Warning: You are entering another insane chapter. Another one of my demented ideas that just had to get out. Yes I am evil. I admit it…

Hey Big Spender

It had been 24 hours since the battle and still Jean was missing. The X-Men were staying with the Misfits at their house. Todd and Althea were talking in the kitchen when Shipwreck walked in.

"Good news," Shipwreck told Althea. "We've found Jean."

"Already?" Althea said.

"Darn," Todd snapped his fingers. "So where is she?"

"With friends," Shipwreck looked a bit uncomfortable.

"What friends?" Althea asked. "Spill it Pop!"

"Okay but don't blurt out the details to the others just yet," Shipwreck sighed. "Those idiot Dreadnoks tried to sell her off at the Double Helix Ranch out in Reno. She's okay, nothing happened. At least to her. The Dreadnoks well…"

"Wait!" Althea blurted. "The Double Helix? Are you kidding?"

"No, so you can see why…Althea it's not funny!" Shipwreck admonished his laughing daughter.

"The hell it isn't!" Althea laughed. "Jean at the Double Helix? Good god!"

"Well I can see your point," Shipwreck sighed.

"What?" Todd asked. "What is it yo?"

"Let's just say it's no place for you until your bachelor party," Shipwreck told him.

"Say what?" Todd blinked. Althea whispered into his ear. Then he burst out laughing. "Oh man this is good! I can't wait to see Summers' face when he learns his girlfriend nearly got sold to a broth…."

"That's enough!" Shipwreck said sharply. "I don't think you should tell the X-Men about this no matter how funny it is."

"Fine with me," Althea smirked.

"My lips are sealed!" Todd snickered as they went into the living room. There were the assembled X-Men and Misfits along with Hawk, Roadblock and a general they didn't recognize.

"Professor this is General Manx," Hawk introduced the well-built general with graying hair. "He's the one who contacted us."

"How did you find her so quickly?" Xavier said. "Even without a machine like Cerebro?"

"One of my business partners called me," General Manx told him. "She said that there was an offer for a mutant that matched the description of Miss Grey." He looked at Althea and Todd snickering in the corner. "She has standing orders to inform me of all these sorts of transactions. It's sort of like a sting operation for people trying to sell off mutants."

"What sort of business?" Xavier raised an eyebrow.

"It's…classified," Manx told him.
"What some kind of experimentation?" Logan growled. At this Todd and Althea snickered again.

"No nothing like that," Manx said. "It's…private."

"I'll bet," Todd snickered under his breath.

"The important thing is she's okay and we thought we'd better let you know before we went to pick her up," Hawk said.

"I want to go!" Scott jumped up.

"No that's not a good idea," Hawk gulped.

"Why not?" Althea said. "He might like it!"

Shipwreck jabbed her with his elbow. "Uh… He means it's kind of secret and classified and stuff so you really don't want to intrude on military secrets and…"

"Jean is my student!" Xavier snapped. "I want to go and see her!"

"I'm coming to!" Hank said. "The girl might need medical attention."

At this both Todd and Althea broke out into peals of laughter. They quickly ducked into the kitchen when everyone glared at them. Lance followed them. "Okay what is it with you two? What's so funny?"

"Should we tell him?" Todd asked giggling.

"Why not?" Althea said. "We're only not supposed to tell the X-Men remember?"

"Tell them what?" Lance asked.

Twenty seconds later Lance's laughter could be heard from the kitchen. The ones in the living room turned and saw Lance stumble out giggling. "I'm sorry," He gasped. "Sorry to interrupt. Kids are being silly. Freddy you wanna come in here for a second please?"

"What for?" Fred asked.

"Just a little joke they told me," Lance sputtered, trying to hold the laughter in. "I think you might be interested in this."

"Fine," Fred got up and went into the kitchen. "What's going on you guys?"

"Um," Hawk said. "As I was saying I can understand Hank and the Professor wanting to go and maybe Logan but I really don't think…"

"OH THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD!" Fred's voice boomed out. He poked his head out of the kitchen. "Hey! Pietro come in here! You gotta hear this!"

