DISCLAIMER: Gravitation and its characters are not mine.
Forging a Link
Chapter 2
No matter how many times I saw it, I was surprised by the transformation. In front of a keyboard, Seguchi turned from a quiet, unassuming man to a brightly shining star. It was different from the piano, where he became part of the instrument to produce melancholic tones that were as beautiful as they were sad.
Instead, he commanded total attention, the keyboard falling back simply as a prop for his charisma and showmanship. He exuded confidence as he danced his fingers nimbly across the keys, foot tapping and eyes rapidly shifting over the music sheets to keep up with the fast beat.
While I had no musical ability myself, I still appreciated the beauty of what he was creating. Like writing, the passion came from the soul. It was wrapped in innate skill, taped together with years of dedicated practice, ribboned with his unique style, and presented in a densely-packed burst of creative energy.
Listening to him play was second only to watching Yuki write. Both were so talented in their own ways, standing on the brink of genuis while I could only watch from the sidelines.
It was amazing. It was humbling.
The song came to an end. Clapping enthusiastically, I bounced out of my seat to his side.
"That was great!" I declared. "You should become a performer, Seguchi-niisan. You're waaay better than those groups you produce!"
He started, as if he had forgotten I was there, and I chuckled. How cute. Yuki was often the same way when he got lost in his writing.
He pounced and began tickling me mercilessly, something he never would have dared before. But ever since our talk, when he had offered to be my oniisan, things had gotten a lot less formal and distant between us. It was fun having someone to romp around, and there was none of that bashfulness I inevitably felt around Yuki.
"Ah, but then I'd be moving around on tour and wouldn't get to see you, would I?" Seguchi countered as he sat on me, pinning me down. I writhed around on the floor, gasping and giggling while trying to escape those fingers.
"I could be your groupie," I managed out between giggles. Already, he had discovered how ticklish my ribs were and was exploiting that knowledge to his fullest. "Follow you around and beat up rival groups' fans."
Seguchi stopped and studied me seriously, brushing stray locks of hair out of my eyes. "Would you really," he uttered in low tones, "be willing to come with me wherever I go?"
"Uh... un..." I agreed uncertainly, confused by the sudden heavy mood.
We stayed like that for a few seconds longer, me flat on my back and him on top of me. In the silence, I became acutely aware how heavy his body was and squirmed.
He didn't seem to notice my discomfort. He cupped the side of my face, tilting his head slightly to study at me from this new angle as his eyes shone with some unreadable emotion.
"Um, I should go meet Yuki soon," I meeped quietly as I averted my gaze from his intense eyes. It was so weird how he was just staring at me, as if fascinated by the details of my face. It wasn't like he's never seen me before.
At the sound of Yuki's name, he jerked back.
"Ah yes, that's right." He flashed me one of his usual smiles as he pushed himself off and stood, sweeping imaginary dust off his clothes. I scrambled up, baffled by his odd behavior.
"Are you planning on leaving New York?" I asked timidly.
"No, we're staying here for a good while longer," he reassured and I breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't ready to go back yet. I wasn't sure I'd ever want to go back. But still, something was going on in his mind.
A stray comment from the other night clicked into place.
"How about that group you've been working on? Nittle Grasper?" I asked frantically. The delight he'd shown when he had talked about them seemed all too threatening now. "Didn't you say they were almost ready for their debut in Japan?"
"They'll be assigned a new producer when they go over." He caught my hands and squeezed lightly. "There's no need to worry, Eiri. Really."
It was an automatic reflex to ask why he wouldn't be going along as well. So many nights I've seen him toiling over the promotionals, smoothing the path toward their success. He said himself how this could be the group, the one that'd break past the ordinary and become a legend. Why would he pass on that to stay here?
But I clamped down on my curiosity. As long as I didn't ask, it would be okay. Seguchi was the grown-up and he knew what he was doing. And horribly selfish as it may be, I didn't want to bring up any questions that would cause him to doubt and rethink his decision to stay.
You wanted to understand him, didn't you? another part of me piped up. The opportunity is here, to learn more straight from the source. Will you really be satisfied with vague impressions and second-hand guesses from Yuki?
All I needed to do was ask. One simple word, really. Why?
"Am I interrupting something?"
Relieved, I whirled around. "Yuki!" I exclaimed as I rushed toward him, perhaps a notch too happily. I couldn't control the unhealthy red flush that crept up my face. It was bad enough that I couldn't control the squeak in my voice, but did it have to be in front of Seguchi?
