Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. Nor do I own Gwaihir the Windlord. But I
made up practically all the other characters in this fic.
Also, nothing in this chapter was derived from anybody else's fics. Any relation is purely coincidental. Please do not sue me. I need the money to see TTT as many times as possible.
And to The Dishwasher: The reason she's known as 'The Loser' is because a girl who'd been forced to listen to my Tolkien lectures at summer camp was the one who suggested the name. It just seemed suitable.
****************
"Louis, would you mind taking the bus down to Seaside Bank and cashing in this check?"
"Okay Grandma, sure."
~~~~~
*Twenty Minutes Later*
Whose bright idea was it to build a bank right next to a tall, steep, seaside cliff with jagged rocks at the bottom?! Louis P. Daisy thought miserably.
His entire body was currently being squashed against a glass wall by a panicked, overweight woman in dire need of a breath mint.
The reason for the squashing was simple enough: Seaside Banks was being robbed.
And the customers had been told by the bank robber to stand against the *glass* wall and shut up.
Louis, being the short, scrawny pre-teen that he was, had immediatly been shoved and pinned to the wall by the massive rush of people. They had been quite eager to obey the robber's orders, seeing as he weilded a machine gun.
But this wasn't an ordinary bank robber. Louis was sure of it. The guy really didn't need the gun to scare people. He was a certified lunatic.
"Okay, fill those bags up straightaway, Missie!" The lunatic shouted at the teller. "And I mean it! Harry Potter married Voldemort, Carrie White became a devout Buddhist, and the Watership Down bunny rabbits were all sold in a pet shop! Keep the money coming! And all of you over there keep quiet!!!!!!!!!"
Oh, yeah. This guy was definetly missing a few cards in his deck. Forget robbing a bank wearing a purple business suit, a red tie and a bright yellow ski mask. Who in their right mind would spew out such idiotic plotlines while demanding cash?!
Louis could hear frightened whispers coming from somewhere to his left. He rolled his eyes and wished for the love of God they would shut up before the lunatic hear--
"Hey! I said KEEP IT DOWN OVER THERE!"
The lunatic raised his machine gun, and rapidly fired it over the heads of the whisperers. There were several screams, then loud cracking noises as the bullets punctured numerous holes though the glass wall.
Louis watched as a thin crack slowly made its way down from a bullet hole, and snaked right past his eye.
Uh-oh Was all Louis had time to think before the glass wall abruptly snapped and exploded into a million shards.
Cut and bleeding, Louis plummeted towards the jagged rocks below. Screaming bloody murder, he squeezed his eyes shut and prayed for a quick death...
Suddenly, Louis felt his fall being broken by a hard, but slightly poofy surface. The twelve-year-old boy's arm was immediatly grasped in a tight hold, preventing him from sliding off the poofy surface.
Opening his eyes, Louis looked around in openmouthed shock.
He was laying on the back of what appeared to be a giant brown eagle. The rider of the eagle was the one gripping his arm.
At first glance, Louis thought the rider was a wizard. But upon noting the two braided pigtails that hung down the rider's back, Louis realized it was a girl. A girl wearing a blue wizard's hat on her head.
The girl turned. Seeing his wide-eyed expression, she grinned happily.
"You alright?" She shouted, her voice loud yet comforting in the blowing wind. "Gwaihir's gonna take us around, okay?"
Gwaihir?! Louis' eyes widened even more. As in 'Gwaihir the Windlord?' From Lord of the Rings? There's no way...!
But there apparently was a way, because that's who Louis was lying on.
True to the girl's word, Gwaihir made a lazy u-turn and swooped back towards the bank, aiming straight for the shattered wall.
With a violent jerk, the giant eagle pulled up just short of crashing headfirst into the shattered glass pane. Gwaihir quickly twisted around and slammed sideways into it.
Louis was pulled to his feet as the girl jumped up atop the eagle. Running across Gwaihir's back and jumping over his head, the girl dragged Louis through the gaping hole in the glass and back into the bank.
The lunatic, like everyone else in the bank, was momentarily stunned at the arrival of the giant eagle. The girl used the distraction to run up to the lunatic, snatch the machine gun from his hands and hurl it out the broken window.
