Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. Nor do I own Gwaihir the Windlord. But I
made up practically all the other characters in this fic.
Sorry for the delay. Severe lack of inspiration...but it's all better now! New installments can be expected once a week, prolly on Mondays.
Canon Police- Actually, Ents call their drinks Entwash too. Look it up, both the river and the beverage have the same name. : )
****************
"Uhhhhh..."
Head and body aching equally, Louis P. Daisy groggily opened his eyes.
He immediatly slammed them shut again as harsh, bright light flooded his vision. Waving a hand in front of his face, he toppled over and landed on his side.
"Aaaaaaaaaaahh! Make the light go away! Turnitoff!" He mumbled.
"No *way* am I turning it off!" A no-nonsense feminine voice proclaimed. "The Simaril's the only light source in the whole darn Control Room, and without it I can't see a bloody thing! You think Loser'd put in some regular light bulbs, but nooooo..."
Louis heard footsteps walking towards him, then felt a prescence by his side.
"Here. Drink this."
A cup was brought to Louis' lips. He drank greedily for about two seconds-- until his his guts started burning from the inside out.
Louis jerked upwards and spat out what he hadn't already swallowed.
"What the heck?!" He gasped, coughing and trying to catch his breath. He opened his eyes fully, and stared at his surroundings with an expression of disbeleif
He was propped up against the wall of what looked to be a fairly large cave.
The walls and ceilings were covered with strange runes, and a white globe of burning light hung suspended from the middle of the ceiling by a single wire.
Suddenly, it all came rushing back to Louis. The lunatic bank robbery...falling out a window...being caught by an eagle--
He heard a giggle, and turned his head to the side.
A girl was kneeling next to him, holding a wooden goblet and smiling. She couldn't be more than three years older than him. Her hair was short, black and quite untidy, pinned in random places with red kiddie barettes. She wore a dark green tunic and a pair of raggedy black leggings that cut off at her upper ankle. She had no shoes, and wore a ring set with a large sapphire on her middle finger.
"Sorry." She said, trying not to laugh at Louis' choking fit. "Maybe I shouldn't have given you that! But we're out of drinking water at the moment, and the only other drinks here are things like beer and wine. No soda." She added mournfully. "No soda at all."
Loius struggled to sit up, still gasping.
"Wh--what *was* that stuff?" He managed to get out.
"Orc-liquor. Sets fire to your guts, but wakes you up right quick. I would have given you Miruvor, but we're out of that too."
Smiling, the girl extended a hand.
"Suilad, and nice to meet you! Welcomt to The Loser's Lair. My name's Nits. I'm The Loser's receptionist."
"Her what?!"
"Receptionist." Nits said, pointing across the room to one of the far walls. It boasted a large computer screen and keyboard.
"That's the SSC." Nits said. "Short for the 'Seeing Stone Computer'. We call it that because it's powered by a Palantir. I sit on my arse at that desk, day in and day out, taking calls from weak, moronic people who need The Loser to fly in on a brown eagle and save their butts. In addition to that, I'm also in charge of keeping this freaking *warren* clean, tidy and well stocked! And I don't even get paid for the last part!" Nits stood up and kicked the wall in annoyance.
"Um..." Louis said, not knowing quite how to react.
Nits seemed to suddenly notice him again, and flashed Louis another of her maniacal grins.
"Anyway, The Loser's out now stopping another criminal offense." She said, still smiling. "You can't keep a good superhero down too long! Even if they had suffered a severe concussion... But anyway, she told me to watch over you and make sure you were okay. She said you saved her."
Nits leaned down and offered Louis a hand. He took it, and she quickly hauled the shrimpy-looking boy to his feet.
"In fact, I suspect she'll be back any moment no--" Nits was interupted by a loud banging noise, like a garage door being slammed up.
It was followed by the thick noise of wings flapping.
An agonized screech.
A loud voice yelling 'slow down!!!'.
And then a shuddering crash that made Louis wince.
"Servant of Manwe and Windlord he may be," Nits sighed, shaking her head sadly. "But Gwaihir's yet to learn the art of navigation inside a cramped cave entrace"
"Mellon!" shouted a muffled voice through the walls.
Louis yelped, jumping about three feet in the air as a door suddenly materialized in one of the walls.
The door was immediatly flung inwards, revealing The Loser, hatted and cloaked in her superhero glory.
One arm clutched the oversized copy of Lord of the Rings...the other was curled around an oversized grocery bag.
"*'Quel udome*! Good evening, everyone!' The Loser said cheerily. She deposited her book on a low table near the door, then hung her hat and cloak on a coathanger right next to the table.
