Title: When Harry Left Severus
rating: R for adult themes including male/male relationships.
Chapter 3 - Explanations & Confessions
by: Raven Dancer
disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling except for the Drs. Barnes, Daniel Murphy and Beryl. I receive no monetary compensation for these works.
**** ~ ****
Black woke to the twinkling blue eyes of Albus Dumbledore looking down at him. It was quite an eerie feeling; he'd had no warning whatsoever and jerked upright wondering if the wards had been compromised.
Severus's wards always allow me through. Dobby is making
some tea, Dumbledore said with a satisfied grin.
Do you always know what I'm thinking? Black groaned.
Not always. Seeing you in bed with Severus curled tightly
in your arms has me a bit confused, the Headmaster admitted.
Although Remus snugged up close behind doesn't surprise
me at all.
Black glanced at his companions.
To be honest, Albus, it confuses me, too. But I am not upset
by it, the Animagus admitted.
He is sick, more than a little sad and I can't say that I blame
him at all. Hearing voices Lupin stretched and opened his eyes.
Good morning Remus, Dumbledore said warmly. The waking man smiled.
Hullo Albus! Severus will be pleased to see you, Lupin yawned.
Dumbledore sat near the bed and spoke quietly waiting to see if Snape would wake on his own. After nearly ten minutes Black grimaced.
Maybe you could hold Sev? My bladder is demanding attention, the animagus admitted sheepishly.
I would love to, Dumbledore grinned and immediately levitated his sleeping friend and his covers. A Second charm transfigured the chair to hold the two of them together.
Go on and get your day going gentlemen. I'll watch over
Severus for the time being.
Dumbledore happily arranged Snape comfortably against him. He'd done this scores of times over their long friendship when the Potions Master had returned injured or had become ill. He'd even managed to curl up with the wizard for no reason at all on a few occasions.
Slowly he ran his fingers through unruly hair. It had grown longer during his convalescence and less greasy since he wasn't brewing many potions. Snape twitched beneath his touch.
Severus? Child? Dumbledore called to him gently. The wizard called stretched and sighed before opening his eyes.
Snape responded in hopeful, longing voice.
Of course, child, Albus responded kissing Snape's forehead affectionately.
Snape began happily. I'm sorry I pulled you away
from your work, Albus, but I'm very glad you're here. Dumbledore continued to run a soothing hand over the Potions Master's back spreading warmth in the wake.
Severus! You never pull me away from anything! You know I
love being right here. Minerva needs to take over more of
the Headmaster's duties. It's all hers next fall, Dumbledore replied with a small grin.
Then I get to come bother you all the time. Snape stilled.
I though you were going to live at your cottage or the beach
house, he said hesitantly. Dumbledore chuckled.
I don't know exactly where we'll be, Severus, but I won't be
able to live alone. I am a social creature, used to having lots
of people around, he resumed carding Snape's hair.
I have been hoping that you'll let me live with you. I want to
sell my cottage. Although I'll keep the beach house. You like
it there, don't you? Snape wriggled with waking excitement.
Oh, yes! I love your beach house, the Potions Master said with growing hope. Not to be alone. To have Albus with him.
Then the tears started. Dumbledore expected them and simply pulled his friend a little closer, below his chin and cuddled him.
You know I've always loved you, my child. I have planned for
years to retire with you even if you were still working at
Hogwarts. You are my family, the older wizard admitted. Which caused Snape's tears to flow a little faster.
I, I guess I've always known deep inside you cared for me. I
care for you so much. I've... I've been afraid of being alone
lately, he confessed very quietly.
Remus and Sirius like living with you, Dumbledore pointed out.
They might like to share a home with us.
They feel pity. It has been very hard wanting their presence,
their voices if not their touch. I have so many memories of Remus...
But I want them to go join Harry where they'll be happy, Snape admitted. Dumbledore considered all he'd seen the past year.
It's not pity, child. I know Remus still loves you. Sirius has
watched you and has discovered you really aren't evil and in
fact are a worthy person, Dumbledore pointed out. Snape sighed and shut his eyes.
I still love Remus. It's, it's been very hard to be around him,
Albus. I have to control myself, he began.
You've been using potions or charms? the Headmaster asked quickly, knowing exactly what Snape meant.
Can't brew much but that charm works. I used it sometimes when
I was with Harry. I never wanted to hurt him but I'd find myself
wanting Remus, and, and I'd, Snape tried to explain.
and you'd transfer your desire for Remus to Harry. I understand,
Severus. You knew you couldn't keep Harry, Albus said quietly.
I love Harry, but not as a mate. He needs to be out in the world.
The world needs him out there, too. If he'd stayed with me he
would never be the wizard he has the potential to become, Snape sighed.
I want Remie around, but I also want him to go away with Sirius
and be happy. I only cause friction. When I hear them argue it's
always about me.
You still want Remus? Dumbledore asked gently.
he admitted.
the Headmaster probed a bit.
Harry was just a moment of desperate passion at a horrible
place in time. It seemed like love, passionate and exciting, Snape stumbled over his confession.