Wrenching his arm from the girl's hold, Louis fell to the floor, kissing the moldy blue carpet with relief. He was alive!
"Suilad, villanous freak! How dare you attempt a bank robbery, and allow an innocent boy to plummet to his death?!"
Louis paused mid-kiss and lifted his face from the carpet.
The girl was facing the insane bank robber, her hands on her hips.
And Louis duly noted that her outfit was just about as weird the lunatic's. In addition to the hat, she wore a green cape and a pair of brown pants that were obviously *way* too short for her.
Also, she wore no shoes. And there was a really big, fat book tucked under her arm.
She looked impatient as she waited for the lunatic to respond.
"Sooy-lad? Is that some type of Chinese food?" The lunatic giggled happily. "Speak first, my little pixie! Who are *you*?"
"I'm no pixie!" The girl exclaimed angrily. "I am The Loser. I am a Superhero. You are a bad guy, and I am here to stop you!"
The lunatic grinned insanely.
"So, a Superhero is it?" He said. "How amusing! What lovely identities they're thinking up these days! Do you plan to marry Legolas?"
"What?! Absolutly not!" The Loser cried. "He never marries. He sails off with Gimli to the Undying Lands after King Elessar's death. Year 120 of the Fourth Age, I believe."
The lunatic's insane grin immediatly vanished from his face. It was replaced by a nasty leer.
"Ah, so you think you can drive me insane with your knowledge?" He hissed. "I have heard of you before, Loser, and I know of your deeds! But do not think you can best me so easily! For I am the Non-Canonable Mr. Mezz, and in me, you may find you have bitten of FAR more than you can chew!!!"
"I beg to differ, Non-Canonable." The Loser smiled grimly. "Just watch and listen!"
Quick as a flash, Loser flipped open the huge book.
"'It was Gil-Galad, Elven King and Elendil of Westernesse who overthrew Sauron, though they themselves perished in the deed; and Isildur Elendil's son cut the Ring from Sauron's hand and took it for his own.'" The Superhero girl announced in a loud, clear voice.
Loser's eyes bored holes through Non-Canonable as she spoke.
"Let's start from that, shall we? Now, Sauron did not fully perish when Isildur fought him on the slopes of Amon Amarth--Mount Doom, that is-- because the One Ring was not destroyed. Isildur was affected by its powers and chose to keep the Ring, but due to unlucky circumstances, The King's troop was attacked by Orcs when he was headed to Rivendell. Isildur was shot to death by arrows, due to the treatchery of the One Ring. But going back on topic, Sauron's spirit remained and soon he grew in strength and gathered evil forces to him--"
"Was his son included in the evil forces?" Non-Canonable's voice was sickeningly sweet.
"Son?!" Loser scoffed. "What are you talking about? The Dark Lord Sauron had no son!"
"Of course he did!" The lunatic in the purple suit replied cheerily. "Sauron married a beautiful elf-maiden, and they had a son with hair as dark as raven feathers, and eyes as fiery as flames..."
"Excuse me?!" The Loser shreiked. "'Fiery as flames'? That's not even proper writing! Sauron was a Maia, and Morgoth Bauglir's former right-hand man. He has no children!"
"Ah!" Non-Canonable smirked. "Now do you finally understand the extent of my powers?!"
"You have no powers." Loser said. "Your rediculous lies offer no true threat."
"You lie!"
"You're right." The Loser drew a shaky breath. "I do lie. Plotlines like yours can drive a person over the edge, just as easily as my multiple and complicated truths can. But I'll be damned if you manage to beat me! Let's see who drives the other to insanity first!"
"Ooh-wee!" Non-Canonable giggled and clapped his hands. "What fun!"
"What fun indeed." The Loser remarked dryly. "What are you going to say next, hm? That elves work at the North Pole?"
"Of course not! They live in Lothlorien, where all the trees are pink in summertime!"
"P-PINK?!" Loser had gone white in the face.
"Yes, pink!" Non-canonable said. "And it is there where Legolas' mother is forced into marriage with King Thrandy, or whateverhisnameis. And that is why Legolas hates wood-elves..."
