Authors: Becky (anonyme@lisco.com)
Distribution: Cover Me, Alias FanFiction List, SD-1 Boards. Anyone else, please ask first (I'll probably say yes).
Feedback: Please? Pretty please??? I live for it!
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, they belong to JJ and Bad Robot Productions. I just like playing with them from time to time. I promise to return them in one piece. More or less. :-)
Summary: Companion piece to Acceptance.
Rating: R
Classification: Drama/Angst
Spoilers: Takes place during and after Counteragent, but before Passage part 1.
Author's note: I'm sorry this has taken so long. However, I have learned my lesson that trying to write and working in retail during Christmas don't quite go together. Since this is a companion piece to Acceptance, I'd strongly recommend that you read Acceptance before reading this. Here's the link: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1100497
Many thanks to Jen for her paragraph by paragraph beta on IM once again. Now we can go back to work on RTP.
Thanks for reading!
Becky
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I don't know what the hell I'm thinking. Most people would go home after being released from the hospital, but what do I do? I go to work. Ok, so technically, I'm not here to work. I'm here to see her. I really need to have my head examined.
The thing is, I promised her an answer to her question if she helped me. And as much as I hate to admit it, she did help me. So here I am, sitting, waiting to see her.
As the bars that guard the entrance to her cell slowly open, I struggle to get up. Her damned virus might have almost killed me, but I won't give her the satisfaction of seeing me in a wheelchair. No, when I see Irina Derevko, I will be standing. Even if it takes the last ounce of strength I have.
Her back is to me as I stand before the glass that separates us. And then she turns and leans against the wall. Waiting. Even though I'm certain she knows why I'm here, I remind her anyway. But that is after I thank her.
"I didn't do it for you," she says, and the corners of her mouth turn up, but I would never call it a smile. A smile indicates warmth, and this, expression, is anything but.
I don't like having my words thrown back at me. I want to walk away from here, but I intend to keep my word. Not because I think she deserves it. No, I'm doing this for me. Because if I don't, it makes me no better than her.
I look away from her and take a breath, preparing myself. "I'm trying to live a normal life, which is hard given what I do. But it's gotten harder since I met your daughter. It's not that knowing her hasn't made my life better. It has. But it's also made it that much worse."
I pause for a moment, not sure I should go on. And then I decide I won't. As it is, I've already said more than I had planned. "I think I've said enough."
"The problem, Mr. Vaughn, is that to the one person who matters, you haven't said anything."
No. No way she's pulling this shit. "Listen, this may not mean anything to you. This may not be something you can understand or appreciate, but we have rules. Very clear and important rules that govern the relationship between a handler and his asset." Take that, you bitch...
"And between a man and a woman?"
Fuck! How do you respond to a question like that? Me? All I'm able to do is stand there like a deer caught in headlights. In fact, I barely remember to close my mouth before I turn and leave. I try not to think about the question, but it's impossible with her words echoing louder and louder in my mind. Suddenly, the events of the past week catch up with me and I'm just hoping I make it back to my desk before I collapse.
I walk through the door into the Ops Center and I see her leaning against a desk. I knew she was here, but I didn't realize she was here here. Waiting here. Apparently waiting here for me. God, she is a sight for sore eyes.
Even though I'm happy to see her, I'm not. And that is just because I'm not ready to see her. Not yet. Not after being forced to face feelings I've been resisting, denying, for over a year now. Right now, I need time to get these thoughts, these feelings, back under control.
None of that matters though because she's here and she's smiling and she's walking towards me. Did I mention that she's smiling that brilliant smile that makes my knees go weak, that makes me forget that people like her mother and Sloane exist?
"Hi."
I respond by repeating her greeting and then she wraps her arms around me. I bring my arms up, holding her to me and for the first time since I awoke to find Jack Bristow sitting across from my hospital bed, I'm certain I'm alive.
We stand like this for longer than we probably should, but I don't give a damn. Jack Bristow himself could walk in and I would not let her go. But then I do something stupid. I thank her for saving my life. Again.
