~*~
Polly: (disgusted) SPEEDY! For the love of God NO!
Guido: (also disgusted) Don't DO IT! Think of the PAIN!
Fran: (about to vommit) Oh the PAIN, THE PAIN!!
Speedy: (looking down into a toilet) C'mon guys, what's the big deal? It's just like removing
a bandaid! One quick motion...
Polly: But Speedy! This…this is a TOILET!
Speedy: (sarcastic) Really? I always thought it was the elevator...
Polly: (ticked off) SPEEDY!
Guido: (confused) But, this building doesn't have an elevator…does it?
Fran: It was a joke Guido! (rolls her eyes)
Guido: (understands) Ooooh I get it now! Hey, that's funny!
Speedy: Look guys! I gotta do it otherwise we won't be able to go to the movies tonight.
Fran:(sigh) He's got us there…
Guido: (turning away) I can't WATCH!
(Speedy then suddenly dips his hand in the toilet and quickly pulls out thirty dollars)
Polly: (with a wrinkled up face) EW! YUK YUK YUK!
Fran: I can't believe he really did it!
Guido: (turning slowly back around…) Is it all over...?
Speedy: (placing the money beside the sink to dry) So! Now that that's done, who wants to hold
hands back to the kitchen!?
G, F and P: SPEEDY!!
Speedy: Why are you guys overreacting like this?! I got the money, now we can go out tonight
instead of going home and watching paint dry! Besides, it's not like the toilet wasn't flushed
or anything…
(Guido, Polly and Fran exchange glances of disbelief)
Speedy: (noticing the looks on their faces) ....What? It was flushed…right? (growing anxious) RIGHT?!
Fran: We thought you knew.
Speedy: Well I'm not trying to be to obvious here but KNEW WHAT!?
Polly: Speedy the flush for the toilet hasn't been working for 3 weeks.
Speedy: (slowly starting to panic) What...what are you SAYING?!
Guido: (amused) You just dunked your hand happily into an un-flushed toilet
my friend!
(Slight dramatic pause…then…)
Speedy: (yelling at the top of his voice) WHY DIDN'T YOU DOOR KNOBS SAY SOMETHING BEFORE I JUST WASHED MY HAND IN GOD KNOWS WHAT!
Polly: Honestly Speedy, we thought you knew! The plumber has only been here like five days a week since the season started!!
Speedy: The director paid for a plumber CAMEO!? Why didn't he SAY ANYTHING! (waving his hand around in panic) OH GOD I CAN FEEL IT GOING THROUGH MY VEINS! AAAHHHH! (runs out of the toilet, screaming.)
Guido: (staring down into the toilet) You know, I don't see how anyone can use one of those things. Give me a box of organic kitty litter any day!
Fran: Naturally I'd agree with you. That is, if you would clean yours some time this centruy!
(At the Palace…)
Big Cheese: (laying in his spa waving a fan) JERRY! More Bath Salts! CHOP-CHOP!
Oh! And can I have some of your sushi?! It looks so tempting...
Jerry: (looks up for his magazine, annoyed) There are no more bath salts, and you can have a
piece of my sushi...(takes his plate over to Big Cheese)
BC: (takes the whole thing) Thanks Jerry! What would I do without you?
Jerry: (ticked off) Probably cross dressing in a ditch somewhere...
BC: What was that…?
Jerry: Ah...I didn't say anything! That was just an un-suspicious murmured grunt.
BC: (biting into the sushi) Mmmm, you're doing a lot of those lately. Maybe you should tell Badbird to get some cough drops when he goes to the chemist later.
Jerry: (concerned) Why does Badbird need to go to the chemist?
BC: Oh! I don't know, who CARES! Just as long as he remembers to get my moisturizer…
Jerry: If Badbird is sick, he should notify us. We don't want him out of a job!
BC: (annoyed) WHO CARES ABOUT BADBIRD! He probably just has the runs or
something! I warned him about eating all that watermelon...
Jerry: (disgusted, changes the topic) Ah, anyway speaking of making robots…
BC: We're making a robot?