"Fine its Dullsville out here anyway," Pietro zipped in. "So what is it? What's the big joke?" He closed the kitchen door.

"Where was I?" Hawk sighed. "Oh yes, due to the delicate nature I think it would be best if only the adults would come on this mission."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Pietro screamed. "THAT IS A RIOT! HAAHAHAHA! HEY WANDA GET IN HERE! BRING XI TOO!"

"Oh for crying out loud," Wanda got up and Xi followed her. "WHAT?" She banged the door shut as they went in.

Ten seconds later. "HAHAHAHAHA!" Wanda's laughter was heard everywhere.

Xi looked at the Misfits laughing. "I don't get it." He said.

"Let me explain," Pietro whispered in Xi's ear.

Xi's eyes widened. "You're joking? They pay people to do that?"

The others nodded. "Okay but I still don't get it," Xi said.

"Get what?" Rogue stomped in. "You yahoos are making a ruckus that's loud enough to wake the dead!"

"Nothing!" Todd, Althea, Lance, Wanda, Fred and Pietro said instantly.

"It's something and I wanna know what it is?" Rogue snapped.

"The Dreadnoks tried to sell Jean to a brothel down in Reno," Xi said calmly. "Apparently it is a place where people buy…"

"I know what a brothel is Xi!" Rogue snapped. "You mean Jean's…?"

"She's okay, nothing happened," Althea giggled.

"Jean in a brothel…" Rogue blinked.

"Yeah," Pietro snickered.

"Miss Perfect…" Rogue blinked. "In a cat house?"

"Pietro make one remark about Kitty and your teeth go out the window!" Lance warned.

"Oh please," Pietro waved. "It's good enough Jean ended up there!"

"Yeah who'd have thought that the girl who turned me down for a soda would end up…?" Fred guffawed.

"Don't say it!" Wanda giggled.

"Oh that's awful," Rogue was trying not to giggle. "I mean it's terrible."

"You're right," Althea calmed down. "It's really bad."

"We shouldn't be making fun of her about this," Wanda said between snickers. "I mean that is pretty bad."

"You're right," Todd calmed down. "I mean nothing happened but still something could have…"

"It's not right to laugh at her," Rogue tried to be serious. "No matter how funny it is…" She started breaking up with laughter.

"Yeah I mean can you picture Miss Perfect all dolled up in lace and…?" Lance laughed. "I mean think about it! It's nuts!"

"Actually I think she's more like the dominatrix type," Pietro snickered. "Way she's got Summers' whipped she's had all sorts of practice." They all laughed.

"I get it now!" Xi giggled.

"I can't wait to see Summers' face when he finds out where he is!" Lance snickered.

"His face?" Pietro laughed. "What about Xavier when he learns that his prize pupil nearly joined the World's Oldest Profession?" At this they all laughed.

Meanwhile back in the living room it was decided that Xavier, Hank, Cover Girl and Shipwreck would accompany Hawk and Manx to pick up Jean. "I've been there before," Shipwreck told them.

"I want to go to!" Scott said. "I…I…"

"All right Scott you may come," Xavier said.

"But…uh…" Shipwreck blinked. "Okay. It's your decision."

"Wait a minute!" Fred and the others burst out of the kitchen. "I wanna go too!" Fred jumped up and down. "I wanna go too!"

"Yeah fair is fair!" Lance said. "One of us should go as well. I nominate myself!"

"You are not going anywhere!" Roadblock snapped. "Or do I have to kick your derrière?"

"Oh let the older boys come," Shipwreck sighed. "We might need their help dragging the Dreadnoks back."

"Fine but that's it!" Hawk groaned. "Let's go!"

"We'll watch the kids," Roadblock glared at the remaining Misfits. When they left the Misfits ran off with Rogue back to the kitchen. More laughter could be heard.

"Are they plotting something?" Logan asked.

"Not in this case," Roadblock sighed. "If Jean is where I think she is oh boy!"

"What?" Ray asked. "Where is she?"

"Go play with the others," Roadblock turned him towards the kitchen. "Go on, git!" The kids muttered as Roadblock sent them on their way.

"Okay what's the big secret?" Logan asked.

