Authors Note: Hey all, I really think you'll like this one. I've taken some extremely subtle hints from colleagues (covers mouth in a cough that sounds suspiciously like 'Claudia') and moved away from the entire area of Smut. I know, I know, and I apologize to my loyal lovers of bountiful breasts, but I've decided that I can't really stand a story with lots of that type of action, and little of the other type. (Psst: don't worry, as Jay said, 'There'll be titties in it, but no bush!') And I am very sorry that I have been so long in updating this chapter, but as if work weren't enough, I've recently started school up, and most of my energy has been going towards getting on top of my bed-time companion. (Before you gasp, read the A.N. of last chapter!) Any way, I hope you like. And review if you do. Hell, review and flame my ass if you don't! I'd just like to know people are reading.
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Chapter 9
Blood, Violence, And Monkey Theft.
"Really guys, you probably don't want to come along on this sort of thing. I've done this sort of thing before, and it might make things difficult if there's too many of us." Buffy spoke over her shoulder, with a look on her face nearly as dark as the black leather jacket ensemble she wore. She spoke, of course, to Jay and Silent Bob, who followed a few feet behind. Where they were headed to was unknown to these two, though the leader of this quartet was well informed.
No, I am not mixing up my words, this group was in fact a quartet, the fourth member of the little group merely rode on Bobs back.
"You might have at least wanted to leave Suzanne behind." Buffy finished.
"Lady, you aint got no idea how many times Suzanne's come in handy." Jay muttered mysteriously.
They followed her in silence for several minutes, which in itself was odd for Jay. Usually the only moments of silence around him involved Malt beverage and Masturbation, and even then not totally. They moved down a street lined with less than savory looking businesses until coming to a Bar with a large sign outside called Willy's. Jay snickered after reading, and gestured to Bob, making a passing reference about a gay bar.
Buffy stopped before entering, turned to them, and spoke in a warning tone of voice. "Listen, um, there are some rather weird people in there, and I'd rather just get in and get out quick. They know me here, and chances are they wont start anything with me. I wont need your help with Willy, so you guys just try to go in and blend in for a few minutes. Try not to draw attention to yourselves." She turned from them and entered the bar, leaving the other two to look suspiciously to each other.
Jay turned and spoke to Bob. "Alright Lunchbox, just remember, we goes in and act cool Remember, Incognito." They nodded to each other in an exaggerated way and entered. When they walked in, they saw that Buffy was already standing at the bar, speaking with the bartender. Jay looked around and motioned for Bob to follow him as the went and stood at one end of the bar.
On their way, Jay moved around one rather large ugly creature, completely oblivious that it was in fact, a Mek-Fayron demon, and accidentally bumped into a sitting vampire just as it was taking a drink of it's beverage. The impact made the Vampire spill blood all over itself, much to it's dislike.
As Bob walked the other way around the large Mek-Fayron, he moved a chair out of his path rather quickly with his foot. Not having paid much attention to the effort, he didn't notice as it tipped and fell. It landed on the tail of a rather agitated Grethrok, who took none too kindly to the annoyance. Bob also seemed to trip somewhat in a mis-balanced action, and bumped into the back of the Mek-Fayron.
Bob righted himself and Jay walked to words the bar uninterrupted, and as the Mek-Fayron turned to see Bob, it noticed that the Grethrok was also turning menacingly and swiping a chair around with its tail. Seeing as the Mek-Fayron was looking that direction, it didn't see the angered Vampire standing up behind it. The Fayron assumed that the Grethrok had pushed Bob, who it let go, into it, and the Vampire assumed that the Fayron had shoved it. As Bob reached the bar, the trio attempted to reach for each others throats, making a large display of the violence. Jay and Silent Bob, however responsible they were, were neither involved nor aware of the fight. Their complete obliviousness to danger seemed to make it so discouraged that it gave up and went away.
A demon with extremely too much orange skin had witnessed the event and spoke to the two gentlemen. "Huh, you guys are all kinds of interesting. New in town?"
"Yeah." Jay answered. "We're with her." He finished, motioning to Buffy.
The demons expression changed very slightly. "The Slayer? Figures. Well, why don't you just do us all a favor and just stand there and be quiet." He looked to the two of them seriously, than pointed to Bob, "Especially you." before walking away.
Bob looked confused for a moment, and Jay chuckled to himself, "Dude, that's pretty funny, yo."
