Disclaimer: I don't own Elspeth. I don't own any Heralds mentioned in this story. I don't own Juice Squeeze or The Valdemar Show, by LunaDea (go read it, NOW!), both of which inspired me on this. Dea owns TVS, Crystal Geyser Water Co. owns Juice Squeeze, and Misty Lackey owns Velgarth and everything in it. I do own the idea of Elspeth being called Elsie and not liking it, so ask before you use it, please.

Author's Note: What can I say? "Buy a case of Juice Squeeze today"? Many thanks to the wonderful LunaDea, who let me write this. Elspeth, in my head at least, doesn't seem the type to like nicknames, so I apologize for any OOCness. Yes, I remember "bright feather", but that's not a cute-ified version of her real name. If anyone actually READ this, my. I don't read A/Ns, but, hey, that's me, not you, m'reader. Set right after Winds of Fury.

Don't Call Me Elsie

By Lia of Hill Fort

"I don't care if they write songs about me, I don't care if they write songs about me, I don't care if they write songs about me, I don't care if they write songs about me, I don't care if they write songs about me- Star-Eyed, I care PLENTY if they write songs about me!" Elspeth, it seemed, had finally snapped, as she was throwing pottery, albeit her old, bad pottery everywhere.

At least, that's what Kerowyn thought as she leaned against the wall of the salle, smiling. Generally, the sane don't hurl things at walls without good reasons. Ye gods, Kerowyn's Ride was bad enough. But three? And all at the same time? At least hers don't feature Grandmother's Evil Twin. She winced, thinking of the hyperbole of Kerowyn's Ride. But Elsie's are worse- after all, I wasn't the first of anything then.

"WHEN did I express the LEAST interest in having songs written about my so-called adventures? I'll tell you when- NEVER! But some damnfool Bard takes it into his head that some ballads of what they call "high adventure" and "glory" would make a good Masterwork! I could take ONE about the mission in Hardorn, I could take ONE about my abdication, and I could take ONE about staying with the Hawkbrothers- who TOLD them all that, anyway? I MIGHT be able to take two out of the three, but ALL THREE TOGETHER? I can't DO this, Kero!" the Herald-Mage said, slamming her fist into her palm.

"From what I know, this "Master Givyr" has made something of a specialty out of you. It's actually a bit like my grandmother and her she'enedra's problem with Bard Leslac. I know I've told you about that."

"You already SAID that seven times. AND the man seems to think I'm Vanyel. He just DOESN'T understand that being a Herald-Mage does NOT mean you're always bemoaning your losses. With Vanyel it was excusable- look at all he went through! But with me? Me? I'm not Lovelost, I never had to be five people at once, I just had to go learn things. I've read the Chronicles about him, Kero, he had good cause to complain. I just don't!" she ranted.

"Didn't I ever teach you to look at the problem from all angles? You know what the Shin'a'in say: When you're desperate, anything can be a weapon."

"I can't blackmail him, if that's what you mean. The Bard has me cornered. The only thing left is going off to Bardic in a blaze of mage-power and threatening him, and I can't do that!" Elspeth said, then grinned maniacally. "I have an idea."

"I'll buy you a card to commemorate the occasion."

"Very funny." she said, drawing in the sawdust. "I come with a flashy illusion. Then I start yelling at him about technical errors in his stupid songs. This throws him off his guard. Now you come in with some random Skybolts and charge him with harassing me. If he calls Bardic Immunity on you, Gwena breaks down the door and the Companions cut off the exits. Since he is a damnfool Bard, he might not notice this. So then Firesong and Darkwind break down the front of Bardic and menace him with their birds as Eldan and all the Palace animals stampede him. Sounds good?"

"Impeccable. It has only one flaw."

"What?"

"It'll never work."

"Oh, yes, I appear to be knocking down Bardic twice. Now…Eldan and the animals come round the side and make sure he can't get out. Much better, isn't it?"

"You know, you're really overreacting."

"No, I'm not. He wrote songs about me without my consent. And it looks like he only asked Firesong for details. And Firesong, being, Firesong, embellished them. He thinks Rris is a wolf."

"Really? Probably never seen a wolf, then. But Elsie, you need to calm down."

"I will NOT 'calm down'. He'll be writing soppy love songs about Darkwind and me next- WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?"

"Elsie…"Kerowyn said, backing away.

"Nobody calls Herald-Mage Elspeth k'Sheyna k'Valdemar Elsie and lives! YEEHAW!"

'Yeehaw'… was all Kero had time to think before the world went black.

To be continued…

Author's note: So, did you like it? I know it was short, there's more to come… Flames are welcome as long as they contain:

The numbers 2, 6, 37,and 18 in number form

No Internet fangirl gibberish

The phrases "Tuatha De Dannann", "What's the velocity of an African sparrow carrying a two-pound coconut?", "Can I have some tartan Sellotape, my dear Carrie?", "Louis XVI told me to", and "Why do clocks run clockwise?"

At least three lyrics from Tarma and Kethry or Vanyel ballads (you can find them at http://www.geocities.com/Ravenfield_Vale/lyrics.html)

My email address (lia_s@cox.net)

Two Shin'a'in proverbs and one Tayledras (good list at http://www.dragonlordsnet.com/danp.htm)

And they make sense. That said, goodbye, m'reader! See you in the review lists!

--Lia

I like constructive criticism. In fact, I like any criticism.