Chapter Ten
I arrived at the end of the baby shower as instructed to pick up all the gifts. An elderly lady opened the door and smiled. "Perfect timing." She obviously knew who I was, or least I guess she assumed, considering I was the only male there. Anyway, the room was full of women. They were all chatting and laughing so it was quite noisy. I saw Belinda first and she walked over to me. "Hi Landon."
"Hey . . . listen thanks for doing this for Jamie." I still felt a little awkward around her and I felt foolish for it.
"No problem. It was the least I could do." She told me with an air of guilt in her voice.
"Jamie forgave you a long time ago." Her eyes fell to her feet.
"Yeah . . . have you?" She looked at me then, and for some reason the words just came.
"Yes.I have." She smiled and I did as well. Jamie would be pleased if she could hear us taking now, I remember thinking.
"I'm really happy for you Landon." She smiled softly and walked away. I took a deep breath as Jamie and I made eye contact. She smiled brightly and I couldn't help doing the same. The next half hour was filled with thanks and pleasant goodbyes. As I watched Jamie through it all, I noticed how tired she looked. It was nothing I kept telling myself, but she just didn't look quite right to me. No one else seemed to notice, but I knew her better than they did.
Then I realized that she hadn't actually moved since I'd arrived. The whole time she remained seated in one of the living room chairs. The more and more I thought about it, the bigger it got in my mind. So I was quite relieved when everyone left. Belinda went to the kitchen for something, leaving us alone. "Hey . . . are you okay?" I whispered concerned. She shook her head and put a smile on her face.
"I'm just tired." When she tried to stand though, she closed her eyes, sitting back down.
"Jamie . . . talk to me please." This terrible feeling was rising within me, and I was starting to panic.
"Landon . . . could you um . . . please take me home . . . I'm really . . . not feeling very well." Her eyes held a certain look about them . . . a look that was familiar from when she was sick.
"Sure but . . ." Belinda walked back into the room then.
"Jamie I put the rest of the cake in container and . . ." She then noticed that something was wrong. "Is she okay?"
"I think I better get her home." I helped Jamie stand and she managed to yet again put a smile on her face.
"Thank you so much for today Belinda. It really meant a lot." She leaned on me for support and I knew she didn't want to let on to Belinda that something was wrong. So I held her securely.
"Oh . . . you're welcome . . . are you sure you're okay?"
"I'll be fine. I'm just feeling a little light headed all the sudden." And then she passed out in my arms. Nothing seemed real. It was as if everything were moving in slow motion or something. I told Belinda to call an ambulance and it arrived soon after. It seemed much longer to me though as I held Jamie in my arms on the floor, desperately trying to revive her. But she never woke up. **************************************************************************** ** I was back to waiting again. The white walls were surrounding me once more, and it felt like I was losing her all over again. I hated that feeling of not knowing, but I seemed to have to experience it quite often. I don't regret having to deal with it though because then I wouldn't have had Jamie.
Finally, the doctor came out told me and the rest of the family that had gathered by then, that everything had been stabilized. "Her body's been through a lot because of her previous illness . . ." Cancer . . . I wanted to shout it at him. That's what she had suffered from. Sure it was an illness, but it was so much more than that. Then I realized that it was stupid for me to even be thinking about that, given the current situation.
They let me see Jamie a few minutes later. As I walked into her room, I saw the monitors showing her steady heart rate. Slowly, I sat down beside her and remained silent for a few minutes. I just stared at the monitors, listening to the almost comforting sound they made. I saw a smaller light flashing steadily as well, it obviously showing the baby's heart rate, and smiled. "Hey . . . we're all here together . . . just like you'd want."
While I slipped Jamie's hand into mine, I once again listened to the steady beeping of the monitors, all the memories of when she was sick came flooding back and brought tears to my eyes. "Jamie I can't lose you. Not now.not after everything. We've come so far. Thinking I was going to have to let you go the last time was hard enough.now I might have to let you both go.Jamie I don't know if I can do that." Then I realized that Jamie would tell me to pray and give it to God, and so that's what I did . . . until I finally fell asleep in the middle of the night.
