Just To Make You Smile
Notes: This fic is dedicated to Moonglow, who requested an X'mas fic that included Sendoh – so here it is! ^_^ It's my first fic with Sendoh in it, so I hope it's not too OOC … *gulps*
By the way, it's not a very cheerful topic for an X'mas fic -_-" but sorry, I can't help writing sad, regretting, lamenting fics ^_^"
Hopefully you'll enjoy it~*
"Ano, Hanamichi-kun …"
I trailed off immediately the precise moment the tear fell from his eye.
I had come to see him with a purpose, with firm determination set on spilling my heart to him, telling him all about the way I couldn't stop losing myself in the beautiful brown glimmer of his eyes and the shining sincerity of his smile.
But in comparison to this one tiny tear, the importance of my purpose dissolved into nothing but a speck of boundless insignificance.
He was crying.
My heart tore in two at the mere sight of it.
The sight of the person I loved, crying, on the day before Christmas Eve.
All I could think of was how I could get him to smile again. It didn't matter what would become of my carefully planned declaration of love towards him – all I wanted to do was make him smile again.
I moved towards him as quickly as I could.
"What's wrong?"
Worry and concern drenched every syllable of my voice.
He merely shook his head, his features unusually stoic, and turned away.
And then he crouched down on the floor and began to sob.
The sight of him sobbing tortured me even more.
In fact, I felt like I had been stabbed right in the centre of my heart.
A surge of desire to hold him close and make everything all right again washed over me.
But I knew better than that.
I crouched down beside him and patted him on the back several times hesitantly.
To be honest, I was scared to touch him.
To be even more honest, I was petrified.
No one would ever think that me, the renowned basketball genius, the easygoing, smiling Sendoh Akira – that I would ever fall for anyone, that I would ever be scared to get close to anyone, that I would ever yearn for anyone; let alone him, let alone a guy, let alone fool and immature beginner Sakuragi Hanamichi.
But I did. And I didn't even know it.
He was different. Always different. He was everything I wasn't and all I ever dreamed of being. He was true. He was … himself. Always himself.
Unlike me. I was never myself.
First it was his eccentricity that captured me. His rudely straightforward simplicity, his loud-mouthed childishness. The way the word 'hypocrisy' didn't exist in his vocabulary. He was a vertical opposite of what I was – a smiling hypocrite, always striving to appear as something that I was certainly not: happy.
He put me to shame. And I envied him, more than ever.
But the more I looked at him, the more he interested me, the more I wanted to find out more about him – the more beautiful he became in my eyes.
Yes, he was beautiful to me. In fact, he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. His hair the colour of roses, his eyes as clear as crystals and as deep as the sea, his smile as radiant as light in pitch-black darkness. He was so beautiful to me.
I never thought I could be gay. It was never a possibility to me. So the feelings I had for him struck me with more force than ever.
I tried not to think about them, just as I tried not to think about any other things in life.
But … I couldn't do it.
I couldn't stop thinking about him, seeing his grin in my mind every hour of every day, dreaming of him repeatedly night after night.
Somehow he took away all the insecurities I had. Somehow, he made me feel like there were important things in life.
He gave me faith in life again. He gave me something to hold onto, something that told me that life had a meaning, that life wasn't just a random mess of daily duties that made no sense or had no meaning whatsoever.
He was my faith.
He taught me the true meaning behind a smile – something that I thought I would never really learn just as everyone else around me had.
And with him, I saw things differently. With him, everything actually made sense.
With him, I felt that I was actually living.
I hadn't felt that way for what seemed to me as forever.
At the beginning, I craved the chance to know him, to see him every moment of every day. I craved him so much that it hurt.
Basketball was my excuse, my 'saviour'. Somehow, one-on-ones during weekends at a nearby basketball court became a custom with us. I don't remember how it happened, how it all started. I don't need to remember. All that matters is that his one-on-one challenges were the only thing that I looked forward to while trying to get through the meaninglessness of everyday life. He was the only person I ever wanted to see.
And when I was with him, my smiles were real. My smiles were true.
My smiles really meant happiness.
They weren't a façade, they weren't used to hide away my boredom or disdain, my undying loneliness and my lack of the sense of purpose – no, with him my smiles were real smiles, they were sincere echoes of the warm, fuzzy happiness radiating through every fibre of my being when I felt his presence next to me.
With him, I found myself again.
I thought I would never find myself again.
How long had it been? I'm not sure. But all I remember is my fervent need to be honest with him, to tell him how I felt about him. My need to know what was going on in his head when he looked at me with that familiar, questioning look in his eyes.
