Dawn and Connor go to the Homecoming Dance. This being Sunnydale, something will probably go wrong. But only Spike knows what will go wrong, yet he's not willing to tell Buffy. Xander and Willow go to the dance as "chaperones" and meet Dawn's friends, who remind them of people from their past.
Connor and Dawn emerged from the movie theater. It was their first conventional date.
"That farm on that desert planet. That reminded me of where I grew up," Connor told Dawn.
"You had Sand People in Utah?," a somewhat confused Dawn asked.
"No. Of course not," Connor responded. (The things he faced on Quor Toth were much scarier than Sand People.) "The isolation. The sandy plains. The sense that you're the only people on the planet. That's why it reminded me of home."
Connor here was testing how much of his actual experiences he could mention without giving away the truth. He was fortunate because there were parts of Utah which vaguely fit his description.
"Did you like it where you grew up?," Dawn wondered.
"I did. Everything was simple. I knew what I had to do to get by each day. No complications. No confusion. And I always had my father to look out for me." Once again Connor's vagueness allowed him to make his unprecedented childhood sound positively pedestrian, like he was nothing more than a 21st century Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Dawn tried to relate. "I imagine you miss your father. It was really tough when I lost my mother. Sometimes I wondered if I was strong enough to go on without her."
Connor agreed. "I felt the same way when my father was taken from me. Without him, everything seemed scary and strange. I just wondered, without a purpose. Then I met you. And I realized the world could be wonderful."
Connor really knew how to compliment a girl. His constant, worshipful praising of Dawn might have grown tiresome to many. But not to Dawn. She really couldn't get enough of this boy's attention.
They were at the corner of the block. Dawn turned to face Connor. She held both his hands with both of hers. She playfully moved her arms forward so Connor's hands were behind his back. She decided to bait him for more compliments. Like I said, she really couldn't get enough.
"So the girl in the movie, she was really beautiful. You thought she was beautiful, right?"
It was like batting practice. Dawn put the ball over the plate, and Connor knocked it out of the ballpark. "I guess she was pretty. It's just that, whenever I look at any other girl, all I notice is that she's not you."
Dawn smiled and kissed Connor. Then she asked him something she had been thinking about for the past few days. "So Steven, next Saturday, at my school, there's going to be this Homecoming Dance. You wanna go with me?"
"I'll go with you anywhere," Connor told Dawn. She smiled again and kissed him again. Then Connor heard something. It was a woman's scream from about 200 yards away. Connor dashed to the noise. A puzzled Dawn followed and struggled to keep up.
In a nearby alley, a man was attempting to rape a woman at knifepoint. Connor galloped towards him. Connor was not big, but when in pursuit he could look as intimidating as a large cat running down its dinner. The man heard Connor's steps. He turned and saw him. He tried to run away.
Connor quickly caught up to him and with a leaping kick in the back knocked the man face first into the asphalt. He flipped him over and pummelled the man with several punches to the face. Then he stopped. He realized this fellow wasn't a vampire. Connor pulled out his knife.
Dawn had caught up to him. She grabbed his wrist. "No Steven! That's a person!"
"I know it's a person," Connor explained. "I'm just going to give him something to remember me by."
Connor planned to cut off one of his ears. Dawn thought Connor was going to cut off an entirely different body part. So did the man on the ground.
"Steven please don't do that. You don't have to cut that off. That's just wrong. That's not how we do things around here. The police take care of these kinds of things."
Connor thought about this. Who was he to disagree with Dawn? So he put the knife away. Then he picked up the man and threw him face first into a brick wall, knocking him unconscious. "Fine with me," he told Dawn.
The woman Connor had saved was very grateful. She was also a little scared of Connor. She slowly approached and said "thank you. Thank you so much for what you did." Then she ran away.
Connor put his arm around Dawn and walked with her out of the alley as if nothing had happened. "So what's a Homecoming Dance?," he asked her.
"So how was the big date?," Buffy asked Dawn the next morning.
"It was great. Steven was great. He's so sweet."
"So I take it Anakin liked the movie?," Buffy joked.
"What was that?," Dawn responded.
"Oh come on, like you haven't noticed. Mystery boy. Incredibly powerful. All intense and passionate. Prone to violence."
Dawn did not like this comparison. "You cut that out! Steven's nothing like that. You don't even know him. You've never even talked to him. And that's not fair! I mean, you're also prone to violence."
"Sorry, I mean, take a pill, Dawny. It was a joke. Forget it. Steven's great. I'm glad you're happy with him."
"Oh, and I forget to tell you. Steven's going with me to the Homecoming Dance this Saturday!"
Buffy liked the sound of this. "Cool, your big coming out party. Get to show him off to all your friends. Get to make all the popular girls jealous."
"Wowie! I hadn't thought about that!," Dawn excitedly responded.
"So Dawn wants me to go with her to this Homecoming thing," Connor told Xander that same morning.
"The Homecoming Dance? You two are going to the Homecoming Dance?"
"That's what I think Dawn called it. Do you know what it is?"
"Oh of course. I forgot. You didn't exactly go to high school so all this stuff is new to you. Basically a bunch of teenagers get dressed up, hang out, move to the music. Like going to the Bronze, except a lot more expensive."
"I haven't been to the Bronze. Well, not when other people were there. It's loud and crowded. I don't like that."
"Oh, you haven't?," Xander responded. "I should take you there. So you can know what it's like, get used to it. I guess Dawn's kind of like your girlfriend now. And when you have a girlfriend, you have to go to stuff like dances with her. It can sometimes even be kind of fun."
Then Xander thought for a second about wardrobe. "Say Steven, I take it you don't have any formal wear. You know, suits, ties, that sort of thing."
Connor stared blankly at Xander. After all, his clothing had always been kind of sub-casual. Xander tried to explain. "See, at these dances, you have to get dressed up. You know, wear fancy clothes, tuxedoes. Okay, I take your silence to mean you have no idea what I'm talking about. No biggie. I'll take care of it for you. Lemme think."
A few seconds later Xander had the solution. "So I figure you're a little too small to fit into any of my stuff. How bout I buy you some clothes of your own? Perfect! I'll see you here a little after five this afternoon, take you to a store, get everything taken care of."
Anya still felt a bit guilty about the four men Grendel killed the week before. Spike tried to identify.
"The whole thing that happened last week, you can't blame yourself for that. You had no way of knowing."
"That doesn't mean it wasn't my fault," Anya responded.
"Well in a way it wasn't," Spike rebutted. "You weren't the one who killed them. You didn't want to kill them. You had no intent to cause harm."
"The sad thing is, they died because I had no intent, because I had not caused harm," Anya countered.
"So that's the lesson you take from this?," Spike asked. "You're ready and rarin' to hurt you some men, get back on the vengeful horse?"
"I've been ready. That's not the problem. Besides, this guy comes only once. So I don't have to worry about this sort of thing happening again, right?"
"That sort of thing will not happen again," Spike assured her. But during his research Spike had discovered what would happen if she went twelve months without performing vengeance. But he didn't want to tell her this.
Anya explained her mindset. "I could go out and give some woman vengeance, just to prove I still had it in me. Sure. But then once the word gets out that Anya does it for free, no one will be willing to pay me. I'm not going to condemn myself to a life of being the slave of scorned women everywhere. I mean, would they do their jobs for free?"
Spike wanted to alter the subject of this conversation. "Anya, do you ever feel guilty for what you did to some men in the past?"
Anya chuckled. "Guilty? Why should I feel guilty? They were the ones who were guilty. I gave them the punishment they deserved. I mean, does a judge feel guilty about all the men he sends to prison?"
Then Anya realized where Spike was coming from. "Oh. Oh-ooh. I get ya. You want someone to identify with you. Cute. Real cute. But you killed the innocent. I mean, at least one or two meals a day for 100 years, that's, let me see, carry the two, carry the one. That's tens of thousands of innocent victims! Wow, talk about guilt. I feel bad enough for causing four men to die. Now you, you have to multiply that by like 15,000!"