Striding into the room, she handed the bag to Nits, who squealed in excitement.
"STUFF!!! Finally, you remember to go out and get more supplies! Oh, this is most splendid!"
Unceremoniously, the red-baretted girl plopped down onto the floor, quickly taking in an inventory of what The Loser had bought.
"Frozen coney meat, pipeweed, suspenders, elf hair, bag of coal, cram..."
Smiling, The Loser turned to face a wide-eyed Louis.
"Uh...h-hi." Louis said, feeling a little awed,
"Suilad, my freind." The Loser said, bowing slightly. "I greatly appreciate your actions at the bank. Had you not aided me, I would have been apprehended by the authorities and my identity revealed. For that, I am in your debt."
"Aw," Louis said, digging his hands into his pockets and blushing a little. "It was nothing, really. I mean, you saved me too."
"Yes, but it was my responsibility to do so." The Loser said. "It is part of my job to save lives. What you did, you did with true bravery. For my part I am beholden to you."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Cool." Louis said.
"...Hithlain rope, Bree cheese, powdered mushrooms--that's everything we needed! I'll just go put all this away..."
"Not so fast, my kind-hearted yet mentally unstable receptionist!" The Loser commanded, grabbing hold of Nits' shoulders as she got up and tried to walk away.
"What did I do now?" Nits whined.
"Nothing felonious. I just want to know if you'd found any info on that Non-Canonable Mr. Mezz character."
"Can't I put the perishables away first?"
"No."
Grumbling, Nits deposited the grocery bag on the floor, then shuffled over to the computer.
She sat down, and began typing rapidly on the keyboard.
The screen immediatly lit up, revealing a picture of a seedy looking man with watery eyes.
"Meet Mr. Harley H. Mezz." Nits proclaimed. "Thirty-nine year old accountant and stamp collector. He hates literature with every fiber of his being, because he's too dim to understand it or control it."
Nits clicked her mouse and the picture of Harley Mezz vanished, replaced by a helicopter shot of an exploded building. Paper was flying everywhere.
""One fateful day, Harley was dragged off to a board meeting by his boss. The meeting took place at the local library, which wasn't really a big deal to anyone except Harley. Unfortunatly, it became a big deal when a gas pipe in the building got blocked up, and the library exploded. Harley Mezz was buried alive in a *huge* pile of book pages. And the overdose of several thousand plot combinations; combined with his cologne, caused...radioactive mutation."
"What?" Louis said, completly stupefied.
Nits shot him an icy glare, then continued.
"ANYWAY, that's how Harley H. Mezz mutated into Non-Canonable: Destroyer of logical plotlines, and enemy to good authors everywhere!"
A final click of the mouse revealed the scanned image of a newspaper clipping, detailing the events that had occurred six hours ago in Seaside Bank. Next to it was a police sketch of Non-Canonable, his head thrown back, laughing maniacally.
"Sorry to say it Loser, but I think you've met your match this time." Nits said, shaking her head.
"Nonsense!" The Loser said. "He's just...really really powerful. I'll think of a way to beat him, mark my words! Even if I have to bite his fingers off! No, wait, that's a bad comparison..."
"I"m badly confused." Louis whimpered, obviously in mental distress.
"Of course you are!" Nits patted him gently on the head. "Stupid little stick-child...which reminds me Loser, how're we gonna get him home?"
"Uh..." The Loser scratched her head "I guess we'll get Gwaihir to fly him home. C'mon Lou...
As Louis found himself being gently propelled through the door by The Loser, he twisted his head around and waved to the figure still seated at the computer.
"Bye Nits!" He called. "Thanks for the Orc-drink! I think..."
Nits wan't listening. She had turned the computer off and was in the process of picking up the grocery bag, muttering something about how eagle food, with all its grisly bits of meat, was always the first thing to rot in room temperature.
The Loser steered Louis out the door, into a tunnel that immediatly forked. They took the left hand fork, and kept on walking. Louis could feel air wafting from somewhere up ahead, as well as loud rustling noises. The noises reminded him of his grandmother's parakeet ruffling its feathers-- except magnified to a spectacular degree.
The Loser let go of Louis' shoulders, and moved to walk beside him.
"I meant what I said about being beholden to you." She said. "So from now on, I'll protect you from all the extremly bad things that come your way. If you are in trouble at any point, all you have to do is find a phone and contact me. The number is 1-800-F-E-L-L-O-W-S-H-I-P. You'll remember that?"