I decided that I would tell him on the afternoon before Christmas Eve.
But now … I could no longer bring myself to speak.
He was crying.
My fingers trembled and I stared at him, the raw pain in his erratic wheezing piercing the air and paralyzing me.
I couldn't bear to see him crying. To me he was always the happy, naïvely optimistic Sakuragi Hanamichi. To see him crying – it worried me sick to think of what the reason behind this sadness was.
"Hanamichi-kun …" I whispered, my voice shaking. "… what's wrong?"
"Stupid kitsune …" was all he said.
And he continued repeating that phrase, 'Stupid kitsune', for I don't know how many times, until there was no more venom in his voice or hatred in those words – until all that remained was an echo of the pain in his choked sobbing.
It didn't matter that it was snowing on us, that the wind was howling around us. He was crying, he was broken-hearted, and that was all that mattered to me at that moment.
'Stupid kitsune'.
At that moment I knew that I could never have him.
At that moment I knew that he could never love me.
At that moment I knew that he already loved someone else.
And that someone else was Rukawa.
I remembered the fleeting, unreadable looks that would sometimes flash across his face when I mentioned Rukawa. I almost laughed at the fact that I never paid attention to these moments.
I leaned towards him and held his head on my shoulder, his sobbing still ringing in my ears.
There were so many things I wanted to ask him, but I kept silent.
The snow fell hard on my face and the icy coldness of the wind kept attacking my body, but I felt nothing.
I just crouched there, holding Hanamichi against me, listening to the sound of his strained breathing, letting the relentlessness of harsh realization sink into my veins.
"Feeling better?"
I handed him a towel and watched as he took it from me with a shiver and nodded absently.
"Sendoh," he started, staring down at the floor. "sorry for the trouble."
I shook my head in dismissal, smiling a smile that wasn't real for the first time ever in all my times with him.
I walked over and looked out the window, the frostbites from the snowstorm outside stinging me.
"I'll get you back home as soon as the storm stops," I answered him. "or at least when it's not so dangerous."
I looked at him, staring into space, lost in his own thoughts.
I continued nevertheless.
"It's no trouble at all," I said, my voice concealing all the pain and rising jealousy inside me. "as long as you don't mind not getting home as early as usual."
He blinked and nodded again.
I took a seat opposite him.
He looked at me, his eyes unusually emotionless.
I could tell he didn't want to talk, so I didn't ask.
We stayed silent, the awkward atmosphere pressing in on us with every minute that dragged by.
"I shouldn't have let you see that."
I was surprised when he broke the heavy silence.
That was what he was to me. Always a surprise.
"That was a once in a lifetime thing," he announced, his voice beginning to gain a few notes of its usual gusto. "the tensai will never do that again."
He said this without a grin, which was worrying.
But I responded with a smile all the same.
My smile only served as a façade to hide the fear and despair that was pulsing violently through my veins at that very moment. I doubt he understood what a smile was to me.
He was the only one who could make me smile. A real smile, a smile that carried the true meaning of smiles: bliss. He was the only one.
He was the only one simply because I loved him.
I loved him so very, very much.
And the realization that he would never love me back … it shattered my heart into a million irreplaceable pieces.
And looking at him now only made the pain and irony of it all worse.
But still, I smiled.
And I knew that without him, life would go back to meaninglessness, smiles would go back to the meaninglessness that they always were.
And all these realizations hurt me more than ever.
His eyes wandered to the window behind me, and he stood up, pointing towards the sky outside.
"It's not snowing so heavily now," he said to me. "I better go. Everyone has plans for Christmas Eve."
I didn't know what he meant by that, but I didn't question him.
I wanted to tell him that spending Christmas Eve with him would be more than I could ever ask for.
But I only stood up and led him to the door.
He wrapped his neck up in his scarf and slipped on his coat, then turned back to me and said, "Have a nice Christmas Eve."
And then he walked out of my house without a backward glance.
I didn't recognize this Hanamichi, this Hanamichi whose words carried no emotion and whose face never shined and glimmered with confident satisfaction. Something was wrong, terribly wrong.
Another realization hit me.
The realization that he loved Rukawa so much that it was whatever he did that caused this drastic change.
He was in pain.
And so was I.
"Akira, isn't your friend staying longer?" my mother's voice chimed from the direction of the kitchen.
I tried to blink the tears out of my eyes.
"No, okaasan." I replied.