"She's in Nevada. Near Reno," Roadblock told him. "You know that area's famous for two things."

"Yeah…?" Logan raised his eyebrow. "Let me guess, where she is doesn't have anything to do with gambling does it?"

"Bingo!"

"Oh boy," Logan groaned. "It's gonna be a loooooonnnggg night!"

Back in the kitchen the X-Men were not happy. "All right you guys!" Kitty put her hands on her hips. "What's the big deal?"

"You know where Jean is don't you?" Amara asked.

They all laughed. "We'll take that as a yes," Bobby groaned. "All right so where is she? In some kind of lab?"

"Nope!" Todd giggled. "Not even close!"

"But I bet a lot of people do a little experimentation," Pietro snickered.

"O-kay," Bobby sighed realizing that he was going to have to play a demented guessing game. "Is she a prisoner of the army?"

"If she was I'd love to see those uniforms!" Todd laughed.

"What is it? Some kind of circus where they force her to do tricks?" Bobby asked. A chorus of laughter answered this.

"N…Not exactly," Althea giggled. "It's a ranch on the outskirts of Reno."

"A ranch?" Kurt said. "What's so bad about that? That sounds kind of fun with all the horses and stuff."

"There aren't any horses at this kind of ranch," Wanda snickered.

"No, but I bet there are a lot of whips and harnesses!" Todd laughed. At this all the Misfits and Rogue fell to the floor laughing. The remaining X-Men looked at them like they had gone insane.

************************************************************************

The plane ride to Reno was equally frustrating for Scott. "Just why did you two want to come so badly?" He snapped, irritated at their giggling and snickering.

"Just offering our moral support," Lance grinned.

"I'll bet," Scott grumbled.

"Just what sort of illegal activities are going on in this place?" Xavier asked.

"Actually what's going on isn't illegal," Hawk sighed. "At least on the outskirts of Reno in this particular county."

"On the outskirts of…?" Xavier blinked. "Wait a minute…We're not talking about what I think we're talking about are we?"

"What?" Scott asked. "What are we talking about?"

"Oh no…" Hank blinked.

"Oh yeah," Shipwreck nodded.

"What?" Scott asked.

"And you're a partner in this?" Xavier asked Manx.

"A partner in what?" Scott yelled. "What?"

"Well my partner is a mutant after all," Manx shrugged. "It's a long story."

"Oh my god," Xavier shook his head. "I don't believe this!"

"Believe what?" Scott shouted, exasperated. "Will somebody please tell me what the hell is going on here?"

"Uh…Scott," Xavier gulped. "Maybe we shouldn't have brought you on this trip?"

"WHY?" Scott shouted. "TELL ME!"

"I'll tell him!" Lance raised his hand excitedly.

"NO!" Hawk, Cover Girl and Shipwreck said at the exact same time.

"Scott…ummm…" Xavier looked very nervous. "I'm not quite sure how to put this."

"I do!" Fred called out. "Hey Summers! Fill in the blank time! What's the name of this movie: The Best Little…Blank….In Texas?"

"The Best What?" Scott asked. "I never heard of it!"

"It figures," Lance sighed. "Okay I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with 'More Mouse'."

"More mouse?" Scott blinked. "More mouse? What rhymes with more mouse except…" The wheels started spinning in his mind. "Oh no…"

"Oh yeah," Lance grinned.

"You mean tried to sell Jean to a…to a…?" Scott gulped.

"A brothel," Fred grinned. "A house of ill repute, a place of prostitution, a cat house, where the ladies of the evening rest their heads, a…"

"Okay Blob we get it!" Hank groaned.

"So that's why you wanted to come on this trip!" Scott snapped. "You are disgusting!"

"Me? I'm not the one whose girlfriend's just joined the world's oldest profession?" Lance snickered.

"Nobody joined anything!" Hawk snapped. "Nothing happened to her! She's fine!"

"Yeah Summers maybe she might have picked up a thing or two," Lance snickered.

"WHY YOU…!" Scott rose to attack.

"CYCLOPS SIT DOWN!" Hawk shouted. "AVALANCHE! BLOB! THAT'S ENOUGH! BOTH OF YOU!"