TBC
I arrived at the end of the baby shower as instructed to pick up all the gifts. An elderly lady opened the door and smiled. "Perfect timing." She obviously knew who I was, or least I guess she assumed, considering I was the only male there. Anyway, the room was full of women. They were all chatting and laughing so it was quite noisy. I saw Belinda first and she walked over to me. "Hi Landon."
"Hey . . . listen thanks for doing this for Jamie." I still felt a little awkward around her and I felt foolish for it.
"No problem. It was the least I could do." She told me with an air of guilt in her voice.
"Jamie forgave you a long time ago." Her eyes fell to her feet.
"Yeah . . . have you?" She looked at me then, and for some reason the words just came.
"Yes.I have." She smiled and I did as well. Jamie would be pleased if she could hear us taking now, I remember thinking.
"I'm really happy for you Landon." She smiled softly and walked away. I took a deep breath as Jamie and I made eye contact. She smiled brightly and I couldn't help doing the same. The next half hour was filled with thanks and pleasant goodbyes. As I watched Jamie through it all, I noticed how tired she looked. It was nothing I kept telling myself, but she just didn't look quite right to me. No one else seemed to notice, but I knew her better than they did.
Then I realized that she hadn't actually moved since I'd arrived. The whole time she remained seated in one of the living room chairs. The more and more I thought about it, the bigger it got in my mind. So I was quite relieved when everyone left. Belinda went to the kitchen for something, leaving us alone. "Hey . . . are you okay?" I whispered concerned. She shook her head and put a smile on her face.
"I'm just tired." When she tried to stand though, she closed her eyes, sitting back down.
"Jamie . . . talk to me please." This terrible feeling was rising within me, and I was starting to panic.
"Landon . . . could you um . . . please take me home . . . I'm really . . . not feeling very well." Her eyes held a certain look about them . . . a look that was familiar from when she was sick.
"Sure but . . ." Belinda walked back into the room then.
"Jamie I put the rest of the cake in container and . . ." She then noticed that something was wrong. "Is she okay?"
"I think I better get her home." I helped Jamie stand and she managed to yet again put a smile on her face.
"Thank you so much for today Belinda. It really meant a lot." She leaned on me for support and I knew she didn't want to let on to Belinda that something was wrong. So I held her securely.
"Oh . . . you're welcome . . . are you sure you're okay?"
"I'll be fine. I'm just feeling a little light headed all the sudden." And then she passed out in my arms. Nothing seemed real. It was as if everything were moving in slow motion or something. I told Belinda to call an ambulance and it arrived soon after. It seemed much longer to me though as I held Jamie in my arms on the floor, desperately trying to revive her. But she never woke up. **************************************************************************** ** I was back to waiting again. The white walls were surrounding me once more, and it felt like I was losing her all over again. I hated that feeling of not knowing, but I seemed to have to experience it quite often. I don't regret having to deal with it though because then I wouldn't have had Jamie.
Finally, the doctor came out told me and the rest of the family that had gathered by then, that everything had been stabilized. "Her body's been through a lot because of her previous illness . . ." Cancer . . . I wanted to shout it at him. That's what she had suffered from. Sure it was an illness, but it was so much more than that. Then I realized that it was stupid for me to even be thinking about that, given the current situation.
They let me see Jamie a few minutes later. As I walked into her room, I saw the monitors showing her steady heart rate. Slowly, I sat down beside her and remained silent for a few minutes. I just stared at the monitors, listening to the almost comforting sound they made. I saw a smaller light flashing steadily as well, it obviously showing the baby's heart rate, and smiled. "Hey . . . we're all here together . . . just like you'd want."
While I slipped Jamie's hand into mine, I once again listened to the steady beeping of the monitors, all the memories of when she was sick came flooding back and brought tears to my eyes. "Jamie I can't lose you. Not now.not after everything. We've come so far. Thinking I was going to have to let you go the last time was hard enough.now I might have to let you both go.Jamie I don't know if I can do that." Then I realized that Jamie would tell me to pray and give it to God, and so that's what I did . . . until I finally fell asleep in the middle of the night.
TBC