"He's not staying for dinner?" she persisted, seemingly in disappointment. "He's not coming back?"
I quickly wiped the hot tear that trickled from my eye.
"No." I called out, heading for my room.
"He'll never come back." I whispered to myself, locking the door behind me.
'Merry Christmas!'
Everywhere I go, that expression is being sung like a song.
Everyone seems to be in high spirits, smiling and laughing without a care in the word.
And again I feel so helplessly alone. So helplessly miserable.
I feel even worse than I've always felt in life – purposeless and without a clue of direction. Now there's an additional, undying pang of pain in my gut.
I don't know where I'm heading. Or rather, I know but I don't want to admit where I'm heading.
He once told me that he lived in this district.
I frown at myself. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be trying to see him, I shouldn't.
But … I can't bring myself to forget him. To try and forget him.
Why?
Why am I hurting myself? I should know better.
Obviously I don't.
I catch sight of a flash of red before me and instinctively I bounce back and hide behind the wall.
I know it's him.
But yet I'm afraid to see him. I'm afraid to be faced with the same realization all over again. I'm afraid to hurt.
But the urge to see him prevails, and I watch him from the side of the wall in silence.
The shocked expression on his face tells me that something's wrong.
I catch a quick glimpse of black behind him.
Immediately I know that it can be no other than Rukawa.
"What are you doing here?" I hear Hanamichi mumble. "Go away."
I catch a clear view of Rukawa as he moves towards him, his face stiff and impassive as usual.
"I need to talk to you." he says.
"There's nothing to talk about with you." Hanamichi answers, avoiding his firm stare. "Now go away."
Hanamichi fumbles with his lock and opens the door, turning away from Rukawa.
"Get away from my house." he grunts.
And then, all of a sudden, Rukawa slots one hand between the door, holding Hanamichi back with his other.
"Listen to me." Rukawa raises his voice.
"I don't want to listen to you!!"
I watch as Hanamichi explodes, his eyes widening in anger and frustration, wringing his hand free from Rukawa's grasp.
"Get off me!! Go away!!" he yells.
Rukawa staggers back but suddenly springs forward, alarming me with the disappearance of his usual cold, calm composure.
"Listen to me, Hana!!!" he yells equally loudly.
The fact that Rukawa is capable of yelling comes as a complete surprise to me.
"I'm never going to listen to you again!!!" Hanamichi screeches. "And don't call me Hana!!! Never call me that!! Never call me Hana again!!"
I watch as Hanamichi breaks into an abrupt, suppressed fit of tears.
Rukawa moves slowly towards him, his hand stretched out to touch his cheek.
Hanamichi immediately looks up and slaps Rukawa's hand away.
"Get away from me, do you hear me??!" he screams in between sobs. "Get away from me!!
"I hate you, do you know that??! I hate you!! I hate you!!!!"
"I'm sorry." is Rukawa's only response. "Listen to me, Hana, I'm sorry …"
Hanamichi only continues crying.
"I was scared … I didn't know how to feel this way … this strongly … about anyone … I didn't know how to love someone as much I love you …
"I was afraid … can you understand that? Can you understand how afraid I was that I would lose you one day … that I would lose myself if I lost you…?
"I'm sorry, Hana. Can you forgive me? …"
Rukawa takes Hanamichi in his arms, who is now in an uncontrollable fit of tears, no longer responding to Rukawa's words.
"Why did you do that to me, kitsune …" I hear Hanamichi's muffled voice, no longer charged with anger and feigned hatred. "why did you tell me you didn't love me … why did you do that to me … why? …"
"I'm sorry," Rukawa breathes, his fingers turning Hanamichi's face up to face his. "can you forgive me, do'aho? Can you forgive me?"
At this point, I turn away and walk in the other direction.
They love each other. I know it.
The expression, desperation and sincerity in Rukawa's voice, in his sheer amount of words – a total shock to me, the helpless, uncontrollable despair in Hanamichi's sobs … they love each other. It's as if they can't live without each other.
And before I realize what's happening, tears are streaming down my cheeks.
Snow begins to fall from the sky.
It hurts. It hurts to love someone.
And I'm back to where I started, though now all I've gained is an extra burden, an extra trouble to haunt me through the laborious tortures of everyday life.
Merry Christmas. I laugh.
Merry Christmas indeed.
I never understood what the poets and dreamers were talking about in books when they went on and on about how much it hurts to love someone. In fact, I never cared. I never thought to care.
But now I do. Now I understand it.
I understand it more than anything I've ever learned in this life.