"Uh-huh. Thanks!"
************
R&R, please!
Sorry for the delay. Severe lack of inspiration...but it's all better now! New installments can be expected once a week, prolly on Mondays.
Canon Police- Actually, Ents call their drinks Entwash too. Look it up, both the river and the beverage have the same name. : )
****************
"Uhhhhh..."
Head and body aching equally, Louis P. Daisy groggily opened his eyes.
He immediatly slammed them shut again as harsh, bright light flooded his vision. Waving a hand in front of his face, he toppled over and landed on his side.
"Aaaaaaaaaaahh! Make the light go away! Turnitoff!" He mumbled.
"No *way* am I turning it off!" A no-nonsense feminine voice proclaimed. "The Simaril's the only light source in the whole darn Control Room, and without it I can't see a bloody thing! You think Loser'd put in some regular light bulbs, but nooooo..."
Louis heard footsteps walking towards him, then felt a prescence by his side.
"Here. Drink this."
A cup was brought to Louis' lips. He drank greedily for about two seconds-- until his his guts started burning from the inside out.
Louis jerked upwards and spat out what he hadn't already swallowed.
"What the heck?!" He gasped, coughing and trying to catch his breath. He opened his eyes fully, and stared at his surroundings with an expression of disbeleif
He was propped up against the wall of what looked to be a fairly large cave.
The walls and ceilings were covered with strange runes, and a white globe of burning light hung suspended from the middle of the ceiling by a single wire.
Suddenly, it all came rushing back to Louis. The lunatic bank robbery...falling out a window...being caught by an eagle--
He heard a giggle, and turned his head to the side.
A girl was kneeling next to him, holding a wooden goblet and smiling. She couldn't be more than three years older than him. Her hair was short, black and quite untidy, pinned in random places with red kiddie barettes. She wore a dark green tunic and a pair of raggedy black leggings that cut off at her upper ankle. She had no shoes, and wore a ring set with a large sapphire on her middle finger.
"Sorry." She said, trying not to laugh at Louis' choking fit. "Maybe I shouldn't have given you that! But we're out of drinking water at the moment, and the only other drinks here are things like beer and wine. No soda." She added mournfully. "No soda at all."
Loius struggled to sit up, still gasping.
"Wh--what *was* that stuff?" He managed to get out.
"Orc-liquor. Sets fire to your guts, but wakes you up right quick. I would have given you Miruvor, but we're out of that too."
Smiling, the girl extended a hand.
"Suilad, and nice to meet you! Welcomt to The Loser's Lair. My name's Nits. I'm The Loser's receptionist."
"Her what?!"
"Receptionist." Nits said, pointing across the room to one of the far walls. It boasted a large computer screen and keyboard.
"That's the SSC." Nits said. "Short for the 'Seeing Stone Computer'. We call it that because it's powered by a Palantir. I sit on my arse at that desk, day in and day out, taking calls from weak, moronic people who need The Loser to fly in on a brown eagle and save their butts. In addition to that, I'm also in charge of keeping this freaking *warren* clean, tidy and well stocked! And I don't even get paid for the last part!" Nits stood up and kicked the wall in annoyance.
"Um..." Louis said, not knowing quite how to react.
Nits seemed to suddenly notice him again, and flashed Louis another of her maniacal grins.
"Anyway, The Loser's out now stopping another criminal offense." She said, still smiling. "You can't keep a good superhero down too long! Even if they had suffered a severe concussion... But anyway, she told me to watch over you and make sure you were okay. She said you saved her."
Nits leaned down and offered Louis a hand. He took it, and she quickly hauled the shrimpy-looking boy to his feet.
"In fact, I suspect she'll be back any moment no--" Nits was interupted by a loud banging noise, like a garage door being slammed up.
It was followed by the thick noise of wings flapping.
An agonized screech.
A loud voice yelling 'slow down!!!'.
And then a shuddering crash that made Louis wince.
"Servant of Manwe and Windlord he may be," Nits sighed, shaking her head sadly. "But Gwaihir's yet to learn the art of navigation inside a cramped cave entrace"
"Mellon!" shouted a muffled voice through the walls.
Louis yelped, jumping about three feet in the air as a door suddenly materialized in one of the walls.
The door was immediatly flung inwards, revealing The Loser, hatted and cloaked in her superhero glory.
One arm clutched the oversized copy of Lord of the Rings...the other was curled around an oversized grocery bag.
"*'Quel udome*! Good evening, everyone!' The Loser said cheerily. She deposited her book on a low table near the door, then hung her hat and cloak on a coathanger right next to the table.
