2. Limbo
Buffy entered her house and shut the door quietly behind her so as not to wake anyone still lost in the bliss of early sleep. She laid her head against the wooden door and closed her eyes for a moment, soaking in the weight of the last twenty minutes. It's amazing, she thought to herself, how drastically things can change in such a short period of time. Twenty minutes was all it took to alter and rearrange her life yet again. It seemed, to her, that the most significant changes happen within the shortest time spans: Tara killed. The fraction of a second it took to end her life almost brought about the end of the world. Warren viscously slain by Willow. It only took a few seconds but it pushed her best friend over a line that she may never return from, and now this. Buffy felt that she'd just gotten a grasp on her situation with Spike. She finally understood what it meant; why she did what she did, and why she could no longer keep doing it. Sleeping with Spike was not the way to get better, no matter how good it made her feel, because she didn't love him. She could never love him because he didn't have a soul, and no matter how real his feelings for her were, they didn't out weigh his immoral ruthlessness. For this reason she had ended it. It was time, she realized, to face her life's difficulties, instead of hiding from them in passionate, physical bliss, and she'd done so quite successfully. Twenty minutes, and all of that was sent back to the drawing board for yet another re-evaluation. She could have never loved Spike because he was almost completely immoral, evil, and without a soul. What did this mean now? She didn't even really know him. Things were never simple with Spike, but she hadn't forgotten nor forgiven what he had tried to do to her the night he left. Sighing heavily, she decided to wait until morning to untangle this mess, and made her way up the stairs into bed.
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Buffy woke hours later in the throws of dream-induced ecstasy. With back in full arch, and Spike's name dying in the back of her throat, the unrelenting grip of consciousness dragged her back from the dark, hot places, where his eyes held her captive and his body filled her own. As she cracked her eyes open to the real world, however, the sweetness of the dream transformed its self, without warning, into the most hideous of nightmares, as she felt the ghost pain of her back slamming into the side of the bath tub, and saw clearly, like it was happening again, Spike's crazed eyes as he forced his body between her legs.
'I'm gonna make you feel it!'
"No!" Buffy cried as her eyes flew open in terror. She sat up quickly, realized where she was, and let out a shaky sigh, putting her hands over her face to try and wipe away the experience. Her pajamas were drenched in sweat, and clung stubbornly to her body as she rolled over, pressing her flushed face into the cool pillow. She sighed deeply into the white fabric with mixed feelings of sexual satisfaction and disgust. She didn't like the fact that she still had a physical attraction toward Spike, especially after his psychotic assault, and although they felt wonderful at first, all these dreams ended the same way: with the flashbacks.
"I'm insane." Buffy said decidedly to her pillow. Suddenly there was a knock on her bedroom door, and before she could answer, Dawn's head poked through, followed shortly by the rest of her body. "Morning sleepy head." She said smiling. "Or should I say afternoon. It's almost 5 o'clock."
Buffy sat up quickly, and ran her hands through her hair. "Um…yah, I didn't get in until late…well, early if ya wanna be technical about it." She said, smiling back at her little sister. The room's light was fading quickly, but Dawn still noticed her sister's drippy condition, and looked concerned.
"Buffy are you ok?? You're sweating like crazy. Do you have a fever or something??" She inquired with her rapid fire questioning.
"Oh! No I'm fine." Buffy replied hurriedly, tucking a loose strand of hair back in its rightful place behind her ear. "I uh…just had a nightmare, I think."
Dawn nodded in understanding. "Yah…It's kinda hard to not have bad dreams lately…I mean ever since…. ya know…Tara and everything…" she said, looking sad. Buffy was suddenly overcome by a wave of intense guilt. One of her close friends and confidantes was dead, her best friend was walking the line of mental and emotional destruction, and instead of being tortured in shallow sleep with these issues, she was off in a deep slumber, having twisted sex dreams about an attempted rapist, with apparently no subconscious concerns towards her unfortunate loved ones.
"I made you breakfast!" Dawn said cheerily, interrupting Buffy's thoughts. Well…actually, I tried to cook you a Mexican omelet, but…we didn't have any peppers, or hot-sauce, or butter, or um…eggs, so I cooked you a bowl of Coca-Coca Pebbles instead."
"Thank you." Buffy said, grinning appreciatively at her sister's efforts. "Hey…have you talked to anyone yet today?"
"Nope. Well, I talked to Giles on the phone this morning. He said he was gonna stop by later on to talk to you…about Willow…" she said looking down at her feet.