It hurts. It hurts so, so much. It's as if your body is being torn apart bit by bit, your soul dragged along scorching plates of hot oven flames and stepped on just for the sake of it. It's as if all and every ounce of energy inside you is being sucked out of you as slowly as possible, just so that you can see each thing that ever meant anything to you being taken away, just so that you'll know there's nothing you can do to fight your fate. It hurts. God, it hurts.
And with every memory of him that strikes my mind comes a pang of irrepressible hurt dotted with countless tints of violent shame and disdainful regret.
I love him.
I shouldn't love him.
And it hurts.
It hurts more than ever.
Whoever said that love is the most beautiful thing in the world, that love is the most blissful experience in the universe – whoever said that was lying.
They lied to conceal the fact that love hurts. That love hurts like hell.
But now I wish desperately that those lies were true.
I catch a sight of myself from the outside and I laugh, softly and breathlessly, into the snow falling from the sky above me.
Why are you crying? I ask myself. It's just not meant to be. There's nothing to cry about.
It's just not meant to be.
And then a vision of Rukawa holding Hanamichi appears in my mind.
And I smile – a tearful, sad smile, but a smile nevertheless.
And I realize that what Rukawa can give Hanamichi, I'll never be able to give.
Rukawa has the ability to make Hanamichi happy. To make him smile after crying.
All I was ever able to do was cry with him.
They're meant for each other. Meant to be together.
I sigh. Hanamichi and I – it's just not meant to be.
It's just not meant to be.
I try to breathe properly as the tears gush out of me once again, unstoppably, forcefully, accepting the cold reality and cruel fate of my life.
And then, suddenly, a familiar voice –
"Sendoh – what are you doing here?"
I look up, my eyes meeting with those of an angel, my angel, my smiling angel – now and forever.
I blink the tears out of my eyes and laugh. I catch a glimpse of Rukawa standing behind him, glaring at me with the usual hatred – though now deepened by a vague sense of possessive protectiveness.
The grin on Hanamichi's face falters as his eyes drift over the moist tearstains on my face.
"Sendoh, why are you-"
I wave my hand in dismissal.
"Daijoubu," I cut him off. "daijoubu."
Hanamichi hesitates, his eyes widened in the same innocent denseness that captivated me at the very start.
"Maa…" he continues, scratching the back of his head. "what did you want to ask me yesterday?"
The grin reappears on his face. A grin that had disappeared without a trace just yesterday.
And I look and look at him, and know as clearly as I know I am to die, that I love him more than anything on this world, more than I should ever have loved anyone, right now and for the rest of my days.
And at this moment in time, all I want to do is tell him how much I love him, how much he means to me, how much I need him.
But I only smile and shake my head.
"Betsuni," I say. "betsuni."
He frowns and I smile again, this time a smile right from the bottom of my heart.
To be honest, what does it matter if I'm not with him, if we're not together? As long as he's happy, that's more than enough. As long as he's happy, what happens to me isn't in the least bit important. As long as he's happy, I'm happy.
His happiness is all that matters.
And his happiness is here, without me, with Rukawa. This is his happiness.
And that's all that matters.
I look over Hanamichi's shoulder at Rukawa and give him a smile as well.
"Merry Christmas, the both of you."
Rukawa's glare softens somewhat at the mention of the expression 'the both of you', as if pondering the meaning behind my phrase. A pinkish flush creeps across Hanamichi's cheeks.
"See ya 'round then." I smile one last time before turning around and walking away from the couple as quickly as possible.
What I would give to hold him, to let him know how much I yearn to hold him.
But … that would get in the way of his happiness.
And his happiness is all that matters.
His smile is all that matters to me.
Even if it means I'll never smile again, smile a real, true smile – it doesn't matter. Just so long as he's happy. Just so long as he doesn't lose that smile of his, that magical, miraculous smile of his that lighted up the darkness of my world like the moon trapped in the confines of the dark night sky.
What happens to me is of no importance in comparison to just one smile from him.
"Goodbye, Hanamichi." I breathe.
Amongst the pattering of the snow falling to the ground and the loud, tired beating of my broken heart, I hear two voices.
"… Do you love me, kitsune?"
"…"
"Teme!! What does that mean?? Why aren't you answering??!!"
"Do'aho."
"Teme kitsune!!! What did you say??"
"You know the answer to that question."
"Baka kitsune!!! How dare you insult the tensai!!!"
"…" A sigh.
A short silence.
"Hana?"
"…Eh?"
"Merry Christmas."