"Yeah if you keep this up you won't get to see what the inside of a brothel looks like so behave yourselves!" Shipwreck snapped.

"This is not happening," Xavier moaned.

Not long after they ended up at the Double Helix Ranch. Actually it looked more like a mansion than a ranch. Calmly Manx pushed some buttons near the door. "It's like a security code," He explained.

"Hello General," A tall woman with reddish skin, scales and black hair stood at the doorway. "Good to see you again."

"Hello Marlena," Manx tipped his hat. "Gentlemen this is Madame Marlena. She's my partner in this uh…establishment."

"And you are Charles Xavier," Marlena nodded.

"You're a telepath," Xavier blinked.

"A handy skill in the World's Oldest Profession," Marlena smiled. "Helps keep out the…less tolerant as well. Come inside."

"Wow," Lance looked around at the lush, opulent surroundings. "What a place. It makes the X-Mansion look like a dump."

"So this…establishment is run and staffed entirely by mutants?" Hank asked. Already they could see some mutants in beautiful clothes standing around, watching them.

"That's right. We use our powers to pleasure people, for the right price," Marlena said. "The number one rule is no touching allowed. However, we have been known to bend that rule on occasion. Right Shipwreck?"

Shipwreck turned a bit red. He looked at the others. "Now I know what you all are thinking but it wasn't like that! Look it was just after my divorce and I was a little low and…" He stopped. "I don't need to tell you anything! Who are you to judge me?"

"Hey everybody! Shipwreck's back!" One mutant called out. Several female mutants came out twittering. "Hi Shipwreck!"

"Hi ladies," Shipwreck waved weakly back.

"I take it Althea doesn't know what happened here?" Lance snickered.

"Well not everything," Shipwreck grumbled.

"About our allowances," Fred started to say.

"You don't get allowances!" Shipwreck snapped.

"We do now," Lance grinned.

"I can't believe a place like this…exists," Scott looked around.

"You'd be surprised how many of the rich and famous are our clientele," Marlena told him. "Even a lot of senators and congressmen come here for a secret thrill."

"That's disgusting!" Scott yelped. "I mean, I can't believe you people use your powers like this! It's degrading not just to you but to all mutants!"

"Hey!" A green skinned woman sitting on one of the couches snapped. "Watch it kid! It's people like her that try and keep stuff like that happening with your girlfriend!"

"Calm down Kiki," Marlena said. "It's okay."

"Well I don't like people badmouthing you," She got up and strutted to them. "You have no idea how good this woman is! My own father tried to sell me off here years ago and she sent that rat packing! She took care of me for years and dozens of others as well."

"And you stayed here?" Hank sounded shocked.

"Wasn't like I had anywhere else to go," Kiki shrugged. "In case you haven't noticed honey, there aren't exactly too many opportunities for mutants out there. Especially if you look like I do! But the work's not so bad and occasionally I get to kick the butt of some jerk who wants to make some cash exploiting mutants."

"But you can do a lot more good with your powers than just…." Xavier started to say.

"I don't have any powers!" Kiki snapped. "I'm just green! And as far as I'm concerned a hero ain't nothing but a sandwich. You don't like the way I live my life? Tough! It may not be the most respectable job in the world but I'll match my bank account with yours any day!"

"I wouldn't be so sure in his case," Shipwreck said.

"So uh…where's…" Scott gulped.

"Don't worry kiddo," Two cat-like mutants padded up to him. One resembled a tiger and the other resembled a panther. The tiger like mutant assuaged his fears. "Not a hair on her pretty head was harmed or touched. She's fine."

"Unfortunately the same can't be said for the slime that brought her here," The panther mutant grinned.

"There are male…uh…?" Hank gulped.

"Gigolos," The tiger like mutant said. "You can say the word."

"I guess there would be for female clients," Cover Girl said.

"Sometimes them too," The panther mutant grinned. He grinned at Hank. "Hey you're kind of cute."

"Oh my stars and garters," Hank gulped.

"Uh…I'd really like to see Jean now," Scott gulped.

"She's in the back," Marlena told him. "Belle's looking out for her. Kiki, show the boy back there please."

