Okay, we need a happy break right about now. Time for some silliness!
The Dangers of Coffee
"I swear," Lance groaned as he washed the dishes. "There must be a million dishes here!"
"One million, two hundred sixty-seven thousand three hundred and forty seven to be exact," BA said. He rolled his eyes as the sound of a dish broke. "Make that one million, two hundred sixty-seven thousand three hundred and forty six…"
"My hands are permanent prunes," Pietro groaned.
"Speaking of prunes where did I put them?" BA scratched his head. "There's a new omelet recipe I wanna try out with them." He wandered off.
"I don't like the sound of that," Lance gulped.
"Relax Lance," Todd said. "I hid 'em! By the time he finds them we'll all be off to the Slaughterhouse."
"What's the Slaughterhouse?" Wanda asked.
"I don't like the sound of it," Fred grumbled.
"It's where one of the Joes trains an elite group of problem soldiers," Althea told him. "They do the impossible jobs. It's also used as a kind of punishment whenever one of the Joes gets out of line and seriously needs to shape up!"
"Oh goody," Lance rolled his eyes. "That sounds like so much fun!"
"Just when I started getting used to the routine here," Wanda grumbled.
They heard a crashing sound and looked into the pantry. Althea was rummaging around looking for something. "What are you doing?" Lance asked.
"Trying to find something," Althea told him. "Ah ha! Got it!" She pulled out a canister and started to prepare what was inside.
"It's coffee," Lance said. "So what?"
"Not just any coffee," Althea smirked. "BA's special blend, the real good stuff."
"What's so special about coffee?" Wanda asked.
"Try some and you'll see," Althea smiled. "It's instant so…TA DA!"
"Aw this stuff is great!" Todd reached for a cup and slurped it down.
"Try it!" Althea said. "Toad's having some!"
"Toad eats insects," Wanda snapped.
"What you guys chicken or something?" Althea taunted. "It's only coffee. Of course if you're not up to the challenge…"
"Give me that!" Pietro grabbed a cup.
"Are you sure you should do that?" Wanda asked.
"Come on," Pietro took a drink. "What harm could it do?"
It is a little known fact that the average mutant metabolism reacts to caffeine almost the same way that a normal human's responds to alcohol. A shot of expresso is roughly the same for a mutant as a tequila shot does to a human. And a single cup of BA's coffee was the equivalent of two tequila bottles, a rum bottle, and a shot of vodka.
"Well?" Lance asked. Pietro's eyes went very wide and he let out a gasp. "Pietro!"
"Oh man," Pietro gulped. "That's goooooooooodddd cofffeeeeeeeeeee!"
"So who's next?" Althea made another cup.
"Give me that!" Fred grabbed a cup.
"Yeah," Lance took a cup as well.
"Why not?" Wanda took a cup.
"Bottom's up!" Althea cackled as they drank.
"Hey this stuff is great!" Fred said. "Toad? Why are your eyes spinning like that? Oh boy…" About two seconds later he figured it out.
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"No BA for the last time I haven't seen your prunes!" Beach Head groaned. He and Hawk were talking to him in the rec. room.
"Look the last time I had them they were in this place," He scratched his head. "I caught some of the guys using them for target practice with air darts."
"Well that explains the purple stains on the wall," Hawk sighed. "So are the kids done with KP duty yet?"
"Nah they were just finishing up when I left," BA told them.
"You mean you left those maniacs alone in the kitchen unsupervised?" Beach Head shouted. "Don't you remember what happened the last time that happened with the X-Men! The kids got into the coffee and trashed the place!"
"Oh I'm sure that won't happen again," BA waved his hand. "What are the odds of that happening?"
"DA TA DA! DA TA DA TA DA!" Lance sped by face down on a large wheeled tray shouting the Superman theme song. He was wearing a towel as a cape and a bowl on his head.
"I'd say the odds were pretty good," Beach Head groaned. He stuck his head out. "AVALANCHE!"
"Yes sir!" Lance ran in and saluted energetically. "PRIVATE AVALANCHE REPORTING FOR DUTY SIR!"
"How many cups did you drink private?" Hawk sighed.
"TWO CUPS SIR!" Lance responded cheerfully. "I FEEL GREAT!"
"Uh huh," Hawk sighed. "Avalanche, what were you doing?"
"Practicing flying sir," Lance said happily.
"Uh huh," Hawk looked at him. "Two full cups?"
"Yup," Lance nodded eagerly.
"Why don't you just sit down a while Avalanche?" Hawk took out a chair. "Take a nice break from your flight training. You've earned it."
"Okay sir!" Lance saluted and sat down. "Hey this chair's got wheels!" He played with the chair for a bit.
"I think I'd better go back to the kitchen," BA gulped and ran off.
"Avalanche," Hawk bent down. "Avalanche listen to me, You're a little hyper right now. So I need you to focus. Got it?"
"Uh huh," Lance nodded happily.
"BA's Special Blend has…an unusual effect on mutants," Hawk told him. "In other word's you're sort of drunk. So I need you to try and stay perfectly calm. Understand?" He pointed a finger at Lance and waved it.
"Wow!" Lance looked at him with wide eyes. "How'd you make all those cool colors come from your fingers?"
"Okay he's gone," Hawk sighed. "Beach Head take him to the infirmary while I see to the damage okay?"
"Wonderful," Beach Head grumbled. "Okay Private! Let's go! Move it!"
"Okay, can I have a piggy back ride?" Lance asked.
"What?" Beach Head snapped.
"Just give him one," Hawk ordered. "It'll be easier believe me!"
"Oh fine," Beach Head grumbled allowing Lance to climb onto his back. "One of these days I have got to put in for a transfer!"
"Giddy yap!" Lance cried out as Beach Head took him to the infirmary.
"OH SHUT UP!" Beach Head shouted as they left.
Hawk ran to the cafeteria. He saw Duke along the way. "Sir there's some kind of situation in the Cafeteria!" Duke gulped.
"I know the kids got into the coffee again!" Hawk groaned. "We really got to ban that stuff or something! Come on, we'd better go see the damage. Oh lord!" He exclaimed as they opened the door.
"WHAHOOOOO!" Pietro sped by painting the cafeteria bright colors as he ran.
"Here we go again," Duke moaned.
They saw Fred and Wanda calmly drinking coffee in the middle of the cafeteria. "Well those two look sort of normal," Hawk said.
"Such a wonderful day for a spot of coffee isn't it?" Fred quipped with a mangled British accent.
"Quite," Wanda said. She then calmly shot out a hexbolt to open up the kitchen doors.
Out came a tidal flood of water. "SURF'S UP!" Todd crowed surfing along on a tray. Althea was right behind him. "HANG TEN BABY!" The water flooded the entire room.
"Oh yeah," Duke sighed as he looked at his soaked boots. "This is gonna be fun to clean up. At least they didn't do too much damage!"
"That's it," Hawk groaned. "We're sending them to the Slaughterhouse! We need a break!"
Next chapter: Time for training! And time for our merry mutants to torment someone new!