CHAPTER TWO

Bored and pensive Nobunaga Kiyota stared unblinkingly at the calendar hanging on the door of his room. It was January 1, the first day of the year. He just finished conversing with his mom and dad on the phone from some far away nowhereness and was now sitting like a well-built and long-haired Buddha on his bed, staring like nothing at today's goddamn date.

Ch! Why do I even bother? He stretched himself out on the soft cushion, arms and legs in spread-eagle. Why did he always have to think of that guy whenever it was the first of January? There were a lot of other things to bother about than his past with that guy. He should be thinking of his future. Of working harder to become the district's number one rookie, and thus defeating Shohoku High's Kaede Rukawa…

Nobunaga suddenly sprung to his butt and grunted. Hell! It was happening again. Now there was no escaping the haunting memories of the childhood friendship he shared with that guy. That cocky airhead. That… that creep!

He sighed and hugged his knees to his chest. "Kaede Rukawa." The name felt strange to his tongue. As though it was some foreign words he had never encountered before. It made him feel strange, also. Just the mere thought of it was enough to stir something in him that he had long been holding back. That he had been trying to ignore for a long time. Something that made him feel light yet at the same time embarrassed…

"Kaede Rukawa," he muttered absently. "Rukawa. Rukawa. Rukawa." He could feel his heart pounding madly inside his chest as he went on muttering that guy's name. He didn't know what was making him do this, but he knew it was torturing him like hell.

Or perhaps, even worse…

"Why do you have to be everything that I am not?" his own angry voice from years ago rang in his ears. He could still vividly remember the look of pain in the frail kid's face, red and bleeding from all the cuffs and back-handed slaps he had delivered to it.

"Nobu-chan…" The kid's voice was small and imploring, but he didn't let it sway his heart. Instead, his angry fist shot out once more and knocked the kneeling kid to the ground. His vindictive foot kicked him on the stomach several times until he was coughing out a pool of blood on the snow.

He had said a lot of curses and thoughtless maledictions to the sobbing kid, not letting him explain his side. He had even spit on his face and grimly vowed, "Someday, I will be better than you are, Rukawa!" before running off, leaving the frail form of his former buddy writhing and sniffling on the biting snow.

Nobunaga felt his eyes begin to water. He could not forget the pained look on that guy's face when he called him "Rukawa". If he had only listened. If he had only reined in his anger and let his Kae-chan explain. If he had only believed him when he said he didn't kiss that girl.

If he had only…

He buried his face to his knees and wheezed. He had been so easily blinded by jealousy when Reiko told him how much she liked Rukawa that his world abruptly stopped turning and everything else just lost its importance.

"Why?" His voice sounded pathetically small as he fought back the flood of tears struggling to escape his eyes. "W-What does he have that I don't have?"

"A handsome face, for one," Reiko replied coolly, not even a slight bit affected by his obvious agony. "And he's actually sexy. And a basketball ace. And… And…" A wide, dreamy smile stretched her lips and blood rose to her cheeks as she added, "And he's a great kisser."

Present day Nobunaga raised his head and looked at the wall as a pair of scorching tears rushed down his cheeks. "Bitch." The word fitted that girl as though it was made for the sole purpose of describing her. That goddamn liar! That whore! If he had only realized the kind of girl she was soon enough, he would've been able to straighten things up between him and Kae-chan.

But shouldn't he have known that Kae-chan was innocent? Shouldn't he have trusted him more than he did that girl, to think that they've practically been together all their lives?

Didn't Kae-chan know how much he—fat, little Nobunaga—loved that girl to even think of touching her? He should've known that all along. Or, upon realizing it, he should've at least felt sorry. But he didn't. Or didn't he?

He reached back and pulled out a slightly creased picture from under his pillow. That of him as a plump ten-year-old and that guy…

It was taken on their last happy afternoon together, five years ago. Two days before the violent incident that had estranged them from each other for this long…

"Nobunaga-kun, is this really you?" Soichiro Jin, his senpai and close friend, exclaimed when he showed him the picture about a couple of weeks ago. "Wow! I can tell you've been working pretty hard." He frowned and scrutinized the other kid. The frail, flushing kid he held in his arms by the neck. "He looks familiar…"

"He was my best buddy," he simply said in a quiet voice.

"Kaede Rukawa?" Jin asked in slight shock. "This is him, ne, Nobunaga-kun?

He simply nodded and bit his lip as tears began to well up in his eyes.

"Well, what do you know," Jin remarked under his breath. Then, turning to him asked in a prodding, yet calm voice. "Wanna talk about it?"

That was exactly the reason why he had invited the older guy over. He needed someone to talk it over with. He had been bottling it all up behind his loud, cocky façade for so long that he felt like he could never survive another day without letting it all out.

So, he told Jin-san everything. Everything about him and Rukawa. From the first time he saw him at the school ground, bleeding and badly beaten up from fighting with those bullies, to when he left him in the same condition five years ago…

"That was rude. Why did you do it?" Jin asked.

"I—I was so angry," he sobbed, his voice catching in his throat as bitter tears formed two winding rivers down his cheeks.

"With whom?"

He turned a slightly perplexed look at his senpai and replied a bit doubtfully, "Rukawa? Am I not supposed to be angry with him?"

"You're right." Jin raised a scrutinizing eyebrow. "But are you sure it was anger…?"

"Uh, yes?" He raised his brows in slight uncertainty. "I was jealous." How else could he have felt?

"Over what?"

"B-Because I thought he really kissed her." He felt very much like he was being taunted, and it annoyed him.

