The sun beamed into my eyes, I slowly opened them to filter out the bright light. It was a beautiful day, one that only comes around once in a lifetime, and one that a person cherishes forever. The wind in the trees made a subtle harmonic sound reminiscent to that of a bird's morning ballad.
I had fallen victim to sleep upon a hill, cradled by the soothing harmonics of wind, endowed by the moon's wistful light. I couldn't recall much more of the night; the only reminder was a blistering headache, broken glass, and my gunblade.
Ugh, where am I? I couldn't even think straight; the sun was throwing my head into a frenzied torment. I looked around to get my bearings, and with little success I determined I was lost and abandoned.
I need to find food, water, or at the very least shelter. How did I get here? Where is HERE? I was completely befuddled by my situation. Typically, I was always the one in control; fear, anguish, and loneliness never gripped me the way they were now. I was that, which I had always begged for in my life, alone, completely alone.
I suppose it was only fitting, though. I'd always asked for this, and now when the time finally came, I was scared.
I always had a rough childhood... My thoughts trailed off, in my state I could hardly remember who I was; reminiscing about childhood was the furthest thing from my mind at the time.
I slowly brought myself to a rise to stretch out the sleep of the night. At least I am alive. With that thought I scanned my surroundings one more time. At that time, and in retrospect, I couldn't have known exactly where I was; it'd have blown my mind.
I couldn't help but feel helpless, like I was lost in a sea of grass, with no one around to depend on. It was rather ironic, I always felt the way of the loner; yet, when it came down it, when I had to make a decision, those around me were my greatest influences. Strictly speaking, when I had to choose a fight or flight response, I chose flight.
I suppose it'd never have been shown though, time has always had that effect on me. From standing outside in the cold rain, screaming for sis, to being frozen in a time-stream, I had never let the memories show. Melodrama is a great tool to benefit those less fortunate, to caress and to hold, to envision a new tomorrow. That's how I got through it all, complex thoughts, erratic and out of control; yet, calm and soothing to a soul that is on fire.
Shaking my head I tried to distance myself from former memories. At that time, I wanted nothing more than to focus, needed nothing more than a simple solution.
I started my descent down the hill, gunblade in hand; I double-checked my shoulder to see if the chip was still there. Yep, I am ready to face the world.
Descent is always the easiest part of climbing; you walk or slide waiting for the bottom to come, you give yourself into the moment, letting nature take control. I did the same, letting the flowing wind take me down the hill.
My mind was always a complex thing, even as a child, I can remember times of feeling different, I had strange memories of fantasies untold; lives changed, times played, and things done. It was almost as if I was a character in my own story, a player in a bigger game of life, a bond.
As I continued my walk down the ever-lasting hill, a memory of a nightmare I once had filled my vision. I fell to my knees and let the wave of contortion take me over.
"My eyes! What are you doing to my eyes?!
You can't do this! It's.. it's.. inhumane!"
A bright flash encompassed the dream and as the light dimmed, two pairs of green eyes focused on me. I could see their pain, their suffering, I could see how they reflected the inner fears of my soul. They echoed a brash tone; they flooded my ears with screeches, intolerable and un-godly.
"Face our fears, step aside, you cannot find
yourself in a world like this.
You should know that by now, stop fooling yourself
You cannot prevail. Time will not wait
No matter how hard you hold on
It escapes you."
At this point, the memories of the dream had expanded to fill every region of my dubious, unconscious mind. The green eyes were always there, shimmering, mocking, and feasting. They feasted upon the fear they instilled in me, as if to say I am perfect, I am god, you cannot run. But even inside the mocking tone, I could sense a feeling of insecurity, a destined truth to what they told me.
It didn't really matter though, they could tell me everything they wanted, it made no sense to me. The whole dream I was living in was a lie, and it was moving too fast to grasp and hold on to. The images of places never seen, children never known, and people never loved flew about my head with dizzying speed, and masterful craftsmanship. In a contorted way, I couldn't wait for more.
I remembered seeing a starlit sky unfold above me much like a parachute opens above one's head. I saw a vast array of times, they all felt real in their own way. The most terrifying feeling of all was the fact that these occurrences were nothing new. The dream would never subside; it was a ghastly reminder of things not yet complete, times not yet finished, and deeds not yet done. I felt a poetic justice creep into my dream, as if times and tenses were shifting, I was being thrown around inside my own mind.
I never exited those dreams, how could I? Times like those are the ones we all cling to, childhood memories are what we always use as a reference point, a buoy in the vast ocean of time. It helps to bring light to our existence, having known this I often pondered to myself, what does that make me if I had nothing but terrible nightmares in my childhood?
Outcast, worthless, stupid. These are all answers I had drawn from the deepest reaches of my mind, to find them sink back in as if a close companion had just whispered them. The dream continued like this for what would probably have been hours in any sane stretch of the imagination; it remained seconds in mine. I don't recall much more of the dream, only that it was this endless loop that I felt needed to be significantly patched. I suppose I would later, but for now the memory drew to a close.
One thing resonated inside of me during the entire barrage of the dream.
The will of Him is the will of me.
The sun was setting when I awoke, and I found myself again in the sympathy of nature. The hill had broken my fall and I was left physically undamaged after the entire ordeal passed. Like before, I found broken glass near me, and untended emotional wounds bleeding after being beaten within an inch of existence.
For the second time in a day, I felt unusually disoriented and out of control. I couldn't say why, I couldn't even pretend to cry. I felt that way. And I'd never know, to this day, why.
The sun was the most elegant I had ever seen it, the pyreflies came out to light the way in the waning hours of sunlight. It was as if they resonated from my very existence.
Such wonderful creatures, I decided, simple and mysterious all at the same time. The light they emit makes me smile, perhaps one of these days I will find the one I'm looking for. as I held this thought in my mind I walked the illuminated path toward unknown territory, the burning red sun casting an aura on the memories of yesterday. They were closing in.