Jerry: (unimpressed) Yes my Lord, it's our life…
BC: Oh…
Jerry: And this week's design is in honor of Big-Foot! Since Badbird is a big fan of the 80's
puppet Alf!
BC: (yelling) You PEANUT! Alf wasn't Big-Foot! He was an alien!
Jerry: (beyond shocked) You're KIDDING! But Badbird said-!
BC: Why the hell are you listening to BADBIRD!? His tiny brain couldn't fit inside an ants
backside!
Jerry: You're absolutely right Cheesy! It won't happen again.
BC: (waving his fan around hysterically) And anyway you've got some nerve dedicating one of our robots to 80's has-beens! You may as well build a giant Doogie Howser robot or something…
Jerry: Now, now. We use to watch him on TV...in fact you had quite a thing for him I seem to recall.
BC: (throws his fan at Jerry's head) QUIET FOOL! Someone might be listening…!
Jerry: Ah, Cheesy? We're on TV before countries across the world…
BC: (mad) OH SHUT UP and give me a foot rub already!
Jerry: (under his breath) Cross Dresser…
BC: JERRY! STOP MURMURING GRUNTS!
(Back at the Parlor…)
Fran: (talking on the phone to someone)..Yes I understand that but...yes…I know…I understand mother but…we're very busy down here and I don't think…can't she just!…MOTHER!…no! I am not being difficult!…I AM NOT RAISING MY VOICE!
Guido: Who's Francine screaming at?
Speedy: (shrugging) Judging by her tone, probably her agent.
Fran: (shouting into the phone)…MOTHER! PLEEEASE!!
Guido: Oh I know! It's her mother right?!
Polly: (sarcastic) Goodness! How did you manage to guess that?
Guido: Magical physic powers..!
Polly: Give me a break! (smirk)
Fran: (hangs up in fury) OH, THAT WOMAN! She just makes me want hit something...
(Fran grabs a rolled up newspaper and hits Speedy over the head)
Speedy: OUCH! Francine?! (rubbing the back of his head) What the hell was that for?!
Fran: You heard me! I needed to hit something! And your head is conveniently placed within striking distance.
Speedy: Couldn't you hit a customer next time you yell at your mother? (still rubbing his head)
Fran: (hands on her hips) And what do you think that would do for business? HUH?! Send people to the Steak House instead of here that's what!
Polly: Hey Fran, why were you so upset with your mother anyway?
Fran: (turning red) BECAUSE SHE'S A ROTTEN, GOOD FOR NOTHING BIT-!
Guido: (covers Fran's mouth before she could finish) Okay I think we get the picture! We don't want the censors on our case! I've had enough trouble with them this season...
Fran: You're right, I'm sorry. I shouldn't say things like that about my own mother…(under her breath)…wrinkled old bag…
Speedy: So what's the problem?
Fran: She's making me baby-sit my 15 year old brat of a sister Mary for a 48 hours of
utter hell.
Guido: What's so bad about baby-sitting your sister?
Fran: The title of this episode is "Mary has Mad Cows Disease" Guido! Figure it out!
Guido: (a little confused) You mean she's been eating beef in England?
Fran: NO! It's an expression defining how she's a huge werido FREAK!
Polly: (cutting in) How long since you last saw her Fran?
Fran: I haven't seen her for about a year. She's been an exchange student in Russia. I was hoping it was a permanent vacation. But now she's back…! (starting to go red again)...she's already ruining my life and she's not even here YET! (grabs the rolled up newspaper again and wacks Speedy across the neck).
Speedy: OUCH! FRAN?! hit Guido!
Polly: When's your sister arriving?
Fran: Later this afternoon...
Guido: Come on Francine! She can't be all that bad.
Fran: Believe me, you have absolutely no idea. My sister is the BIGGEST..(grabs the rolled up
newspaper again)...snotty little brat on the face of the EARTH! (walking towards Speedy)
Speedy: (running away) Oh no you don't! I may have insurance, but I can tell you something! Who ever said that cats have nine lives should be hunted down and gunned in the street!
Polly: (standing triumphantly) I agree! More cats would be alive today if people would stop
throwing them of high-rise buildings to see how they land! Our lives our precious and shouldn't be taken advantage of!