"Thanks Anya. Spending all this time around you, I wonder why I haven't slit both me wrists yet. I was just trying to help. You didn't have to turn everything around to being about me. But if that's what you want, if that's what helps, fine! Wanna know why I don't break down? Don't fall into the fetal position every couple hours and cry my eyes out? It's cause we can't change the past, and not a lick ah good comes from worrying about it."
"That's a nice way of leaving your conscience at the door," Anya quipped. "Don't worry, be happy. Is that your secret to happiness?"
Spike was upset with Anya's failure to take him seriously. "That's not what I meant! What I mean to say is that the only way to make up for the past is by doing good in the future. You can't bring those four guys back. But you can help other people, prevent them from dying. You get it?"
"Oh, I get it. This is the Angel approach!," Anya concluded.
"Oh, bloody hell, grow up!," Spike yelled back. "This is about us. It has nothing to do with that sad sack wanker! He's in bleeding limbo, cursed bloodsucker and all that jazz. He has no choice. We're human, we've gone all the way, we have a choice. We can be happy, have everything we want. We can choose to help. Not because it's our duty, but because it makes us happy. It lets us know we still have some power."
"Helping people is a power trip? So Mother Theresa wasn't this nice meek saint, she was a megalomaniac or something?," Anya wondered.
"Well I never met her, so how could I know?," Spike answered. "But don't you think she got a little satisfaction about all the attention she received, all these people telling her how wonderful she was? All I can say myself is that, yes, I'm sorry, but helping people is a little bit of a power trip for me. And I'm sure it is for you. Nothing wrong with that. Just the way people are. I mean, if we didn't get a little buzz from helping others, why would anybody risk their lives to save someone else? The whole world would bloody well fall apart."
At this point a man in his early thirties with longish black hair entered the store. "Hi sir, can I help you find something?," Anya dutifully asked.
"Yes. I'm looking for an Acacia crystal," he answered. "Also, perhaps about four ounces of finely ground magnesium sulfide powder."
"Well, it's great to meet a customer who knows what he wants. I'll go get you that crystal," Anya told the man. She looked at her stockboy and said "Spike, I think there's some magnesium powder in the back room. Could you go find it and weigh it for this nice customer?" Spike mumbled something under his breath and went to find the powder.
Anya pulled out a small crystal for the man. "These are very popular as amulets," she told him.
The customer was not satisfied. "I'm sorry if I misled you. I mean a large crystal. A little bigger than my fist."
"I'm the one who's sorry," Anya apologized, knowing the customer was always right. "I'll go see if we have one. Sorry to mistake you for some New Age dilettante. It's nice to meet a real aficionado."
Anya did find a large enough crystal. She had never sold a rock like this. What to charge, what to charge? She checked the wholesale order forms and noticed she bought the item for $50. So she priced accordingly.
"Sir, is this what you were looking for?"
"Yes, yes exactly."
"They're quite rare. Hard to get a hold of. I'll make you a little deal. Usually this retails for 500, but since I like you I'll let you have it for 250."
The man readily agreed and paid. In cash. Spike came to the counter with a bag containing the four ounces of magnesium powder. Anya wanted to test how much she could soak this man for. "The powder will be $50 extra."
He paid without complaint, once again in cash. Anya was thrilled. She never had a $300 sale before.
Wednesday night Xander took Connor shopping for a tuxedo and some decent shoes. Thursday night Xander took Connor to the Bronze. The Breeders were playing that night. A great band, back on the road after a very long time on hiatus. And best of all, no Spike.
So Xander was very surprised when five minutes after he and Connor arrived, Spike's band took the stage. At the last minute they had been penciled in as the opening act.
Spike used the occasion to introduce his original material. He figured that now that he was sharing the bill with an important band he couldn't get by on covers alone. Sure he was nervous. I mean, before all he had done was play versions of other people's great songs. Now he had to present some of his own, far more mediocre material. But Spike was nothing if not a ballsy risktaker.
He began with a loud driving pop-punk number called "Where To Go," whose verse melody was very similar to the verse melody from Cheap Trick's "Surrender:"
"Summer day breeds summer night breeds darkness until dawn.
Gazing at the sun and stars though one is always gone.
Only to all weakness did my mind ever stay true.
I was far too busy wasting my own time to ever care about you."
Xander was crestfallen. Had Spike taken over his only hangout? Connor didn't seem so upset. He had heard that Spike was some sort of a musician, but had never seen him perform. He didn't know much about music, but he kind of liked what he saw.
Xander noticed Willow in the crowd. He said hello. "I tell ya Will, I came here to see a really great band. I had no idea it was amateur night. So did you know they were the opening act?"
"Zooey called me last night. She was really excited. I tell ya something, Spike's new material's not so bad. Not bad at all, really."
Most of the audience was already familiar with Spike, so they didn't treat him as rudely as they would treat most opening acts. When the first song finished the audience applauded. Spike immediately began the next song, since he knew people don't like opening acts to dawdle. This song was called "To No End." It had begun as a ballad Spike thought was too sappy for him to sing, so he rearranged it as a mid-tempo power-pop number in triplet time:
"All alone here, wanting you near,
wonder where I went wrong.
We once burned like fire, but extinguished desire,
bliss can, never last, that long.
The past stands before with no will to defend,
so I go, ain't it so, to no end."
This seemed to go well. No one seemed to mind the piano solo in the bridge was largely lifted from the Doors' "The Crystal Ship." In case anyone minded this somewhat tender song, Spike followed it up with two loud and fast numbers which had more or less been put together by the band the previous day. Then they finished with an abridged ten minute version of the Velvet Underground noise epic "Sister Ray." Like any good opening act, they left before the audience got sick of them. Like a great opening act, they left while the audience still liked them and wanted more.
Several miles away, the man who had bought the crystal and the powder at the Magic Shop was with three other men. They donned purple robes and stood around a fire inside a stone circle. The man dropped some of the magnesium powder on the flame, turning it green. Then he placed the crystal directly into the fire. "Tonight begins the preparation. When it is complete, the power and the glory shall be ours, forever."
On Friday afternoon, when Dawn came home from school, Buffy had something to show her. "How would you like to wear this to the dance?," Buffy asked her.
"Buffy, it's beautiful," Dawn said with a gasp. It was a simple and lovely white dress. But Dawn took a closer look at it. "Wait a minute. This is the dress you wore when you died, isn't it?"
"I was only dead a few seconds. And afterwards I had it dry cleaned. Twice. I swear. Good as new."
"No Buffy, that's just gross. Hand-me-downs are one thing, but I'm not wearing something someone else died in. Why can't I buy something new?"
Buffy had a few good reasons. "Where shall I begin? First off, it's not like I have a few hundred dollars on me to blow on a new dress. You know we don't have that much money to burn. And second of all, you're banned from all the stores in town where I could buy you a dress even if I did have the money."
Dawn was not deterred. "You have a car. I mean, we can drive ten miles and find a store where I haven't stolen anything. There's no rule that says we can only shop in this one little town. As for the price, I know it will set us back, but think of it as my Christmas and birthday present."
Buffy was skeptical. "Can I get that in writing, signed in blood, so that I can show you it when you're begging for something in December?"
"Since when did this family do blood oaths?," Dawn joked. "Buffy please. I want this night to be perfect. It's my first dance, with my first boyfriend. And Xander's buying Steven a tux."
"Steven in formal wear?," Buffy asked. "That's really a departure from his usual fashion choice - which dirty t-shirt goes best with which pair of dirty jeans. Steven in a tux - that I really have to see to believe."
Dawn pressed on. "So you see why this is special. I mean, he goes to all that trouble, and I show up in some old cadaver dress. It would mean so much to me."
Buffy gave in. "Fine, I'll buy you a new dress. You'll be the belle of the ball. But don't complain when you're having cat food for dinner next month."