"What are you doing here?" I added, hoping it wasn't too obvious how I felt about him. Seguchi didn't know about my feelings and considering how much the two didn't get along, I wasn't sure how he'd react. In fact, this was the first time I've seen the two together.
"I'm glad to see you, too," Yuki faked a hurt tone.
I lowered my voice. "It's not that I'm not happy to see you but I thought we were supposed to meet at the library."
Yuki ruffled my hair. "I knew you'd be here so I decided to come pick you up." He looked past me toward Seguchi. "And I had something I wanted to discuss with Tohma."
"Oh?" One fine blond brow lifted. "And what would this be regarding?"
Yuki drew himself up and crossed his arms defensively. "I'd prefer we talk in private."
Seguchi sighed, as if he knew what was coming and didn't like it. "Eiri, why don't you wait out in the lobby?" he suggested. "And Kitazawa-san will join you when we're through."
Unwillingly I left, closing the door behind me. I leaned against it as I pondered what they could be talking about. About me, that much was for sure, but I couldn't recall falling behind in schoolwork or getting into any kind of trouble that would necessitate a conference between the two.
My mouth went dry as I remembered kissing Yuki. He wouldn't be telling Seguchi that, would he? Despite his friendly greeting, maybe Yuki was disgusted underneath and couldn't stand to be around me. Maybe he hated me and saw me as an annoyance that he could no longer put up with, but was too polite to tell me directly.
What would Seguchi think? Would he be appalled by the news that I wasn't normal? That I was not only attracted to other males, but to my tutor? He might decide that I was no longer worth the trouble and send me back home. He'd tell Father what a sick little boy he had for a son and Father would hate me even more than he did now.
No! I couldn't let that happen!
Panicked, I put my ear to the door but couldn't hear even muffled conversation through the soundproofed doors. I scanned the hall, not sure what I was looking for until I saw it.
The shiny gold plaque of the next door declared it to be the control room, hopefully for the recording studio Yuki and Seguchi were in. The door was unlocked and I slipped in, reaching over to flip on the light switch.
Through the one-way mirror, I had a perfect view of the room. Seguchi sat in front of the keyboard, hands depressing the keys inaudibly. I scanned his face for any sign of disapproval or revulsion but with him, it was impossible to tell. He looked utterly calm. Yuki was easier to read. He was upset and very much so. I winced as he slammed both hands down on the edge of the keyboard, forcing Seguchi to look up. Mild annoyance etched his features as Yuki continued to talk passionately. That was enough to tell me Seguchi was upset as well.
It took too long to locate the switch that gave me audio access to the studio. I flipped it on, knowing I shouldn't be eavesdropping but justifying it because I had a right to know what was being said about me. What I heard was the least of what I expected.
"I don't care about any of that, Tohma—"
"But I do," Seguchi cut in sharply. "It's my life and frankly, I'm through with you."
Yuki laughed humorlessly. "You think you can use me and throw me away like some toy you get bored with? Do you have fun screwing people over? Do you think other people don't have emotions just because you happen to be a cold-hearted bastard?"
He got angrier as Seguchi sat there, indifferent to his accusations.
"God, you don't even care! Will you use Eiri like you did me and toss him away without so much as a warning?"
Green eyes flashed dangerously. "Eiri is a different case," Seguchi bit out. "He's important to me."
"And I'm not?"
Seguchi stood up abruptly and met his gaze levelly. "No."
Yuki stumbled back, as if he had been slapped. The tension in the air was palpable as the two faced each other down.
"Now if that was all."
Yuki grabbed onto Seguchi's arm to prevent him from leaving. "Y-you can't mean what you said," he choked out, voice slightly husky.
Coolly, Seguchi shook him off. "Unless it's about Eiri's schooling, we have nothing more to talk about."
"TOHMA!"
I watched in fascinated horror as Yuki embraced Seguchi's stiff figure. "I still love you. No matter what cruel things you say to push me away, I won't hold it against you. I love you too much for that."
For a second, it looked like Seguchi would push him away, but then, he sighed and wrapped his arms around Yuki to return the hug.
"Why are you making this so hard?" he asked gently, aloof manner disappearing as he stroked Yuki's back. "It won't work. Eiri—"
"—can learn to accept us," Yuki retorted. "He's not some fragile piece of glass you have to shelter. He's a lot stronger than you give him credit for."