Immediately, I feel her stiffen and she starts to pull away. She takes a step back, her eyes focused anywhere but on me. She finally looks up and we stand here saying nothing. When I can't take the silence any longer, I tell her that I heard about Sark, letting her know that I know about the choice she was forced to make because of me.
I listen as she tells me about Sloane and Sark. As she speaks, she has this rueful smile on her face. And all of this is because of me. Because of me, she was forced to make a decision which almost cost another man his life. Even if it was Arvin Sloane, a man whom Sydney has wished dead on more than one occasion, she should never have had to make that kind of a choice.
When she finishes, I realize that I have some explaining to do. I know Alice was at the hospital. And thanks to a nurse who filled me in on certain events that took place while I was unconscious, I know that she and Sydney met. "I understand you met Alice."
She looks away, nodding as she does. "She seems nice."
She still isn't looking at me. However, that changes when I agree with her assessment, re enforcing it. As I try to explain, I notice that she keeps looking around the room. When I say something about having broken up with Alice, she does look at me, telling me that she remembers me saying something about it.
I start to explain about how we ran into each other at a friend's a couple of months later but before I can finish Syd stops me, telling me that I don't have to explain. "No, I know, but I want to because if things were the other way around..."
She cuts me off. "Seriously," she begins before pausing. "Don't explain." Then she just looks at me, takes a deep breath, smiles and says she'll see me tomorrow.
I'm standing here, watching her walk away from me. Again. Only this time, it's different. This time, she's leaving without letting me explain something she needs to know, something she needs to understand. And I'm letting her. Her mother was right. To the person who matters most, I've said nothing.
I'm still standing in the same place when Kendall comes up explaining how he knows that Jack and Sydney broke protocol, but he's glad that it worked out. Right. Like he really gives a rat's ass. The only reason I'm even breathing right now is because of them. It certainly isn't because of the asshole standing next to me.
And then I realize I can't let Sydney leave, not without making her understand that my relationship with Alice isn't what she apparently thinks it is. "Excuse me," I say, walking away from him. I don't even know if he is still talking or not. Moreover, I don't give a shit. But I do care about the woman who just walked out of here.
I take off across the room, walking faster than I would have thought possible five minutes ago. Then again, five minutes ago, Sydney hadn't walked out and I thought I'd have a chance to explain. God, I should have known better.
I get into the main hall and I see her walk around a corner. When I reach that bend, I see her go around another. Finally, I know she's heading to the elevators and I'm positive I'll catch up with her. And when I do, I'll make her listen, whether she wants to or not.
I think about what I'm going to say as I come around the last corner. I'm ready to call out to her, but her name dies on my lips unspoken. The area is devoid of people, except for one man typing on a computer station. Here I am, staring at the place where Sydney should have been, and I realize that, once again, I didn't move fast enough. Not when it mattered most.
After standing here for a minute or so, I smile. Maybe it's actually for the best. This will give me the time I need to make sense of what I need to tell her. It also means that we will have this conversation somewhere outside of this building, away from the prying eyes of our co-workers. And okay, I also can't help but feel just a little bit good about the fact that she seems jealous of Alice. So sue me, I'm only human.
I turn around and walk back to my desk. Just as I get there, my phone starts to ring. Since no one knows I'm even here today, this can't be good. As I pick it up, I realize I should have just let it go to voicemail, but it's too late now. "Vaughn," I answer, picking up a couple of files on my desk.
"You know, I had a feeling I would find you there even though you should be at home resting."
Damn... My mother. "Well, I was actually on my way out. You just caught me," I answer as I flip through the first file.
"Well then I guess it's a good thing I did."
Okay, now alarms are going off in my head at that statement because whatever she is going to say next will probably prevent me from reacquainting myself with my bed for the next few hours. "Why?" I ask as I drop the files back on my desk, hearing, but not listening to what she is saying. Screw work for today, I'll catch up tomorrow.
"Michael?"
"I'm here," I reply distractedly, still moving things around on my desk.
"Well, what do you think?"
I look up from my desk, half expecting to see my mother standing on the other side, a disapproving look gracing her beautiful features. Think, Mike, think. What the hell was she talking about? Shit! I'll just say something and hope it's right. "That sounds wonderful."
