Insanity and Surprises
The next morning Cover Girl had an announcement. "We're going on a field trip," Cover Girl told them. "Because you kids have all earned it."
"Not to mention Hawk wants some time to repair the base," Low Light muttered underneath his breath. "Roadblock, Avalanche what possessed the two of you to trash the firing range?"
"We were just letting off some steam," Roadblock waved. "Also working on bonding as a team."
"Like you guys were doing yesterday," Lance said.
"Oh man we are more messed up than I thought," Low Light sighed.
Somehow they found a huge army truck and drove off. After nearly half an hour they soon reached their destination. "Wal-Mart," Low Light groaned as they got out. "This ought to be fun."
"Not just any Wal-Mart!" Cover Girl said cheerfully. "It's one of them with the grocery stores inside."
"Oh that just makes it extra special," Low Light drawled.
"Actually I'm looking forward to it," Pietro said.
"What?" Low Light asked.
"Be afraid," Lance told him. "Be very afraid."
"What about Xi?" Todd pointed out.
"Oh yeah I forgot," Althea looked at him. "People will see him! And no offense Xi but folks aren't going to be exactly thrilled by how you look."
"So they will simply not see me," Xi shrugged and turned himself invisible.
"Well that's one way to solve the problem," Todd said.
"Hey they got all the new Malerie's Surprise underwear out," Fred grabbed a nearby pamphlet.
"Malerie's Surprise?" Cover Girl's voice grew cold.
"What is it?" Fred asked.
"I know Malerie herself," Cover Girl said. "From my days as a model. But I don't want to talk about it. It would do you no good to tell you what a scheming backstabbing slut she was!"
"Okay uh, Spirit," Low Light looked at him. "I don't think they'll allow Freedom in the store."
"Well Polly's coming," Althea said.
"Awk, fair is fair!" The parrot whistled.
"Oh here we go," Roadblock groaned as they went inside.
Not long after shouts, screams and questions were all over the store.
"Now how in the world could you have seen a tornado in housewares?"
"Why is there bubble bath all over the floor?"
"Who drew faces on all the pumpkins?"
"How did all the lobsters get loose?"
"Has someone been sampling the wine in the wine aisle?"
"Who switched clothes on all the mannequins?"
"Where did that earthquake come from?"
"Run for your life! There's a crazy parrot dive bombing people!"
"How did the underwear department catch on fire?"
"Who let that bald eagle in here?"
"Where did all the chocolate cream pies go?"
"What is that stuff on the wall?"
"Will the two nuts dueling with the toy lightsabers knock it off!"
"I did not see a kid climb on the walls. I did not see a kid climb on the walls. I did not see a kid climb on the walls…"
"There's this weird looking psychotic baby in the makeup department! He's drawing lipstick on everything he can see!"
"Well that explains your face and clothes."
"Will somebody please stop those kids from playing with the fire extinguishers?"
"Who ate all the grapes?"
"For the last time George there is no such thing as an invisible man!"
"Well then how do you explain those cookies flying around by themselves?"
"Okay now how did that get on the ceiling?"
"Somebody help me! These three strange girls stole my pants!"
"Will you people stop having cart races in the aisles?"
"Okay who tied up the greeter with toilet paper?"
"He ate what?"
"Who set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals?"
"Marco!"
"Polo!"
"Who wound up all the toy cars?"
"There are no such things as invisible people. There are no such things as invisible people. There are no such things as…"
"Okay! Who's been sampling all the air fresheners? This aisle stinks!"
"Look we have a situation here! There's this strange white haired kid dueling an even stranger blond guy in army getup and night goggles with tubes of gift rap! They're starting to scare people!"
"No we do not have valet parking sir! What kids drove off with your car?"
"There are Cheerios all over the floor."
"Its okay, that weird baby and that fat kid there are eating them."
"Marco!"
"Polo!"
"Cleanup in aisle seven. And eight. And nine. And ten…."
"You are not allowed to bowl with fruit in the aisles!"
"There's some kind of snake creature in the women's bathroom! I saw it! Just before it disappeared!"
"Sir please stop banging your head against the wall."
"I can't stand it," Roadblock groaned as he banged his head against the wall. "I'm gonna have a fit!"
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"I cannot believe this!" Hawk snapped. They were all assembled in his office the following day. "Can't you people go anywhere? I expected better out of you! You trashed a Wal-Mart! There is no excuse for this behavior! And you kids were just as bad as the adults were!"
"We were just following their example," Todd said innocently.
"Liar!" Low Light snapped.
"Quiet!" Hawk snapped. "Blind Master, Spirit! I'm especially disappointed in the two of you! Really, two grown men playing 'Marco Polo' in the aisles. Not to mention chasing the store manager with toy lightsabers!"
"We merely sensed a disturbance in the force," The Blind Master said matter of factly.
"You're disturbed all right! And I'm gonna use force!" Hawk snapped. "Roadblock you're supposed to be the leader here and look what happened!"
"I didn't mean to make those dents in the wall," Roadblock said. "But I had enough of them all. But I did get them under control."
"If you can call that by screaming at the top of your lungs 'If you don't knock it off I will shoot you down like a dog' and chasing after them with a fire extinguisher…"
"That was for Cover Girl!" Roadblock defended.
"I was merely protesting Malerie's sexist underwear," She sniffed. "It wasn't fit to be exposed to impressionable children."
"I don't know what's more incredible," Hawk said. "The fact you caused that much damage after the last time you maniacs trashed a store or the fact that Shipwreck wasn't there to help with the destruction! It was only through sheer terror they refused to press charges against any of you, as long as you never come back!"
