Last Dance
AN: This was originally the last chapter, with an Irina POV at the end...but since you guys gave me so much encouragement, there's one more after this...
Chapter Five
Laura felt as if she was drowning. Well, perhaps she was. After all, that's how she would die, wasn't it? But she wasn't drowning in water- no, even worse, emotion. She felt such desperation and hopelessness that she thought it would kill her. She hated herself, couldn't believe the choices she had made in the past, couldn't believe she would serve a country she hadn't seen for ten years instead of the demands of her husband and daughter.
And she hated how Anya spoke of Jack. She was so...ruthless. Had she been like this in the past? She called him many names, called him stupid, and naive, and Laura wished she could just tell her sister that, no, Jack wasn't like that, he was so intelligent, and gentle, and full of life.
But Laura knew she would have to endure this. Listening to Anya was just the beginning.
And she knew she would have to learn to call him the same.
***
The next three days passed by in a blur for Laura. She thought that Anya's arrival with her orders had only been a dream...or so she thought until she got a call reminding her of SOP the next day.
Jack called from work suggesting they go out that night, and Laura realized she would have to choose between spending her last night in this life with her daughter and husband.
As much as I hate to admit it, Sydney will forget a lot about me after I die. Jack won't. But she'll forgive me for what I've done...and he probably never will.
Tears coursed down Laura's cheeks as she cheerfully agreed to a night of drinking and dancing.
***
I was right, Jack hadn't forgiven me. I couldn't imagine, even then, how much he would hate me when I popped back into his life. I'd felt hate in my lifetime, many times, and most of it was directed at myself. But what he felt for me transcended hate...this emotion had no name.
The Jack that Laura knew wouldn't have been able to feel like that...and I realize that it's my fault he can.
I can't believe what I've done to him. I couldn't imagine that he would be like this...I imagined that he would find someone else, someone who could love him without a lie, someone who could be Sydney's mother. The one who could do all that I couldn't.
But he didn't. He withdrew into himself, and became cold and impersonal instead.
***
Twelve hours and several scotches later, Jack was trying to convince Laura to dance with him. "Come on!" he exclaimed, playfully pulling her onto the dance floor as the live band struck up a slow dance.
She succumbed to his requests and was instantly enclosed in his arms. Despite what she knew had to happen in just a day's time, she realized she still felt at home there. She still felt like Laura, who danced with Jack at her wedding, and in the privacy of their own home, and at parties.
But this dance wasn't like the others- she'd been happy like then, and dancing had seemed like Heaven. She was surprised that dancing with Jack would be Hell.
They revolved slowly on the floor, and as the song came to it's end, he whispered in her ear, "You know I love you. Always, I promise."
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she nodded. "I love you too. Never forget that, whatever happens to us."
He noticed, then, that she was crying. "Let's go home. You're tired," he said.
***
Tears roll down my cheeks as I whisper to myself, "He forgot. He forgot that I loved him. He forgot that I'm sorry."
***
As they drove away, Laura realized that was her last dance with Jack. And for the rest of her time as Laura, she prayed that it would never end.
Laura gave herself up to Jack that night, hoping he would realize what had caused her to cry.
And as she sat watching him later, tracing his chest with her fingers, she swore she would never forgive herself for all the hurt Irina would cause this man.
She'd cried again, thinking Jack was asleep, but it turns out he knew something was wrong. "Laura, please don't cry. Tell me what is wrong."
She could only say, "I can't make this right. I'm sorry." She hoped he would ask what, because she was willing to pour out her feelings at his word, but he simply took her into his arms and whispered back, "You'll make it right. I know you will."
***
The next morning seemed like any other- only one person in the room realized this was the end of normalcy for everyone present. She made French toast for them all, Jack's favorite, she realized and they giggled together discussing their plans for the day. Sydney would be going to her dance lessons, and Jack said he would be staying late in the office.
"Sydney, would you mind if I took you to school today?" Laura asked, praying her daughter would say yes. And after all the praying I've done, I need something to come out right, she thought.
"Sure, mommy," Sydney replied.
Laura kissed Jack goodbye, willing herself not to cry as they parted. "Ready for school, kid?" she called to Sydney as she broke away reluctantly and prayed for one last time that Jack would see something in her eyes.
Sydney was quiet on the way to school, and as she popped open the passenger's side door, she suddenly burst into tears.
Laura couldn't control her own emotions and began to cry too as she asked Sydney, "What's wrong?"
"Why do I feel like something is wrong?" Sydney wailed.
Laura grabbed Sydney and held her close until both mother and daughter stopped sobbing. Please let her figure it out...please, let her get sick; make me stay at home with her....
"Shhh," Laura whispered, feeling her heart break for the first time that day. "Everything will be fine."
Sydney finally gathered up her school things and stepped outside, waving solemnly to her mother.
Laura drove a mile away and pulled over, as she sobbed hysterically for what seemed like hours, finally accepting that this was it...the only thing that could stop her now was herself. And when she finally calmed down, she realized from that moment on she was Irina Derevko again.