"Good, then I'll see you around six-thirty."
Oops. What the hell did I just agree to? "What do you mean?"
"Michael, have you heard one word I've said?"
"Mom, I'm sorry. I found something on my desk and got distracted. What were you talking about?"
Now I hear it. That sigh which is a combination of impatience and disappointment. I have to wonder if they give lessons in sighing like that or if it's just something that comes naturally once you are a parent.
"I want you to come for dinner tonight. I'm quite certain that anything in your refrigerator that was barely edible five days ago is now bordering on a science experiment. That's if there was anything in there to begin with. You need to get your strength back. And I know no better way for you to do that than by fixing you a proper meal."
There is no point in arguing. I know this. So I do the only thing I can do. I give in. "Do you want me to bring some wine?"
"What do you take me for? My God, Michael! Do you honestly think I would ask you to bring something tonight?"
Ok, I'm confused. When did the offer of bringing wine to a family dinner become an insult? "I just thought..."
"Well don't. All you need to bring is yourself."
I'm thirty-four years old and right now I feel like I'm five. "I'll be there around six-thirty. Okay?"
"That will be perfect. I'll see you in a couple of hours. I love you."
This is the worst thing that can happen to a grown man at his office. It's one thing if you are talking to your girlfriend or your wife, but saying I love you when it's your mom on the other end... Well it's not something you'll live down anytime soon. Just get it over with Mike... "I love you too."
As I say this, I look around, prepared to roll my eyes and pretend to be put out just to cover my ass. Thankfully, it isn't necessary.
From the tone of her voice now, I can tell she is smiling. "I'll see you soon. Good-bye, dear."
"Bye, Mom." I hang up the phone and realize that the guys who have the desks next to mine were just waiting, waiting, for me to hang up the phone.
"Ohhhh, isn't that sweet. Vaughn loves his mommy," someone, I think it was Sullivan, whines sarcastically.
I'm about to respond when Kendall, of all people, comes up and tells Sullivan to can it. "Leaving already?"
Coming here was such a bad idea in so many ways... "I thought I would. Is that a problem?" I ask after we've walked away from the others.
"Not since we weren't expecting you here today."
"Fine. I guess I'll start getting caught up tomorrow."
"Good."
I don't know why, but I always get this feeling that Kendall is just waiting to spring something on me. That or he's just waiting for me to screw up. And he seems to get really pissed when I don't. I smile at the thought as I start to walk away, only to be called back by his royal baldness. "What?"
"The guard at the gate had this sent in. Said it was urgent."
I take what he's offering me, staring at what appears to be an ATM deposit envelope. I turn it over, curious as to why someone would want me to have this. It isn't even for my bank. I flip it back over to open it and that's when I see something scribbled on the lower left corner.
"Thanks," I tell Kendall, waving the envelope as I walk away. Going back over to my desk, I grab my keys and leave. I desperately want to open what I'm clutching in my hand, but there is no way in hell I will until I'm alone.
I make it to my car in record time, but do you think the damn key would go into the fucking lock? Hell no. I'd love to blame my lack of coordination on the fact that I just got out of the hospital after nearly dying, but I can't. Whatever is inside that envelope is from Sydney and if the way my name is scrawled across the paper is any indication, when she wrote it she was extremely upset.
The key finally slides home and I quickly unlock the door and get in the car. I slip the key into the ignition and then turn my attention to the envelope. I carefully open it and extract the piece of paper. Unfolding it, I begin reading.
I'm only to the third sentence when I pull my phone from my coat. I dial Syd's cell because I know there is no way she could be home yet. When I get her voicemail, I debate about leaving a message before deciding against it for the moment.
I put the phone down and go back to the note. Halfway through, I'm reaching for my phone again. As I dial her number, I pray that she answers me this time. Again I get her voicemail, but this time I do leave a message. "Sydney. I need you to call me when you get this message. I don't care what time it is. Just call me."
I toss the phone on the seat, frustrated by Sydney's silence. She never has her phone turned off, so I know she's just ignoring it. Ignoring me. And the possible reasons why scare the shit out of me.