"I see." Jin sighed, stood up and walked to the window as he gradually began to doubt the idea of telling his senpai everything. He was almost afraid the older guy was about to laugh to his face and tell him how stupid and senseless it all was. He was so filled with this thought that he was practically startled when Jin suddenly spoke with an air of empathy, and the bearing of a person who had confidence in what he was about to say. "Sometimes we feel this strong, overwhelming emotion over something—or someone and feel so sure that that's exactly how we feel; when in truth, we actually feel the complete opposite."

"Eh?" The words completely went pass Kiyota's head.

"It may come naturally or we make ourselves feel it by force. All for the purpose of keeping ourselves from realizing something that might hurt us more."

"What could've hurt me more?" he asked.

Jin turned to him and said. "I know how it feels. I've been in the same situation." Kiyota just simply stared dumfoundedly at his senpai as the latter went on. "Have you heard of that saying about fear being the opposite of love?"

"Is it?"

"Were you not at that time afraid of losing someone special, but was just too proud to admit it even to yourself?"

"I just lost her…"

Jin shook his head slowly and sat down beside him on the bed. "I wasn't talking about her. I was talking about him." He pointed to the grimacing kid in the picture. "Think about it. Didn't losing him hurt you more than losing her?"

He stared at the frail kid in the picture, "He's a shit."

"Yes. Yes." Jin, this time pointed to the plump kid with the wide smile. "But this kid here sure thinks differently."

He gazed at his own image and felt his heart jump a bit. Then it jumped again. And again. Until it was rampaging madly around his chest. The same way it did on that day he held Kae-chan close to him like he didn't ever want to let go. The warmth of the other boy's body pressed against him made him feel light and happy. And strange.

It was a good thing he was all flushed up or his face would've told of something he knew he could never let Kae-chan know in a million years…

The thought of it now brought more tears to Kiyota's eyes. Jin-san was right. Losing Kae-chan hurt him more than anything else. But he had been too afraid to admit it. Instead, he chose to bury it deep into a hole of pretense and covered it richly with an inclination to rival Rukawa every single chance he got. He had made it all too obvious that he hated the guy to the deepest hell. He had been treating him like an enemy, an adversary when in truth—

When in truth...

"He might not feel the same for me," he said bitterly as he passed his arm through his teary eyes, feeling slightly annoyed that he was beginning to look like a pathetic kid in front of his senpai and there was nothing he could do about it.

"How can you be sure if you don't let him know?" Jin said, rubbing his back comfortingly.

"He might laugh at me."

"Rukawa, laughing? Are you kidding me?"

"I'm serious, Jin-san!" he cried, causing Jin to choke back the rest of his chuckles. "He might think I'm stupid! He might think it's crap! He might think…"

"Have you ever noticed how drawn he is to that red-haired, Sakuragi?" Jin gently cut in, putting on a pensive look while resting his chin upon his fist. "It's not really easy to notice, but I see it."

Of course, smart and observant Jin-san always saw everything that a simple-minded guy like him could hardly catch a glimpse of. "Wh-What do you mean?"

"He's everything that you are, except that he's red-haired. I think Rukawa-kun sees you in him."

"Wh-What…?"

"It means he still feels for loud and boisterous monkeys!"

"JIN-SAN!" he snarled, but was instantly pacified when he saw the earnest look wash over his senpai's face. It was the very look that made him decide to tell this guy everything. He knew if there was anyone who could understand him, and help him sort out his confused thoughts, it's got to be his Jin-senpai. He felt he just had to believe everything that the man said—and that's not excluding the underhanded joke about Sakuragi!

"Calm down, Nobunaga-kun. What I'm trying to say is that he might feel the same for you. You should at least give it a try."

Present day Nobunaga sighed loudly and brushed the back of his hand across his tear-streaked face. He had been thinking hard about it. Night and day he thought of the right way, the right words to say to Kae-chan. But he still felt uncertain and hesitant...

And too afraid to know the truth.

He rested his chin on his knees and closed his eyes, conjuring up an image of the Rukawa he saw on the court a few months back when their teams competed for the Inter-High District finals. The creep was still curt and reserved, pale and lean… yet sexy and gorgeous through and through.

He had noticed the look of slight shock in Rukawa's eyes when they looked at each other, but which the taller guy was so quick to dismiss into his usual cold gaze. He had wanted to say his apologies right then and there, but his pride won over and instead got him vowing, "I definitely won't lose to you," side by side with the red-haired monkey.

Rukawa had looked scathed. Or had he? It was hard to tell from that deadpan look he always masked his face with. Why did even that have to look so goddamn handsome? He actually had trouble keeping himself from staring at him, feeling for him, and wanting him. But it was a feeling too weird to be acknowledged that he opted instead to hide it underneath a thick pile of pretentious hatred—like what he had been doing all these years…

He almost lost this guise when after performing a forceful dunk, his Kae-chan collapsed from exhaustion right in front of him. He had wanted to touch him then. Hug him and tell him that everything was gonna be okay. Then carry him home on his back and promise him he would never ever leave him again.

Not that he would really be able to do so now that Kae-chan was taller than him.

But still, as he watched him panting on the floor as though he would never get up anymore, Nobunaga had wanted to do something. Something to let Kae-chan know he was beside him…

"Do you love me?" the timid, little voice suddenly filled his ears and snapped his eyes open.

"Yes, of course," his own voice, full of assurance and affection followed. He stared at the picture in his hand and gradually let a smile touch his lips. He then turned his gaze outside the window and saw that snowflakes were profusely pouring once again.

He must be feeling really cold right now…

tbc