Make Sure You Kill Me Some Good, 'Kay?

A Ryou/Bakura Beating Spoof by SpookyChild

Author's Notes:

Why I am continuing with this story, I do not know. But, what I do know is these five things:

One: If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Two: The average human consumes eight spiders in their lifetime while sleeping.

Three: The sun is a nuclear furnace where hydrogen in built into helium at a temperature of millions of degrees.

Four: You must wear oven mitts when removing cookies from an oven.

Five: Legolas makes funny faces when Boromir dies.

Uh, if you understand any of this chapter, then... you must really be stupid...

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, or Lord of the Rings. (see author's notes above if you haven't already, bastard.) If I owned them, then... I'd be two people... And, that's not possible. Yet.

Chapter-O-Two

Bakura happily skipped up the stairs, humming to himself. It didn't occur to him that skipping through the house and humming might destroy his 'evil' image. It also didn't occur to him that it was the middle of the night. Usually, people don't skip through the house singing when it's the middle of the night. But, all this didn't occur to him. Having confirmed this, he continued skipping…and humming. Also, he had a reason. He was doing an evil deed, which involved much…evilness. You see, Bakura was going to do something to Ryou. He didn't know exactly what, yet, but he knew that he would figure it out when he got to Ryou's room. He stopped out side of Ryou's door and put on his best 'mean' face. You know the one, with the evil eyes and the…uh…nose. Bakura quickly burst through the door and stopped. Ryou was sitting on his bed with his shirt off, staring out the window and sighing exaggeratedly everyone once in a while. Bakura frowned. Ryou didn't have any evil deeds to commit. He should be asleep.

"You're just asking to be raped, aren't you?" Bakura asked, leaning against the doorframe. Ryou turned around.

"Huh?" Ryou garbled sluggishly, obviously tired after a busy day of sitting at the window and sighing.

"Just look at you. You're half naked, sighing sadly, and for Ra's sake you're on a freaking bed. Should I rape you now or later?" Bakura smiled sadistically. This would teach Ryou not to stay up unless he had an evil deed to commit. Ryou thought this over.

"Hmm…how about, for a change of pace, I am the one to rape you?" Ryou replied brightly. Bakura thought for a minute before smiling and snapping his fingers.

"Yeah! And then I become the weird suicidal freak once you start to beat me!" He stated. Ryou and Bakura stared at each other for a minute. "Ooh, let's start now!" Bakura squealed, jumping up on the bed next to his 'playmate', both of them giggling and running their hands under each other's shirt.

The Next Morning…Yep…

"Well, I guess I have to go commit suicide." Ryou said happily, jumping out of bed and skipping to the door. Bakura sat up, staring at him strangely.

"Uh, why?"

"Because you raped me." Ryou stated bluntly, pulling on his shirt. Bakura blinked.

"Oh…uh, okay. You go do…that. Before you kill yourself, how do you use the oven?" Bakura asked.

"First, don't use the oven. Second, right before I commit suicide, you have to run in and say, 'Oh Ryou, don't do it! I love you!'" Ryou explained, using his 'kissy' face. You know, the one with the googly, watery eyes and the…uh…nose. "And then I will say, 'Oh, Yami! I Love you too! And I will always be with you! And I will never let go!' And then you say, "You have to go on, Rose!' and I will say, 'I'll never let go, Jack! I'll never let go!' And then…" Ryou rambled on for the next hour, saying quotes from different love stories.

"…And then you will say, 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.' And then I will say, 'Oh, Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name!..."

"SHUT UP!" Bakura finally screamed. "No wonder you don't have any friends!" He stated, shoving Ryou into the bathroom with a knife.

Three Hours Later…Wow…

"Are you done yet?!" Bakura sighed exasperatedly.

"Hold on, will you?! I have to make this interesting, so I'm writing a suicide note." Ryou replied from the other side of the door. Bakura moaned. He really needed to pee. "Okay, I'm done with the suicide note! Now I'm going to slit my wrists, even though when people slit their wrists they rarely die. Wee!"

"Jeez, finally." Bakura breathed a sigh of relief and went to open the door when Ryou screamed.

"Don't come in!"

"You're not done yet?!"

"Well, it takes a while!"

"DAMNIT, JUST KILL YOURSELF SO THIS STUPID STORY WILL BE OVER WITH!" Bakura screamed.

"FINE!" Ryou screamed back. "Okay! I'm done!" He happily chirped. Bakura stepped in and put on a fake look of fear and shock.

"Oh, my beautiful white-haired angel! What despair have I brought down on thou?" He asked, using a terribly cheesy Old English accent.

"Oh, thou hast done not. I will always love you." Ryou whispered, for some reason he also had a horrible accent. "But, with great distress I must leave thou. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Goodbye, my love." Ryou gasped his one last breath and closed his eyes.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WHO WILL WORK THE OVVVVVVEEEEEEENNNNN?!" Bakura screamed, dropping to the ground, throwing a hissy fit. Suddenly, Ryou's eyes popped back open.

"Oh, wow! All of my wounds have been mysteriously cured! It is a Christmas miracle!" Ryou stated, smiling. Bakura raised his eyebrow.

"But…it's not Christmas…"

"…Leave me alone."

** Ryou's Suicide Letter **

I killed myself. But, you probably already knew that.

** End Ryou's Suicide Letter **

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(A/N)

Ooh... I am so ashamed of this story... Really, you shouldn't read this. You should do something more worthwhile, like learn the tango, or read to the stupid. Well, I guess this kinda resembles an ending... I guess... Kinda... My head hurts. Stay tuned for the... next... chapter... actually, don't.

Remember, kids. SMILE UNTIL YOU STOP.