"Legolas *is* a wood-elf, you moron!" Loser said, rolling her eyes. "Or to be more specific, he's a Sylvan elf. One of the Moriquendi. Ever heard of those? They're the elves that never saw the light of the Two Trees, and never went to Valinor. The Mirkwood elves are most likely descendants of the Laiquendi, the green-elves that lived in Ossiriand before Beleriand was utterly destoyed--"
"Legolas gets married to Aragorn's neice's uncle's grandfather's counsin's former roommate and has triplets!"
"NO! Oh, I'll stop you yet! Vanyar light-elves, Noldor deep-elves, Teleri sea-elves, their leaders were Ingwe, Finwe, Elwe then Olwe because of Elwe meeting Melian..."
"Oh yes!" Non-Canonable exclaimed. "I know of Melian! She's the one who's married to that dope addict Tom Bombadil, right?"
"Why you...!"
Louis lay there on the carpet, utterly stunned by what he was witnessing.
It was obvious that Loser's knowledge of Middle-earth could prove dangerous, if used unwisely. Although he had read the Lord of The Rings Trilogy less than a year ago, Louis could sense his brain malfunctioning every time The Loser began to spew out large amounts of information with no end in sight. Louis was sure the other people in the bank felt it too.
If The Loser hadn't been focusing her powers *directly* at the Non- Canonable Mr. Mezz, everyone else in the room would have gone totally bonkers a long time ago.
"The dwarves were created by Aule." The Loser continued, deciding to switch to a completly different subject. "Because the Smith-god of the Valar was too impatient to wait for the coming of the Eldar, and therefore attempted to fashion them himself, but did not succeed--"
"D-dwarves! Th-the ugly miners! Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to w-work they g- go..."
"Hah! You're weakening! I c-can tell!"
"So are you, you little wizard-hatted upstart!"
"Ori and N-nori and Dori and Bifur and Bofur and Bombur and Balin and Dwalin and Oin and Gloin and Fili and Kili and Thorin Oakensheild who is descended from Thrain from Thror!"
"Shut up! Those thirteen dweebs all sailed down the Anduin, and opened a beach resort in Gondor!"
"Wrong! Fili, Kili and Thorin died in the Battle of Five Armies, Balin and Ori and Oin died in Moria later on..."
"STOP!!!!" Non-Canonable screamed. He was visibly sweating beneath his suit and ski mask. He bent over double, clutching his head in pain.
"H-had enough?" Loser demanded, swaying a little herself. That last remark about dwarves and beach resorts had really gotten to her.
Non-Canonable's head snapped up. He glared daggers at the girl ten feet away from him.
"You may have won this battle, Loser!" He screamed. "But I *will* win the war! I'll be back, mark my words!"
Abandoning the bags of money that had been filled up at his order, he sumbled out of Seaside Bank as fast as his legs could carry him.
The Loser paused. For a moment, she looked like she was going to chase after Non-Canonable. Then, face pale, she keeled over backwards and hit the floor with a loud *thump*.
Chaos exploded. The bank customers ran helter skelter, while one of the tellers yelled for someone to call the police.
Scrambling to his feet, Louis crawled over to Loser and shook her shoulder. She didn't move, althought the big fat book remained tightly clutched in her hand. Even when unconcious, she wouldn't let go of it.
"Boy! Get her over here, quickly!"
The deep rough voice seemed to reverberate in the air, and Louis' head shot up. Gawihir was just outside the broken glass wall, flapping his wings in an effort to stay in the same place.
"Don't goggle, human! Bring her to the window, now!"
Police sirens could be heard from outside. Grunting, Louis grabbed Loser under the armpits and hauled her across the floor towards the glass wall.
Raising his talons, Gwaihir leaned in towards the building and grabbed The Loser. Unfortunatly, Louis hadn't yet let go of the Superhero, so he got grabbed too.
Gwaihir pulled away from the building and soared over the sea, flying away from Seaside Bank as fast as he could.
Louis P. Daisy, clutched in the claws of a giant eagle, screamed bloody murder for the second time that day.
Louis' screams were cut off as Gwaihir zoomed straight upwards. The abrupt change in air pressure had immediatly caused the boy to pass out.
