I had a very strange idea in my head and it would not go away. Prepare yourselves. The next few chapters are just going to be craziness with very little plot. Why? Because that's the way it's going in my insane mind that's why!!!
The Court Martial of Sergeant Snuffles
The trouble started the way most messes on the base started. Shipwreck decided that he'd had enough work for the day and wanted to goof off. In fact, he didn't feel like doing anything, such as teaching the kids for the day. So he simply told them to do some kind of class project and videotape it for him to judge it.
The perfect crime, Shipwreck sighed as he relaxed in his hammock.
"SHIPWRECK!" Beach Head shouted as he stormed up to him. Duke was reluctantly following him. "WHERE ARE THOSE INSANE KIDS?"
Shipwreck calmly looked around. "Not here."
"I can see that!" Beach Head hissed.
"Shipwreck wasn't today the day you were supposed to be teaching the kids in class?" Duke asked.
"I gave them a project to do."
"What kind of project?" Beach Head growled.
"How should I know? I told them to surprise me."
"That's what I'm afraid of," Duke grabbed the hammock and tipped Shipwreck out. "Come on! Let's go find them!"
"Okay, okay," Shipwreck grumbled. "What's got your panties in a twist anyway?"
"They stole his teddy bear again," Duke told them as they went off to find the kids.
"Sgt. Snuffles isn't just a teddy bear!" Beach Head snapped.
"Beach Head please," Shipwreck groaned. "We don't want to know what your relationship to that stuffed animal is! Hey Tunnel Rat! Have you seen the kids?"
"Yeah they were in the courthouse last I checked," Tunnel Rat told him. "Said they had some kind of project due. Now that I think about it, they also had your teddy bear Beach Head."
"WHAT?" Beach Head and the others raced off. They burst in the courtroom and saw all the kids dressed up. "What are you doing?" Beach Head shouted.
"We're putting Sgt. Snuffles on trial," Todd said matter of factly.
"YOU ARE WHAT?" Beach Head shouted.
"It's a class project," Wanda said. "I'm the prosecutor, Toad's the defending attorney. Xi's the bailiff. Pietro's the court stenographer…"
"Why do I have to be the court stenographer?" Pietro snapped.
"Because you're the only one who can type," Wanda said. "Well at least type well."
"Who's the judge?" Shipwreck asked. "Lance?"
"No I'm filming the project," Lance told them. He was wearing a director's beret and shades. "Okay people quiet on the set!" He shouted in a bullhorn.
"Then who?" Duke asked.
"I am!" Althea walked in wearing judges' robes.
"Wait a minute," Lance pointed out. "Isn't this supposed to be a military court?"
"Yeah but none of Hawk's uniforms fit me," Althea said. "It's all just pretend anyway."
"See Duke," Shipwreck said. "The kids are fine. You have to admit it's a good project for them."
"A very fitting project for them since they've had a lot of run-ins with the law," Beach Head grumbled.
"So why don't we leave the kids alone," Shipwreck asked.
"I think we all should hang around here just to supervise them," Duke stopped Shipwreck from leaving.
"Yeah if you think I'm leaving Sgt. Snuffles alone with these lunatics you are mistaken!" Beach Head grumbled as they sat down in the back.
"ACTION!" Lance shouted.
"The people vs. Sgt. Snuffles," Xi said. "On the charge of murder in the first degree."
"WHAT?" Beach Head shouted. "THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS! SGT. SNUFFLES WOULD NEVER HURT ANYONE! THIS IS A FRAME UP!"
"Oh for god's sakes Beach Head get a grip," Duke moaned.
"Your Honor. We will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the defendant murdered a Miss Pink Fuzzybunnyslippers in a fit of jealous rage," Wanda said. "Murdered in cold blood as an act of revenge when she started to see another man behind his back."
"I do not believe I am watching this," Duke moaned.
"Neither am I," Beach Head folded his arms. "It's a travesty of justice! We all know Sgt. Snuffles is innocent!"
"I don't know. I always thought he had shifty eyes," Shipwreck said.
"I am not here," Duke moaned. "I am asleep in my office having a very bad dream. I am not here."
"Therefore the people demand the maximum penalty," Wanda continued. "Shot at dawn."
"YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SHOOT MY TEDDY BEAR!" Beach Head shouted.
"Order in the court!" Althea banged on her gavel. "And if anyone actually orders some food I will personally sentence you to 20 years in Sing Sing!" Everyone looked at Fred.
"I wasn't hungry anyway," Fred sniffed.
"Just out of curiosity, how many cups of BA's coffee did you kids have?" Duke sighed.
"Only a couple cups," Todd said.
"Apiece?" Duke asked. Todd nodded. "Oh goody."
"Hey are we gonna get on with this or are we gonna goof off all day?" Althea asked.
"Oh okay," Todd got up and strutted around the room. "Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, esteemed colleagues, people of the media, friends, Romans, countrymen…"
"GET ON WITH IT!" Everyone shouted.
