Make Sure You Kill Me Some Good, 'Kay?
A Ryou/Bakura Beating Spoof by SpookyChild
Author's Notes:
Oh, people, don't tell me I didn't warn you. You really shouldn't be reading this. This story is going to make you one level stupider. You'll be down to my level now. That's the level when you laugh while you count bugs and talk to trees. Ah, youth. Wait, what?
Disclaimer: No, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, or Orlando Bloom. He belongs to his mommy. And I also don't own the 'Highlights' magazine, or 'Three's Company'. As for Penny, the nurse from Pennsylvania...Well, I love Penny.
Chapter-O-Three"Um, I'm kind of still bleeding. There's a spot." Ryou pointed to a spot of blood on the tile. "There's a spot. There's a spot. There's a spot-," Ryou rambled on, pointing to all the spots of blood in the bathroom.
"SHUT UP! Now, what's the rule for this situation?" Bakura asked.
"Well, you are supposed to take me to the hospital, where you will be confronted by Yami, Yuugi, and all their weird, smelly little friends. Then the doctors will come out and say, 'Ah, he will die.' Then you go, 'NOOOO! I LOVEDED HIM SO MUCH! I LOVEDED HIM GOOD!' And then I miraculously survive. And then you will say, 'Ah, Ryou, I love you. I will never hurt you again.' And I will say, 'Oh, Yami, I'm so happy to hear those words.' Then we will go home and make sweet, sweet love to each other." Ryou stated. "Even though I'm only sixteen, and I shouldn't be having sex, because really the only people who have sex when they're sixteen are dirty sluts."
"Well, that sounds like loads of fun. Are you supposed to be awake or unconscious when I take you to the hospital?" Bakura asked. Ryou thought for a minute.
"Unconscious, I think. Just beat me senseless over the head with a stick until I stop...being...awake...yeah." Ryou said. Bakura shrugged and went to get the stick, which they had ruthlessly just thrown on the floor and forgotten. Bakura quickly apologized to the stick and kissed it, having picked up this habit after being an elf for four years. He was turned into one by a gypsy because he ran over his daughter. But, 'I Was Turned Into An Elf By A Gypsy Because I Ran Over His Daughter' by Yami Bakura is too long a story to be told here, so it won't be. He quickly returned to the bathroom and whacked Ryou on the side of the head. The stick sighed, happy to finally be working again. He would not disappoint them this time.
"OW!" Ryou screamed. Bakura hit him again. "OW! Bakura do you know what you're doing?!"
"What's there to know?! I'm just hitting you over the head with a stick!" Bakura yelled, and hit Ryou again.
"OW! OW!"
"That's it!" Bakura threw down the stick angrily. "I'm getting the Chloroform!" Bakura began rustling through the cabinets. Finally, he located the Chloroform and poured some on a rag. Bakura looked at the rag, threw it in the sink and hit Ryou over the head with the bottle. Ryou fell to the floor, unconscious.
Later... At Da' Funky Hospital... Thing...
Bakura sat happily in the waiting room, whistling the song to 'Three's Company' and staring at a 'Highlights' magazine. He suddenly stopped whistling and stared at the magazine intently.
"I found it! I found the difference! It's the pony! The difference in the pony!" Bakura then proceeded to laugh hysterically for twenty minutes. He suddenly stopped. "Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be all sad, because Ryou's, like, dying, and stuff." Bakura sniffed. He was sad. Not because of Ryou, but because the friendly nurse that had greeted them when they came in had taken a coffee break. Bakura liked her. Her name was Penny, and she came from Pennsylvania with a hat on her head and song in her heart. Little did Bakura know, but Penny had been run over by an ambulance while she was on her coffee break. She would be missed. Bakura suddenly looked up when Yuugi and his stupid friends approached him.
"Uh, hello." Bakura said. Yami looked at him and shook his head.
"Bakura..." Yami tsked. Bakura lowered his head in shame. "You shouldn't hit your Aibou." Yami told him.
"Yeah!" Yuugi chorused. Yami smacked him over the head.
"Quiet, you." Yami turned and strode away. Yuugi turned to Bakura.
"You're not very nice." Yuugi told him. Bakura looked down at him.
"Yeah, well, you're not very tall."
Suddenly, Yuugi burst out into tears.