Guido: (also standing triumphantly) And I want to see purple M&M's!
Polly, Fran and Speedy: ???
Guido: (embarrassed) Nevermind…
N: Meanwhile, in the stinky depths of Big Cheese's underground hideout…
BC: Jerry, I need this robot finished by tonight!!
Jerry: (intrigued) Why?
BC: Because tomorrow night I watch 'Mama's House!'
Jerry: So your saying that you, our fearless leader will hold off our ruthless and destructive
plot to build our Empire just so he can watch half an hour of MAMA'S HOUSE!?
BC: YES!
Jerry: (not amused) …Fine. But if we're going to release the robot by tonight, we need Badbird.
BC: (angry) Well don't look at me! The feather brain should have been back ages ago. Probably
caught the wrong bus.
Jerry: But I thought he took the station wagon...?
BC: (mad) DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE!
(Badbird suddenly enters the room with a paper bag from the chemist.)
Jerry: (suprised) Hey he's back!
BC: (sarcastic) JOY!
Jerry: (going over to Badbird) Badbird! Thank goodness you're here! Cheesy wants the robot finished by tonight!
BB: (almost dropping the bag) Tonight?! But that's impossible! We would need at least 100 more men to build it at that rate! We haven't even finished the HEAD!
Jerry: Do we really need a head?
BB: According to anatomy, YES!
Jerry: I suppose you're right...(changing the subject) By the way, are you okay? Health wise and
all?
BB: Oh yeah! I just needed to get Carla some of that soap she likes…
Jerry: Hey did you get any gum? (grabs the paper bag)
BB: GIVE THAT BACK! (trying take the bag back)
Jerry: What have you got in here?! (reading a label) Viag..
BB: (snatching it back before he could finish) Do you MIND?! What I buy at the chemist is none of
your business! (embarrassed) And that's just Viagrahemlian! It's for...aching...feathers!
Jerry: (amused) Big night planned huh? Somebody better warn Carla…
N: HA HA!
BB: SHUT UP!
N: Since nothing worthwhile is taking place at the Pizza Parlor except the usual, boring time
consuming yapping to fill in time before our sponsors do a commercial, this next scene will be
shot at the local train station! Didn't expect that DID YOU!?
(A serious looking girl is waiting outside. She looks a lot like a younger verion Fran, only she has short hair and brown eyes. She's wearing a purple singlet top and a long red skirt…)
Mary: (talking to herself) Typical! Franny seems to think that work and earning money like all other cultural conformists is more important then picking up her own sister. (heads to a bus stop across the road)
N: Back at the Parlor…
Polly: (looking at her watch) Mary will be here soon Fran…are you still going to set a trap at
the doorway?
Fran: I better not. I'm going to do my best to stay calm! But it won't be easy...
N: Back on the bus…that was fast huh?
Mary: (sitting at a window seat in the bus) Seats dirty...windows dirty...the bus driver even looks dirty too.
N: Speaking of dirt guess who Mary just happened to sit infront of?
Son: Millie Vanillie?!
N: No I meant...!
Mama: WAIT! I got it! Kevin Spacey?!
N: I MEANT YOU TWO FISH HEADS! No wonder you only get two seconds of screen time in every episode!
Mama: HEY! We're working on a deal with the director to make it three!
Son: (on another subject) Ma? How did we finally get on the bus?
Mama: Good question Junior! I actually don't remember the process of getting on the bus…
Son: Do you know where it's even going?
Mary: (who butted into their conversation rudely) It's going to my sister Franny's Pizza Parlor.
I suggest you memorise the bus schedule next time…
N: Looking over the script wouldn't hurt either.
Son: Oh NO! Not the Pizza Parlor! Now we're back to we have been since the first episode! (traumatised) We'll never get home! NEVER!
Mama: Well look on the bright side Junior! We got to be animated in a different BACKGROUND!
N: That's your bright SIDE?!
(Back at the hide-out...)
BC: (furious) I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO HAVE THIS THING UP AND RUNNING BY
NOW!
