Name/Alias: FoolForSpike
Disclaimer: The characters of BTVS belong to Joss and Mutant Enemy only. The events and ideas in this story do not reflect the ideas of Joss, the writers, or the cast members of BTVS in any way. Thank you.
Rating: pg-13 for violence, mild language, and mild sexual themes (woo hoo!).
Summary: Post "Grave". Yes. Another one. But we love it don't we? After the events that occurred in the season 6 finale "Grave," Buffy, Spike, and the rest of the Scoobies attempt to pick up the pieces of their lives, and understand where they fit in. Third person POV. Drama/Angst/Romance (B/S).
Feed Back: YES PLEASE!!!! Tell me what you think! AmorFati323@cs.com
Author's note: Any similarities that exist between my story and the actual season 7 of Buffy are purely coincidental. About three quarters of this fan fiction was written before the season premier. Joss's and the BTVS writers' ideas belong to them as mine belong to me, and any common ground you find in here just happens to be my good luck J
Morning Brings A New Day
1. Home, Or Something Like It
Spike sat in the corner of his crypt, huddled into a ball, with his dirt-smeared for head pressed up against the cold marble. Darkness surrounded him. Every crevice of the crypt was engulfed in it, and he wanted it to fill him too, once again, as it did what seemed like ages ago. As thick and heavy as this darkness was, inside he was filled with a strange, expanding, tangled light. It was a tricky thing really. It crept up on him slowly, instead of washing over him like an inevitable sea wave, as he had imagined.
"Like a bloody disease!" he hissed to no one. "Get it out. Got to get it out!!" Tears peaked from the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill over as visible proof of his torture, but he forced them back. He had tried so hard, so very hard, to fight it, to keep it from spreading, but it was much stronger than he'd remembered. He no longer knew who he was. If he had been confused about his identity before the little expedition, and he most certainly had been, it had done little to clear things up. He was suddenly more a stranger to himself then he'd ever been. The feelings wormed their way into him, and the tears burst their way through finally, as if to mock the futility of his resistance efforts. "It wasn't supposed to BE this way…" he grumbled. It's too hard…too hard…it was s'posed to get easy again..." Spike wiped his eyes dry furiously and began to rise to his feet when he heard a knock on the crypt door. He sat silent for a moment, not knowing what to do, or what to say. His evolution from pure evil, to whatever he had been only a week or so ago was drastic, but at least it had been gradual, and he was, for the most part, able to adjust. This new transformation however, was sudden and fierce, and his attempts to cope were threatening his sanity. Buffy opened the door slowly, and peaked in at Spike's shaking, disheveled figure.
"Spike?" she called boldly.
Suddenly he was ashamed, and he whipped his head around to face the opposing wall so she would not see the tears that reeked of humanity. To a vampire, being human means to be inadequate and lacking. With humanity comes emotional responsibility and morality, and these things are weakness of character in the eyes of a vampire. Some small, and illogical part of him feared she would think even less of him if she discovered what had happened.
"Spike?" She called again, walking in slowly and shutting the door behind her. "Clem said you were back…" Buffy didn't know what she was doing there. She didn't want to see him, and she didn't know if she could even handle being in his presence, but as she patrolled the cemetery, her body had somehow found its way inside his crypt, as if it were magnetically drawn there. Also, what Clem had said about Spike's rantings of the chip, and his intentions of "changing things" unnerved her. If Spike had turned around he would have seen the stake she held hidden, pressed against her hip, and the glint of fear in her eyes. Not fear of him, but fear of what she would have to do to him if what Clem had told her was true. Granted, his actions before he went away had left him far from being in her good graces to say the very least, but it was more complicated than that. A part of her empathized with the internal war of good, love, and evil that had been raging within him for 2 years, and she could never ignore or forget the relationship they'd shared for the past year, twisted as it had been. Spike did mean something to her, in a distorted and unhealthy way, yes, but he still meant something. She certainly didn't like that fact, but there was little she could do to change how she felt. Despite all the pain they had caused each other, she didn't want to destroy him. "Spike where have you been??" Buffy asked raising her voice sternly in hopes of quelling her own fears with the sounds of confidence and strength.
"I went…away...for a bit…is that a bloody crime?" Spike choked out into the hands that covered his face.
"Where did you go?" she asked curiously, suddenly noticing that his whole body was shaking subtly, like tiny tremors running up and down his spine.
"I went to change things."