"It's a pituitary gland problem! I can't help it!" Yuugi cried. He wrapped his arms around himself. "My skin hurts a lot. I throw up purple ever Thursday. I hate Orlando Bloom, and I don't know why!" Yuugi turned and ran away, screaming and waving his arms frantically. Bakura glared.
"I'll teach that boy some respect for Orlando Bloom!" Bakura cried, raising his fists in the air. But, thanks to his short attention span, and bright color easily distracted him and he forgot all about Yuugi. He looked forward when Anzu stepped up to him.
"Bakura, you shouldn't hit Ryou, because it's not the friendly thing to do. Friends are the most important things in your life, so you must cherish them more than anything else. More that your mother, your hygiene, your self respect, everything. You should steal from your parents, maul your grandmother, and even rob the homeless just for your friends. And another thing..." Anzu rambled on, not know that Bakura had fallen asleep standing up with his eyes open. That's one of his subconscious abilities. Even he doesn't know he can do it. He jerked awake and looked behind Anzu.
"Someone's going through your purse." He pointed out. Anzu suddenly turned into Satan itself and ran after the person, screaming about eternal Hellfire and Anna Nicole Smith. Jounouchi took this opportunity to confront Bakura.
"Listen, buddy, I ain't likin' 'da ways you's always is beatin' up on mah pal Ryou." He stated. Bakura blinked.
"I didn't understand a word you said."
Jounouchi sighed. "No one ever does." He turned and walked away into the sunset. Seto walked up.
"You shouldn't hit Ryou." He bluntly stated.
"What do you care?" Bakura asked, putting a hand on his hip. Seto thought this over and shrugged.
"You're right. I don't." He then, too, walked off into the sunset. Bakura turned and walked into the room where Ryou was lying. He sat on the edge of the bed and smacked Ryou's leg.
"Come on, Ryou, I'm leaving. I don't feel like waiting for you." Bakura told him. Ryou sat up.
"But, the doctor didn't say I was dying yet! And you didn't say you love me! And-!" Ryou protested.
"SHUT UP AND GET IN THE DAMN CAR!"
Later...In Chef's Love Shack...Wait...
"Okay, we're home." Bakura stated, looking around. "Now, maybe this stupid story will be over with."
"I don't know..." Ryou put his hand on his hip. "It still feels like something's going to happen."
Just then, Shadi floated in through the window.
"I told you we should have locked that..." Bakura mumbled. Shadi glared at Bakura.
"You dare strike the innocent one that you were destined to protect?!" he roared, pointing an accusing finger at Bakura. Bakura stared at him.
"…Are you drunk?" He asked. Shadi was silent for a minute.
"...If you need me, I'll be in my minivan." He then disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Just then, Malik and Yami Malik walked in.
"Hey guys." Malik said.
"Oh, hey, Malik, I have a question for you." Bakura stated. He cleared his throat. "Okay, your name is Malik. His is Yami Malik. But, everyone seems to say that his name is 'Marik'. But, that is not true. You see," Bakura began to pace. "'Marik' is not Yami Malik's name. The Japanese simply call you 'Marik' because they have no 'L' in their vocabulary. So, if your name is Malik, but you were created by a Japanese guy who pronounces your name 'Marik', then wouldn't your name be 'Marik' instead of Malik?" Bakura stopped and scratched his head. "But, he named you Malik, but he pronounces your name 'Marik', but your name is still Malik, but technically-," Bakura then passed out due to mental over load. Ryou clasped his hands together and squealed happily.
"Oh, what a magical Christmas this is!" He sang. Bakura jerked his head up.
"IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS!" He screamed, and then went back to being unconscious.
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(A/N)
Um, to the person who asked me if I was just reading off the fourth issue of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac for the second chapter, I need to ask you something: Have you even read the fourth issue? Chapter two had nothing to do with it. So, maybe you should check your sources. The only thing that I got from Jhonen Vasquez was the one line in the first chapter that said, " 'Cause I gots a lot of hate in me.'" from the Bad Art Collection. Everything else I pretty much think is mine, unless I subconsciously used something from somewhere else and I haven't realized it yet. So, yeah. This is probably the end of the story, unless I think of something else.
Remember, kids. SMILE UNTIL YOU STOP.