They stood there without incident for a few moments, and Buffy spoke with the oily-headed Bartender. "Alright Willy, we need to talk."
He looked at her with an expression that, at a glance, would make one think of some kind of trapped mouse. But if one were to see his eyes, you would see that he was only about as truly afraid as a mouse that was trapped by an anteater. "Slayer," He began in an obviously too loud tone. "I thought I convinced you last time that All the blood I get is clean. I get it legally. Maybe not morally, but,"
"Shut up, Willy." She cut him off, acting out her part in this little charade. "I need some information."
"Aw, come on Slayer, you know I can't do that." Willy said loudly, shifty eyes scanning the room of demons. They were watching to see if he would give any of them up so easily.
"There's this whole legal confidentiality thing. Anything said between a person and his bartender is privileged information." He smirked, and Buffy looked menacingly at him.
"What channel do you think you're on, Willy, 'cause this isn't 'The Practice'?" She said, leaning forward slightly and spoke under her breath. "Am I gonna have to hit you?"
He whispered under his breath to her. "No, they started wondering why my nose never bleeds."
"Hands?" She asked quietly.
"Yeah." He whispered. "Say, Slayer, why don't you just sit down, have a drink, and take a night off. I'm sure that everyone would prefer that." He said, speaking loudly again. He grabbed a bottle beer and placed it on the bar between them. "On the house." He said in a sarcastic way, leaning with his hands on the bar.
She looked almost to be considering the offer as she picked up the bottle, but everyone who was watching knew of Willy's 'mistake' just before she slammed the bottle down on his hand. He pretended to shout out in pain, or at least she thought he pretended.
"Let's start again, shall we?" She said.
"I don't know anything Slayer." He said, wincing in pain.
She twisted the bottle, pushing down even harder, and he shouted again. "Are you sure?"
"Alright, alright, what is it?" He shouted, and she let him go. "Jesus, Slayer, that really hurt!" He whispered, now cradling the hand.
"Sorry about that." she whispered. She continued. "I need to know about a vampire troop."
"Yeah, like we don't have many of those around here." He muttered.
"I need to know about a troop that was shipping something into town."
While Buffy and the local business proprietor discussed their little matter, Jay and Silent Bob stood rather bored , Jay glancing around the room, Bob glancing over at Buffy. His eyes popped a bit at the bottle incident, but he stood his ground. A waitress walked over and asked if they would like anything to drink.
"What'll ya have?" She asked.
"How 'bout two beers, Flo? And why don't you kiss my grits, nee-ooch." Jay spoke. She walked off shaking her head, and the dumb-assed duo both turned at a rather loud laughing gentle man who sat a table nearby.
"And so he says 'If I might add, that is a fine looking spore you are raising.'" At which the whole table of scaly yellow beings roared in laughter.
The duo looked at each other and listened closer, hearing another of the group speak to him. "That's a good one Kefroll!"
Jay and Silent Bob heard this, and looked wide eyed and shocked at each other. Bob set Suzanne down on a bar stool, and they walked over to the sitting fellow, and Bob tapped him on the shoulder.
"Yeah, what is it?" He asked.
"Is your name Kefroll?" Jay asked.
"Yeah." He answered.
"Do you sign on to 'MoviePoopshoot.com' as Lord_Kefroll?" Jay asked.
"Yeah."
Bob pulled a thick stack of papers out of his overcoat and pointed to a point, a look of outright ire on his face. Jay continued. "Did you post, quote 'Jay and Silent Bob are two walking, talking gay jokes. I was watching the movie for all of five minutes when I shouted that it was already gayer than Sparticus. I would like to break my foot off in their asses if there weren't already body parts up there.'?"
If Kefroll hadn't have had so much to drink, he probably would have seen the looks on their faces as he said "Yeah."
He definitely would have seen the punch coming. Maybe not the kick that followed.
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Giles walked along the interior of the store, placing a few items in the correct spaces on the wall. He came across a rather large gentleman starring silently at a Lernazian Mural, and looked at the fellow. The tall man starred intensely at the picture and Giles felt prompted to speak.
"That is not a magic eye poster." Giles said timidly, At which the gentleman scowled angrily at him and left the store.