A thousand thoughts ran through Buffy's mind all at once: "He did get the chip out then? Why hasn't he killed anyone? Maybe he couldn't get it out. Maybe this is a trap. Maybe he is messing with my head. You have to be strong."
"Change things how exactly?" was all she managed to get out, tightening her lips with resolve and stepping further into the dark and musty structure. She grasped the stake tighter to keep her hand from shaking, angry that her nerves were getting the best of her.
"I wanted to be what I was before…before that buggering metal THING!" he cried, ranting more to him self than to Buffy. "Bloody chip ruined me!! Made me less than what I was! And now…this thing is in me…and it won't bloody stop!" he raged, rising suddenly and hauling a burnt out candle into his television. The screen smashed, and glass pieces flew to ricochet against the stonewalls, landing scattered about the cement floor. Buffy flinched, but moved closer still, surveying his ragged appearance with even more alarm.
"Spike what the hell is going on?! Clem told me you went to get the chip out…is that true?" she asked, no longer hiding her weapon, but hiding the waver in her voice just as well.
"Yeah…'s what I told him…wanker double-crossed me though" Spike replied, shaking his head in resignation.
Buffy sensed something creeping from the back of her mind. She couldn't seem to place it, but it came closer to surfacing the more he spoke. Something was very different about him; altered, like in a dream where an object looks exactly the same as it has always been, but yet off somehow. His swagger was gone, and a strange humbleness so unlike his personality replaced it. Spike sank to his knees and laid the back of his head against the cool wall. The summer sun was beginning to rise, and though the crypt was, for the most part, sunlight guarded, the sense of dead night was draining, and a fresh morning could be felt, warm and thick like lazy syrup.
"I never stopped loving you…not for a second." he spoke softly, looking down. "I didn't…what I done to you…before I left…I couldn't believe it was me doin' it, and it hurt so bad … so I went to this bloke for help. I just wanted the pain to stop, and now… it's worse than before…the lit'l light in me shines round and round…'s constant…bloody unbearable!!" he cried, shutting his eyes and banging his head against the wall with a sickening thud. "I don't remember it bein this bad…" a laugh. "It's been a looong time since…" Suddenly the thing gnawing at the back of Buffy's mind slammed into her consciousness with full force, and she could not believe it.
"Light…" she said, shaking her head almost imperceptibly "Your soul…he gave you back your soul…?" She trailed off. The stake she was holding suddenly fell to the floor with a clink, and rolled off into some shadowy corner the morning light had not yet filled. Spike nodded subtly, his face contorted by another wave of emotional anguish. "Oh God…oh my God." She cried. For the first time in 6 years as a slayer, Buffy Summers hadn't the slightest idea what to do. An intense feeling of disorientation paralyzed her suddenly, like someone had plucked her from familiarity and dropped her on some foreign planet where everything that applied in her world meant nothing. She had dealt with a vampire losing and gaining his soul before, but this was different. This was Spike. Just Spike. He was a vampire with a chip in his head, and she never anticipated him being anything other than that. She didn't know what to think, how to feel, or what to say. The sensation was much akin to that of being thrown under water, and experiencing that initial second of panic when you don't know which way is which.
"I dunno how you do it…" Spike said breaking the silence.
"Do what?" Buffy replied in a shock-endued daze.
"Live…like this." He replied, looking to the side of him. "Everything hurts…I hurt before…but this is…raw. I never felt anything like it…like comin' back from the dead. I remember…everything…everything I been tryin' to forget for the last 200 years…It's William...and then me…but I'm William too…" he finished, looking, completely lost, down between his bent knees at an invisible spot on the floor.
Buffy suddenly realized the familiarity of the situation, remembering her own climb from the perfect, simple, world of the dead, back into the harsh and grating world of responsibility. "It hurts…" She spoke evenly. "It hurts really bad at first. There are a lot of…bad feelings to deal with in our world…so much harshness…but it gets better. You get used to it, and in time you own it again. You finally understand why it's worth all the pain to be here. I did… and you will too. It's just…gonna take some time…" Her words were steady and sincere, but they were not warm or sympathetic by any stretch of the imagination. He took them to heart nonetheless, and was touched, closing his eyes in an attempt to shut out the reality of what was happening to him. "I gotta go." Buffy said neutrally, letting none of her anger or confusion show through. She opened her mouth slightly as if to say something further, but then, deciding against it, turned and walked out, shutting the door gently behind her.