Striding into the room, she handed the bag to Nits, who squealed in excitement.
"STUFF!!! Finally, you remember to go out and get more supplies! Oh, this is most splendid!"
Unceremoniously, the red-baretted girl plopped down onto the floor, quickly taking in an inventory of what The Loser had bought.
"Frozen coney meat, pipeweed, suspenders, elf hair, bag of coal, cram..."
Smiling, The Loser turned to face a wide-eyed Louis.
"Uh...h-hi." Louis said, feeling a little awed,
"Suilad, my freind." The Loser said, bowing slightly. "I greatly appreciate your actions at the bank. Had you not aided me, I would have been apprehended by the authorities and my identity revealed. For that, I am in your debt."
"Aw," Louis said, digging his hands into his pockets and blushing a little. "It was nothing, really. I mean, you saved me too."
"Yes, but it was my responsibility to do so." The Loser said. "It is part of my job to save lives. What you did, you did with true bravery. For my part I am beholden to you."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Cool." Louis said.
"...Hithlain rope, Bree cheese, powdered mushrooms--that's everything we needed! I'll just go put all this away..."
"Not so fast, my kind-hearted yet mentally unstable receptionist!" The Loser commanded, grabbing hold of Nits' shoulders as she got up and tried to walk away.
"What did I do now?" Nits whined.
"Nothing felonious. I just want to know if you'd found any info on that Non-Canonable Mr. Mezz character."
"Can't I put the perishables away first?"
"No."
Grumbling, Nits deposited the grocery bag on the floor, then shuffled over to the computer.
She sat down, and began typing rapidly on the keyboard.
The screen immediatly lit up, revealing a picture of a seedy looking man with watery eyes.
"Meet Mr. Harley H. Mezz." Nits proclaimed. "Thirty-nine year old accountant and stamp collector. He hates literature with every fiber of his being, because he's too dim to understand it or control it."
Nits clicked her mouse and the picture of Harley Mezz vanished, replaced by a helicopter shot of an exploded building. Paper was flying everywhere.
""One fateful day, Harley was dragged off to a board meeting by his boss. The meeting took place at the local library, which wasn't really a big deal to anyone except Harley. Unfortunatly, it became a big deal when a gas pipe in the building got blocked up, and the library exploded. Harley Mezz was buried alive in a *huge* pile of book pages. And the overdose of several thousand plot combinations; combined with his cologne, caused...radioactive mutation."
"What?" Louis said, completly stupefied.
Nits shot him an icy glare, then continued.
"ANYWAY, that's how Harley H. Mezz mutated into Non-Canonable: Destroyer of logical plotlines, and enemy to good authors everywhere!"
A final click of the mouse revealed the scanned image of a newspaper clipping, detailing the events that had occurred six hours ago in Seaside Bank. Next to it was a police sketch of Non-Canonable, his head thrown back, laughing maniacally.
"Sorry to say it Loser, but I think you've met your match this time." Nits said, shaking her head.
"Nonsense!" The Loser said. "He's just...really really powerful. I'll think of a way to beat him, mark my words! Even if I have to bite his fingers off! No, wait, that's a bad comparison..."
"I"m badly confused." Louis whimpered, obviously in mental distress.
"Of course you are!" Nits patted him gently on the head. "Stupid little stick-child...which reminds me Loser, how're we gonna get him home?"
"Uh..." The Loser scratched her head "I guess we'll get Gwaihir to fly him home. C'mon Lou...
As Louis found himself being gently propelled through the door by The Loser, he twisted his head around and waved to the figure still seated at the computer.
"Bye Nits!" He called. "Thanks for the Orc-drink! I think..."
Nits wan't listening. She had turned the computer off and was in the process of picking up the grocery bag, muttering something about how eagle food, with all its grisly bits of meat, was always the first thing to rot in room temperature.
The Loser steered Louis out the door, into a tunnel that immediatly forked. They took the left hand fork, and kept on walking. Louis could feel air wafting from somewhere up ahead, as well as loud rustling noises. The noises reminded him of his grandmother's parakeet ruffling its feathers-- except magnified to a spectacular degree.
The Loser let go of Louis' shoulders, and moved to walk beside him.
"I meant what I said about being beholden to you." She said. "So from now on, I'll protect you from all the extremly bad things that come your way. If you are in trouble at any point, all you have to do is find a phone and contact me. The number is 1-800-F-E-L-L-O-W-S-H-I-P. You'll remember that?"
"Uh-huh. Thanks!"
************
R&R, please!