7. Backwards and Forwards
How many times do I have to tell you Anya: I wasn't choosing her over you, I was trying to save our asses. Why can't you see that??" Xander implored, looking at his ex girlfriend from across his kitchen table.
"All I know is, the world was coming to a bloody, misery filled end, and you wanted to spend it with her instead of me." Anya persisted, almost pouting.
"Because it was our last chance An!" he defended. "Would you rather I sat there like a bump on a log, and watched Willow obliterate us all with the blink of her eye?? I was trying to save your life…our lives." He reached for her hand but she pulled away.
"I thought I was your best friend Xander!" she exclaimed, ignoring his comment. "That's what you told me…then again you also told me you wanted me to be your wife, and we all know how well that turned out…" she said scornfully. Xander sighed, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples. He had been dreading this conversation since Buffy left him at his doorstep the night before. He loved Anya with all his heart, but she was so self involved at times, that it made his head hurt.
"Does it even make a single bit of difference to you that we're still alive? Not tryin' to blow my own horn here, but, can you please look at the bigger picture for one measly second??"
"Yes, Xander." She said sarcastically. "Lets all hail to the great Xander Harris. You saved the world. You're the big hero, but you still broke my heart!" she continued, her eyes starting to tear. "You tell me one thing, but you do something else! You say you want to marry me, and then you don't. You say I'm the most important thing in your life, but then you go to Willow. The fact of the matter is that I don't trust you anymore…" she finished on a somber note.
"God!" Xander exclaimed, motioning frustration with his hands. "I can't do this anymore Anya!" Before he could say another word there was a knock at the door. He opened it, and Buffy stood, arms crossed, on the other side.
"Hey, what's up?" he asked distractedly.
"I know you lied about Spike, Xander." She said, jumping to the chase, and not noticing Anya within earshot, inside. "And now I wanna know why." She asked angrily.
"What's she talking about Xander?" Anya asked suspiciously.
"Think we could do this later? I'm kind of in the middle of something here." Xander pleaded quietly to Buffy.
"No. We can't." she replied sternly. "It's a simple question. Why would you do something like that? And why would you lie about it?" she inquired, searching his eyes for answers.
"Lie about what?" Anya asked, walking up to the two of them. Xander sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers.
"About how his face got pummeled." Buffy answered crossly.
"Look." Xander insisted. "I just…I didn't want you to be mad at me, ok?"
"Mad at you?!" Buffy replied with incredulity. "You tried to kill Spike! God, Xander! He didn't even know he could fight back!"
"See? And this is exactly why I didn't tell you." Xander reasoned, trying to lighten the mood a bit, and failing miserably.
"You tried to kill Spike??" Anya cried with horror. "Why? Why would you do something like that?"
"Yah, cuz Spike's so God damn innocent!" Xander lashed out.
"That's not the point." Buffy retorted. "I'm not making excuses for him Xander, but I'm not going to make them for you either."
All you've ever done is make excuses for him." Xander slung back.
"Look." Buffy replied. "What Spike did to me was terrible. I know that. I know that more than you, or anyone else." Xander looked to the floor. "But what you tried to do was wrong. He has a soul now Xander. She said quietly.
"Oh, so is that how it works? A soul equals a clean slate? All's forgotten?" He laughed scornfully. "Well that's how it worked with Angel anyway, isn't?"
"No." Buffy said simply, ignoring the cheap shot. "It doesn't mean a clean slate, or automatic forgiveness. It's not that easy…Not that simple. It never is…which is why what you did was so wrong Xander." She declared angrily.
"I just can't believe you." Anya said, astonished, after watching the banter for a moment. "You knew he had a soul, and…plus you thought he was defenseless! In the official book of cowardly things to do Xander, that's right up there in the single digits." She chided. "Pretty much right next to leaving your bride at the alter."
"Shut up!" Xander cried suddenly. Buffy and Anya both jumped, startled. "I don't need this right now! I can't…I can't deal with this!"
God, will you grow up for two seconds?!" Buffy shouted fiercely. Xander only looked at her coldly for a few moments, and then, "That's it. I'm done. I'm outta here." The girls chased hurriedly after him as he walked out the door.
"Where the Hell are you going?" Buffy asked with tense confusion.
"I'm leaving. I'm getting the Hell outta this miserable town, and away from people who want me to be the person they think I should be, and do the things they want me to do. Got a problem with that?" He lashed out, glaring from Buffy to Anya.
"No." Buffy replied stolidly. "No problem at all. When you're ready to get over yourself you just let me know." She finished icily, storming off down the street.
"Don't run away again Xander. Don't do this!" Anya pleaded. "You're acting like a child; a little child who's mad because he isn't getting what he wants!"
"Look who's talking." He threw back, and before Anya could get another word in, he was out the door, into his car, and gone.
"I admit, I'm not far from resorting to physical force if it means getting her out of that bloody room." Giles said decidedly, standing with his hands on his hips in front of Willow's bedroom door.