I take a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for whatever else she's written. When I finally finish, I know there is nothing in this world that could have ever prepared me for what I've just read.
I don't know how long I've been sitting here, but slowly, the shock of her words begins to wear off. That's when anger kicks in. I drop the note on the seat and grab the phone, speed dialing her cell one more time. When that damned voicemail message comes on, I explode. "What the fuck gives you the right to do this? You won't let me explain about Alice but you get to tell me about Danny, Noah, and Will? And then you say you are going to talk to Devlin? I'll be damned if I'm just going to let you do this. Don't fight you? Well you can bet your ass I'll fight you. No matter what you might be thinking right now, I'm not going to have you save my life only to walk out of it!"
I'm not quite finished with my little tantrum when I hear an annoying little beep, indicating that my message is too long. I hit end on my phone and throw it down on the seat, letting it join that damned letter. I start the car fully aware that I need to get out of there. Now.
I pull out, driving quickly to the gate. I hold out my hand for the clipboard before the guard even has his head out of the little window.
"Agent Vaughn, did you get the note Agent Bristow left for you?"
So, he's the one she gave it to. "Yeah, I did," I answer as I take the clipboard he's finally offered me.
"You know, I asked if she was okay when she left. She seemed really upset. I mean really upset."
I'm about to sign my name, but stop after his words sink in. My anger fades immediately, concern replacing it. "What do you mean 'really' upset?"
"Just what I said. It looked like she'd been crying, but she said everything was fine. Then she asked me to make sure you got the envelope she handed me."
I quickly scribble my name and hand the log back to him. "What did she do then?"
"Huh?"
"Did she say anything else?"
"No. She just left."
Shit! "Thanks." I'm about to leave the garage when I realize that Syd had to sign out too. "Can I see the log for a second?"
He looks confused, but hands it back to me. I only have to go up four lines to find what I'm looking for. I shove the board back at him and drive off.
When I get to the first red light, I reach for my phone. A moment later, I'm waiting for it to be answered. I'm not happy when it goes into voicemail for the fourth time. I notice the light has turned green, so I hit end without leaving a message.
I'm about halfway down the next block when a really stupid idea hits me. It's something I could end up regretting in more ways than I can even imagine. Checking the rearview mirror, I zip over into the right lane and then I take a right at the next corner.
I grab the phone, deciding that if Sydney answers this call, I'll go on to my mom's. If not, I'll be a little late. Call number five ends with the same result as the other four. I need to call my mother.
And I get her answering machine. I'm really beginning to hate the damned things. I leave her a quick message, just letting her know that I might be a few minutes late. I have a stop to make first.
Putting the phone in my pocket, I start to think about what I'm doing. I know that this could be dangerous if Sydney is being watched, but I need to know that she's alright. Even though her note left me angry and hurt, it also has me worried. She's been through too much lately, and I honestly don't know how much more she can handle without finally breaking.
Twenty-nine minutes later, I'm sitting at a stop light one block from her apartment, waiting for the light to change. All the way here, I kept trying to talk myself out of doing this, but I couldn't. I need to know that she's home, safe and sound.
The light changes and I slowly move forward. Trying to make it appear as if I'm looking for a house number, I glance back and forth from house to house, slowing down even more when I reach Sydney's.
The first thing I notice is that her car isn't in the drive. It's not out in front either. And she's had more than enough time to get home. I go a bit further down the block, still hoping to see her car, but it's not here.
Glancing in the mirror, I see Will and Francie run out the front door. Francie runs to the end of the sidewalk, looking for something. When I see Will take off towards the corner, I know they aren't looking for something. They are looking for someone. Sydney.
I get to the end of the block and I know that if SD-6 has the area under surveillance, I need to make it look like I was just some lost fool. Pulling my phone back out of my coat, I dial home, waiting until my machine picks up to leave an inane message that only Donovan will hear.
Satisfied that no one, not even SD-6's security section, would think twice about my little drive by, I head home to change. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the next few hours not knowing where and how Sydney is, but canceling on my mother is not an option. Too many questions would be asked and I don't have nearly enough answers.