***************
R&R? Pretty please?
Also, nothing in this chapter was derived from anybody else's fics. Any relation is purely coincidental. Please do not sue me. I need the money to see TTT as many times as possible.
And to The Dishwasher: The reason she's known as 'The Loser' is because a girl who'd been forced to listen to my Tolkien lectures at summer camp was the one who suggested the name. It just seemed suitable.
****************
"Louis, would you mind taking the bus down to Seaside Bank and cashing in this check?"
"Okay Grandma, sure."
~~~~~
*Twenty Minutes Later*
Whose bright idea was it to build a bank right next to a tall, steep, seaside cliff with jagged rocks at the bottom?! Louis P. Daisy thought miserably.
His entire body was currently being squashed against a glass wall by a panicked, overweight woman in dire need of a breath mint.
The reason for the squashing was simple enough: Seaside Banks was being robbed.
And the customers had been told by the bank robber to stand against the *glass* wall and shut up.
Louis, being the short, scrawny pre-teen that he was, had immediatly been shoved and pinned to the wall by the massive rush of people. They had been quite eager to obey the robber's orders, seeing as he weilded a machine gun.
But this wasn't an ordinary bank robber. Louis was sure of it. The guy really didn't need the gun to scare people. He was a certified lunatic.
"Okay, fill those bags up straightaway, Missie!" The lunatic shouted at the teller. "And I mean it! Harry Potter married Voldemort, Carrie White became a devout Buddhist, and the Watership Down bunny rabbits were all sold in a pet shop! Keep the money coming! And all of you over there keep quiet!!!!!!!!!"
Oh, yeah. This guy was definetly missing a few cards in his deck. Forget robbing a bank wearing a purple business suit, a red tie and a bright yellow ski mask. Who in their right mind would spew out such idiotic plotlines while demanding cash?!
Louis could hear frightened whispers coming from somewhere to his left. He rolled his eyes and wished for the love of God they would shut up before the lunatic hear--
"Hey! I said KEEP IT DOWN OVER THERE!"
The lunatic raised his machine gun, and rapidly fired it over the heads of the whisperers. There were several screams, then loud cracking noises as the bullets punctured numerous holes though the glass wall.
Louis watched as a thin crack slowly made its way down from a bullet hole, and snaked right past his eye.
Uh-oh Was all Louis had time to think before the glass wall abruptly snapped and exploded into a million shards.
Cut and bleeding, Louis plummeted towards the jagged rocks below. Screaming bloody murder, he squeezed his eyes shut and prayed for a quick death...
Suddenly, Louis felt his fall being broken by a hard, but slightly poofy surface. The twelve-year-old boy's arm was immediatly grasped in a tight hold, preventing him from sliding off the poofy surface.
Opening his eyes, Louis looked around in openmouthed shock.
He was laying on the back of what appeared to be a giant brown eagle. The rider of the eagle was the one gripping his arm.
At first glance, Louis thought the rider was a wizard. But upon noting the two braided pigtails that hung down the rider's back, Louis realized it was a girl. A girl wearing a blue wizard's hat on her head.
The girl turned. Seeing his wide-eyed expression, she grinned happily.
"You alright?" She shouted, her voice loud yet comforting in the blowing wind. "Gwaihir's gonna take us around, okay?"
Gwaihir?! Louis' eyes widened even more. As in 'Gwaihir the Windlord?' From Lord of the Rings? There's no way...!
But there apparently was a way, because that's who Louis was lying on.
True to the girl's word, Gwaihir made a lazy u-turn and swooped back towards the bank, aiming straight for the shattered wall.
With a violent jerk, the giant eagle pulled up just short of crashing headfirst into the shattered glass pane. Gwaihir quickly twisted around and slammed sideways into it.
Louis was pulled to his feet as the girl jumped up atop the eagle. Running across Gwaihir's back and jumping over his head, the girl dragged Louis through the gaping hole in the glass and back into the bank.
The lunatic, like everyone else in the bank, was momentarily stunned at the arrival of the giant eagle. The girl used the distraction to run up to the lunatic, snatch the machine gun from his hands and hurl it out the broken window.