"Right this way," She made a grand gesture. Hank and Scott followed her while the others remained behind to talk to Marlena.

"So what do you do around here?" Hank asked. "I mean if you have no powers…"

"I'm a dancer," Kiki told them. "You ever see that 'Star Trek' episode where there's this green skinned woman who dances? You'd be surprised how many people wanna see that." She looked Hank over. "You'd do pretty good yourself. Could probably make Eleven hundred easy."

"Well as tempting as the prospect of eleven hundred dollars a night sounds…" Hank began.

"No, I mean an hour," She told him. "This way."

Hank stopped in his tracks. "AN HOUR?"

"Hey Belle!" Kiki called out as she opened a door. "The kid's ride is here!"

Inside the room was the largest, fattest woman Scott had ever seen in his life. She had a huge red hairdo and wore slightly more makeup than Tammy Fae Baker. Jean was sitting on a huge couch sipping some cocoa. She gave out a yelp of happiness when she saw Scott and rushed over to him. They embraced tightly.

"Scott!" She cried joyously. "Am I glad to see you!"

"Jean!" Scott asked. "Are you okay? They didn't hurt you did they?"

"She's a bit shaken," Belle said. "But she'll be okay. Won't you honey?"

"Yeah I'm fine," Jean said. "I didn't even know what was going on until I heard the Dreadnoks screaming for their mommies. They kept me knocked out the whole time."

Just then Scott noticed that they weren't alone in the room. "What the?" He blinked when he saw that there were a few toddlers bouncing around in the back.

"This is where we keep the kids and watch over 'em," Kiki said.

"Kids?" Hank walked in. "Here?"

"Hey even in the best run places there are bound to be accidents," Belle shrugged.

"Hey guys did you know this place has it's own indoor water slide?" Fred walked in. "It's really cool in here!"

"Belle?" Fred blinked.

"Freddy?" Belle squealed. "Well kiss my grits! It's little Freddy Dukes! Come here you silly boy!" She gave him a hug.

"You know each other?" Jean blinked.

"Belle and I used to be a part of the same circus," Fred told her. "I didn't know you were a mutant?"

"Same could be said for you!" She grinned. "Now how are you?"

"Pretty good now," Fred puffed up. "I'm in the Army! Sort of."

"I always said you would make something of yourself," Belle said proudly.

"This is the most surreal day of my life," Jean groaned. "No offense but can we go home now?"

"I think that would be a good idea," Hank said.

"Oh come on let's stay a minute," Fred asked. "I wanna catch up with Belle here! I haven't seen her in years."

"Why not?" Hank sighed. The three of them left and found Xavier, Shipwreck and Lance outside the door.

"All you all right Jean?" Xavier asked.

"Yeah I'm fine," She nodded. "Professor did you know they have children here?"

"Yes Madame Marlena and I were discussing when the children were older they could attend the Institute," Xavier said. "But I think we would be better off having this conversation elsewhere. Just in case some…clients are around."

"Oh for crying out loud!" Shipwreck said. "Nobody who sees us here shouldn't be here themselves! Like they're gonna blab!"

That was when another door creaked open. And a certain figure staggered out. "Hey Principal Kelly!" Lance snickered.

"That's Senator Kelly to you…oh god!" Kelly turned white. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"I was gonna ask you the same thing," Lance laughed. "Boy it really is a small world isn't it?"

"I'm gonna be blackmailed for this, I know it," Kelly groaned as he scurried away. He looked at the X-Men. "So this is where you find 'em! It figures," He grumbled and ran off.

"I am so embarrassed," Jean groaned.

"You are not the only one," Xavier sighed.

Hours later they returned to the Misfit home. "I never want to talk about this day ever again!" Jean groaned. "All I want to do is take a nice long shower and…" She walked into the house. There were the remaining Misfits standing there with feather boas on their shoulders.

"Hey Big Spender!" All the Misfits sang out. "Spend a little time with me!"

"You people are sick!" Jean shouted over their hoots and hollers.

"We are sick, we are sick, we are sick, sick, sick…" The Misfits sang out as Jean ran upstairs.

Okay. That's enough of that! Let's get back to the story now!