"… Merry Christmas, Kaede."
I hear a smile through his voice, and tears instinctively fall from my eyes.
Don't turn back, I tell myself. Don't ever turn back.
What I would give to let him know that I would do anything just to make him smile.
And as my steps echo through the misty silence of this snowy Christmas Day, I muster the strength for one last smile, one last real smile.
"Merry Christmas, Hanamichi." I whisper into the wind.
End
Notes (longer): So that's it…
Not a really cheerful ending, is it? -_- *feels a bit glum* Poor Sen-kun…
Sendoh: Why did you do that to me, Lanie-chan? *whines*
Lanie: Erm…well you can't blame me, Sendoh-san…gomen nasai…but I am a Ruhana fan after all… ^_^" ehehe…
Sendoh: Demo…shouldn't Christmas be a happy season? You should have given me a happy ending!
Lanie: *coughs* Well, umm, it depends on how you view this fic ending…it could be viewed as a happy ending you know…what with you realizing that Sakuragi's happiness is all that matters to you, and Sakuragi finally finding happiness at the end – I would say that's a happy ending, wouldn't you? *laughs nervously*
Sendoh: Maa…
Lanie: And it's tough! I like Ruhana, so sumimasen! *bows*
Sendoh: *pouts* Oh well…
Lanie: And when it comes down to it, I'm just a delusional 14 year old girl who turns to fantasy anime to release the stress from her struggles with real, everyday life, and you're just a non-existent anime character…
Sendoh: *frowns* Eh? *confused*
Lanie: *sweatdrop* ^_^" Ehh… never mind… Merry Christmas, Sendoh-san!
Sendoh: *laughs* Merry Christmas!
Originally Moonglow told me to write an X'mas fic with whatever storyline and characters I pleased, although her request was for me to include Sen-kun in it…
This posed a problem for me … what with me being the over-obsessed mushy Ruhana fan that I am, Sendoh actually creates a bit of a love triangle here… in yaoified SD I mean ^_~ … so I didn't know how and what to write…
And another problematic factor was the fact that I can't write in third person…I can only write in first person POV…so I figured that I would probably be writing as Sen-kun… and I was a bit worried because I had no idea how Sen-kun thinks romantically…
So I thought about it … and at the beginning, I actually decided to do an angsty SenRu fic…
But after a while, I decided not to … because to tell you the truth, it's too hard for me to write about a pairing that I don't believe in at all… with Ruhana I strongly believe in it, so it's easier and more fun… so at the end, I decided to do a Ruhana…
And I came up with the theme of Sendoh's unrequited love for Sakuragi… ^_^ I figured that his smile might be a mask, and that with the unusual amount of attention he pays Sakuragi in the anime/manga, it could mean something else (o.O yaoi mind working overtime… hehehe) So that was how I started the fic…
For me, this fic is a tad bit depressing for Christmas ^_^" *sweatdrop*
But… I'm an angst fan, so I thrive on sad stuff ^_~
Gomen to all those people who were expecting something high-spirited for the Christmas season…I'm useless at writing humour or anything like that _~"
Sakuragi: Oi! *prods Lanie* Lanie: *jumps up* Hai, Sakuragi-kun?
Sakuragi: *growls* Teme!! The tensai would never cry, especially for that stupid kitsune!! *stares at Rukawa*
Lanie: *laughs nervously* Uhh…you would actually, it's just that you don't know it… ^_^" hehe… ne, Rukawa-kun?
Rukawa: …
Sakuragi: K'so… *looks down at the floor*Rukawa: Do'aho.
Sakuragi: Nani??
Lanie: Err… cut it out, ne? It's Christmas after all! *smiles*
Sakuragi: *pouts* Fine…
Rukawa: … Un…
Lanie: Hehe… *grins* Merry Christmas guys…
Well, enough of my hallucinations for now ^_~ kekeke… my 6th (6th right? ^_^") fic and the standard still hasn't improved much -_-" But… *sighs* It's alright…'cause writing fics is a break from everyday life ^_~
Merry Christmas everyone! ^.^
And to Moonglow, hope you like the fic ^_^ It's different from the other X'mas fics on your site, ne? Not as cheery… hehe ^_~ But I hope you like it…hope it increases the number of Sendoh fics on Storm in a Teacup ^.^ And thanks for everything once again…this fic is for you :P *huggles*
Anyway, enough of my ramblings for now ^_^"
Merry Christmas, minna, all the best and take care! *big hug* ^_^
Have fun!
~Lanie~