I really do love him, but not as a mate. Once we were separated
I knew he'd find other friends, lovers. He's a very charismatic
person.
It was good you sheltered him, Severus. Harry would have been
eaten alive by the media and the wizarding world after
Voldemort's death, Dumbledore pointed out.
Well, I suppose. Although it also kept me from being alone. Ever
since that night, Snape shuddered at the memory of the final battle.
I have not been able to care for myself.
You will come back to Hogwarts when Sirius and Remus leave, the older wizard said soothingly. This elicited a small smile as Snape settled more comfortably against his mentor.
Thank you, Albus. I love Harry, but not as a spouse or lover. I
was a little sad, but mostly happy to see him go off to France.
No, the difficulty in letting Harry go is that Remus will be gone
soon. Again, tears threatened once more.
I'm sorry Severus, Albus said gently, knowing there was no way to compensate for that pain.
Don't be. Remus needs to be with Sirius. They are mates, I
understand that. But, and his voice dropped slightly, But I
still love him, want him. It is exquisite torture being with Remus
every day and not be able to touch him. When he touches me
I... I can't...
A sniffle rose from the Potions Master as his voice abandoned him for the moment. Dumbledore's comforting hands ran over his back.
The damned thing is I'm so happy for him and Sirius to have one
another after all those years, but it hurts, too. I, I lost a part of
my heart when Remie left and I never found it again, Snape said. He looked up at his mentor and studied his face, a shaky hand came up from the blankets to touch the older wizard's cheek.
I'm so pleased that you want to stay with me. It is more than
I dared dream for. I thought that I'd be alone soon. It has been
crushing me, thinking of being alone, a last confession.
Child, I am delighted you want me to be around. When Remus and
Sirius go you will come to Hogwarts for awhile. You can organize
some of my books and papers for my move, Dumbledore said.
It would help me immensely. Plus his child wouldn't be alone.
Snape curled closer, too overwhelmed to speak. Albus had always loved him, even when he wasn't lovable at all.
A movement at the door suddenly caught Dumbledore's attention and he realized that they'd had an audience; someone had been listening and he wondered how much had been heard. He decided it didn't really matter as neither Black or Lupin would tease Snape. Maybe it would help they understand they needed to move on and let Snape alone. With a sigh he wrapped himself tightly around his child and rock slowly.
A thoroughly shocked Black and stunned Lupin retreated to the kitchen ostensibly to check on breakfast. They moved in silence, both feeling various levels of confusion and shame.
Remie? You never said anything about... Black started not knowing how to ask.
You knew we were lovers while you were in Azkaban, Lupin said in tired voice.
Yes, but he still loves you, Black replied tentatively. Lupin looked sick at heart.
I didn't know. He's always been good at hiding his feelings, Lupin reported. He sank down at the kitchen table. Black sat immediately next to him and pulled close, reaching for his hand.
You, you never told me how you came to be with Severus, the animagus prodded gently.
I couldn't tell you because you were jealous. You never liked
Severus and when we first got back together any mention of him
sent you into an angry fit, Lupin pointed out. Black digested this.
Yes, it did. But over the last few years you've gotten across
to me that Severus isn't the greasy bastard I'd hated. During the
past year with Voldemort's death and the long convalescence I've
seen for myself that he isn't a monster. He does have a sarcastic
streak a mile wide and he's very, very private. He certainly does
not like to be touched... Black mused. That certainly could be explained if Snape still loved Lupin. The contact would be difficult to bear.
I still love him. I still dream of him, Lupin admitted quietly. Black wasn't surprised. He just stroked his mate's hand gently.
How did you two ever get together? Black asked curiously. Lupin drew in a deep breath.
It wasn't an easy beginning to say the least, Lupin sighed. He glanced at his mate questioningly.
How much do you really want to know?
As much as you'll share, Black responded immediately. Lupin nodded.
Then let's have Dobby make tea and breakfast for us, Lupin said. The elf happily took their orders and got to work heating a skillet.
You have to understand, it was very confusing and emotionally
crushing when Voldemort fell the first time, Lupin began, turning to face Black. He wanted to be able to read the body language and facial expression of his mate as he spoke.
I was at James and Lily's house after they died. Albus asked me
to look through their papers before turning the house over to
their families. There were some sensitive parchments from the
war were still there, Lupin said.
Albus couldn't help, he was at the ministry. I found out later he
was getting Severus out of Azkaban.
Black shuddered at the memories of the cold cell. Lupin stroked his face.
He was there about a week. The ministry extracted promises
from Albus to contain Severus, keep him at Hogwarts year-round
for a few years. Albus agreed to everything just to get
him out of that forsaken place, Lupin stopped at looked at his mate.
gods, Siri, if we'd known we'd have come for you. You can't
begin to believe how crushed Severus was when he found that
Pettigrew was alive. Black gathered Lupin into his arms and held the now crying werewolf.
It's ok, Remie. I'm free. It's because of you I'm here and
healthy once more, Black soothed. Lupin relaxed then pulled back as Dobby set out tea mugs and a hot pot of earl gray tea on the table. Black poured out two mugs and added sugar to both then added a splash of milk to Lupin's.