***
AN: This was originally the last chapter, with an Irina POV at the end...but since you guys gave me so much encouragement, there's one more after this...
Chapter Five
Laura felt as if she was drowning. Well, perhaps she was. After all, that's how she would die, wasn't it? But she wasn't drowning in water- no, even worse, emotion. She felt such desperation and hopelessness that she thought it would kill her. She hated herself, couldn't believe the choices she had made in the past, couldn't believe she would serve a country she hadn't seen for ten years instead of the demands of her husband and daughter.
And she hated how Anya spoke of Jack. She was so...ruthless. Had she been like this in the past? She called him many names, called him stupid, and naive, and Laura wished she could just tell her sister that, no, Jack wasn't like that, he was so intelligent, and gentle, and full of life.
But Laura knew she would have to endure this. Listening to Anya was just the beginning.
And she knew she would have to learn to call him the same.
***
The next three days passed by in a blur for Laura. She thought that Anya's arrival with her orders had only been a dream...or so she thought until she got a call reminding her of SOP the next day.
Jack called from work suggesting they go out that night, and Laura realized she would have to choose between spending her last night in this life with her daughter and husband.
As much as I hate to admit it, Sydney will forget a lot about me after I die. Jack won't. But she'll forgive me for what I've done...and he probably never will.
Tears coursed down Laura's cheeks as she cheerfully agreed to a night of drinking and dancing.
***
I was right, Jack hadn't forgiven me. I couldn't imagine, even then, how much he would hate me when I popped back into his life. I'd felt hate in my lifetime, many times, and most of it was directed at myself. But what he felt for me transcended hate...this emotion had no name.
The Jack that Laura knew wouldn't have been able to feel like that...and I realize that it's my fault he can.
I can't believe what I've done to him. I couldn't imagine that he would be like this...I imagined that he would find someone else, someone who could love him without a lie, someone who could be Sydney's mother. The one who could do all that I couldn't.
But he didn't. He withdrew into himself, and became cold and impersonal instead.
***
Twelve hours and several scotches later, Jack was trying to convince Laura to dance with him. "Come on!" he exclaimed, playfully pulling her onto the dance floor as the live band struck up a slow dance.
She succumbed to his requests and was instantly enclosed in his arms. Despite what she knew had to happen in just a day's time, she realized she still felt at home there. She still felt like Laura, who danced with Jack at her wedding, and in the privacy of their own home, and at parties.
But this dance wasn't like the others- she'd been happy like then, and dancing had seemed like Heaven. She was surprised that dancing with Jack would be Hell.
They revolved slowly on the floor, and as the song came to it's end, he whispered in her ear, "You know I love you. Always, I promise."
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she nodded. "I love you too. Never forget that, whatever happens to us."
He noticed, then, that she was crying. "Let's go home. You're tired," he said.
***
Tears roll down my cheeks as I whisper to myself, "He forgot. He forgot that I loved him. He forgot that I'm sorry."
***
As they drove away, Laura realized that was her last dance with Jack. And for the rest of her time as Laura, she prayed that it would never end.
Laura gave herself up to Jack that night, hoping he would realize what had caused her to cry.
And as she sat watching him later, tracing his chest with her fingers, she swore she would never forgive herself for all the hurt Irina would cause this man.
She'd cried again, thinking Jack was asleep, but it turns out he knew something was wrong. "Laura, please don't cry. Tell me what is wrong."
She could only say, "I can't make this right. I'm sorry." She hoped he would ask what, because she was willing to pour out her feelings at his word, but he simply took her into his arms and whispered back, "You'll make it right. I know you will."
***
The next morning seemed like any other- only one person in the room realized this was the end of normalcy for everyone present. She made French toast for them all, Jack's favorite, she realized and they giggled together discussing their plans for the day. Sydney would be going to her dance lessons, and Jack said he would be staying late in the office.
"Sydney, would you mind if I took you to school today?" Laura asked, praying her daughter would say yes. And after all the praying I've done, I need something to come out right, she thought.
"Sure, mommy," Sydney replied.
Laura kissed Jack goodbye, willing herself not to cry as they parted. "Ready for school, kid?" she called to Sydney as she broke away reluctantly and prayed for one last time that Jack would see something in her eyes.
Sydney was quiet on the way to school, and as she popped open the passenger's side door, she suddenly burst into tears.
Laura couldn't control her own emotions and began to cry too as she asked Sydney, "What's wrong?"
"Why do I feel like something is wrong?" Sydney wailed.
Laura grabbed Sydney and held her close until both mother and daughter stopped sobbing. Please let her figure it out...please, let her get sick; make me stay at home with her....
"Shhh," Laura whispered, feeling her heart break for the first time that day. "Everything will be fine."
Sydney finally gathered up her school things and stepped outside, waving solemnly to her mother.
Laura drove a mile away and pulled over, as she sobbed hysterically for what seemed like hours, finally accepting that this was it...the only thing that could stop her now was herself. And when she finally calmed down, she realized from that moment on she was Irina Derevko again.
***