"Bloody customers..." Giles muttered, following the man to the door to lock up for the night. After flipping the open sign, he looked out over the store and muttered to himself. "Right..." He looked rather unsure of what he was doing. "Yes, on to that research." At this point he scurried on to his desk and collection of books. He collected a few volumes that he believed might hold some relevant information and brought them to the main table. He sat with the first text, searching for useful portions, until Willow, Anya, and Xander arrived. Willow and Xander were conversing about some foolish matter, and Anya went to prepare a pot of coffee for the long evening.
"All I'm say," Willow began, "Is that it's an obvious reference to magic, and how it brings all kinds of badness when it's misused."
Xander shook his head. "Well if that's true, than explain this; They say that there used to be a whole lot of the practitioners, but they were wiped out in a war. What's that supposed to mean?" He smirked as he leaned back.
"That's an obvious comparison to early Christians oppressing early magic users, and people like the popes persecuting them." Willow said matter of factly. "And the fact that they are almost all portrayed as men is just another show of sex-biased. Straight men running the show, as always." She muttered.
"Oh come on Will," Xander said, leaning forward again with a larger smirk on his face, "The entire things an obvious attack on modern religion. The last one shows that much."
Giles, who had been trying his hardest not to hear any of this, grimaced at the piece of tripe that was about to come out of Xanders mouth. Willow gave Xander a smirk combined with a raised eyebrow, which seemed more efficient than any verbal response. "No, seriously!" He stuttered. "Who's running the show in the first three?" He asked, obviously knowing the answer but wanting her to think for a second. "Vader, no! The emperor, Vader is the right hand man. And they are both practitioners of the force, albeit the dark side, which you said yourself is just basically religion." He was pointing half-hazardly at her now to emphasize his point, and talking in a semi-rant-ish tone. "So what you have there is an empire run by the darker elements of a powerful religion, which is in essence a theocracy. A government under the thumb of the more unsavory elements of a religious body." He smiled, seeming to have made his point, "So Luke, Han and Leia are fighting to save the world from what is, in essence, the darker side of the Holy mother Church." He leaned back in a seldom found intellectual victory, and quickly snapped back forward when he remembered something. "And the last two movies show it even more! Oh yeah, the all-powerful child of prophecy has to go into the desert to kill the sand people to save the virgin mother. Yeah, there's nothing Christian about that!" He stopped to take a sip of the coffee Anya had set down for him during his rant. Giles took this break in the madness to rub his forehead. "And don't you start with that 'Straight-Man' B.S., either." Xander said, picking up a book from the stack in the middle of the table. "'Luke, your father left this for you.' Yeah, it just happens to be four foot long and shaped like a dick." The sarcasm in the statement violated several health codes, and was probably a fire hazard.
Just as Anya's eyes began to glaze over in the visualization of what Xander just said, Giles spoke, "Instead of making me ill, could one of you possibly help me?" The four of them each took their books and began looking for items of interest, and after a few minutes Giles finished looking in his with little success. In the moment of thought before he got a new book, he asked a few questions of the others. "So, what do you think of these two fellows, Jay and Bob?"
Willow looked up from her book with an expression that showed that, though a great many words wanted to be spoken, none seemed to have permission. Suitably enough, the only adjective which passed her lips was 'Odd.'
Xander smiled. "Yeah, those guys are great. Funny guys. A little weird though. They got too much 'herbs' in their system, if you ask me," Xander muttered this with a smirk, "But they're alright. I heard some of their stories the other night. Man, they deserve a T.V. show or something." Xander had said this last part in an offhand manner, though Giles didn't seem to think it all that brilliant of an idea.
"Oh yes," Giles spoke, not even having opened the book yet, "A television program on which a pair of young men go about drinking, doing drugs, and spouting horrible jokes, mainly revolving around homosexuality and bodily functions, all the while gallivanting around on barbiturate inspired misadventures." Giles said all of this, taking off his glasses, and looking at Xander with incredulity in his eyes. "Oh, come now, Xander. Who would waste an hour watching that?"
At this point, the four people sitting at he the table merely starred off in the general direction of the cash register. Giles, still holding his glasses in his hand, starred with a dull, unhappy glare, while Anya and Willow seemed to shake their heads with almost sad looks. Xanders head bounces up and down in a wide grinned chuckle.
After a few moment, They return to their regularly scheduled activities, and continued the banter.
"Well, I'm quite pleased that they have come along." Giles said, placing his glasses back on. "They certainly seem to have a knack for getting you lot out of trouble."