Jerry: But you said to have it finished by tonight Cheesy! Which is tough enough as it is!
BC: Then drink Pepsie Max or something! I want this thing done in an hour!
Jerry: AN HOUR!? Cheesy that's not humanly POSSIBLE!
BC: Well of course it's not humanly possible! Incase you haven't looked in the mirror lately
we're CARTOONS! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
Jerry: (sigh) Fine…but I'm not drinking Pepsie Max!
N: Back at the Parlor, the awaited guest has arrived outside. Everyone's very excited
too!
Fran: Oh NO! (staring out the window) SHE'S HERE! QUICK! HIDE ME! TELL HER
THIS THE WRONG PLACE! Tell her...this…this is THE BANK!
Polly: (slapping her) Snap out of it Fran!
Speedy: Yeah! I thought you said you were going to go through with this…(also looking out the
window)…she looks harmless enough…
Polly: (worried) Please Speedy, don't get her started again!
Fran: (frantic) Well...I'm just going to get Guido...YES! He's downstairs in his guest bedroom
isn't he?! GREAT! (runs away downstairs)
Polly: She'll do anything to get out of the room.
Speedy: (agreeing) I know! She still thinks we should hide her in the oven…
(Mary comes through the front door looking around for Francine)
Mary: (disappointed) Wow…this place is even tackier then I thought! It's so Franny…(glares at Speedy and Polly) Are you guys here to take my bags?
Speedy and Polly: (confused) What?
Mary: Take my bags? You know, to my room or whatever? Its cool, they have handles.
Polly: (under her breath) What does she think this place is? The PLAZA?!
Speedy: (trying to be polite) Hi Mary...um I'm Speedy and this is Polly (pointing at Polly who is busy giving Mary a dirty look)…we're friends of your sisters and we've been asked to welcome you here on behalf of the-!
Mary: (interrupting) So you're not here to take my bags?
Polly: (coldly) No…!
Mary: I just figured you were ushers or something. Those uniforms your wearing can only be representations of some dead end job…(realises something) Oh yeah! You're pizza delivery guys aren't you?
Polly: (trying to remain calm) Speedy...where's my frying pan?
Speedy: (worried) Hehe…not now Polly…!
(Meanwhile, downstairs…)
Fran: (knocking on Guido's door) Guido come out! I need back-up upstairs! Mary's here!
Guido: (locked in his room) I just want to tell you something first…
Fran: There's no time for that now Guido! (still knocking on the door) She's upstairs as we SPEAK!
Guido: You need to know that I love you! You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!...I want
you...NOW!
Fran: GUIDO?! (blushing) Have you been drinking again or something…?
Guido: (in a desperate voice) TAKE ME! I'm YOURS! Leave that beach, LEAVE IT ALL! And MARRY ME!
Fran: OOOH! I see...(suddenly realizes what's going on) GUIDO! For the last time! Stop talking
to that poster of Yasmin BLEETH!
(Fran drags Guido upstairs…)
Guido: (upset) Why couldn't you leave us be?! I think she was finally going to say yes!
Fran: That's the last time we leave you alone in a room!
Mary: (turning around to see Fran) Well well! Look who finally decided to make an appearance!
Fran: Hello Mary...(trying to be nice, but its not really working)…how was Russia?
Mary: Good thank you.
Fran: Too bad you couldn't have stayed longer huh?
Mary: Yeah, I'm sure you would have just loved that Franny…(snickers)
Fran: (clenching her fists) My name is Fran-CINE! I thought we went over that!
Mary: Yeah well anyway Franny (smirk) I'm over Russia. I need to broaden my horizens somewhere else…I thinking Nepal. I'd like to become a buddhist.
Fran: Right, of course. (changing the topic) You're wearing colour…what happened to the gothic thing?
Mary: I missed colour Franny! Black is just so…(thinking)…black!
N: Wow...that was deep.
Mary: (eyeing Guido) So aren't you going to introduce me to your other friend? I've already met
dweedle-dum and dweedle-dee over there…(referring to Speedy and Polly)
Polly: (claws out) Anyone feel like chopped Buddhist?! (getting ready to pounce) I DO!