Another twenty-five minutes and I reach my apartment. I run inside, feed Donovan, and change into something a little more casual. Checking my machine on my way out, I see I have one new message. I reach down and erase it without listening.
I get back to my car and I see the note still lying on the seat. Picking it up, I re-read it, trying to understand the desperation that forced this latest sacrifice. This time when I finish, I fold it and place it back inside the envelope. I think about calling Sydney, but I know there is no point. But there is someone else I can call.
I dial a number that is becoming more familiar than I'd ever thought it would. After the fourth ring, I'm afraid that I will get just get his voicemail, but thankfully he finally picks up.
"Syd?"
"Will, it's Michael Vaughn."
"Oh, hey."
I can hear Francie in the background asking who he's talking to, asking if it's Sydney. I hear her disappointment and worry when he tells her it's just someone returning a call about a job.
"Will, I'm sorry to call you like this, but have you heard from Sydney?"
"Hang on a sec, okay. The reception in here is terrible."
A few seconds later, I hear a door open and close and then he's back.
"Sorry but I just didn't want to do this in front of Francie."
"I understand. I didn't want to call, but Sydney's not answering her phone and I was just wondering if she was home yet?"
"No, she's not. Actually, Fran and I are starting to get a little worried."
This isn't really what I wanted to hear. "Why?"
"Her bag is here. It looks like she was here long enough to drop it off, change her clothes, and then leave again. But see, Francie and I were here and she didn't even let us know she was home."
"Could she have gone for a run?" I ask, remembering that sometimes she goes to the track when she needs to think.
"I don't think so."
"Why not?"
"The stuff she takes to the track is still in the bag in her room. What the hell is going on?"
The accusatory tone does not escape my notice, but I ignore it as if it had. "I'm not sure. But she was upset about something when she left today and I'm just worried."
I don't like lying to Will, but I'm not prepared to go into everything that happened during the five minute conversation I had with her. I glance at my watch and know I have to get going. "Listen Will, I need to go to my mother's and I'm already running late. When Sydney gets home, or if you hear from her, tell her that she is to call me. I don't care what time it is, but I need to talk to her. Tonight. Can you do that for me?"
"Sure," he answers, pausing before continuing. "She's not in any trouble, is she?"
I honestly don't know how to answer this question. "No. At least not the way you mean. She's just upset and I need to know that she's okay. So you'll make sure she calls, right?"
"Yeah, I'll try."
"Thanks, Will."
********
My thoughts are still on Sydney as I pull into my mother's driveway. I had really expected her to have called by now. I try one last time to reach her before I go inside, but she still doesn't answer. And then I do the only thing I can. I call Will back.
This time he answers on the second ring. "Have you heard from her yet?" I ask, not even saying hello.
"No. Nothing. I've even tried calling her. She just isn't answering the phone."
Where the hell are you Sydney? I wonder and then I notice that Will is still talking. "What?"
"I said that she does this sometimes when she gets upset. She'll ignore her phone and just go for a drive. It's her way of escaping."
I know this. Really, I do, but sometimes what the head knows and what the heart knows are completely different. And right now, my heart isn't listening to my head. "Just make sure she calls me."
"As soon as she gets home. Got it."
He stops for a minute and I hear a door open and I'm about to scream for him to put Syd on the phone when I hear him tell Francie he still hasn't heard from her. I lean forward and place my head on the steering wheel.
A few seconds later, Will's back on the phone. "Um, Vaughn," he begins quietly, "don't worry, she'll be okay."
"Yeah." I try to sound like I believe what him, but I'm not convinced. "Will..."
"I know," he replies, exasperated. "Later, okay?"
I hear a click and he's gone. I put the phone in my pocket and grab the envelope from the seat. Getting out of the car, I fold it a couple of times and slip it in my other pocket as I walk up the steps to my mother's house.
I'm about to reach for the door knob when Mom surprises me by holding it open for me.
"I was starting to get worried," she says as she pulls me into a warm, comforting embrace.
Hugging her back, I remind her that I did call to let her know I might be a bit late. I let her go and we walk into the living room and I realize we aren't alone. I think I've taken two steps into the room when Alice comes up behind me, draping her arms around my neck and pulling me back to her.
