buy that..."
Buffy tuned her out. She was still haunted by her mother's words...
"You don't have a sister..."
"Buffy, you up yet?"
Dawn. She wasn't ready to deal with her just now. She wasn't ready to deal with Dawn fullstop. It was just too hard. Everything was too hard. She thought she was over being back, but she wasn't. Being with Spike helped, but now that was over and she had to face the world alone. She was tired of being alone.
"Buffy?" Dawn yelled again. "You're gonna be late."
'Late for what?' Buffy thought as she dragged herself out of bed. Her oh so important job at the Doublemeat Palace? Without her maybe someone wouldn't die of a heart attack after eating that slop.
She looked in the mirror. Was this what her life had come to? Serving burgers to overweight losers, families with screaming kids or teenagers with a better future than she could ever dream of during the day and hanging out in cemetaries at night? Sleeping with someone she hated, a vampire no less, just so she could feel something, even if it was just temporarily, and even if it did nothing more than disgust her afterwards?
Then there were her friends...and Dawn.
Everything was a mess. Xander and Anya were still not talking which made things harder on the rest of them. Were they supposed to take sides or remain neutral? Even that was hard sometimes. They had history with Xander, but Anya had wormed her way into their circle and their hearts too. Willow and Tara were still not together, but they were at least communicating now. Maybe they'd work out their differences and things would go back to how they were, at least thats what Buffy hoped. Willow had been 'on the magic-wagon' for a while now, and although it was still hard for her, she was making the effort. It did help that she wasn't seeing the happiness of them every day though. She missed having someone in her life and she had found herself envying Willow for having Tara. Spike was hardly a 'someone' in her life. He was...just there. He understood what she had been through and what she felt better than anyone else. Maybe thats what drew her to him. She needed to have someone to talk to. Someone who understood and wouldn't be disturbed by how she was feeling. Someone who...loved her.
She shook her head, trying to dislodge that thought. Spike loved no-one. He was a souless monster incapable of any emotion or feeling. He just loved having power over her. She felt helpless to control herself in his presence and he knew all the right buttons to push. And he just loved to push them. It was over. Seeing Riley again had forced her to see things more clearly. What she and Spike had was wrong, and eventually, somehow, one of them would have to kill the other. They were natural enemies, even if Spike was under control now, he might not always be. It was better it ended now, before anyone else found out. She had to hold on to what little dignity she had left, even if it was only in her own eyes.
"BUFFY????"
Then there was Dawn.
Ever since their mother's death, things had gotten harder. Buffy was not only the slayer, she had taken on the role of mother to her sister. That was the hardest thing she had ever had to deal with. Give her demons or vampires or even a nice apocalypse over dealing with Dawn anyday. It wasn't just the shoplifting. That had been all sorted out and Dawn was working hard to pay Anya back, pay everyone back. She'd just become so whiney lately. Maybe it was just a reaction to Willow and Tara's breakup, or just a normal teenaged thing to go through. Either way, Buffy was at a loss with how to deal with her sometimes. Life had been so much easier before her.
She closed her eyes. Sometimes, if she listened hard enough, she thought she could still hear her mother's voice softly whispering to her. Softly begging her to come home.
But she was home...wasn't she?
She opened her eyes and took one last look at herself in the mirror. She looked so tired. Her eyes reflected a soul that had seen too much. Much more than someone her age should have seen.
"Oh good, you're up," said Dawn as she popped her head around the door. "I've been calling you for ages."
"Yes I'm up," Buffy replied.
"Great. I thought I'd walk to school with you this morning when you go to work and then after work, we can go shopping and buy that..."
Buffy tuned her out. She was still haunted by her mother's words...
"You don't have a sister..."