"Sgt. Snuffles is a good teddy bear," Todd continued. "A faithful teddy bear. An honest teddy bear. Now look at this face," He held up the bear. "Is this the face of a murderer? Is this the face of a monster? Sgt. Snuffles is an innocent bear! Innocent! He was framed!"
"I told you so!"
"Beach Head will you please shut up?" Althea shouted. "I lost my train of thought. Pietro read back what the defense said from the record."
"From the record?" Pietro asked. "What you wanted me to write that down?"
"Where's a nice relaxing assignment to a terrorist base in Afghanistan when you need it?" Duke moaned.
"Oh forget it!" Althea said. "Prosecution call your first witness!"
"I call to the stand, Detective Dukes!" Wanda said.
Fred put on a police hat and went to the stand. Xi held up a book. "Do you swear?" Xi started to say.
"Certainly not! It's a bad habit!" Fred said.
"Will you let him finish?" Althea groaned. "Are you gonna tell the truth or not?"
"Give me a minute," Fred looked like he was thinking.
"This is the future of the human race huh?" Beach Head asked. "I wonder if it's possible to transfer to another species?"
"Detective Dukes," Wanda began. "Can you describe what happened the evening of November the something of something?"
"The something of something?" Althea asked.
"We couldn't agree on a date," Wanda told her.
"Oh, carry on."
"Well," Fred said. "I was having a doughnut at my desk. One of those maple glazed ones. Those are really good. You know they are just fluffy enough…"
"She wants you to tell her about the murder Perry Mason!" Althea whacked him on the head with her gavel.
"Oh that," Fred rubbed his head. "Well we found the victim dead on her apartment floor. She had been killed somehow and we decided that Sgt. Snuffles must have done it because he was the last one to see her alive. Well that and the letter telling him that she was breaking off the engagement was there right next to the body as well."
"The methods of modern police detection in action folks," Beach Head droned.
"Shipwreck we really have got to increase these kids education on the judicial system," Duke groaned. "Or their medication."
"Either way suits me," Beach Head grumbled.
"I now call to the stand Mr.Stupid," Wanda put the stuffed cat on the stand. "Mr. Stupid can you tell us about your relationship with the victim." Silence. "I see. Mr. Stupid said that he had a long-standing affair with Ms. Pinkfuzzybunnyslippers. And that she was going to break off her engagement with Sgt. Snuffles."
"I do not believe this," Duke moaned as Wanda went on.
"Neither do I," Beach Head said. "Sgt. Snuffles is gonna fry." The other two men looked at him.
"Oh look it's now Toad's turn," Shipwreck sighed as he went up and started his defense.
"I object!" Wanda stood up. "The defense is influencing the judge!"
Althea looked up. Todd had his head in her lap. "What makes you say that?" She asked innocently.
"You gotta admit it's a good strategy," Shipwreck commented.
"Now Mr. Stupid," Todd strutted around. "Isn't really true that the victim was really breaking up with you and not the defendant? In fact I have proof that the note left was a perfect forgery. Exhibit A!" He showed two pieces of paper. "And Exhibit B. Exhibit A is the note left at the crime scene and Exhibit B is a note found in your drawer. A note almost identical to Exhibit A but with one small change, the note is breaking off with you not Sgt. Snuffles! How do you account for this?" Silence. "Speechless huh? What about Exhibit C? These sticks of dynamite? Along with this plan to blow up Sgt. Snuffles?" Todd took them out.
"Now where did you get those?" Duke asked.
"The triplets made them," Todd said. "Which brings me to Exhibit D…one purchase order…"
"IT WAS MR. STUPID ALL ALONG!" Beach Head shouted. "ADMIT IT! ADMIT IT YOU STUPID CAT!" Beach Head leapt up and started strangling the stuffed animal.
"BEACH HEAD WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?" Duke shouted and tried to pry him away from the cat. "You'll kill him! What am I saying?"
"Die Cat die!" Beach Head strangled the stuffed animal and threw it against the wall. As he got caught up in the moment he took out his rifle.
"NOOOO!" Wanda shouted and hexed it so that the bullets missed the stuffed animal and went right into the wall. And into the dynamite. The kids barely missed being blown up along with the wall.
"Well that ends that case," Todd coughed.
"You blew up a wall!" Fred cried out. "You did a bad thing!"
"And you say we make a mess?" Lance laughed.
"Sorry," Beach Head gulped. "I got a little carried away."
"No really?" Shipwreck asked sarcastically.
"How are we going to get out of this?" Duke snapped. "We've already blown up two walls this month! Headquarters will want someone to take the blame!"
Shipwreck scratched his head. Then his eyes came to rest on the teddy bear. "I have an idea…"
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Not long after at the Pentagon some staff sergeants were going over some papers. "Look at this!" One said. "Another request for funds for a wall! What is it with those Joes?"
"How did it happen this time?" The other officer asked.
"According to this one of the officers went nuts after somebody framed a friend of his for murdering a stuffed animal," The first officer said. "Take a look."
"Well whoever this Sgt. Snuffles is I hope they throw the book at him this time!" The second officer said. "That's the third thing he's blown up this year!"