"Surprised?"
"Yes," I answer, turning around giving her a quick hug and light kiss on her cheek. "Thank you." I hate to say I'm glad that Eric pulls me away immediately after, but I am. Well, maybe glad isn't the right word. Relieved. That's what I am, relieved.
"Hey man, what kept you?"
A quick look tells him everything he needs to know, but I need to keep up appearances for my mother, Alice, and mom's other guests. "I needed to stop by home and feed Donovan. Besides, I wanted to change. Just didn't feel like wearing a suit to what I thought was a family dinner."
Eric feigns a hurt look. "What? I'm not family?"
Leave it to Weiss to make me laugh when it's the last thing I feel like doing. God, I've missed him. Just then, Bill and Tom appear.
"Hey Mike."
"Hey Bill. Tom. What's with the coats? Aren't you staying for dinner?"
"I wish," Bill sighs. "Kendall just paged us. We have to go in."
"Lucky you."
"Tell me about it." Tom looks around guiltily. "How about saving us a couple of pieces of that chocolate thing your mom made for dessert. It's really the only decent thing to do, you know?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll see what I can do."
"Thanks man."
"Yeah, thanks," Bill adds as he put his coat on. "Guess we'll see you tomorrow, right?"
"That's the plan."
I see them out and then return to the living room.
"Come on, let's get a beer," he says with a smile. "Mrs. Vaughn, I hope you don't mind if I steal Mike for a minute, but there is something I just have to tell him."
"Eric, can't it wait for a minute? Mike just got here," Alice asks.
Weiss's hand lands lightly on Alice's shoulder. "Come on, Alice," he whines. "I promise, I'll return him in just a minute or two, but I have to tell him about this nurse..."
At least she has the good sense to give in quickly. "I don't think I want to know," she laughs.
"Neither do I," I hear my mother chime in. "Why don't you go out on the deck and I'll call you in when dinner's ready."
"Thanks, Mom." I follow Weiss to the makeshift bar my mother has set up for the occasion. He grabs two bottles of Rolling Rock and leads me out to the deck. "So what's this about a nurse?" I ask once we are outside.
When he turns to face me, his expression is serious. "What's wrong?"
Where the hell do I start? "It's been a long day."
"My ass. What did Sydney do now?"
I set my beer on the rail and stare out at the ocean. "It's not what you think."
"But it does have something to do with Sydney, right?"
Instead of answering, I pull the envelope from my pocket and hand it to him.
"What's this?"
"Just read it."
It takes him far less time to read than it did me. He puts it back in the envelope and hands it back to me. "What the hell is going on? Why is she doing this?"
I take a long pull of the beer, leaning forward against the rail. How can I make him understand when I'm not entirely sure I do? "She saved my life by handing Sloane over to Sark. Now she thinks... Shit! I don't know what she's thinking."
"She mentioned Alice in there. What's that all about?"
"Syd ran into Alice at the hospital."
"And?"
"And Alice introduced herself as my girlfriend. I hadn't even told Syd that I'd seen her since we broke up."
"So now she thinks that you and Alice..."
"I guess so. I tried to explain it today, but she wouldn't let me. And then as I'm on my way out, Kendall gives me this." I turn to face him. "I've tried calling her, but she won't answer her phone and she's not home."
"Jesus."
I think he just finished the bottle in one swallow. "Tell me about it."
"Wait a minute. How do you know she's not home if she's not answering her phone?"
Now I'm the one who finishes his beer in one long gulp.
"Mike, what did you do?"
"I drove past her house," I answer quietly.
"Did you just say you drove past her house?"
All I do is nod.
"Mike, you didn't."
"I did."
"What the hell were you thinking? Jesus Mike, you could have been followed," he whispers angrily.
Before I can defend my actions my mom pops her head outside, informing us dinner is ready. For once, I'm thankful for my mother's timing. "We'll be right in."
Once she's gone back inside, I wait for Weiss to say whatever else he was going to say, but instead, he just follows my mother, saying nothing.