On this Friday night Spike's band played at a frat house at the local college. They shelved the new stuff, and played it safe. Lots of guaranteed-to-please covers. Walking home, Spike past a large rock which appeared to be covered with some sort of writing. Spike took a closer look, and realized it was a runic inscription.
As a teenager who loved ancient Germanic legends, with their exciting monsters and heroes, Spike had learned which runic symbols corresponded to which sounds and letters. It was a code he and some of his like-minded friends used to write secret messages. Spike could read the characters in the moonlight. They appeared to be mostly what he and his friends had written – nothing more than English words spelled out in the runic alphabet.
There were mentions of "the order of the black stone" and "the keys to the kingdom" and "glory glory hallelujah, glory glory hallelujah" and "glory becomes us." It was meaningless graffiti, if not for one word Spike glimpsed: Gardar. In large characters near the center of the stone were the words "Gardar shall rise." Spike knew he had heard this word before. He was sure it was some sort of demon.
Anya was surprised when Spike arrived into work an hour early on Saturday morning. "We stopped being on Daylight Savings time a week ago," she told him. Why else would Spike be early, on a Saturday, the morning after a gig?
"Anya can I use your computer to go online?," he asked her.
"So you came in early to download porn?," she responded.
"No Anya, of course not. Come on," Spike told her.
"You sissy," Anya jokingly added.
Spike tried to explain. "I actually have some serious business to attend to. I found out last night about a demon which may soon come here. I just need to do a little research."
Gardar was easy to find. There were numerous pages which mentioned that he was a "courier demon," whatever that meant. This wasn't much help. Then Spike tried "Order of the Black Stone," which had appeared in the inscription. Spike found lots of organizations which seemed to have nothing to do with demons.
So he was stymied. Then he thought of "glory glory hallelujah." He had heard that somewhere else. He then remembered it was in some song. Then he remembered the song: "Battle Hymn of the Republic," also known as "John Brown's Body."
Why Spike knew this was an interesting story in itself. He saw The Clash play in New York in 1979. When introducing the song "English Civil War," Joe Strummer told the audience "this is a song written by your forefathers. And not a bad little one at that." "English Civil War" was a rewrite of "When Johnny Comes Marching Home."
Spike was intrigued. He found an album of old Civil War songs with "When Johnny Comes Marching Home" on it. He found the traditional rendition didn't measure up to The Clash's version. And most of the other songs on the album were old-timey numbers he didn't care for. But "John Brown's Body" was on that album, which was why Spike remembered it. The Clash always believed they could help save the world. Spike was about to prove them right.
When Spike did a compound search for "John Brown's Body" and "Order of the Black Stone" and "Gardar" he found only one page. It was for some occult organization. From what they said on the site, they appeared to be men with no lives who played too much "Dungeons and Dragons" as kids. But Spike soon realized that beneath the playful fantasies this group knew their stuff.
On this site were posted what read like worshipful paeans to "Gloriosis," as if this were some god. Actually, it was the name of a god Spike knew personally. Then he put it all together: keys to the kingdom; glory becomes us; Gardar the courier demon. Gardar was going to bring these men Glory's key. Gardar was coming – after Dawn!
Spike's heart raced, and he broke out in a cold sweat. He left the computer and went into the backroom to record inventory and to think over what he just learned. He soon realized he needed to know when Gardar was coming.
While Anya was busy with customers, Spike snuck back into her office to use her computer. He looked at the site some more. Found out what the "black stone" was. It was an Acacia crystal, one which "shall go black on the third night inside the green flame." These men had gone right under their noses! And to top it off, they published everything for the world to see. This was arrogance bordering on stupidity.
In their defense, it did seem safe on their part to assume that no one would catch them before they pulled off their big score. And the web page did offer them a way to contact a few denizens of the occult, who no doubt would ridicule their pretensions and predictions. But after they succeeded, they could brag and boast to these naysayers. Basically, they needed an audience. There's no point in doing something great if you don't have an audience watching.
So it appeared Gardar would be appearing on the third night. Since the crystal was bought Thursday afternoon, that would be tonight. After the show Thursday, Willow told Spike that Dawn and Steven were going to a big dance on Saturday. What perfectly horrible timing, Spike thought. Of all the nights a demon could come after Dawn.
Spike was now torn by conflicting desires. Of course he wanted to save Dawn. But of course he didn't want to ruin her big night. If he alerted Dawn to Gardar's coming he would ruin her night. And furthermore, that would mean Buffy would be involved. He used his knowledge to help Buffy kill Grendel and to help Connor kill Grendel's mom. And Buffy didn't seem the least bit thankful. Spike had had enough of her ridicule. He desperately wanted to show her what he was capable of. And tonight offered the perfect opportunity.
He had to know more about this Gardar. He checked some of Anya's demon books. It was about as big as a large human. Big, but beatable.
Spike had to do this without Buffy. But he didn't want to do it alone. The only people he knew who were sufficiently out of the Scooby loop to help him were Clem and Anya. Not the greatest of fighting companions, but Spike knew they would give their all.
Spike called Clem and told him to come to the store after it closed at six. Then Spike broke the news to Anya and Clem. They were petrified. Then Spike told them his plan, the one without Buffy. They thought Spike had gone mad. To take on such a powerful demon, with so much at stake, without the Slayer. That was lunacy. By doing so Spike was risking his own life, as well as Dawn's.
Spike tried to explain his reasons. "I expected this reaction. It is crazy. It is irresponsible. But if we tell Buffy, we will ruin this night for Dawn. That will be assured. If we don't tell Buffy, there is a chance everything will work out perfectly. Dawn and Steven will have the time of their life. We will kill Gardar. All will be right with the world."
"Yes, there is a chance all will go right," Clem explained. "But there is a far, far bigger chance everything will turn out all wrong. You say you want what's best for Dawn. But how is gambling with her life what's best for Dawn?"
No Spike pulled out all the emotional tricks he had up his sleeve. "Ever since Dawn came into being, she has had to live in fear for her life. And for almost all of that time, she has been helpless to protect herself. She has felt like she doesn't belong. And with everything she's been put through, can you blame her? Being alive is not enough. Life without joy and ecstasy is nothing more than punishment.
"We have the opportunity to do something magical tonight. We can make it so that for at least one night Dawn doesn't have to live in fear. She doesn't have to worry about someone or something punishing her merely because she exists. One night of the innocence she has never been privileged to know."
"That's beautiful Spike," Anya told him. "But it's reckless beyond reason. It's just not worth it."
Spike now let his friends know there was no turning back. "Now I expected that by now both of you would still be wanting to tell the Slayer our little secret. There's just one problem: I haven't told you where Gardar will rise. Buffy would find him, but not before I do. And if either of you leaves my sight, I will go to where Gardar will rise. And when he rises, I won't put up a fight. I'll let him tear me limb from limb. Buffy will find him and kill him and save Dawn. But you walk out of here and you've signed my death warrant."
Clem was worried. "I'm sorry Spike but this is just completely nuts. I really do not want to sign any suicide pacts. This choice you present us with, it's sick, it's just evil. Either we condemn you do death, or we condemn you and ourselves to death. Please Spike. I know you. You're a good guy. Think this over. Don't do something we'll all regret."
Spike grabbed Anya's wrist and Clem's wrist. He wanted them to know he wasn't going to let them leave his side. He wanted them to look into his eyes, to see that while he may be crazy, he was also determined.
Spike made his intentions perfectly clear. "I know it's a hard choice. I want it to be the hardest choice you have ever made in your entire lives. But realize that you have no choice at all. There is only one course of action which will not result in tragedy. You help me fight Gardar. We kill him. We all live. Everything turns out peachy. You play it safe. You go to the Slayer. You'll never be able to forgive yourselves."
Anya looked frightened. She was shaking a little. "Okay Spike I get it. You're going to make us drink the Kool-Aid. So this is what now, murder-suicide?"
Clem still tried to reason with him. "Spike, you are a good person. You don't want to hurt people you care about. You don't want that on your soul."