Speedy: (holding her down) Ahahaha! Ignore Polly, she ate expired shrimp this
morning!
Fran: Mary this is Guido, Guido Mary…
Mary: (shaking his hand) Nice…(winks at him)…you have some taste after all Franny.
Polly: (getting really peeved now, whispers to Speedy) That little skank!
Fran: (whispering something in Mary's ear) Forget it Mary! He's too old for you…
Mary: Like that's stopped me before!
(Suddenly, Al appears on the intercome)
Fran: (deeply relieved) YES! A diversion!
All, except Mary: What's up Big Al?
Al: Clouds. (suddenly hysterical) AHAHAHAHAHAAA!!
Mary: (not humored) I see television hasn't changed much since I left it...(turns to Fran)
Franny can I use the bathroom? I need to check my pores.
Fran: Go ahead…use it as looong as you want!
(Mary leaves)
Al: Who was that?
Polly: The Icequeen!
Speedy: (correcting her) That was Fran's sister Al…
Fran: (restating her point) I told you guys she was going to be trouble! I hope she falls in the unflushed toilet…
Al: Never mind that now! There's a...(hysterical again)...Big Cheese has...BWAAHAHAHA!! Excuse me..!
Guido: What's so funny Al?
Al: (still chuckling) Big Cheese has unleashed his latest ROBOT! HAHAHAHAHA!! And...it's…it's reeking havoc over LITTLE TOKYO!! HAHA!
Speedy: And the funny part is suppose to come in…where?
Al: Just get out there and have a look...(chuckle)…you'll see what I mean!
(Blast of sequence is cued…)
Fran: (over the load speaker) Attention Ladies and Germs! We hear a big robot is giving you the
worms! So don't be alarmed at the smoke you see in the sky! It's not the Director
giving off gas but our crime fighting felines SOURING HIGH!...(hand on her gun) Stand by!
(Pizza Cat's get shot off one by one)
Son: Well here we are again doing the same thing we always do…
Mama: (optimistic) Don't feel so down Junior! I read that watching flying cats is very beneficial for your health!
Son: Ma...
Mama: Yes junior?!
Son: Don't read anymore.
(Back to the Cat's soaring about above…)
Guido: (staring at the robot) Hey check it out! No wonder Al was laughing so much!
Polly: (squinting) Is it just me or does that robot have the body of Alf and the head of a
geisha?
N: Since Big Cheese pushed the limit on this robot, Badbird had to come up with an alternative
used head from a past design.
Polly: (giggling) How CUTE!
Guido: (laughing) How FUNNY!
Speedy: (also laughing) Hey…! You know what else is really funny…!
Guido and Polly: What?!
Speedy: (pointing ahead) See that building!
G and P: Yeah?!
Speedy: I think we're about to crash against it head first!! (hysterical) AAAAHAHAHAAHA!!
(meekly) Save me...!
All: (trying cover there faces as they head for the building) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
(The cats slam into the building…causing much damage.)
Polly: Oh yeah...(peeling her face of the wall)…this is real funny alright!
Guido: (sarcastic) A riot…
N: Then as if that wasn't enough…out of know where, the robot suddenly grabs Polly and Guido in both hands and begins to squeeze! …Hey! Now I have a craving for orange juice…
Polly: (gasping for air) Can't...BREATH...!
Guido: (suffocating) I…feel like…I'm in a…waffle IRON!
Polly: But…you're…not a waffle! (gasping)
Guido: It's a...figure of…speech POLLY!
N: And who could be preforming such animal abuse?! Take a wild guess…
BB: AAAAHAHAHAHAHA!! They're like instant stress balls!
Jerry: Just what you needed.
Speedy: (yelling from down below) What the hell do you think you're doing stealing my friends and trying to kill them?! We didn't get to do our traditional ENTRANCE YET!
Jerry: Thank God for that.
BB: (speaking through the load speaker in the robot) So what are you going to do about Speedy?!
Just stand there and scare me and my robot away with mind power?!
N: Mind power? Look who he's talking to!
Speedy: Actually my second option was to blow up that robot until the destruction resembled your mangled FACE! (pulling out his ginzu sword) It's that time of the episode everybody!