"If you mean breaking down the door, I-I think you should leave that to Buffy." Anya advised from her place next to him. Giles looked at her, mildly insulted.
"Slayer strength." Anya explained, shrugging her shoulders. Giles only rolled his eyes.
"WILLOW!!" He cried suddenly, banging on the door. "I demand you come out of there this instant!!"
"Yah…cuz that'll work." Anya said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "Show that unbelievably powerful witch who's boss with your terrifying upper-class British dialect. I'm sure she's quaking in her boots." Giles opened his mouth in retort but was interrupted by the sound of Buffy coming up the stairs.
"No luck?" she asked somberly as she reached the landing of the upstairs.
" I think we're going to need to break her out of there…" Giles said, removing his glasses tiredly.
"Willow…please come out!" Buffy called through the solid oak. "You need help, and you can't get it locked in there like an animal!" There was slight shuffling and then more silence. Buffy sighed wearily.
Downstairs, Dawn was sitting on the couch in her PJ's watching TV, and trying very hard to hear what was going on upstairs when the doorbell rang. When she cracked it, Spike was on the other side.
"Niblet" he said, nodding his head tentatively towards her in 'hello.'
"Spike." She replied stone-faced.
"Mind if I—" he began, but she opened the door to him suddenly.
"She's upstairs."
"Thanks…" Spike replied, looking uncomfortable as he walked in. Dawn began to walk back to the living room, but he called to her.
"Dawn." He said, walking slowly over.
"What do you want?" she asked with indifference.
"Dawn…I'm so sorry…" He said tenderly, putting his hand gently up to her hair for a moment. It was the first time that Spike had ever touched her in an affectionate way, and her feelings suddenly betrayed her; a tear slipping silently down her cheek. He only smiled warmly at her, and then without another word, turned and made his way up the staircase.
Buffy stared disdainfully at the door. "I don't know what else to try guys, I think—"
"Let me talk to her." Spike said, startling the entire group with his sudden presence.
"Spike." Giles said with alarm, taking in his ragged appearance.
"You don't look so hot…" Anya said sincerely. Spike only chuckled maniacally, and then stopped. "Outta the way mate." He said, budging in front of Giles. "Big bad'll get 'er outta there."
"Spike you're not well." Buffy warned warily. Spike didn't answer. Instead, he took a breath and kicked the door as hard as he could, sending wood chips flying in all directions. The door swung in violently, and then back the other way. He walked inside and shut it as best he could behind him, leaving the scoobies staring in shock.
Willow had been huddled in the corner of her room, sobbing with terror at the prospect of seeing her friend's faces, when the door suddenly came crashing inward. She stood up quickly and backed against the wall.
"Spike?" she asked with surprise and confusion when she saw him.
"Yah." He responded, seating himself comfortably on her bed. "Come on. Have a sit You and I are gonna have a lit'l chat." He said, motioning her to join him.
"Spike, what are you doing here?" Willow asked, sitting down beside him.
"Heard things haven't exactly been gum drops and candy canes round here as of late. The whole, black death, ending the world, bit doesn't suit you I'd wager." He said, lighting a cigarette.
"How did you know?—" she started to ask.
"How could I not." he scoffed. "Powerful rumblings like that don't exactly go unnoticed in the demon world."
"I guess not but—"
"Anyway." He interrupted. "Right now you need to get your wiccan ass out there and face what you've got coming to you." He declared matter-of-factly.
"What? I—I can't…" she faltered, her face beginning to crumble.
"Oh spare me the water works, please." Spike said, annoyed. "Just get out there and face the music already!" he insisted, motioning to the door.
"I can't!" She cried, standing up. "What I did…I killed somebody! I tried to kill my friends!"
"Yah, and I slaughtered half of Europe, what's your point?"
"Well no offense Spike, but it's not like you, ya know…care or anything." She replied. "It's all… 'good times,' and 'those were the days' for you. I have repercussions to deal with…I actually feel bad..." She said looking at him with deep sorrow.
"What, you think a vampire with a soul doesn't know guilt? Cuz let me tell you—" Spike began casually.
"Wait, what?" Willow looked at him with confusion. You don't…" she began, shaking her head. He only looked back at her expectantly. She walked over and stood in front of him, her intrigued eyes prying his own. Slowly and gently she reached forward and placed a shaking palm against Spike's chest. There was a warm, tingling sensation that began in his heart and spread quickly through out the rest of his torso. It felt like millions of tiny metallic beads being spilled over his chest, and then rolling smoothly to his extremities. The feeling was overpowering, and he was rendered immobile as a faint silver aura encompassed himself and the witch. Willow shut her eyes for a brief moment, and then it was over.
"Oh my God…your soul…" she said in shock, pulling her hand away. "And that was the first time I've used magic since…" She took a deep breath and half sat, half collapsed onto the floor, putting her hands to her head. "You must be…" she mumbled with emotional and magical exhaustion. Spike shook away the last of the strange experience, and crouched down next to her, putting his face very close to hers.