"You're right Clem. I don't want your deaths on my soul. And no Anya, I don't have a death wish. I want you two to see that the three of us can beat this thing. We won't die. We'll find a way. I know I'm putting a lot on the line here. I know I'm asking more of you than you think you can give. But like I said, this is the only way. Once you accept that, you will know that failure is impossible."
Connor was putting on these strange new clothes. Xander and Willow watched and recollected. Willow noticed something about the tux. The vest, the jacket - it was exactly like the one Xander wore to the Homecoming Dance Senior year.
"Remember the Homecoming Dance?," she asked Xander.
"Only vaguely," he answered. "But I clearly remember getting dressed for the Homecoming Dance."
Willow thought back and giggled a little. "Yeah, the clothes. Definitely remember the clothes. And the confusion. Those were such confusing times."
Xander ruefully summed it all up. "And that was just the beginning of the confusion." For Xander the confusion had not ended.
Connor came over to them. "I don't know what to do with this bow thing."
"Oh here, let me help you with that," Willow told him. "Now you just stand still for a second Steven, and I'll take care of it." She tied Connor's bow. Just as she had done years before for Xander.
Xander and Willow then brought Connor to Buffy's house. She was upstairs with Dawn. She went down to answer the door. Connor's makeover was surprisingly thorough. "Now who's this handsome gentleman who wants to take out my sister?," she asked.
Connor looked a bit confused. "It's Steven. Remember, Steven? I kill things with you."
"I was just joking. You just look so nice and spiffed up in your new threads. Wow, Dawn's gonna flip when she sees you."
Buffy had a quick talk with Xander and Willow. "Xander, looks like you gave Steven the full GQ treatment."
"Oh, it was nothing," Xander demurred. "I just got the kid a suit and introduced him to a simple human grooming tool called the comb."
Willow jumped in with a more serious matter. "Buffy, you know from experience that in this town school dances don't usually go off, well, you know, without incident. I mean, the Hellmouth abhors inactivity, especially on a big night like tonight."
Buffy wasn't worried. "Nothing to get all wiggish about. You two are driving them. You'll be there as chaperones, so to speak. I'll be out patrolling, taking care of business. And if anything happens, you can always beep me. Besides, if anything did happen, Dawn and Steven can more than take care of themselves. I mean, this kid iced a dragon. A few flying monkeys would be a piece of cake." Xander and Willow agreed with Buffy. They were more than prepared for any eventuality.
Buffy went upstairs, told Dawn Steven was here. Dawn came down the stairs in a simple and elegant purple gown. The look on Connor's face was itself worth the price of the dress. "You look breathtaking, Steven told Dawn." She could tell by looking at him that he was being literal.
But perhaps Dawn was even more shocked with how Connor looked. This was a massive departure from his usual appearance. "My God, Steven, you look, just, unbelievably, incredibly, amazing! Wow! I mean, wow!," Dawn told him. She had made him weak in the knees plenty of times before. This was the first time Connor had made Dawn a little wobbly.
Spike led Anya and Clem into the training room connected to the Magic Shop to find weapons. "A-ha!," he declared. "Two Halberds. The Swiss used to use these to cut horses in half. They should do the trick for our demon." He handed one to Clem and one to Anya. The halberds had a spear-point, an ax-head, and a hook at the end of an eight-foot wooden shaft. They would allow Anya and Clem to attack Gardar before he could get within arm's reach of them.
Spike chose short weapons, a sickle and a small mace. He knew that this demon would rip a long sword or a long-handled ax right from his hands. He knew that to kill this thing he had to get up close and cut it apart. But to get that close to a powerful demon, Spike knew he would have to endure a crushing amount of punishment. He didn't care.
"I see they rebuilt the school to look exactly like it did before we blew it up," Willow told Xander. It was their first time in the building since graduation. As they walked the halls their minds were filled with memories that were anything but warm and fuzzy.
Xander started the haunted tour. "Now right over there, by the Coke machine, that's where Larry used to beat me up. And through those doors is the locker room where Larry and I had a heart-to-heart. If he would have just beat me up, rather than bare his soul to me, it would have been a lot less painful."
Willow joined in. "Now right there, that's the janitor's closet where Cordelia and I hid from Spike on Parent-Teacher night."
Xander recognized it for a different reason. "Wait a second! That's the janitor's closet where Cordy and I used to make out. Hold on here. Spike and Parent-Teacher night was the beginning of junior year, and we started going out in the middle of junior year. Wait a second! Is that when she got the idea that it was a good place to hide?"
Willow found this disconcerting. "Oh, great. It was my idea to hide in that closet. I was fearing for my life, and she was busy thinking gee, this would make a perfect make-out den.'"
Xander tried to end this painful walk down memory lane. "I think this little tour has taught us a very valuable lesson. Teen nostalgia – more corrosive than battery acid."
Dawn took Connor over to meet her friends Janice and Brandon. Janice wore a rather plain blue dress. Brandon wore a tuxedo with a silver sharkskin jacket. His hair was slicked back in a way which made it apparent his hair usually was not slicked back. The jacket and the hair were his ideas of looking cool.
Janice and Brandon met Dawn's mystery man. Brandon wasn't happy. The way he saw things, Connor had stolen Dawn from him. Not that Brandon and Dawn ever dated. But Brandon always felt they were destined to be together.
Janice was a lot happier to meet Connor. "Dawn, you didn't tell me he was such a major hottie," Janice gushed. Dawn and Janice went on as best friends do when discussing a new boyfriend. Janice was happy that Dawn reeled in such a choice catch.
Brandon had nothing to say to Connor. Well, he had plenty to say. He just didn't have the guts to say it to his face in public in front of Dawn and Janice. Connor sensed the cold shoulder. With Dawn busy talking with Janice, he wondered over to the refreshments table.
Alexandra and Sofia, two very popular girls, saw him. Their very popular boyfriends were discussing how they performed in that afternoon's football game. They decided to leave their boyfriends – who weren't even paying attention to them anyway – and go check out this new guy.
"He's a cutie," Alexandra said as the two of them walked over to Connor.
"Major cutie," Sofia concurred.
"He's mine," Alexandra stated.
"No way! What gives you dibs?," Sofia shot back.
"I saw him first," Alexandra answered.
"Did not!," Sofia retorted.
"Did too!," Alexandra reiterated.
Sofia got philosophical. "Look Alex, this isn't like riding shotgun. You don't get a boy because you called dibs on him first. I mean, he's a human being. We see who he likes more. Let the guy decide. Called him first? What are you, a cave woman?"
And then they reached him. "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you. Haven't seen you around much," Alexandra began.
"Hey. I'm Steven," Connor told them, politely but indifferently.
Sofia tried act like she knew more than Alexandra. "Hey, I'm Sofie. I'm guessing you don't go to Sunnydale High. You go to Saint Ignatius?," she asked Connor.
Saint Ignatius? Why not, Connor thought. Better than coming up with his own lie. "Yeah. I go there."
Sofia was pleased her inference was correct. She pressed on. "So Steven, what's it like going to an all-guys' school? I mean, no girls at all. That has to be frustrating."
Connor decided to go with the character Sofia had thrust upon him. I mean, for 16 years he did live on a planet without women. So he could relate. "It can be very lonely sometimes. You get used to it. But you always sense something is missing."
Alexandra tried to jump back in the conversation. "Omigod! That is like so true! My older sister, she went to St. Mary's and she told me the exact same thing." (Alexandra did not have an older sister. But since Connor was telling lies, it was only appropriate one of the girls would follow suit.)
Dawn noticed Connor's absence. She spotted him by the food, with Alexandra and Sofia. Saw how they were fawning all over him. Dawn was filled with visions of sweet revenge. It was too perfect. The most popular girls in school, who never talked to Dawn except to insult her, were drooling over her boyfriend.