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As Kefroll fell to the ground, Jay and Silent Bob stood over him. "Fuck, yeah!" Jay shouted, "You talk shit about us, and Bikity Bam! Your ass is toast!" They looked up towards each other, and turned to walk away. "Damn, Silent Bob, I didn't even think we'd find one'a them mother fucka's here, but we schooled his ass, Reynolds-style!"
They started walking away, when Kefroll stood up behind them. "Bitch, you're schoolin No one!" He shouted.
"Oh, an what you think your gonna do here, Bi-atch!" Jay shouted over his shoulder.
At this, the others who had been sitting with Kefroll at the table, all six of them, stood up, in a rather cliqueic-Bar-room style. Jay looked over his shoulder, as did Bob, and Jay muttered. "The whole fuck'n worlds out to get us, Silent Bob, I swear ta God!"
They turned around just in time to kick the knees of the first of them in his advance. He fell just in time for Bob to throw a punch over its shoulder into the face of the second of them, who in turn fell back just in time for Jay to kick the third of them in the ribs. That is, assuming that it had ribs.
As the Drug-Dealing Duo dealt with a few trash-talking demons, a nearby vampire by the name of Jonathan watched, hoping that the two would be injured and, thus, make an easy meal. His eyes moved with the motions, watching the quick punches and kicks of the humans, and the drunken, sloppy blocks of the demons. "Well, shit." He muttered to himself. "Those two idiots are winning." And it was true, for there were already two demons on the ground, though it was unsure if they had left consciousness because alcohol invited or that fists insists.
His eyes moved past Jay and Silent Bob, and to an ape on a bar stool behind them. He smirked, thinking that it was rare in these parts. His master might have use for such a creature, for his master was often performing some ritual or another. John mad his way quietly around the small brawl, and over to the bar. He walked over to the chimp, and she looked up at him in interest.
"Well, hey there," he said picking her up.
"Hey, bitch, get yo hands off my monkey!" Jay shouted at the vampire, and just as he started moving towards the bloodsucker, Kefroll took a chair and broke it over Jay's head.
Jonathan quickly made his way out of the bar, carrying Suzanne away with him, and Buffy, having noticed the participants of the fight, helped end the fight. 'End,' of course meaning 'knock the shit out of the other guys.'
"Guys, are you alright?" She asked, helping Jay up after it was over.
Bob nodded yes, and Jay muttered something, but a 'fine' could be distinguished in the rambling.
"What happened?" She asked.
"He took Suzanne!" Jay shouted.
Buffy looked confused. "These guys aren't taking anyone, anywhere."
"Naw, not these fucks, this other guy." Jay shouted, rubbing the back of his head.
Buffy looked at a nearby waitress, who had been watching and enjoying the brawl. "Did you see someone go near the monkey?" She asked them.
The woman seemed amicable and helpful enough. "Yeah, he's a vampire by the name of Jonathan. He's a dick-head sometimes, barely tips, if anything. He hangs with a troop at some pretty fancy digs, just south of town." The waitress looked around, mainly at the mess she'd have to clean up. "Kick his ass, will ya?" She muttered in a jaded tone before wandering off.
"Ah, shit man," Jay shouted. "Man, who the fuck just steals a Monkey?"
Bob looked at Jay in yet another instance of amazement at just how stupid his friend could be.
"A vampire." Buffy muttered. "That can't be good." At this, bob looked confused, and Buffy explained. "Well, chances are a vampire wouldn't eat a monkey, but they don't exactly keep pets either. Chances are he plans to use her as a sacrifice or," She trailed off, looking at a wide eyed Bob, "part of her, anyway."
She moved to his side, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry Bob." He spoke reassuringly to him, and she looked into his now frightened and saddened face. "We'll save her. They wouldn't do anything right away. I mean, it's not as if they could have planned this. We'll have time save her." He smiled in a reassured manner, and she smirked in a conspiratorial fashion. "After all, I owe you big already." She smiled in a devilish little way that only women are capable of, and leaned in to kiss Bob in a quick peck on the cheek.
She moved off to the door, and Jay moved to the table of the demons that he had just defeated and pilfered one of their beers, but Bob merely stood still in shock. Fore he had just found that a kiss from Buffy Summers left something to be desired -- The rest of her.
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So, how did you like it? Give me a yell if you did or didn't. Just Review, damn you! ::Shakes fist in an old-timer fashion:: Ah, well, I'm sorry again about the long delays, and I'm not making any promises about the next one being soon, But I've committed myself to finishing this, so just keep checking and I'll eventually get it all out.