Seguchi remained silent.
"Please, Tohma... these past months without you have been torture. I know there isn't anyone else. Eiri tells me you haven't so much as gone out on a date."
"He doesn't know everything that I do," he responded mildly.
"Have you?" Yuki pressed, holding his breath for the answer.
"No," Seguchi reluctantly admitted.
That seemed to be the sign and Yuki kissed him. It was a hungry, consuming kiss filled with passion, one that I'd hoped to receive myself. But it wasn't me he was kissing, not me he was pushing up against the wall. Blonde hair other than my own met the wall and fanned out in all directions.
"This is a bad idea," Seguchi murmured. Yet, he didn't stop the increasingly aggressive kisses and responded in kind, hands slipping beneath Yuki's shirt with a familiarity that sickened me. It was when Yuki knelt down and started unbuckling Seguchi's belt that I couldn't bear it anymore.
I stumbled out of the room, wanting to get away from that scene.
I should have seen it coming. Not even my own father wanted me so how could someone like Yuki? He was much better off with someone like Seguchi, who was actually worth loving. Seguchi wasn't selfish like me, or stupid and inept at expressing himself. He didn't demand all of his time and attention and then bore him with immature thoughts. No, Seguchi was self-confident, composed, sophisticated, successful, talented, good-looking... why did he have to be so perfect? Why couldn't I be like him, so that Yuki would love me, too?
I ran down the hallway blinded with tear-filled eyes, and knocked into someone. The other person gripped my shoulders and steadied me, preventing me from falling.
"Sumimasen," I mumbled, too distraught to realize not everyone at the studio would speak Japanese.
"Oh? He looks just like a little Tohma!" the person remarked, not letting go.
Blinking back tears, I looked up to see a green-haired man beaming down at me. Although we had never met, I recognized him immediately from the posters that Seguchi had shown me. If he was Sakuma Ryuichi, the main vocalist for Nittle Grasper, that would make the woman next to him...
"Isn't he cute, Nori-chan?" he exclaimed, turning to his companion and shaking me in his excitement.
"I think you're scaring him, Ryu-chan," Ukai Noriko replied teasingly, making the other pout.
"No, I'm not! Am I?" he addressed me, hunching down so he was at eye level.
"You look sad," he mourned, eyes turning big and watery in sympathy. "That makes me sad, too!" he wailed, burying his face in my chest and actually starting to cry. I could swear he chibified and my shirt was starting to get pretty drenched.
Wiping my eyes quickly, I shook my head in denial. "I'm not sad!" I insisted. He looked skeptical, lower lip still quivering. I smiled widely enough for my cheek muscles to hurt. "See, happy."
"Waii~!! You look even more like Tohma!" He was about to glomp onto me when Ukai-san caught him by his hair and pulled him back.
"Thank you," I said gratefully.
She produced a lollipop from her purse and Sakuma-san's eyes sparkled. He seemed to forget about me as he took it from her, unwrapped it, and sucked on it with utmost reverence. Ukai-san turned back to me.
"You're Eiri-kun, aren't you? Tohma's ward?"
I nodded.
"Tohma's quite fond of you," she stated matter-of-factly. "He's told us quite a bit about your family and background."
I looked away, remembering why I had been running out here in the first place. It might seem unreasonable but I felt betrayed, by two people I thought I could trust.
It just wasn't fair that they'd kept this hidden from me. It wasn't fair how I had to find out the hard way, after I had already fallen for Yuki, and fallen hard. It wasn't fair that Yuki rejected me for Seguchi, who didn't even recognize how precious Yuki's love was. It wasn't fair that they had met first, and I had never stood a chance.
"Do you know where Tohma is? We're supposed to meet with him now," Ukai-san was saying as she twisted Sakuma-san's wrist to check the time on his watch. He whined a bit around his mouthful of candy.
"I think he're busy," I said bluntly, before remembering my manners. "Please excuse me."
I hurried down the hall and into the lobby, with Sakuma-san calling out, "Bye, little Tohma~!" after me.
Little Tohma indeed.
The time ticked by slowly as I waited on one of the benches just inside the building. It seemed like an eternity had passed before Yuki sauntered out, hands in his pocket and a rueful grin on his face.
"Sorry, kid. It took longer than I expected."