Dawn went over. She came up from behind, and put her arms around Connor. He was getting bored with these two strange women. He turned, saw her, smiled, and she kissed him. Then she picked up a chocolate-covered strawberry from the refreshments table, and put it in Connor's mouth. Connor tasted it, smiled, kissed Dawn again.
Dawn turned to her two classmates. "Oh, hi there! Didn't notice you. Alex, Sofie, this is Steven, my boyfriend." Sofia and Alexandra were frozen with shock and humiliation.
"Are these two girls friends of yours?," Connor asked Dawn.
Dawn shot a cocky look at Alex and Sophie, then looked back at Connor. "Alex and Sophie? My friends? They wish!," she told him. Then she kissed him again, just long enough so she could taste the sour grapes in Alex's and Sophie's mouths. Connor rather liked being treated as a trophy boyfriend.
The school dance perennial "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel began to play. Dawn took Connor on out to the dance floor. The disappointment on Brandon's face was apparent from across the room. Still, he asked Janice to dance.
"Look Brandon, I'm really sorry I have to tell you this, but I'm not going to be used as the girl you fallback on. I mean, I do have some pride. Not much, mind you, but enough not to want to be anyone's number two, the one he turns to when his chances with number one are through." Janice walked away to the opposite side of the gym to sulk. Brandon leaned against the wall behind him and sulked.
Xander had seen Dawn talking to her friends. He had seen this last exchange between Janice and Brandon. It all seemed oddly familiar. Then he came upon a stunning realization. Brandon was Dawn's Xander, and Janice was Dawn's Willow!
It seemed so obvious to him now. To start with, there were the physical resemblances. And the look of jealousy on Brandon's face. And the way that jealousy drove him and Janice apart. Xander felt like he was looking back in time at himself. And he was determined that things would turn out differently this time around.
Meanwhile, Dawn and Connor were dancing in each other's arms. Connor was moved to once again articulate his feelings. "Dawn, ever since I first laid eyes on you, I knew you were the one for me. Before that moment, I was lost. I had no place in this world. And then I saw you, and everything seemed right. I knew that every moment I spent with you would be perfect. And now, standing here with you, I know I was completely right. I love you Dawn. I love how I feel when I'm near you. I love"
Dawn kissed the boy to shut him up. And also because she liked kissing him, and she knew he liked kissing her. When Dawn kissed him, Connor forgot that she hadn't returned the sentiment. This was the second time he told her he loved her, and the second time she declined to say likewise. Connor was in this relationship for true love and lifetime commitment. Dawn was in this relationship to have a little fun. She was sixteen. Far too young to be thinking about lifetime commitment.
The four wizards stood around the fire. They placed their hands on the crystal inside the fire. After a brief incantation, the crystal turned black, and the fire was extinguished. They kept their hands on the crystal.
Spike had a hunch Gardar would appear at the stone with the runic symbols carved into it. That is where he brought Anya and Clem. They had grimly accepted their imminent deaths. They couldn't bring themselves to tell Buffy, to risk Spike committing suicide. And they both feared that if they had tried to leave Spike would have killed them. They were terrified of Gardar. But they were even more terrified of Spike. He had gone mad, and they couldn't abandon their friend to his madness.
A green glowing light appeared above the stone. Spike gave his little pep talk. "I want you both to put this one thought, and this one thought only, in your minds: it's either him or me – one of us won't make it out of here alive. When you've convinced yourselves of this essential reality, you cannot be vanquished. When you know that your life can be saved only by killing this demon, you will find a way. We will find a way. Failure is not an option. Victory, or death. That's the easiest choice in the world to make."
Gardar appeared. He was green and scaly and extremely muscular, and stood about six feet eight inches tall. "I'm going in. Cover me with your halberds," Spike told Anya and Clem.
Spike approached Gardar, with Anya and Clem staying about five feet behind him. When they were close enough, they swung their halberds. Gardar moved back from their large ax blades. Spike came up to the demon and slashed Gardar's left forearm with his sickle. Gardar flinched and growled. He went after Spike, who retreated a few feet. As Gardar approach, he ran into the spear-points at the end of Anya's and Clem's halberds. He backed away, frustrated. So far so good.
Gardar realized he could not focus on Spike so long as he was threatened with those vile halberds. So he went to work eliminating this problem. He turned to his right, and approached Clem. Clem defensively swung his halberd at Gardar. Gardar grabbed its wooden shaft and spun it around. Clem tried to hold on, but the centrifugal force sent him flying into a tree. Gardar then broke the halberd in two. He threw the wooden shaft to the ground and tossed the metal blades behind him.
While Gardar was distracted while disassembling Clem's weapon, Spike ran at him and used his sickle to slice Gardar in the chest. It didn't seem to hurt the demon. Gardar grabbed Spike with his right hand, punched him twice in the face with his left fist, and then tossed Spike thirty feet into the distance.
Gardar then turned left to take on Anya. She swung her halberd for his head. Gardar ducked. She tried to stab him with her spear point. He moved out of the way. She raised the halberd for a last, desperate swing at the creature. While the halberd was up in the air, Gardar moved in and kicked Anya, sending her hurtling through the air.
Spike was not deterred by Gardar's prowess. He felt the fight was only beginning. Spike rose to his feet and went back towards the demon. Gardar swung at Spike with his right fist. Spike ducked. He went to slice Gardar with his sickle. Gardar's left hand grabbed Spike's right wrist and squeezed powerfully. Spike lost his grip on the sickle and Gardar took it away. With his left hand, Gardar brought the sickle to his mouth. He crushed the curved steel blade with his teeth. Even Spike knew this was not a good sign.
But even at this moment, Spike did not doubt himself. He still had the mace. He plunged the mace into the demon's chest. Quite deep into the demon's chest. So deep Spike had trouble pulling it out again. With evident amusement Gardar pounded his right fist into the top of Spike's skull, knocking him to his knees. He slapped Spike with his left hand, scratching Spike's right cheek with his claws. Gardar grabbed Spike's neck with his right hand and picked him up. Spike's feet dangled off the ground. Gardar punched Spike in the stomach with his left fist. Spike gasped as the wind was knocked out of him. Gardar then tossed Spike into the air and kicked him with his right foot. Spike hurtled through the air and landed on his back on a rather sharp and pointy rock. As Spike was splayed on that stone, Gardar pulled the mace from his flesh and tossed it off to the side.
Xander had never met Brandon. He didn't even know Brandon's name. But he knew Brandon. After all, Brandon was Xander. So Xander walked over and introduced himself.
"Hey there kid. I'm Xander."
Brandon was friendly at first. "Hey there older guy. I'm Brandon. Wait, I've heard of you. You're one of Dawn's friends, right?"
"Yeah, we're tight," Xander answered. "You could say I've known her all her life."
Brandon smiled. There was only one subject Brandon wanted to know more about, and that subject was Dawn Studies. "Really! You're a lucky guy. So she ever talk about me? What does she say?"
To be honest, Xander had never heard Dawn say a thing about anyone named Brandon. But he tried not to hurt the kid's feelings. "She doesn't talk much to me about school. Actually, she's never said a thing about her friends from school. It just never came up."
Brandon looked crestfallen. "Oh. I understand."
Xander sensed his disappointment. "Now Brandon, I know exactly how you feel. I was in high school not too long ago. I've been through what you're going through. You love Dawn, don't you?"
"Wait a second! How do you know the first thing about me?," an angry Brandon shot back at this stranger who was trying to identify with him.
"Just listen to me. Give me a chance to explain. You'll see where I'm coming from," Xander said to try to relax the kid. "You meet this girl, and she's perfect. Everything about her, you adore. You worship her. There are days when the remote possibility that she will feel the same way about you is all that sustains you." Brandon's expression changed, and he started to take Xander seriously.
"She likes you. She's nice to you. She hangs around you. But that only makes it worse. She's with you all the time, but part of you knows she'll never be yours. She likes you, but not in the way you like her. But as long as no one else is in the picture, you know you have a chance. That's all you need to keep going – a chance.