Buffy nodded her head and looked worried. "How is she today? The same?"
"Yeah…still in her room…I tried to bring her some orange juice this morning but…she wouldn't let me in…"
Buffy sighed, looking out her widow for a brief moment.
" Why do you ask?" Dawn inquired, reverting back to the original subject. "I mean about the gang. Is something up?" She asked, a spark of excitement glittering behind her eyes.
"Sort of." Buffy replied. "Something's happened, and I wanna tell everyone together."
"Something good? Like…brownies grow on trees now? Please say it's not something bad. I can't take anymore badness…"
"No, no… nothing bad really…it's just…something's changed."
"And I thought you were gonna be vague about it." Dawn scoffed, rolling her eyes. Buffy smiled in reply and crawled reluctantly out of her warm, damp bed. "Lead the way to the land of Coca-Pebbles." She said with a grin. Linking their arms together, the Summers sisters made their way downstairs to the kitchen.
Willow sat, Indian style on her bed, letting the warm afternoon sun dance on her face through the trees outside her open window. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, imagining that Tara was there with her, in her arms. She thought she could almost smell her hair, a faint scent of the honeydew watermelon shampoo she always used. Suddenly her face crumbled and she began to weep. She didn't think after last night that there were any more tears left to shed inside her broken and battered heart. It had been the first night she actually slept, but it brought no comfort to her. Instead, her sleep had been haunted with nightmares; flashbacks of Warren flayed, and Tara dead at her feet, those beautiful eyes that always smiled at her, now blank and empty. The eyes had looked right at Willow, but saw then only what the dead see, whatever that may be. She let her mind wander back to Warren once more. In her dream she'd thought she could see every vein and tendon in his entire body, and his muscles glistened, wet with blood and viscous fluid. And that awful smell, like cold, raw beef. That's what he…it had been; raw beef with eyes. She fought off another wave of nausea, and put her face in her hands. Had she really done that to a human being, she thought? How could things have gotten so bad so quickly? The situation was rather ironic she thought with half-hearted bitterness. It was her love for someone else which ignited that black flame of death and destruction; a dark flame that spread, burned, and consumed everything in its path. But in the end, it was someone else's love for her which had ended the rampage, putting out the flame that had wormed it's way inside of her own heart, nearly claiming her, and the rest of the world, as it's final victims. She wondered if her friends could ever forgive her for all the pain and terror she had caused. She never intended to hurt them, but when the magic filled her, it was like being controlled, altered, and driven solely by its intoxicating power. The very essence of its evil had sucked her in, and drained her humanity. She had become a slave to it's bidding, chained by darkness. How could she ever explain that to her friends, Willow wondered. How could she make them understand? She had not come out of her room in three days except to use the toilet or to get a glass of water, and the only person she would see was Xander. His love for her was unconditional, and she knew he had already forgiven her. In fact, she didn't think there was ever a point when she was not forgiven in his eyes, but she didn't know about the others. Could she ever face them again?
"It's about time you were up." Giles said, sounding mildly annoyed as he walked into the Summers residence. Buffy turned her head away from the coffee machine long enough to give him a look that matched his own, before returning to pour her self a cup. "A slayer needs her sleep." She declared, sitting down at the white Formica table.
"Yes, of Course." He replied with sarcasm. Suddenly Giles was serious, folding his arms on the table and giving Buffy his "no more jokes" look. "How is she today?"
"The same…" Buffy said shaking her head and looking down a moment. "Giles…I can't stand this. Just letting her sit up there alone. I feel like we should be doing something for her.
"I know this is difficult Buffy, and I understand you feel as if you aren't helping, but leaving her be is the best thing we can do for her right now." Giles said sympathetically.
"How??" Buffy exclaimed. "How can letting her sit there, day after day, with nothing to do but think about everything that's happened be helping her? She's so vulnerable right now Giles, she needs someone to be there."
"Well Xander's been in and out," Dawn interjected, "But…he says she's not really talking much…" Buffy sighed with frustration and put her face in her hands.
"Listen to me Buffy." Giles urged, removing his glasses. "Willow is vulnerable right now. Her-her decision to take in that magic, sent her across a line that many experienced sorcerers and sorceresses have failed to recover from. Not only must she begin to deal with Tara's death, she also must come to terms with what she's done to Warren and her loved ones at the same time. This is…a heavy load for young woman to carry, to say the least, and she's going to need a few days to let it all sink in…to-to absorb everything that's happened. Besides…I expect she's going to need more help than what we can offer her to overcome this."