I took in his appearance mutely, noting the new wrinkles in his clothes and the mussed condition of hand-combed hair. Little differences that I might have ordinarily overlooked seemed too obvious now. Doubtless, there had been other times that I had missed because I had been too innocent to realize when it meant. The thought was enough to make me sick.
"Eiri, are you okay? You look pale." Worry swept over him and a frown replaced that happy smirk. He felt my forehead, smoothing back my hair and peering into my eyes. "You don't seem to have a fever."
I looked up and into his liquid brown eyes. If I stared long enough, I could pretend that the concern I saw meant more than what it really was. I could pretend that he loved me, not as a little brother figure, but as a lover.
But I'd just be lying to myself.
"I just need to rest for a minute," I murmured.
"Take your time. I'll get you something to drink." He jogged off toward one of the vending machines and I stared down at my legs. They dangled off the bench like lifeless stumps, my shoes scraping across the polished floor as they moved of their own accord.
I wouldn't say anything, I resolved. I'd keep quiet what I saw and pretend like it never happened. On the outside, at least, I'll become the same happy, naive little Eiri I've always been.
Something cold was pressed against my hand. I redirected my gaze to the can of peach-flavored drink, too weary to do anything but hold onto it.
Yuki took it back and popped the tab off before placing it back in my listless hands.
I gazed down at it without drinking, deep in thought.
"Eiri, is everything okay?"
It wasn't his fault, I reasoned. He couldn't help being in love any more than I could. And it wasn't like he hadn't warned me. He had been honest from the start. There was nothing left to do but deal with it and forget my feelings. He cared for me and although it wasn't the way I wanted, it was something. That was enough, wasn't it?
"Eiri, talk to me."
I slowly lifted a hand to my lips, letting my tongue flick out to moisten the tips of my index and middle finger. Ignoring his startled look, I swiped the wet digits along his bottom lip and then brought them back to my own mouth. I closed my eyes to shut off the sense and sucked deliberately.
That foreign taste... It wasn't Yuki.
Disappointed, I took a swig of the drink, letting the fruity taste wash away the bitterness.
"You taste different."
Like him.
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. "I hate you."
I ran then, pushing past him and out the glass doors, fleeing from my nightmare.
tbc...
----------
August 13, 2002
Chapter 2
No matter how many times I saw it, I was surprised by the transformation. In front of a keyboard, Seguchi turned from a quiet, unassuming man to a brightly shining star. It was different from the piano, where he became part of the instrument to produce melancholic tones that were as beautiful as they were sad.
Instead, he commanded total attention, the keyboard falling back simply as a prop for his charisma and showmanship. He exuded confidence as he danced his fingers nimbly across the keys, foot tapping and eyes rapidly shifting over the music sheets to keep up with the fast beat.
While I had no musical ability myself, I still appreciated the beauty of what he was creating. Like writing, the passion came from the soul. It was wrapped in innate skill, taped together with years of dedicated practice, ribboned with his unique style, and presented in a densely-packed burst of creative energy.
Listening to him play was second only to watching Yuki write. Both were so talented in their own ways, standing on the brink of genuis while I could only watch from the sidelines.
It was amazing. It was humbling.
The song came to an end. Clapping enthusiastically, I bounced out of my seat to his side.
"That was great!" I declared. "You should become a performer, Seguchi-niisan. You're waaay better than those groups you produce!"
He started, as if he had forgotten I was there, and I chuckled. How cute. Yuki was often the same way when he got lost in his writing.
He pounced and began tickling me mercilessly, something he never would have dared before. But ever since our talk, when he had offered to be my oniisan, things had gotten a lot less formal and distant between us. It was fun having someone to romp around, and there was none of that bashfulness I inevitably felt around Yuki.
"Ah, but then I'd be moving around on tour and wouldn't get to see you, would I?" Seguchi countered as he sat on me, pinning me down. I writhed around on the floor, gasping and giggling while trying to escape those fingers.
"I could be your groupie," I managed out between giggles. Already, he had discovered how ticklish my ribs were and was exploiting that knowledge to his fullest. "Follow you around and beat up rival groups' fans."
Seguchi stopped and studied me seriously, brushing stray locks of hair out of my eyes. "Would you really," he uttered in low tones, "be willing to come with me wherever I go?"
"Uh... un..." I agreed uncertainly, confused by the sudden heavy mood.