"And then some new guy appears. Some mystery man from out of nowhere. And all of a sudden he's all she cares about. He's all she wants. You don't know him, but you hate him. How could you not? He took your dream girl from you. He took Dawn, and left you with nothing but jealousy. So tell me Brandon, do you know what I'm talking about?"
Brandon tried to speak, but for the first few seconds was too stunned to make even a peep. "H-h-how did you know that? Who told you? Did Janice talk to you!?"
"So that's her name!," Xander declared. "Janice. Your best friend, right?"
"Who are you? Why are you sounding like you want to be my shrink or something? What kind of crazy stalker creep are you!?," a perplexed Brandon yelled at the man who knew too much.
Xander once again tried to reassure the kid. "Okay Brandon, I understand. I understand why I'm freaking you out. I know too much, don't I? A few hours ago, I didn't even know you existed. Honest. Before I came over to talk to you, I'd never even heard your voice. But tonight I saw when Dawn and Steven came over to meet you. I saw your face. I know the look of disappointment. I know the glaring eyes of jealousy. And then I saw you and your friend Janice arguing. And I knew what had happened. I knew what had happened because it's happened to me.
"That's how I know what your going through. I've gone through it myself. That shiny jacket – you probably bought it just for tonight. To try to impress her. You'd put it on and gel back your hair, and she'd see you were cool. At least that's what you hoped, right?"
Brandon was convinced but still wary. "Okay okay okay, fine. You know how I feel. Big deal. Not like I'm the first guy in high school to love a girl who's out of his league. That's, like, every guy in high school. So I'm not blown away by your insights, mister I-think-I'm-a-mind-reader. Why are you talking to me anyway? You trying to be my guardian angel or something?"
Now there was a word Xander didn't want to hear. "I ain't no angel. Don't want to be. Don't believe in Angel, I mean Angels, as a matter of fact. Let's just say I want to keep you from making the same mistake I did. Let's go out in the hall and I'll explain. Not like you want to be in this room right now, watching Dawn in Steven's arms, now do you?"
"Fine whatever. I could use some air." Xander and Brandon went into the hallway outside the gym.
"Now just listen to me a minute," Xander began. "It's not like you got anything better to do at this moment. I don't know you very well. But I do know Dawn very well. I know how lonely and isolated she can feel. She needs you, Brandon, but not in the way you think you need her."
Brandon interrupted. "So this is why you brought me out here? To tell me Dawn's out of my league and I should just accept that we'll never be more than friends?"
"That would have been a waste of time," Xander replied. "I know that you know that. Why would I tell you something you already know? The only reason I am talking to you is to tell you something you don't know."
Buffy was out patrolling solo. Six vampires suddenly appeared and surrounded her. It was obviously a well-planned ambush. "Where are your understudies?," one of them asked her.
"Slayers don't have understudies," Buffy shot back.
"That's right. They fight alone, they die alone," the vampire told her.
"Actually, the way it works is I fight alone, you vampires die together."
The vampires charged Buffy from all sides. She kicked one, spun around to kick another, did a split kick to hit two more. Then she grabbed one of the two vampires still attacking her and through him into the other vampire still attacking her. The initial charge repulsed, Buffy moved out of the circle, so they couldn't surround her when they got back up.
The most impetuous of the six charged her alone. Buffy grabbed his arm and flipped him to the ground. When he got up, she kicked him once and punched him twice in the face, then staked him.
Two more prudent vampires approached her in tandem. The idea was that when she turned to face one, the other would get her from behind. Buffy played dumb, and faced one of them, looking ready to fight him. When the other vampire charged her from behind, she reached back and staked him without even looking. The no-look dusting scared the other vampire, and he retreated to join the other three remaining vampires.
Buffy circled around the quartet. "What happened to your smirks? It's much more fun to kill a cocky vampire than a scared one. Let's see some confidence boys!" A few seconds later they all charged her at once.
Buffy made a strategic retreat. She ran away and hid behind the narrow side of a small stone mausoleum, twelve feet long, six feet wide and six feet tall. When the first vampire ran by, she reached out her left arm and clotheslined it. The vampires were to her left. She ran clockwise around the mausoleum and surprised them from behind. She kicked one vampire, knocking him to the ground. The next vamp swung for her. She ducked, grabbed his head, and threw him headfirst into the side wall of the mausoleum.
The lead vampire, the one who had taunted her, now approached. He hit her twice in the face. She blocked his next punch and connected with three of her own. Then she kicked him in the chest, knocking him to the ground.
The vamp she had thrown into the mausoleum wall blindsided Buffy on her right and tackled her. It tried to choke her, and Buffy didn't resist. With its hands around her neck, he couldn't protect his heart. Buffy staked him before he knew he was in danger.
Another vampire lunged for Buffy while she was still on the ground. She rolled away, bounded up, and kicked this vampire before it could get up. She reached down and staked it while it was still on its back.
One of the two remaining vampires grabbed Buffy from behind. She backpedaled and drove this vampire into the mausoleum wall. The lead vampire came up and punched Buffy in the face while the other vampire still held her arms. Buffy swung her legs forward, kicking the lead vampire to the ground. Her momentum spun Buffy out of the other vampire's grasp. Essentially, Buffy did a backflip onto the mausoleum's roof.
Buffy waited for the lead vampire to get up. Then she leaped at him and decked him yet again with a flying kick. The other vampire charged her from behind. She hit this vamp with a spin kick, knocking him back into the wall. Then she approached and staked him.
The lead vampire swung at Buffy's head from behind. Buffy ducked. The vampire's fist went through the mausoleum's stone wall. Buffy grabbed him. "Just so you know, you really made my evening." After this parting line Buffy head-butted the vampire in its nose, pulled out her stake one last time, and plunged it home.
Buffy was delighted. When Connor and Dawn tagged along, she never faced any challenges. Dispatching six vamps at once let Buffy know that she still could get the job done on her own. She appreciated the help. But she had shown herself she didn't need it.
Brandon was beyond impatient. "Fine. Go ahead. Get to it. Quit stalling. While we're still young. Well, while I'm still young and you're still middle-aged."
Middle-aged? That hurt Xander. Until he remembered he would probably have said the same thing if he was in Brandon's shoes. This kid really was like Xander, coming back with the one-liners and all. "I just wanted to make sure I had your attention, Brandon. Ive done Ghost of Christmas Past and Ghost of Christmas Present. Now I'll do Ghost of Christmas Future, maybe throw in a little Snoopy Dance to lighten things up. Just kidding about that last thing.
"I have a hunch you and Janice are best friends. I have a hunch that it is obvious to you that Janice wants to be more than your best friend. And I have a hunch you don't see Janice the way she sees you. So tell me, how'm I hunching?"
"Three for three," Brandon told Xander. "What, you figured that out just by watching us tonight?"
Xander smiled. "Call it Middle Age Man's Intuition. And I'll take a little leap and guess you've been friends since you were little kids. Am I on the ball?"
"You're in the ballpark," Brandon told him.
And now was Xander's big moment. "So of course when you look at Janice you're not filled with teen lust. I mean, she's Janice, right? Perhaps another guy, a guy who didn't grow up with her, may find her kinda cute. But to you she's just your best bud, your old pal.
"But I'll predict that one day a few years from now you'll look at her, and it'll feel like you're seeing her for the first time. You'll realize she's grown up, and she's beautiful. And at that moment you'll feel about her the same way she now feels about you. But by then it will be too late. She'll have grown tired of waiting for you, and found someone else. And you'll regret having been blind all those years. All that time, all those chances, and you just let her slip right through your fingers."
Brandon was not sold. "Now at first, you creeped me out because you made sense. Now you're creeping me out because you have no idea what you are talking about. And what's with the whole psychic matchmaker thing? Why you buggin' me?"