Buffy nodded wearily in agreement, resting her head on her hand. "But who? I mean it's not like we can send her to regular therapist. They'll put her in an institution if she tries to tell them she almost caused the Apocalypse."
"Well, I may know someone in England, a magic man who fell into the same hands of darkness that Willow did, and who-who made quite a remarkable recovery. I think he could be of great help to her if she would agree to see him."
"No!!" Dawn cried in protest, bounding from her chair. "Don't take her back with you Giles, please! It's hard enough not having you around anymore. I don't want to lose Willow too! Please!" she pleaded, taking his arm with her hand.
Giles chuckled, taking Dawn by the hand gently. "Fear not my Dawn. It, of course, would only be a temporary stay for her." A pause. "And for me." He said turning to Buffy.
A grin slowly spread across her face as she realized what he meant, and Dawn soon had one to match.
"Oh my God! Yay!! Oh yay!!" Dawn cried throwing her arms around Giles, who hugged her back warmly.
Buffy smiled at Giles, her eyes beginning to tear with happiness and relief. "It just hasn't the same around here without you." She said squeezing his hand with hers.
"You've done exceptionally well in my absence Buffy, and I won't lie to you. I truly feel you needed it. But you've grown so much in these few short months, so it's time for me to come home now." He said smiling lovingly at the girls. "Speaking of changes," he said looking quizzically at Buffy, "you mentioned something on the phone about a change of circumstances. What on earth did you mean?"
"Yeah Buffy, what's the big secret? You know I hate secrets. Well at least when I'm the only one who doesn't know them." Dawn said grumpily.
"I'll tell you both, as soon as the others get—" she began as Xander and Anya walked into the kitchen. They did not look pleased with each other.
"Everything OK guys?" Buffy asked tentatively.
"Yeah."
"Fine." They answered simultaneously, moving to opposite sides of the kitchen. Anya looked angry and hurt, and Xander looked like a man with nothing left to give: tired, sad, and broken. Buffy gave him a sympathetic look. He'd been trying so hard the past couple of months to make up for the pain he caused his ex-fiancee, but she wasn't showing any signs of pardon.
"What's up Buff?" Xander asked, breaking the agonizingly uncomfortable silence. "Don't tell me we've got a baddie to take down already." He said walking towards the table and taking a seat next to Buffy. "You'd think a near apocalypse would keep those little guys down for a while…ya know…with the almost dying."
"No beasties today." Buffy said, pushing her hair behind her ears nervously. She had no idea how the gang would react to the news about Spike. She didn't even understand what it meant to her yet. She took a quick glance at Anya, who was still standing at the far end of the kitchen shooting daggers at Xander, and spit it out.
"Guys, Spike is back in Sunnydale…back home."
"That's it. Xander said with resolve, standing up from his seat. "He's dust."
"Xander, sit down." Buffy commanded grabbing his arm. "Things have changed."
"No Buffy." He continued, determined. "That guy has done nothing but screw up and cause pain since the first day he stepped foot in this town, and for some reason that I cant see, everybody gives him a break. Well he's had his last break. I draw the line at attempted rape."
"Attempted rape?!" Giles exclaimed, whipping off his glasses. "Attempted on who?"
"On Buffy." Dawn answered looking hurt and bitter. She had become close to Spike over the past year, and she trusted him not only with her life, but with her sister's as well. She never forgot what Spike was, but she truly believed he'd never lay a harmful finger on a Summers woman. This betrayal of trust hurt her deeply, and she didn't think she could ever forgive Spike for what he did.
"Buffy is this true?" Giles asked, turning to her.
"You look all look so surprised." Xander went on before she could answer. "At what point in time did you guys forget that Spike is evil?!"
"Guys—" Buffy tried to interject.
"Spike isn't totally evil." Anya piped in matter of factly. "There is good inside of him. I mean sure he did a really stupid thing… but I think we should give him a brea—"
"You don't get to say anything about this!!" Xander cried viciously, whipping around to point an accusatory finger at her. "I've had enough of you're—"
"GUYS!!" Buffy finally screamed, and the room went silent. "He left. He left to get that chip out of his head, but he came back with a soul instead. Spike has his soul back." No one moved. No one breathed, for what seemed to Buffy, like ages.