We stayed like that for a few seconds longer, me flat on my back and him on top of me. In the silence, I became acutely aware how heavy his body was and squirmed.
He didn't seem to notice my discomfort. He cupped the side of my face, tilting his head slightly to study at me from this new angle as his eyes shone with some unreadable emotion.
"Um, I should go meet Yuki soon," I meeped quietly as I averted my gaze from his intense eyes. It was so weird how he was just staring at me, as if fascinated by the details of my face. It wasn't like he's never seen me before.
At the sound of Yuki's name, he jerked back.
"Ah yes, that's right." He flashed me one of his usual smiles as he pushed himself off and stood, sweeping imaginary dust off his clothes. I scrambled up, baffled by his odd behavior.
"Are you planning on leaving New York?" I asked timidly.
"No, we're staying here for a good while longer," he reassured and I breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't ready to go back yet. I wasn't sure I'd ever want to go back. But still, something was going on in his mind.
A stray comment from the other night clicked into place.
"How about that group you've been working on? Nittle Grasper?" I asked frantically. The delight he'd shown when he had talked about them seemed all too threatening now. "Didn't you say they were almost ready for their debut in Japan?"
"They'll be assigned a new producer when they go over." He caught my hands and squeezed lightly. "There's no need to worry, Eiri. Really."
It was an automatic reflex to ask why he wouldn't be going along as well. So many nights I've seen him toiling over the promotionals, smoothing the path toward their success. He said himself how this could be the group, the one that'd break past the ordinary and become a legend. Why would he pass on that to stay here?
But I clamped down on my curiosity. As long as I didn't ask, it would be okay. Seguchi was the grown-up and he knew what he was doing. And horribly selfish as it may be, I didn't want to bring up any questions that would cause him to doubt and rethink his decision to stay.
You wanted to understand him, didn't you? another part of me piped up. The opportunity is here, to learn more straight from the source. Will you really be satisfied with vague impressions and second-hand guesses from Yuki?
All I needed to do was ask. One simple word, really. Why?
"Am I interrupting something?"
Relieved, I whirled around. "Yuki!" I exclaimed as I rushed toward him, perhaps a notch too happily. I couldn't control the unhealthy red flush that crept up my face. It was bad enough that I couldn't control the squeak in my voice, but did it have to be in front of Seguchi?
"What are you doing here?" I added, hoping it wasn't too obvious how I felt about him. Seguchi didn't know about my feelings and considering how much the two didn't get along, I wasn't sure how he'd react. In fact, this was the first time I've seen the two together.
"I'm glad to see you, too," Yuki faked a hurt tone.
I lowered my voice. "It's not that I'm not happy to see you but I thought we were supposed to meet at the library."
Yuki ruffled my hair. "I knew you'd be here so I decided to come pick you up." He looked past me toward Seguchi. "And I had something I wanted to discuss with Tohma."
"Oh?" One fine blond brow lifted. "And what would this be regarding?"
Yuki drew himself up and crossed his arms defensively. "I'd prefer we talk in private."
Seguchi sighed, as if he knew what was coming and didn't like it. "Eiri, why don't you wait out in the lobby?" he suggested. "And Kitazawa-san will join you when we're through."
Unwillingly I left, closing the door behind me. I leaned against it as I pondered what they could be talking about. About me, that much was for sure, but I couldn't recall falling behind in schoolwork or getting into any kind of trouble that would necessitate a conference between the two.
My mouth went dry as I remembered kissing Yuki. He wouldn't be telling Seguchi that, would he? Despite his friendly greeting, maybe Yuki was disgusted underneath and couldn't stand to be around me. Maybe he hated me and saw me as an annoyance that he could no longer put up with, but was too polite to tell me directly.
What would Seguchi think? Would he be appalled by the news that I wasn't normal? That I was not only attracted to other males, but to my tutor? He might decide that I was no longer worth the trouble and send me back home. He'd tell Father what a sick little boy he had for a son and Father would hate me even more than he did now.
No! I couldn't let that happen!
Panicked, I put my ear to the door but couldn't hear even muffled conversation through the soundproofed doors. I scanned the hall, not sure what I was looking for until I saw it.
The shiny gold plaque of the next door declared it to be the control room, hopefully for the recording studio Yuki and Seguchi were in. The door was unlocked and I slipped in, reaching over to flip on the light switch.