Love, Snoogans, and Keep It Real.
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Chapter 9
Blood, Violence, And Monkey Theft.
"Really guys, you probably don't want to come along on this sort of thing. I've done this sort of thing before, and it might make things difficult if there's too many of us." Buffy spoke over her shoulder, with a look on her face nearly as dark as the black leather jacket ensemble she wore. She spoke, of course, to Jay and Silent Bob, who followed a few feet behind. Where they were headed to was unknown to these two, though the leader of this quartet was well informed.
No, I am not mixing up my words, this group was in fact a quartet, the fourth member of the little group merely rode on Bobs back.
"You might have at least wanted to leave Suzanne behind." Buffy finished.
"Lady, you aint got no idea how many times Suzanne's come in handy." Jay muttered mysteriously.
They followed her in silence for several minutes, which in itself was odd for Jay. Usually the only moments of silence around him involved Malt beverage and Masturbation, and even then not totally. They moved down a street lined with less than savory looking businesses until coming to a Bar with a large sign outside called Willy's. Jay snickered after reading, and gestured to Bob, making a passing reference about a gay bar.
Buffy stopped before entering, turned to them, and spoke in a warning tone of voice. "Listen, um, there are some rather weird people in there, and I'd rather just get in and get out quick. They know me here, and chances are they wont start anything with me. I wont need your help with Willy, so you guys just try to go in and blend in for a few minutes. Try not to draw attention to yourselves." She turned from them and entered the bar, leaving the other two to look suspiciously to each other.
Jay turned and spoke to Bob. "Alright Lunchbox, just remember, we goes in and act cool Remember, Incognito." They nodded to each other in an exaggerated way and entered. When they walked in, they saw that Buffy was already standing at the bar, speaking with the bartender. Jay looked around and motioned for Bob to follow him as the went and stood at one end of the bar.
On their way, Jay moved around one rather large ugly creature, completely oblivious that it was in fact, a Mek-Fayron demon, and accidentally bumped into a sitting vampire just as it was taking a drink of it's beverage. The impact made the Vampire spill blood all over itself, much to it's dislike.
As Bob walked the other way around the large Mek-Fayron, he moved a chair out of his path rather quickly with his foot. Not having paid much attention to the effort, he didn't notice as it tipped and fell. It landed on the tail of a rather agitated Grethrok, who took none too kindly to the annoyance. Bob also seemed to trip somewhat in a mis-balanced action, and bumped into the back of the Mek-Fayron.
Bob righted himself and Jay walked to words the bar uninterrupted, and as the Mek-Fayron turned to see Bob, it noticed that the Grethrok was also turning menacingly and swiping a chair around with its tail. Seeing as the Mek-Fayron was looking that direction, it didn't see the angered Vampire standing up behind it. The Fayron assumed that the Grethrok had pushed Bob, who it let go, into it, and the Vampire assumed that the Fayron had shoved it. As Bob reached the bar, the trio attempted to reach for each others throats, making a large display of the violence. Jay and Silent Bob, however responsible they were, were neither involved nor aware of the fight. Their complete obliviousness to danger seemed to make it so discouraged that it gave up and went away.
A demon with extremely too much orange skin had witnessed the event and spoke to the two gentlemen. "Huh, you guys are all kinds of interesting. New in town?"
"Yeah." Jay answered. "We're with her." He finished, motioning to Buffy.
The demons expression changed very slightly. "The Slayer? Figures. Well, why don't you just do us all a favor and just stand there and be quiet." He looked to the two of them seriously, than pointed to Bob, "Especially you." before walking away.
Bob looked confused for a moment, and Jay chuckled to himself, "Dude, that's pretty funny, yo."
They stood there without incident for a few moments, and Buffy spoke with the oily-headed Bartender. "Alright Willy, we need to talk."
He looked at her with an expression that, at a glance, would make one think of some kind of trapped mouse. But if one were to see his eyes, you would see that he was only about as truly afraid as a mouse that was trapped by an anteater. "Slayer," He began in an obviously too loud tone. "I thought I convinced you last time that All the blood I get is clean. I get it legally. Maybe not morally, but,"
"Shut up, Willy." She cut him off, acting out her part in this little charade. "I need some information."
"Aw, come on Slayer, you know I can't do that." Willy said loudly, shifty eyes scanning the room of demons. They were watching to see if he would give any of them up so easily.