"Am I buggin' ya? Don't mean to bug ya," Xander joked, lifting Bono's line from the live version of "Silver and Gold" on "Rattle and Hum." "The thing is, I look at you and I see myself when I was in high school. I had my own Dawn, my own Steven, my own Janice. So I just want to give you the benefit of my experience. Now all I want you to do is one simple, little, harmless thing. When you go back into the gym, before you return to giving Steven the evil eye and stewing in your own bile, try something. Try looking at Janice like she's not your best friend, like you haven't known her since your wore those little foot pajamas. Try to look at her as if you're seeing her for the first time. That's all I ask. Like I said before, it's not like you have anything better to do."
Brandon was underwhelmed. "Stop, look, think? That's why you pulled me aside? And what's that about pajamas?"
"Just a metaphor. Forget about that. But will you do it?"
"Fine whatever why not. You know something, Xander?"
"What's that?," Xander asked back.
"You're weird. Powerful weird. The Count of Weirdonia."
"You know what?," Xander responded. "I would have said exactly the same thing. But you'll do what I said, right?"
"Like I said, whatever," Brandon responded before going back into the gym. Xander took that as a yes.
Brandon walked along the gym's wall, talking to himself. "This is crazy. This is nuts. I don't know why I'm even thinking about this. But that's all it is. Looking and thinking. No harm no foul no problem. Why should I do this? Why not? Here goes nothing."
So Brandon tried Xander's little mental exercise. Jeff Buckley's cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" began playing. He looked at Janice. And he thought the unthinkable. It was just as crazy middle-aged guy predicted. Her hair, her skin, her cute little smile. It touched Brandon like never before. And then right when Buckley finished his opening guitar noodling and resolved the main arpeggio, Brandon realized everything had changed. He walked over to Janice to explain his epiphany.
Xander went back to Willow. He pointed to Brandon and Janice, who were now talking. "You see that girl and that guy over there? That's Janice and Brandon, Dawn's best friends. Janice is Dawn's Willow, and Brandon is Dawn's Xander. Look at them. Don't you see it?"
Willow did see the resemblance. "Wow! You're right! Dawn's got her own mini-Scooby gang. That's so cool!" Then Willow thought for about this. "Wait a minute. If Janice is Dawn's Willow and Brandon is Dawn's Xander, does that make Steven Dawn's Angel?"
Xander burst out laughing. Willow thought about what she said, and soon she started laughing. After about 30 seconds Xander regain enough composure to talk. "Steven and Angel! He-heh-heh-heh. Steven as Angel? He-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. Good one Willow! That's just the wackiest thing I ever heard."
"You're right. He-heh-heh. I'm sorry. What was I thinking?," Willow added in agreement.
"Don't be sorry. I haven't laughed this hard in years," Xander told her. "It's just, I can't think of two more different people – uh, I mean creatures – than Steven and Angel. Steven's not some creepy older guy. And he's human. And he likes me. We get along great. So they're just, like, total opposites."
"I see that now, I do," Willow responded. "But that was a good laugh. I guess I just took the parallel one step too far into absurdity." Then Willow thought of something completely different. "I didn't come back to high school to be the only girl who didn't find someone to dance with. Let's go. You and me, buster." Xander was hesitant, but Willow grabbed him by his tie and he went along.
Xander was uncomfortable. Generally a slow dance with Willow was meaningless. But considering all he was feeling for her at this moment, this would not be meaningless, at least for him. Xander felt a bit guilty. Willow didn't know this was turning him on. It made Xander feel a bit dirty.
By now Brandon and Janice were dancing. Xander caught Brandon's eye. Brandon winked at him, and smiled. Xander winked back. Willow looked up at him and said "Xander, why were you gone for so long?"
Xander tried to craft an answer which made him sound noble but did not make it sound like he was obsessing over Willow. "I saw Dawn and Steven talking to Brandon and Janice. It was obvious Brandon had it bad for Dawn. I had an idea what he was going through. So I had a chat with him. Told him that she was never going to love him in that way. Said he should give a girl who really does love him that way a chance. Said that he should let somebody love him, before it's too late. Of course, I didn't use those exact words. I was much more poetic."
"That's so sweet," Willow said to Xander. "You're like a school dance guidance counselor or something." Then Willow saw Brandon dancing with Janice. Saw them kissing. And it all came together. Brandon being Xander and Janice being Willow. Xander convincing Brandon to give Janice a chance. At first she was merely shocked. Then she held Xander even tighter and put her head on his shoulder. "That was a wonderful thing you did for Dawn's friends," she told him.
Xander was very pleasantly surprised. Maybe he did have a chance with Willow after all. But knowing this only put more pressure on Xander. Did this mean he was supposed to make the next move?
As he pealed himself off the rock, Spike began to really know what it meant to be human. The pain was tremendous. His mobility was limited. He stumbled back to Gardar. "Come on Gardar, show me what you really got!," Spike yelled at him. Gardar led with a left jab. Spike moved his head to the side to avoid the punch. Gardar tried to sweep out Spike's legs with his right leg. Spike jumped over the sweeping leg. Gardar quickly followed with a right hook. While still in midair, Spike ducked his head and shoulders down to avoid the blow.
Spike counterattacked, landing four punches to Gardar's face. Gardar grabbed Spike with his meaty arms. Spike wiggled his right arm free and tried to gouge Gardar's eyes. Gardar got mad, and bit Spike's right forearm. Spike stepped on Gardar's foot, causing the demon to let go of him.
Spike retreated a few steps to check out his arm. There were large teeth marks on both sides of the forearm, and it was bleeding pretty badly. "Ow! Bugger all! Stupid poetic justice. Fine! Now I remember how it feels to be bitten." Spike ran heedlessly at Gardar, who boxed his ears. Then he landed four powerful punches to Spike's face. Spike went down, spitting out blood.
Though he looked thoroughly beaten, Spike was far from ready to throw in the towel. "If you were any kind of a real demon I would be dead by now!," he yelled to Gardar as he got back on his feet. Gardar decked him again with a right uppercut. As the teeth in Spike's lower jaw were driven into the teeth in his upper jaw, he began to get a nasty concussion. But Spike wasn't going to let a massive brain bruise keep him down. He rose yet again, still talking. "You're not a demon! You're nothing but an overgrown bouncer with a skin condition!" Gardar swung twice for Spike's head. Spike used his hands and arms to shield his face and block the blows.
But this left his body exposed. Gardar pummelled Spike twice in the ribs. Spike kept his arms up, and bent forward, trying in vain to make his body a smaller, less inviting target. Gardar sent a roundhouse right into Spike's left kidney. Spike groaned in agony. He knew he had to fight back. He punched Gardar twice in the stomach, and landed a right uppercut to the demon's chin. Gardar pushed Spike a few feet back. He tattooed Spike's nose with a right kick, and rattled the side of his head with a left kick. Spike, nearly unconscious, collapsed.
Clem was back on his feet by now. He grabbed what was left of his wooden halberd shaft, held it overhand like a spear, and ran at Gardar. He had to save Spike. Gardar turned and leveled Clem with a right forearm.
Anya tried next. She picked up her halberd and ran at the demon, holding her spear-point outward. Gardar saw the approaching pike and moved a few steps to his left to get out of the way. Anya then swung at him with the ax. But swinging an eight-foot long halberd takes a few seconds. Before she could land her blow, Gardar charge Anya and grabbed her. The halberd fell to the ground. Gardar picked Anya up over his head and slammed her back down to earth with thunderous force.
This time, Spike was not getting up. He was down for the count. Gardar kicked him in the spine. He tried to stomp on Spike's head, but Spike rolled out of the way of the demon's foot. Gardar bent down and swung his right hand at Spike, trying to dig into the helpless human's flesh with his claws. Spike again rolled out of the way just in the nick of time.
When Spike told Anya and Clem he would fight Gardar, they said he was mad. But more than a century ago Angel and Darla said the same thing when Spike told them he was going to fight a Slayer. Spike didn't listen do Angel and Darla for the same reason he didn't listen to Anya and Clem. Spike always believed that when his life was on the line and escape was impossible, he would find a way to win. Now was his last chance to find a way to win.