Through the one-way mirror, I had a perfect view of the room. Seguchi sat in front of the keyboard, hands depressing the keys inaudibly. I scanned his face for any sign of disapproval or revulsion but with him, it was impossible to tell. He looked utterly calm. Yuki was easier to read. He was upset and very much so. I winced as he slammed both hands down on the edge of the keyboard, forcing Seguchi to look up. Mild annoyance etched his features as Yuki continued to talk passionately. That was enough to tell me Seguchi was upset as well.
It took too long to locate the switch that gave me audio access to the studio. I flipped it on, knowing I shouldn't be eavesdropping but justifying it because I had a right to know what was being said about me. What I heard was the least of what I expected.
"I don't care about any of that, Tohma—"
"But I do," Seguchi cut in sharply. "It's my life and frankly, I'm through with you."
Yuki laughed humorlessly. "You think you can use me and throw me away like some toy you get bored with? Do you have fun screwing people over? Do you think other people don't have emotions just because you happen to be a cold-hearted bastard?"
He got angrier as Seguchi sat there, indifferent to his accusations.
"God, you don't even care! Will you use Eiri like you did me and toss him away without so much as a warning?"
Green eyes flashed dangerously. "Eiri is a different case," Seguchi bit out. "He's important to me."
"And I'm not?"
Seguchi stood up abruptly and met his gaze levelly. "No."
Yuki stumbled back, as if he had been slapped. The tension in the air was palpable as the two faced each other down.
"Now if that was all."
Yuki grabbed onto Seguchi's arm to prevent him from leaving. "Y-you can't mean what you said," he choked out, voice slightly husky.
Coolly, Seguchi shook him off. "Unless it's about Eiri's schooling, we have nothing more to talk about."
"TOHMA!"
I watched in fascinated horror as Yuki embraced Seguchi's stiff figure. "I still love you. No matter what cruel things you say to push me away, I won't hold it against you. I love you too much for that."
For a second, it looked like Seguchi would push him away, but then, he sighed and wrapped his arms around Yuki to return the hug.
"Why are you making this so hard?" he asked gently, aloof manner disappearing as he stroked Yuki's back. "It won't work. Eiri—"
"—can learn to accept us," Yuki retorted. "He's not some fragile piece of glass you have to shelter. He's a lot stronger than you give him credit for."
Seguchi remained silent.
"Please, Tohma... these past months without you have been torture. I know there isn't anyone else. Eiri tells me you haven't so much as gone out on a date."
"He doesn't know everything that I do," he responded mildly.
"Have you?" Yuki pressed, holding his breath for the answer.
"No," Seguchi reluctantly admitted.
That seemed to be the sign and Yuki kissed him. It was a hungry, consuming kiss filled with passion, one that I'd hoped to receive myself. But it wasn't me he was kissing, not me he was pushing up against the wall. Blonde hair other than my own met the wall and fanned out in all directions.
"This is a bad idea," Seguchi murmured. Yet, he didn't stop the increasingly aggressive kisses and responded in kind, hands slipping beneath Yuki's shirt with a familiarity that sickened me. It was when Yuki knelt down and started unbuckling Seguchi's belt that I couldn't bear it anymore.
I stumbled out of the room, wanting to get away from that scene.
I should have seen it coming. Not even my own father wanted me so how could someone like Yuki? He was much better off with someone like Seguchi, who was actually worth loving. Seguchi wasn't selfish like me, or stupid and inept at expressing himself. He didn't demand all of his time and attention and then bore him with immature thoughts. No, Seguchi was self-confident, composed, sophisticated, successful, talented, good-looking... why did he have to be so perfect? Why couldn't I be like him, so that Yuki would love me, too?
I ran down the hallway blinded with tear-filled eyes, and knocked into someone. The other person gripped my shoulders and steadied me, preventing me from falling.
"Sumimasen," I mumbled, too distraught to realize not everyone at the studio would speak Japanese.
"Oh? He looks just like a little Tohma!" the person remarked, not letting go.
Blinking back tears, I looked up to see a green-haired man beaming down at me. Although we had never met, I recognized him immediately from the posters that Seguchi had shown me. If he was Sakuma Ryuichi, the main vocalist for Nittle Grasper, that would make the woman next to him...
"Isn't he cute, Nori-chan?" he exclaimed, turning to his companion and shaking me in his excitement.
"I think you're scaring him, Ryu-chan," Ukai Noriko replied teasingly, making the other pout.
