Final Battle: Lifeline vs. Sabertooth!

"Let me get this straight?" Roadblock blinked. "You want to fight…Lifeline?"

"But I'm a non-combatant," Lifeline said. "I'm not supposed to fight."

"He knows that Lifeline," Logan growled. "I'll bet he read up on all the Joes' files. Figures he'd pick the easiest target!"

"It's true I may have listened around," Sabertooth fingered his claws. "Heard you had a pacifist for a medic. What a joke!"

"No," Hawk shook his head. "He is a non combatant. He's not allowed to fight."

"You said any Joe and I want him," Sabertooth sneered.

"Why you…" Logan shot out his claws. "What's wrong Sabertooth? Don't have the stomach for a real fight?"

"I just thought I'd rack up an easy win," Sabertooth grinned. "Unless he'd like to forfeit?"

"You can't do that!" Bobby shouted. "Lifeline you gotta fight."

"But I can't fight!" Lifeline said. "My job is healing. Not fighting."

"A poor excuse," Cobra Commander waved.

"I agree," Magneto nodded.

"Magnus please listen…" Xavier tried to reason with him. "What good will come of this? This isn't like you. Even you can't…"

"Enough Charles!" Magneto boomed. "Either the medic fights or the entire competition is null and void with us as the winners!"

"You can't do that!" Scott said.

"All right," Lifeline sighed. "I'll do it. I'll compete."

"Lifeline…" Hawk said.

"General you know what will happen to these kids if Cobra and Magneto gets their hands on them," Lifeline said. "I can't just stand by and let that happen. I have to break my vow. Just this once. For them."

"All right," Hawk sighed. "Just try to slow him down as much as possible."

"I'll do what I can," Lifeline sighed as he stepped forward.

"Well, well," Sabertooth sneered. "Looks like the coward does have some guts after all! Just to show that there are no hard feelings, I'll even let you get the first shot. Come on! Show me what you've got!"

"No."

"What did you say?" Sabertooth raised an eyebrow.

"I appreciate your offer of letting me hit you first," Lifeline told him. "But I have to decline. I'm afraid you are gonna have to attack first."

"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?" Sabertooth snarled.

"I said I'd compete with you," Lifeline told him. "I didn't say anything about attacking you!"

"WHAT?" Sabertooth snapped.

"I'm not going to attack you and that's final!" Lifeline snapped. "You may force me to fight, but you can't force me to intentionally hurt another living being! You can attack me all you like but I won't attack you!"

"Oh give me a break!" Sabertooth snarled. "Fine if that's the way you want it!" He rushed towards Lifeline with his claws extended. Lifeline made a swift movement.

"KIYIIIIIII!!!!!" Lifeline shouted.

And suddenly Sabertooth went sailing into a wall.

"Okay I didn't see what I thought I saw did I?" Remy blinked.

"I must have slipped," Sabertooth growled as he got up. He charged again.

"AIIII!"

Sabertooth flew into another wall. "Okay now I'm getting serious!" He charged.

"HAIIII!"

Again Sabertooth flew into a wall. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Sabertooth snarled.

"It's called Aikido," Hawk said calmly with a grin. "It's a Zen martial art with no offensive moves. The purpose is to redirect violent energy away from oneself." He grinned as Sabertooth flew into another wall. "Lifeline just happens to be a master at it."

"I'm sorry," Lifeline said. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Why you little…" Sabertooth growled and rushed at him again. And flew into a wall again. "This is getting embarrassing!"

"Do something you fool!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"What do you think I'm doing?" Sabertooth snarled.

"I'm really very sorry about this," Lifeline said.

"NOT SORRY ENOUGH!" Sabertooth roared and attacked again. And ended up with a face full of dirt. "All right," He got up. "Now I am getting ticked off!"

"Maybe you should stop now?" Lifeline asked.

"Maybe you oughta shut up!" Sabertooth snarled. "OW! OW!"

"What's wrong?" Lifeline asked.

"I think I broke something," Sabertooth grunted. "I can't get up."

"Here let me help you…"Lifeline reached out for him.

"NO LIFELINE DON'T!" Roadblock called out.

Too late, Sabertooth grabbed his arm and grinned. "Thought that would do it. Can always count on you bleeding hearts to be saps!"

"Sabertooth you dirty…"Logan growled.

Sabertooth lifted Lifeline up by his neck. Lifeline grabbed Sabertooth's neck in a feeble struggle to get loose. "Struggle all you like," He hissed. "I'm gonna enjoy this!"

"I can't watch," Amara hid her face.

"Now I'm gonna rip you to shreds you little…you little…" He then felt strange. He didn't notice Lifeline's hands were glowing as they held on to his neck. "Hey…what the…Oooh! That feels…good!" He lowered Lifeline to the ground. "That feels real good!"

"You seem to be very tense," Lifeline said.

"Yeah I've had this crick in the back of my neck for I don't know how long," Sabertooth slunk to his knees.

"What the hell is going on here?" Pyro yelped as Lifeline started giving Sabertooth a back massage.

"I'm sorry," Lifeline massaged his shoulders. "I really didn't want to do this."

"That's okay," Sabertooth said sleepily. "Oh could you go more to the left and down a bit? That's perfect! Oh man that feels sooo good!"

"What is he doing?" Magneto yelped. "What the hell is he doing?"

"Magneto! The medic is some kind of healer!" Mastermind said. "He's using his powers to calm Sabertooth down!"

"YOU'RE CHEATING!" Magneto shouted. "HE'S A MUTANT! YOU SAID HUMANS ONLY!"

"Actually he's not a mutant," Xavier told him with a smile. "He's human. He just happens to have extra sensory abilities, so technically it's legal!"

"That's right," Cobra Commander groaned. "I forgot all about that!"

"What?" Magneto roared. "And you didn't tell me about this?"

"Well excuse me!" Cobra Commander snapped. "How was I supposed to know he'd pick the one Joe with any powers at all? Besides, it was your idea!"

Destro snapped, "I told you not to agree to this farce. But nooooooo!"

"You really should have taken my advice and picked another Joe," Hawk snickered.

"I have seen a lot of fights in my day," Logan stared at the scene. "But this is by far the strangest one I have ever seen!"

"Oh I feel so mellow," Sabertooth purred as Lifeline continued his massage. "I haven't felt this good since…since I experimented with catnip when I was a kid. Ooohhh!"

"Will you just kill him you idiot!" Magneto screamed.

"Yeah…right," Sabertooth muttered sleepily. "I'll do it. Just after I finish my nap okay?" And with that he collapsed on the ground snoring.

"Game, set and match Magneto!" Roadblock hooted as well as all the X-Men and Misfits. "GI Joe Six! Magneto Zero!"