"Take what your feelin' Red…multiply it by a million…and maybe…just maybe…it'll be close to what I am." He said quietly. She looked at him reluctantly. "I see all their faces…when I close my eyes…and sometimes when their open…" he chuckled. "but I'm here, talkin to you, and carrying on, and moving forward." He said slowly, enunciating each word with deliberate perfection, as though mere presentation could make her understand.
"No." she said defiantly, shaking her head. "I Can't…I can't do this. I could never make them understand…how awful I feel. They could never comprehend…" her eyes began to water over again. "And if they can't know how it feels, then…they'll never be able to forgive me…" she looked down at her hands for a moment. "I don't even know if Tara…" her voice wavered at the name as tears spilled silently down cheeks. "I don't even know if she'll forgive me for what I did…" she cried, tipping her head back to search the invisible heavens. Spike stood up and looked at her with reproach.
"Your bein right selfish, you know." He said with a bluntness that few could appreciate.
"What?!" Willow cried, shocked and insulted. "How can you say that? I'm trying to—"
"You're tryin to protect yourself." He butted in. "When the truth is, you've got friends out there who've worried themselves bloody sick over you, and after all the horror you've caused, you're choosin to sit in here and feel sorry for your self, 'stead of tryin to make it better for them." He declared, pointing to the door. Willow looked lost inside her self, jaw moving up and down slightly but with no words coming out. "They can't start to put their lives back together, until you start on yours first." He said quietly.
"But it's so hard, and it… hurts." She whimpered, shutting her eyes against the tears.
"Well, welcome to the real world, yah? If it's so bloody awful then why are you still sittin in here?" Spike exclaimed, standing up and walking towards the door. Her eyes followed him. "You can stay in this room till the end of time," he called to her. "But things aren't gonna change unless you make them." He moved to leave, but she called suddenly, rising to her feet.
"Wait! "I--I'm coming." She said. Spike simply nodded his head and opened the door for her, putting his cigarette out on the carpet as she walked past him to greet her friends in the hall.
"Ok. I'm ready." Willow said as she walked down the stairs, suitcases in hand. She had spent all of that morning packing away her things in preparation for the journey to England, and it felt good. It felt good to be doing something besides crying, and fearing, and hating herself. Those first few moments spent out front of her bedroom had been the hardest in her entire life, with the exception of those moments in the morning when she roused out of sleep and remembered that Tara was dead. As hard as it had been, however, she felt like she'd conquered the mountain that was standing between her, and the chance to reclaim her life. She suddenly could see a glint of light, where before there had been only darkness. This light was hope.
"Our ride should be here shortly." Giles said, visually absorbing Willow's substantial amount of luggage.
"You are coming back, aren't you?" Dawn joked uneasily. The general mood was one of optimism mixed with tension. The gang was happy and relieved to see Willow taking a significant turn for the better, but they had not forgotten the things she'd done or said, and it lingered amongst the group, unheard, but by no means unnoticed.
"I'm hopin." Willow replied, laughing nervously.
"You've made the right choice Willow." Giles said reassuringly, resting a hand on her shoulder.
"Yes!" Anya agreed enthusiastically. "England will teach you how to not be homicidal, and when you come home, you and I can spend some quality time together paying back the hefty monetary losses that occurred as a result of your satanic rampage." She said encouragingly, patting Willow on the back. "You are going to pay it back, aren't you?" she added suspiciously.
"Um, yah, yes of course." Willow replied, disoriented by Anya's frankness, which, though common, never failed to be distracting.
"I just…I don't know if…" Willow started.
"You can, and you will do this." Giles replied.
"You're Willow." Buffy said, stepping forward. "And the Willow I know is strong, and determined, and she can overcome anything if she wants to bad enough." She said softly, looking into Willow's eyes with compassion. There was a honk out side the house and Giles pulled back the curtains.
"Our ride is here. Are you sure you're ready?" Giles asked gently.
"I am." She answered with quiet determination. "I have to be. I don't have any other choice..." She paused, looking around the room at her friends. Thank you…all of you…it's more than I deserve…" she said, her voice shaking.
"This isn't about what's deserved." Buffy said in a serious tone. "It's about love…and it's about us…all of us." Willow smiled at her thankfully, but then looked worried.
"Tell Xander I'm sorry I missed him…" Buffy and Anya exchanged glances. "and…if you guys see Spike…tell him… thanks for me…ok?"
"We will." Buffy answered, giving Willow a slightly awkward hug good bye. Next was Dawn, and lastly Anya.
"Come back all better, okay?" She said as the two girls embraced. It was crass but sincere and Willow smiled at her appreciatively.
There were a few more good bye's exchanged by Giles and the rest, and then they were gone. Anya, Buffy, and Dawn stood motionless in the living room together.
"And Xander?" Dawn asked, still staring towards the door.
'Xander needs to come back to grown-up land," Buffy declared. "Before this 'wronged by the world' attitude gets out of control."