"No, I'm not! Am I?" he addressed me, hunching down so he was at eye level.
"You look sad," he mourned, eyes turning big and watery in sympathy. "That makes me sad, too!" he wailed, burying his face in my chest and actually starting to cry. I could swear he chibified and my shirt was starting to get pretty drenched.
Wiping my eyes quickly, I shook my head in denial. "I'm not sad!" I insisted. He looked skeptical, lower lip still quivering. I smiled widely enough for my cheek muscles to hurt. "See, happy."
"Waii~!! You look even more like Tohma!" He was about to glomp onto me when Ukai-san caught him by his hair and pulled him back.
"Thank you," I said gratefully.
She produced a lollipop from her purse and Sakuma-san's eyes sparkled. He seemed to forget about me as he took it from her, unwrapped it, and sucked on it with utmost reverence. Ukai-san turned back to me.
"You're Eiri-kun, aren't you? Tohma's ward?"
I nodded.
"Tohma's quite fond of you," she stated matter-of-factly. "He's told us quite a bit about your family and background."
I looked away, remembering why I had been running out here in the first place. It might seem unreasonable but I felt betrayed, by two people I thought I could trust.
It just wasn't fair that they'd kept this hidden from me. It wasn't fair how I had to find out the hard way, after I had already fallen for Yuki, and fallen hard. It wasn't fair that Yuki rejected me for Seguchi, who didn't even recognize how precious Yuki's love was. It wasn't fair that they had met first, and I had never stood a chance.
"Do you know where Tohma is? We're supposed to meet with him now," Ukai-san was saying as she twisted Sakuma-san's wrist to check the time on his watch. He whined a bit around his mouthful of candy.
"I think he're busy," I said bluntly, before remembering my manners. "Please excuse me."
I hurried down the hall and into the lobby, with Sakuma-san calling out, "Bye, little Tohma~!" after me.
Little Tohma indeed.
The time ticked by slowly as I waited on one of the benches just inside the building. It seemed like an eternity had passed before Yuki sauntered out, hands in his pocket and a rueful grin on his face.
"Sorry, kid. It took longer than I expected."
I took in his appearance mutely, noting the new wrinkles in his clothes and the mussed condition of hand-combed hair. Little differences that I might have ordinarily overlooked seemed too obvious now. Doubtless, there had been other times that I had missed because I had been too innocent to realize when it meant. The thought was enough to make me sick.
"Eiri, are you okay? You look pale." Worry swept over him and a frown replaced that happy smirk. He felt my forehead, smoothing back my hair and peering into my eyes. "You don't seem to have a fever."
I looked up and into his liquid brown eyes. If I stared long enough, I could pretend that the concern I saw meant more than what it really was. I could pretend that he loved me, not as a little brother figure, but as a lover.
But I'd just be lying to myself.
"I just need to rest for a minute," I murmured.
"Take your time. I'll get you something to drink." He jogged off toward one of the vending machines and I stared down at my legs. They dangled off the bench like lifeless stumps, my shoes scraping across the polished floor as they moved of their own accord.
I wouldn't say anything, I resolved. I'd keep quiet what I saw and pretend like it never happened. On the outside, at least, I'll become the same happy, naive little Eiri I've always been.
Something cold was pressed against my hand. I redirected my gaze to the can of peach-flavored drink, too weary to do anything but hold onto it.
Yuki took it back and popped the tab off before placing it back in my listless hands.
I gazed down at it without drinking, deep in thought.
"Eiri, is everything okay?"
It wasn't his fault, I reasoned. He couldn't help being in love any more than I could. And it wasn't like he hadn't warned me. He had been honest from the start. There was nothing left to do but deal with it and forget my feelings. He cared for me and although it wasn't the way I wanted, it was something. That was enough, wasn't it?
"Eiri, talk to me."
I slowly lifted a hand to my lips, letting my tongue flick out to moisten the tips of my index and middle finger. Ignoring his startled look, I swiped the wet digits along his bottom lip and then brought them back to my own mouth. I closed my eyes to shut off the sense and sucked deliberately.
That foreign taste... It wasn't Yuki.
Disappointed, I took a swig of the drink, letting the fruity taste wash away the bitterness.
"You taste different."
Like him.
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. "I hate you."
I ran then, pushing past him and out the glass doors, fleeing from my nightmare.
tbc...
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August 13, 2002