"Oh my…" Giles murmured finally. "Well this uh, certainly does uh…alter things…now doesn't it?"
Xander shook his head in disbelief. "This is fitting. Yet another break for poor old Spike." He spat bitterly. "Just in time to escape the consequences of his actions… again." He threw his arms up in the air and walked out of the room in exasperation.
"Xander—" Buffy started, but Giles put a hand up, motioning to let him be.
"Poor Spike!" Anya cried with deep sympathy, half hoping it was loud for Xander to hear. "He must be in terrible pain…ya know with the guilt of all those people he murdered in cold blood resting on his shoulders…. I'm glad I don't have any of that." She added thankfully, smiling around the room.
Dawn, who had, up until this point been sitting silently with her mouth cracked open in shock, finally spoke up. "Someone should be with him…h-he shouldn't be alone."
"I don't quite believe it." Giles said softly.
"He is…in a lot of pain." Buffy replied, not sure if she minded that fact or not. "There's no doubt about that."
"We should give him some money." Anya suggested with enthusiasm. "Receiving money always replenishes my will to live." Buffy, Dawn, and Giles all turned to glare at her like parents glaring at a child who has just belched at the dinner table. "I'm just saying…" she mumbled, moving closer to the group in hopes of redemption.
"I'm going over there." Dawn said impatiently, rising from her chair.
"You're going by yourself?" Buffy asked expectantly, challenging Dawn with her eyes.
"Yah...That's ok right?" Dawn replied, holding her breath. This exchange was the first test of their newly evolved relationship. Buffy had told Dawn that she no longer wanted to hide her from the world, but rather, show it to her. Could she really live up to that declaration Dawn wondered? Or would Buffy let love and protective instinct suffocate her only chance at growing up. Buffy hesitated a moment, and then answered in a threatening tone. "Just make sure you bring a weapon of some kind: sword, stake, big lumpy stick, I don't care, but it's gonna be dark soon and I want you to have something to protect yourself with…ok?"
"Ok." Dawn replied, smiling at her sister with relief and appreciation. "I'll go grab something out of the chest."
"I'll go with you to the living room!" Anya cried, following Dawn hurriedly across the kitchen. "This subject of conversation is depressing and uncomfortable, so I'm politely excusing myself from the room." She explained, giving everyone one last awkward smile before exiting.
Giles, who had been watching the conversation with silent interest, turned to Buffy with eyebrows raised. He was not used to seeing The Slayer so lenient and trusting with her little sister.
"It was time." Buffy replied to his questioning look. "I saw her fighting…and…for the first time, I realized who she was. I mean she was amazing Giles. You should've seen her." She continued, smiling to herself. "She was like this, incredible, strong woman… and I've been treating her like a child the whole time. " she said, looked down with remorse.
"You were just doing what you thought was best for her Buffy." Giles said consolingly. You were trying to keep her from harm, like any devoted sister would do."
"But I went beyond that Giles." Buffy protested, shaking her head. "I wasn't just protecting her…I was holding her back. I was keeping her from herself. God, no wonder she acted out the way she did…the stealing, the temper tantrums… all the times I screamed at her, when I was the one screwing up…It's my fault." She finished, looking into his eyes. He sighed and met her gaze. "Buffy, I've told you this once before, quite some time ago, and I'm going to tell you again. If you're looking for guilt, I'm not your man." She smiled slightly at the reminiscent cluster of advice. "You already carried a thousand times the responsibility of most women your age, and-and to add on to that daily struggle, you lost mother." A cloud of sadness passed over Buffy's eyes at the mention of her mother, but was gone almost as soon as it appeared. "You…you were overwhelmed Buffy, and you did the very best you could, given the circumstances. Perhaps you made some ill choices with Dawn, but it was only because you love her. You've recognized your mistake and learned from it. There's nothing to be ashamed of in that."
"I guess…" she said, fiddling with her fingernails. "We start training on Monday. I just… don't wanna screw her up…ya know?"
"I do know." Giles said, squeezing her hand knowingly. "You're doing just fine. I assure you."
"I hope so…I don't know what I'd do if……and now Spike." Buffy added, sighing heavily. "I don't even know what to think Giles. It makes my head hurt to think…"
"May I ask……" Giles began tentatively after a short silence. "Did you love him at all?"
Buffy looked inside herself for a moment, just a moment, and then answered, "No. No I didn't love him." She replied, looking up from her fingers. "How could I? He didn't have a soul."