"So it's just another place we're banned from," Low Light shrugged.
"We're on KP duty aren't we?" Lance asked.
"Oh yeah. For at least a…" Hawk snarled. Suddenly an explosion rocked the base. "WHAT THE…"
"That wasn't me!" Lance protested.
"Oh why do I have the feeling that more people will be joining you on KP duty?" Hawk sighed. Then the phone rang. Hawk picked it up. "Yes? Oh…goody. No don't tell me what happened. I want it to be a surprise."
"What's all that about," Althea asked as Hawk hung up.
"Oh good news," Hawk said. "Shipwreck's coming back early tonight. Wonderful. I wonder what he blew up this time?"
Duke poked his head into the room. "Uh sir that noise you heard, some of the men accidentally blew up one of the tanks."
"Please tell me it was during maneuvers," Hawk groaned.
"Uh no, it was Leatherneck and Wet Suit being their usual immature selves," Duke admitted.
"Don't tell me the details. If I wanted to be around mature people I should have opened a day care center," Hawk sighed. "Same thing as what I'm doing now only there aren't any explosives!"
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That afternoon Lance, Pietro and Xi found themselves delegated to the potato peeling room. "Well this is a fun way to spend the day," Lance sighed.
"I think you've been hanging around Roadblock too long," Pietro said. "You're starting to talk like him." He then noticed that Xi was fingering something in his pocket. "Hey what are you doing?"
"Nothing," Xi said quickly.
"Hey you've got something!" Lance said. "What is it?"
"What do you have there Xi?" Pietro grabbed it. "What the…?"
"What is it?" Lance asked. It was a star shaped bottle. Pietro held it up so he could smell it. "Perfume? Where did you get perfume?"
"Is that what it is?" Xi asked. "I saw it yesterday at the store. It was interesting and it smelled nice so I wanted to examine it."
"You stole perfume?" Lance asked.
"Is that wrong?" Xi blinked.
Lance and Pietro looked at each other a full few seconds before cracking up with laughter. "Oh Xi," Pietro laughed. "Sometimes you can be a real riot!"
"I did something wrong didn't I?" Xi asked.
"Well it was no more wrong than any of the other stuff we did yesterday," Lance shrugged. "No big deal. But I wouldn't mention this to any of the adults if I were you. I can't believe you took perfume of all things!"
"I like the scent," Xi sniffed it.
"You put it on like this," Pietro squirted some on Xi's arm. "See?"
"Oh," Xi took a sniff. "I like that! It's very nice!"
"It is nice isn't it?" Pietro squirted himself.
"Uh you guys do know that stuff is for women right?" Lance asked getting a little worried.
"It's for females?" Xi blinked. "What do they use it for?"
"It makes them more attractive for guys," Pietro explained.
"And males don't put on scent?" Xi asked.
"Actually they do," Lance told Xi.
"So you wear perfume too," Xi said.
"Actually we wear cologne," Lance said.
"What's that?" Xi asked.
"Liquid scent like this," Pietro explained. "Only stronger."
"So you do wear perfume too," Xi said.
"No we wear cologne," Lance said. "Guys wear cologne."
"But it's the exact same thing as perfume," Xi said. "Therefore it is perfume."
"No it's like perfume but it's not!" Lance said.
"Perfume," Xi said.
"Cologne," Lance snapped.
"Perfume."
"Cologne!"
"Perfume!"
"Cologne!" Lance screamed. "Cologne! Cologne! Cologne!"
Xi blinked. "Perfume."
"AGGGHHH!" Lance groaned. "Look Xi, boys wear cologne! Girls wear perfume! Got it?"
"But it's the same thing with a different name," Xi told him.
"Yeah Lance lighten up," Pietro squirted him with it.
"AGGGHH!" Lance screamed again. "Don't do that!"
Pietro squirted him again. "Pietro I am warning you," Lance clenched his fists. "If you do that one more time…" Pietro did it again. "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE DEAD!" Immediately Lance started chasing Pietro around, unsuccessfully.
"Oh yeah like you're really gonna catch me!" Pietro stuck his tongue out from on top of a pile of potatoes.
"We'll see about that!" Lance snapped as he sent off a tremor, causing the potatoes to fall. Unfortunately they fell on him and Xi.
"Not one of your smarter moves Lance," Pietro quipped as he struggled to free himself from the potatoes.
"Oh shut up and dig me out of here," Lance grumbled from underneath the mound.
"What the heck is going on in here?" BA stormed in and looked at the mess.
"Pietro was annoying Lance with perfume and Lance got mad," Xi told him.
"So that's why it smells like perfume in here?" BA asked.
"Sorry," Lance gulped.
"No don't be. I like it!" BA told him.
"This place is nuts," Lance muttered.
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Later that evening Shipwreck swaggered home with something in a blanket. "Hi Kids! I got a surprise for you!" He called out. Immediately he was swarmed with kids trying to take a good look at what was in his hands.
"We got a pet?" Quinn asked happily.
"Cool!" Pietro shouted.
"Not exactly," Shipwreck told her. Adjusting the blanket so they could see what was inside. A pair of large black eyes blinked at them.
"What the…?" Lance yelped. Inside the blanket was a tiny mutant. It had a beak on its face and was covered with soft downy feathers on its tiny body.
"Kids," Shipwreck said matter of factly. "Meet your new brother. His name's Barnell or Barney for short. But we call him 'Beak'."
Yup, I 'Evo-tized' one of my favorite new mutants! I think he goes better with the Misfits anyway! Coming up! More on Baby Beaky!