And just like last week, art would imitate epic literature, with a twist even Homer himself would have found grizzly. Spike crawled to the outside of Gardar's right foot. He put his head behind Gardar's right heel, and bit down hard. With his teeth, his unfangy human teeth, Spike ripped off Gardar's right Achilles' Tendon, and a lot of the flesh around it. Gardar screamed. Unable to use his right foot to support his massive weight, Gardar fell backwards to the ground. Spike rolled out of the way of the falling demon. He spit out the chuck of demon flesh in his mouth, rolled onto his back, and looked up at the stars. Under his breath, he muttered "Achilles wasn't invincible. But I am."
The moment Gardar hit the turf, Clem and Anya knew this was their chance. Clem plunged the pointy end of his wooden shaft into Gardar's heart. Anya swung her halberd, and with its ax she cut off Gardar's head.
As the wizards held their hands to the crystal, it turned from black to clear. Then a powerful white light radiated out from its center, knocking the wizards away from the crystal and onto the ground. Shards of green light shot out from them. Then a green ball of light burst forth from inside each of them. An instant later, the light disappeared, and the wizards were nothing more than green dust. Dust which looked an awful lot like the magnesium powder they bought from Anya.
"I don't believe it! I don't believe it! I'd been rooting for them for so long. And then, out of nowhere, they're together. It's like magic!" Dawn was in the car heading home, crowing about the inexplicable Janice and Brandon love connection.
"It wasn't magic. It was Xander," Willow whispered in Xander's ear as he drove. "You're my hero tonight."
"This is so great. I mean, it's just amazing. Now we can double date with them. That's so cool!"
"Double date?," Connor asked Dawn. He wasn't familiar with the term.
"Yeah Steven. You and me and Janice and Brandon can do stuff together," Dawn told him.
"Brandon?," Connor responded. "I don't really like Brandon."
Dawn tried to ease Connor's worries. "I know. When you first meet him Brandon can seem a little strange. But he grows on you."
Xander arrived at Buffy's house. Knowing they were about to be separated, Connor and Dawn started going at it. Xander was having difficulty coaxing them to separate. Finally he decided to try trickery. "Oh hi Buffy!," he yelled. Nice to see you out here on the porch."
Connor had always instinctively feared Buffy. I mean, when they first met she tried to stake him. And based on his primitive understanding of family bonds, he believed Buffy would resent him because he was taking Dawn away from her. So Connor quickly let go of Dawn and removed his lips from hers. "Gotcha," Xander joked. "But seriously, I promised to get Dawn home by midnight, and she's already a few minutes late."
"Just because I have to be in the house right now doesn't mean Steven can't be in the house with me," Dawn told Xander. Connor smiled. Dawn took him in. Xander realized Dawn was old enough to know how to exploit loopholes.
"How was your big night out?," Buffy asked Dawn.
"It was great. It was better than great. It was perfect. No, it was better than perfect," Dawn gushed. She then whispered to Buffy "forget about Christmas presents. Forget about birthday presents. I don't need em now."
Buffy laughed, then added "I hope you know I'm going to hold you to that promise."
"So how was your patrol?," Connor asked Buffy.
"Very quiet. You didn't miss a thing," she told him.
"Without reservation, the best school dance I have ever been to," Xander told Buffy.
"He's not exaggerating," Willow added. "It was almost like it was in a town other than Sunnydale. I mean, how could anything be that perfect in our town?"
"Except being in that school reminded us that, yes, we were in Sunnydale," Xander clarified. "It's the spookiest thing, Buff. They rebuilt it to look exactly like it did when we went there. Reminded us why we were glad we're through with high school."
While they were recollecting Dawn was prolonging her wonderful night. "Steven, this was easily the best night of my life. I just feel so happy to be with you." She started stroking his hair. She had never really noticed it much before. Amazing what a little shampoo and a comb can do.
Connor responded to Dawn's flattery. "I have never been happier than I was tonight. But now, ever while I'm here with you, I'm getting sad. It's ending. I'll have to leave. And right now, I never want to let go of you ever again."
For Dawn, Steven's profuse flattery still hadn't gotten old or tedious. She kissed him. Buffy and Willow and Xander noticed this. "I think you'll need to bring out the Jaws of Life," Xander joked to Buffy. "I'm through babysitting for tonight," he added as a parting shot. Xander and Willow headed upstairs to Willow's room. Buffy decided to let Dawn and Connor have their moment. So long as they were doing nothing more than kissing.
Willow and Xander were finally alone. "Did you see how happy Dawn was about Janice and Brandon?," Willow gushed. "You did a really beautiful thing tonight. You made me remember that killing demons isn't the only way to help people. You changed a few people's lives tonight."
"It was the least I could do. Really, it was," Xander bashfully responded. "It was like one of those movies where people get to go back to high school and do everything right the second time around. But those are just fantasies. No one can change the past. But at least I got the chance to use what I learned from the past to make someone else's future better. It's nice to know there are people who can benefit from my mistakes."
"And you thought you learned nothing from high school!," Willow joked. She hugged Xander. Then she looked into his eyes, and they had one of those awkward moments which can be a prelude to a kiss. Xander ended the awkwardness by kissing Willow – on her forehead. A nice friendly peck from her best bud.
Xander decided now was not the time to press matters. After all, he was standing a few feet from where Tara fell dead. He knew it was too soon. He would not ruin everything by coming on too strong, too soon.
Xander left Willow for the night and came downstairs. Dawn and Connor were still going at it. Xander ducked into the kitchen to talk to Buffy. "Didn't have the heart, did you?," he asked her.
"Actually I do have heart," Buffy responded. "If I were heartless, I wouldn't let them have their moment. But this is Dawn's big night, so I'll let her savor it. Well, so long as Steven doesn't pull any funny business.
Buffy and Xander looked into the living room. It was Dawn who was pulling the funny business! Her hands were getting a little too busy. Kissing was fine, but groping was where Buffy drew the line. She was just surprised it was her little sis who had been the one to cross that line.
"Sorry sis. I'm gonna have to force you to call it a night. I think if you keep Steven here any longer Xander's wheels are gonna turn into a pumpkin." The sound of Buffy's voice caused Connor to quickly let go of Dawn and back away. He eyed Buffy warily.
Buffy walked over to him. "Steven, I want you to know how glad I am that you make my sister so happy. I don't believe she could have a better boyfriend if I had picked one for her myself."
Connor was relieved. The fearsome Buffy was being nice to him. "Uh, thanks. I'm, uh, glad that you're glad."
"Are you okay Spike?," Clem bent down and asked his prostrate friend. He saw a hint of the extent of Spike's injuries. The mauled arm. The scratched and bleeding and bruised face. Nearly all of Spike's face was now red or blue. "I think we need to get you to a hospital," Clem told Spike.
"No hospital," Spike rasply answered as loud as he could, which wasn't very loud but was loud enough to get his point across. "Hospitals are for the sick. I've never felt better. Just let me lie here a while, savor victory."
"I think it's best if we don't move him right now," Anya said to Clem. She bent down and took a close look at Spike. Tears started welling up in her eyes. "That was a beautiful thing you did Spike. A beautiful, stupid, selfish thing." She started crying. Then Anya ran her fingers through Spike's hair –which by now was blond with red streaks – and kissed Spike on his forehead.
Because of his concussion – actually, multiple concussions – and rather extensive internal bleeding, Spike wasn't exactly aware of his physical surroundings at this moment. He might not even have seen or heard Anya. He just stared at the stars and smiled, his teeth soaked in his own blood. A few Leonard Cohen lyrics went through his battered but intact brain:
"Maybe there's a god above,
but all I have ever learned from love,
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.
And it's not a cry that you hear at night,
it's not somebody who's seen the light,
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
hal-le-lu-jah, hal-le-lu-jah, hal-le-lu-jah, hal-le-lu-o-o-ooo-yah."