Wrenching his arm from the girl's hold, Louis fell to the floor, kissing the moldy blue carpet with relief. He was alive!
"Suilad, villanous freak! How dare you attempt a bank robbery, and allow an innocent boy to plummet to his death?!"
Louis paused mid-kiss and lifted his face from the carpet.
The girl was facing the insane bank robber, her hands on her hips.
And Louis duly noted that her outfit was just about as weird the lunatic's. In addition to the hat, she wore a green cape and a pair of brown pants that were obviously *way* too short for her.
Also, she wore no shoes. And there was a really big, fat book tucked under her arm.
She looked impatient as she waited for the lunatic to respond.
"Sooy-lad? Is that some type of Chinese food?" The lunatic giggled happily. "Speak first, my little pixie! Who are *you*?"
"I'm no pixie!" The girl exclaimed angrily. "I am The Loser. I am a Superhero. You are a bad guy, and I am here to stop you!"
The lunatic grinned insanely.
"So, a Superhero is it?" He said. "How amusing! What lovely identities they're thinking up these days! Do you plan to marry Legolas?"
"What?! Absolutly not!" The Loser cried. "He never marries. He sails off with Gimli to the Undying Lands after King Elessar's death. Year 120 of the Fourth Age, I believe."
The lunatic's insane grin immediatly vanished from his face. It was replaced by a nasty leer.
"Ah, so you think you can drive me insane with your knowledge?" He hissed. "I have heard of you before, Loser, and I know of your deeds! But do not think you can best me so easily! For I am the Non-Canonable Mr. Mezz, and in me, you may find you have bitten of FAR more than you can chew!!!"
"I beg to differ, Non-Canonable." The Loser smiled grimly. "Just watch and listen!"
Quick as a flash, Loser flipped open the huge book.
"'It was Gil-Galad, Elven King and Elendil of Westernesse who overthrew Sauron, though they themselves perished in the deed; and Isildur Elendil's son cut the Ring from Sauron's hand and took it for his own.'" The Superhero girl announced in a loud, clear voice.
Loser's eyes bored holes through Non-Canonable as she spoke.
"Let's start from that, shall we? Now, Sauron did not fully perish when Isildur fought him on the slopes of Amon Amarth--Mount Doom, that is-- because the One Ring was not destroyed. Isildur was affected by its powers and chose to keep the Ring, but due to unlucky circumstances, The King's troop was attacked by Orcs when he was headed to Rivendell. Isildur was shot to death by arrows, due to the treatchery of the One Ring. But going back on topic, Sauron's spirit remained and soon he grew in strength and gathered evil forces to him--"
"Was his son included in the evil forces?" Non-Canonable's voice was sickeningly sweet.
"Son?!" Loser scoffed. "What are you talking about? The Dark Lord Sauron had no son!"
"Of course he did!" The lunatic in the purple suit replied cheerily. "Sauron married a beautiful elf-maiden, and they had a son with hair as dark as raven feathers, and eyes as fiery as flames..."
"Excuse me?!" The Loser shreiked. "'Fiery as flames'? That's not even proper writing! Sauron was a Maia, and Morgoth Bauglir's former right-hand man. He has no children!"
"Ah!" Non-Canonable smirked. "Now do you finally understand the extent of my powers?!"
"You have no powers." Loser said. "Your rediculous lies offer no true threat."
"You lie!"
"You're right." The Loser drew a shaky breath. "I do lie. Plotlines like yours can drive a person over the edge, just as easily as my multiple and complicated truths can. But I'll be damned if you manage to beat me! Let's see who drives the other to insanity first!"
"Ooh-wee!" Non-Canonable giggled and clapped his hands. "What fun!"
"What fun indeed." The Loser remarked dryly. "What are you going to say next, hm? That elves work at the North Pole?"
"Of course not! They live in Lothlorien, where all the trees are pink in summertime!"
"P-PINK?!" Loser had gone white in the face.
"Yes, pink!" Non-canonable said. "And it is there where Legolas' mother is forced into marriage with King Thrandy, or whateverhisnameis. And that is why Legolas hates wood-elves..."