Well, I came back to Hogwarts the same day Albus made it back
with Sev. They hadn't just left him to the dementors: they'd
managed to break ribs and his arm. There was nothing gentle
about his week. I ended up helping clean and heal him. Then I
sat with him for weeks because Albus was in and out. He had
the worst nightmares, Lupin shuddered at the memory.
So Albus threw you two together then, Black commented.
Yes. Albus knew that I was devastated; I lost all my closest
friends and you, my mate. Severus, for all he'd done for the
ministry, all the spying, was treated worse than many of the
other death eaters, Lupin said.
I was locked away but no one beat me, Black said with a shudder.
Anyway, after a few months we discovered we could work
together, could even enjoy one another. Sev researched and
found the wolf's bane potion and before the year was up he'd
made a working solution. I was so thrilled that I was no longer
dangerous I threw myself on him. We wrestled around on Albus'
study floor and then he kissed me, Lupin blushed slightly at the memory.
Then... well, let's say Albus decided he should go for a walk on
the school grounds after locking the door securely,
So then you lived happily ever after? Black teased.
With Severus? he snorted as he shook his head with a smile.
We were happy with each other. We certainly fit together well.
In fact, he brought me out to his manor and let me have free reign
over the gardens and most of the house. I couldn't live at the
school, but we were together most weekends and holidays. Albus
came out often, too. Life was peaceful, happy, until Quirrel came
and with him Voldemort.
Momentarily lost in thought Black began dishing up omelet and bacon for himself and Lupin. The smell of food brought the werewolf back to the present.
We didn't see each other as much. Albus had me working, some
research, a little spying. But we still loved each other through
all the twists and turns. Then you came back, Lupin rubbed his face.
He didn't take the shrieking shack too well, did he? Black asked lightly.
Not at first. Severus felt so betrayed. He was absolutely
furious. And he wouldn't let even Albus near him. He certainly
threatened me. Albus literally bound him to a chair before he'd
listen to him. I took veritaserum and answered every question he
asked me. All of them. I couldn't blame him; I was in absolute
shock Peter was alive and you were innocent. That was the last
night we made love. The next day Albus woke us early and we
decided I should go and be with you. Severus pulled on his
coldest mask and went down to the dungeons to spread the
word I was a werewolf. The rest I think you know, Lupin concluded, fork pushing eggs around.
Everything except this. Remus, do you love him? Do you want
him? I can go... Black said carefully, his own heart hurting. The response was immediate. Lupin dropped his fork and dove for his mate.
NO! NO! gods Sirius, I love you! You are my mate! he tore out.
But Severus? Black held him close.
I, I don't want to lose him, either. I didn't know he still loved
me. I, I love him too, Lupin sobbed.
Well, Black mused, this was shaping up to be a very tangled mess all around. Worse yet, he couldn't think of any reason to leave. He should feel threatened that his mate was attracted to Snape. But he couldn't. The jealousy died without a flicker. The Potions Master had been honorable straight down the line.
And he deserved happiness just as much as Black did.
Remie, let's just let it rest awhile. I'm not in any great hurry to
move to France, Black said.
But, but you heard Severus. It hurts him being so close to me, Lupin whined.
Let it rest. We know how he feels now, don't we? Black asked very patiently.
And we know you still love him, too. Heck, I think I don't hate
him at all and the thought of you loving him doesn't upset me. Lupin pulled back and looked at his mate wide-eyed.
It doesn't? the werewolf quivered.
No. Of course, I also don't want to go in there and proclaim my
undying love either. Let it rest. Give us all some time. You and
I will take care of Severus until he's on even footing and then
explore the questions again, Black gently kissed his mate who responded with gratitude. Finally they settled back into their chairs and looked over their cooling breakfast.
A few minutes later Dumbledore appeared with a rather sick Potions Master leaning on his shoulder. Black was up and to the door quickly giving his considerable support.
Thanks Sirius, Snape murmured.
You're warm again. Remus? I think we need another fever
draught, Black's request sent Lupin scurrying out to the bedroom.
Breakfast was quiet, but at least companionable. Snape ate lightly, drank his potion, and was returned to bed to sleep. Dumbledore sat near reading a thick book. Black and Lupin went outside to work in the vegetable garden.
We're going to have to speak with Albus, Black said as he wiped the sweat off his forehead.
Let him know we want to stay to care for Severus.
He's going to be very protective Seri, he always has been, Lupin replied.
Let me take care of it dear heart, Black hugged his very sweaty mate. Lupin took advantage of the closeness to kiss then nibble the animagus' lips. The ensuing activity neither helped nor harmed the garden. Although Black and Lupin both agreed afterwards they should have moved into the shade. As it was Dr. James could not suppress his laughter when he asked for an explanation of how they both got sunburned in several interesting places.
True Gryffindor that he was Black not only convinced Dumbledore they wanted to stay and be with Snape, he received the older wizard's blessings. The merry twinkle in the older wizard's eyes caused the animagus to blush.
Quit reading my mind! he growled.
Dumbledore smirked. Then chuckled. The Headmaster returned to Hogwarts in a much better mood.