We've just sat down when my phone starts ringing. I look around apologetically. "I'm sorry, but I'm expecting an important call. I'll be right back." I hurry into the hall, making sure I can't be heard. "Vaughn."
"Um, hi, Vaughn. It's Will."
I lean back against the wall. Breathe, Mike, breathe... "Is... is... is..."
Will saves me from voicing my fears. "She's okay. She just called."
Thank God. "Where is she?"
"She said she just needed to take a drive to clear her head. She'll be back later."
"Did you give her my message?"
"Yeah, I did."
"So why am I talking to you and not her?" I ask a little too sharply.
"Listen, this isn't exactly my idea of a fun evening. I didn't want to do this and the last thing I want is to get caught in the middle of whatever is going on, but she asked me to call you and tell you not to worry. So don't worry."
"I just need to talk to Sydney, so thanks for calling me and letting me know she called. But when she gets home, I don't care what you have to do, you make sure she calls me. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, I think I've got it."
"Will, wait. I'm sorry. I don't mean to take my frustration out on you. It's just that I really need to talk to Sydney. Tonight. It's imperative."
"Listen, I'll do my best, but you should know by now that if Sydney doesn't want to do something, nothing in the world will make her do it."
"I know, but please try."
"I will. As soon as she gets home, I'll try to get her to call."
"Thanks." I put the phone back in my pocket, but I wait a couple of minutes before returning to the dining room. When I do, Weiss looks at me, silently asking about the call. I shake my head as I sit down. I look back at him in time to see him nod his understanding, and then I rejoin the conversation.
I get two more calls during dinner, neither of them from Sydney. I'm still sitting at the table, lingering over coffee, talking with Weiss, and Alice when Mom comes back in muttering about someone down on the beach. Again.
"It's okay, Mom. I'll go down in a minute and ask them to leave."
"Mike, that's okay. You talk to Eric. Gabrielle, I'll go," Alice offers, getting up from the table. "After that dinner, a little bit of exercise will do me some good."
I stand up, trying to get Alice to wait for me. I need to talk to her and now might be the best time. "Alice, give me a minute to get a jacket and I'll go with you. Maybe we can take a walk afterwards."
"Okay, I'll just wait outside."
I nod and head into my old bedroom to grab a jacket. The sweater I'm wearing will be warm enough, but I know Alice. And that slight breeze coming off the ocean will have her shivering in no time. Looking through the closet, I can't find my jacket.
I walk back through the living room, saying goodbye to Bill and Tom, both of whom are getting ready to leave. I find Eric in the kitchen with my mom, helping her clean up, so I know he'll still be here when I come back. "Mom, do you know where I put my jacket?"
"The black one?"
"Yeah."
"You took it home with you the last time you were here."
Shit, that's right. Oh well. Looking around, I don't see Alice on the deck. I poke my head back in the kitchen. "Did either of you see where Alice went?"
"Last time I saw her, she was on the deck, dear."
"Thanks, Mom." I go outside and see that she didn't wait for me after all. She's already on the beach, talking with whoever is down there.
It doesn't take long to reach where they are standing. "There you are," I scold as Alice turns towards me. She comes to my side and wraps her arm around my waist. She leans forward and gives me a quick kiss. "I told you to wait and I'd come down with you."
"It's okay, really. In fact, maybe you can help me here. I'm trying to convince Rita that she should come up and join us, but she seems a bit reluctant."
This is not happening... "Rita?"
Sydney turns around and says something, but right now, nothing is registering. All my brain can register at this moment is that Sydney is standing before me. Alive.
"Oh my God, Mike, are you alright?"
Alright? No, I'm anything but alright. I swallow a couple of times, trying to find my voice. "I'm fine," I answer, hopefully reassuring Alice. Looking back at Sydney, I add, "I just wasn't expecting to see you."
Now I hear Alice making excuses for Sydney and all I want her to do is go back up to the house.
"Well like I told Alice, it wasn't your fault. I mean I've been out of the office so much, what with everything that's been going on."
"I know I don't really know you, and I already asked this, but when I first came down here, you were crying. Is everything ok?"