"Legolas *is* a wood-elf, you moron!" Loser said, rolling her eyes. "Or to be more specific, he's a Sylvan elf. One of the Moriquendi. Ever heard of those? They're the elves that never saw the light of the Two Trees, and never went to Valinor. The Mirkwood elves are most likely descendants of the Laiquendi, the green-elves that lived in Ossiriand before Beleriand was utterly destoyed--"
"Legolas gets married to Aragorn's neice's uncle's grandfather's counsin's former roommate and has triplets!"
"NO! Oh, I'll stop you yet! Vanyar light-elves, Noldor deep-elves, Teleri sea-elves, their leaders were Ingwe, Finwe, Elwe then Olwe because of Elwe meeting Melian..."
"Oh yes!" Non-Canonable exclaimed. "I know of Melian! She's the one who's married to that dope addict Tom Bombadil, right?"
"Why you...!"
Louis lay there on the carpet, utterly stunned by what he was witnessing.
It was obvious that Loser's knowledge of Middle-earth could prove dangerous, if used unwisely. Although he had read the Lord of The Rings Trilogy less than a year ago, Louis could sense his brain malfunctioning every time The Loser began to spew out large amounts of information with no end in sight. Louis was sure the other people in the bank felt it too.
If The Loser hadn't been focusing her powers *directly* at the Non- Canonable Mr. Mezz, everyone else in the room would have gone totally bonkers a long time ago.
"The dwarves were created by Aule." The Loser continued, deciding to switch to a completly different subject. "Because the Smith-god of the Valar was too impatient to wait for the coming of the Eldar, and therefore attempted to fashion them himself, but did not succeed--"
"D-dwarves! Th-the ugly miners! Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to w-work they g- go..."
"Hah! You're weakening! I c-can tell!"
"So are you, you little wizard-hatted upstart!"
"Ori and N-nori and Dori and Bifur and Bofur and Bombur and Balin and Dwalin and Oin and Gloin and Fili and Kili and Thorin Oakensheild who is descended from Thrain from Thror!"
"Shut up! Those thirteen dweebs all sailed down the Anduin, and opened a beach resort in Gondor!"
"Wrong! Fili, Kili and Thorin died in the Battle of Five Armies, Balin and Ori and Oin died in Moria later on..."
"STOP!!!!" Non-Canonable screamed. He was visibly sweating beneath his suit and ski mask. He bent over double, clutching his head in pain.
"H-had enough?" Loser demanded, swaying a little herself. That last remark about dwarves and beach resorts had really gotten to her.
Non-Canonable's head snapped up. He glared daggers at the girl ten feet away from him.
"You may have won this battle, Loser!" He screamed. "But I *will* win the war! I'll be back, mark my words!"
Abandoning the bags of money that had been filled up at his order, he sumbled out of Seaside Bank as fast as his legs could carry him.
The Loser paused. For a moment, she looked like she was going to chase after Non-Canonable. Then, face pale, she keeled over backwards and hit the floor with a loud *thump*.
Chaos exploded. The bank customers ran helter skelter, while one of the tellers yelled for someone to call the police.
Scrambling to his feet, Louis crawled over to Loser and shook her shoulder. She didn't move, althought the big fat book remained tightly clutched in her hand. Even when unconcious, she wouldn't let go of it.
"Boy! Get her over here, quickly!"
The deep rough voice seemed to reverberate in the air, and Louis' head shot up. Gawihir was just outside the broken glass wall, flapping his wings in an effort to stay in the same place.
"Don't goggle, human! Bring her to the window, now!"
Police sirens could be heard from outside. Grunting, Louis grabbed Loser under the armpits and hauled her across the floor towards the glass wall.
Raising his talons, Gwaihir leaned in towards the building and grabbed The Loser. Unfortunatly, Louis hadn't yet let go of the Superhero, so he got grabbed too.
Gwaihir pulled away from the building and soared over the sea, flying away from Seaside Bank as fast as he could.
Louis P. Daisy, clutched in the claws of a giant eagle, screamed bloody murder for the second time that day.
Louis' screams were cut off as Gwaihir zoomed straight upwards. The abrupt change in air pressure had immediatly caused the boy to pass out.
***************
R&R? Pretty please?