Jerry: (sweating) You just had to ask didn't you Badbird…
N: Well any idiot could see that this was going to happen somewhere in the last five minutes! So
once again our gallant hero Speedy pulls his old ginzu sword trick on the bad guys in a wonderful display of sound and lighting effects!
Speedy: (in the final sequence) Here it comes, ready or NOT!
Polly: (still struggling) Speedy!...(gasp)...WHAT ABOUT US??!!
Guido: (breathing heavily) SPEEDY NO!!
(Speedy blasts the robot causing it to crumble into pieces)
BB: (airborne) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!! You're paying for the mess this time JERRY!!
Jerry: (also airborne) Forget IT! Will just take it out of Cheesy's health fund! Tell him we
needed to get you some more "Viagrahemlian!" (laughs)
BB: (irritated) SHUT UP!!
(Down below, Polly and Guido lay on the ground next to Speedy. They are burnt to crisps…)
Speedy: Sorry GUYS! hehe…he! I guess I made a slight tactical error...!
Guido: (clenching his fist) Slight?!
Polly: (going red) SLIGHT!!??
Speedy: Okay then…a moderate error!
Guido: MODERATE!!??
Polly: (getting on her feet) YOUR GONNA DIE FUR BRAIN!!
N: As Polly and Guido chase Speedy back to the Pizza Parlor they are shocked to learn that
Francine went late night shopping and left Mary to get up to all kinds of mischief! Including throwing a huge party in her absence…
Polly: (almost speechless) Oh NO! Look at this place!
Speedy: (surveying the Parlor) Where did all these people come from?! And what's a DJ doing in
the bathroom?!
Guido: (grinning) COOL! A party in the Pizza Parlor!
Polly: Yeah really cool! (sigh) Just wait till Fran gets back...
Speedy: (gulp) Too bad we don't have that bomb shelter anymore.
N: Speaking of Francine, guess who just came up the stairs carrying the evening groceries!
Fran: (horrified) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! MY RESTAURANT!! MY PROFIT ORGANIZATION!! (nursing her fist) WHO'S THE DIRTY RAT RESPONSIBLE!!?
(Guido, Polly and Speedy all point to Mary sitting on the bench…)
Fran: (going over the music and box and ripping out the chord) THAT'S IT! Everybody OUT!
OUTOUTOUT!!
(The party leaves in complaint)
Mary: (very embarrassed) Franny how could you do THAT!? You just humiliated me in front of all my NEW FRIENDS!!
Fran: (fed up) I leave you alone for three hours and you make friends with half the community of
Little TOKYO!?
Mary: Its called networking Franny! And stop being such a 'virgo!'
Fran: Oh don't give me that star sign nonsense!
Mary: You're just like MOTHER! You never let me EXPRESS MYSELF!
Polly: Talk about your typical Brady Bunch family...
Mary: (turning to Polly) Oh and what star sign are you I wonder?
Polly: Scorpio…
Mary: Yeah, I thought so!
Polly: What is that suppose to MEAN?!
Fran: THAT'S ENOUGH MARY! You're going to stay here all night and clean this place up while we go to the movies! And then I'm calling mother and getting you out of here!
Mary: (suddenly desperate) NO! Not mother FRANNY! Don't send me THERE! (on her
knees) PLEASE!
Fran: You should have thought of that earlier! (throws her a mop) Get our money Speedy!...(to Mary) AND DON'T CALL ME FRANNY!
Mary: You know…there is way to much weird sexual tension between you four. If you
just release it maybe you'de stop taking it out on ME! (goes downstairs to clean in a huff)
Guido: Sexual tension? Us?
Polly: That's a laugh!
Fran: (amused) There's no sexual tension between us!
N: Sure...what ever helps you all sleep at night. (giggles)
P, G and F: (confused) HUH?!
Speedy: (yelling from inside the bathroom) Ah, GUYS! I dropped the money in toilet again! BRING THE PLUNGER!
Polly: (extremely irritated) Not AGAIN! Somebody get gloves!
~*~
- THE END! -