I'm staring at Syd while Alice is talking. When she says something about the fact that Syd was crying when she first came down, I try to get her to look at me, but she shifts her gaze, apparently preferring her feet to me.
I know she responds to Alice's question, but I'm not really listening. I am trying to figure out how I can make Alice go back up to the house so I can talk to Sydney. Alone. And then I get my chance. Thank you ocean breeze. "Alice, you're shivering. You should go back inside."
Alice has this sweet little laugh. Well, most people find it sweet. I know I did when I first met her, but now? Now it's like fingernails on a chalkboard.
"It is a bit chilly out here."
She leans in and gives me another little kiss, and I'm doing my best not to flinch. There is no way in hell that Sydney is going to believe anything I might try to tell her tonight. Not after this.
She steps away from me and walks over to Sydney. "It was really good seeing you again." And then Alice hugs her.
Jesus, I've dreamed of hugging her. I mean, I have hugged her. Twice in fact. But never has it been just because I wanted to. Those two hugs, wonderful as they were, only happened because Syd needed reassuring. She needed to be comforted. And all it did was make me want more.
I've zoned out for a minute while thinking of this. The only thing that brings me back is Alice kissing me again before she heads back up to the house. And then she turns back to Syd. Jesus! Just leave already...
"I really do hope everything turns out okay for you," Alice states before finally going back up to the house.
I've decided I'm going to let Sydney go first, so I wait. And so does she. I'm about to change my mind about letting her go first when she finally begins to speak.
"I'm so sorry. I had no idea..."
Wrong! "Don't you EVER do that again!" I scream at her, no longer able to contain my anger.
"Listen, Vaughn, I'm sorry. I just went for a drive and found myself at the beach. I just started walking. I had no idea this was a private beach. I certainly didn't know this is where your mother lived."
"Damn it Syd! I'm not talking about this," I answer, my anger evident.
"What are you talking about then?"
How the hell can she not know what has me so upset? "I'm talking about this." I shove my hand in my pocket, grabbing her damned envelope. She still has the nerve to appear confused until I shove the paper into her hand. "God damn it, Syd. You won't let me explain, then you walk off, and when you leave, you have someone deliver this fucking note to me? And then you won't answer your phone. Jesus! I thought something had happened to you."
I walk away from her, needing the space to try and regain control of my emotions. I've been told that when I'm upset, I have a habit of running my hand through my hair. I'm just hoping I won't be bald in the morning.
"Vaughn, I..."
She's followed me. I turn to face her. "No, I don't want to hear it right now. I want to know why you did this."
"I just wanted to make it easier for you."
I can't help staring at her. How could she think... "Easier? Dying would be easier than making the choice you offered me in that damned note."
I see her glance up towards the house. I suppose I should be concerned about being watched, but honestly? I don't give a shit who sees this. I really don't. Arvin Sloane himself could walk up right now and I'd just tell him to fuck off.
"But I just thought..."
When will she realize that when she starts talking, she just makes it worse? "Yeah, I know what you thought. And you are wrong. And if you'd let me explain, maybe you'd understand."
I can see the tears building in her eyes. I know I shouldn't be so hard on her, but damn it! Why does she have always have to play the martyr?
"I don't want you to explain. I just want you to know that if you ever need to take me up on my offer, I'll understand."
I swear, my blood pressure just hit two hundred. How can she still not understand? I must be scaring her because she's reaching for my arm. I just turn away from her, choosing to stare out at the ocean. And it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
I'm not sure how much time passes, but after a few minutes, her silence is beginning to scare me. When I do turn back to face her, she isn't there. She hasn't gone far, but it's far enough that she can't hear me when I tell her I'll see her tomorrow.
She must have heard something I've said because she stops walking. This gives me time to close the gap between us. The physical one at least.
"What?"
I stand behind her, waiting for her to turn around. I want to see her face when I repeat what I said. I don't have to wait long. "I said I'll see you tomorrow."
She doesn't say anything. She doesn't have to. She just nods, turns, and walks away.
I watch as she leaves, not moving until I can no longer see her. Only then do I turn to stare out at the ocean once more. Explanations will just have to wait.