"There's this whole legal confidentiality thing. Anything said between a person and his bartender is privileged information." He smirked, and Buffy looked menacingly at him.
"What channel do you think you're on, Willy, 'cause this isn't 'The Practice'?" She said, leaning forward slightly and spoke under her breath. "Am I gonna have to hit you?"
He whispered under his breath to her. "No, they started wondering why my nose never bleeds."
"Hands?" She asked quietly.
"Yeah." He whispered. "Say, Slayer, why don't you just sit down, have a drink, and take a night off. I'm sure that everyone would prefer that." He said, speaking loudly again. He grabbed a bottle beer and placed it on the bar between them. "On the house." He said in a sarcastic way, leaning with his hands on the bar.
She looked almost to be considering the offer as she picked up the bottle, but everyone who was watching knew of Willy's 'mistake' just before she slammed the bottle down on his hand. He pretended to shout out in pain, or at least she thought he pretended.
"Let's start again, shall we?" She said.
"I don't know anything Slayer." He said, wincing in pain.
She twisted the bottle, pushing down even harder, and he shouted again. "Are you sure?"
"Alright, alright, what is it?" He shouted, and she let him go. "Jesus, Slayer, that really hurt!" He whispered, now cradling the hand.
"Sorry about that." she whispered. She continued. "I need to know about a vampire troop."
"Yeah, like we don't have many of those around here." He muttered.
"I need to know about a troop that was shipping something into town."
While Buffy and the local business proprietor discussed their little matter, Jay and Silent Bob stood rather bored , Jay glancing around the room, Bob glancing over at Buffy. His eyes popped a bit at the bottle incident, but he stood his ground. A waitress walked over and asked if they would like anything to drink.
"What'll ya have?" She asked.
"How 'bout two beers, Flo? And why don't you kiss my grits, nee-ooch." Jay spoke. She walked off shaking her head, and the dumb-assed duo both turned at a rather loud laughing gentle man who sat a table nearby.
"And so he says 'If I might add, that is a fine looking spore you are raising.'" At which the whole table of scaly yellow beings roared in laughter.
The duo looked at each other and listened closer, hearing another of the group speak to him. "That's a good one Kefroll!"
Jay and Silent Bob heard this, and looked wide eyed and shocked at each other. Bob set Suzanne down on a bar stool, and they walked over to the sitting fellow, and Bob tapped him on the shoulder.
"Yeah, what is it?" He asked.
"Is your name Kefroll?" Jay asked.
"Yeah." He answered.
"Do you sign on to 'MoviePoopshoot.com' as Lord_Kefroll?" Jay asked.
"Yeah."
Bob pulled a thick stack of papers out of his overcoat and pointed to a point, a look of outright ire on his face. Jay continued. "Did you post, quote 'Jay and Silent Bob are two walking, talking gay jokes. I was watching the movie for all of five minutes when I shouted that it was already gayer than Sparticus. I would like to break my foot off in their asses if there weren't already body parts up there.'?"
If Kefroll hadn't have had so much to drink, he probably would have seen the looks on their faces as he said "Yeah."
He definitely would have seen the punch coming. Maybe not the kick that followed.
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Giles walked along the interior of the store, placing a few items in the correct spaces on the wall. He came across a rather large gentleman starring silently at a Lernazian Mural, and looked at the fellow. The tall man starred intensely at the picture and Giles felt prompted to speak.
"That is not a magic eye poster." Giles said timidly, At which the gentleman scowled angrily at him and left the store.
"Bloody customers..." Giles muttered, following the man to the door to lock up for the night. After flipping the open sign, he looked out over the store and muttered to himself. "Right..." He looked rather unsure of what he was doing. "Yes, on to that research." At this point he scurried on to his desk and collection of books. He collected a few volumes that he believed might hold some relevant information and brought them to the main table. He sat with the first text, searching for useful portions, until Willow, Anya, and Xander arrived. Willow and Xander were conversing about some foolish matter, and Anya went to prepare a pot of coffee for the long evening.
"All I'm say," Willow began, "Is that it's an obvious reference to magic, and how it brings all kinds of badness when it's misused."
Xander shook his head. "Well if that's true, than explain this; They say that there used to be a whole lot of the practitioners, but they were wiped out in a war. What's that supposed to mean?" He smirked as he leaned back.
"That's an obvious comparison to early Christians oppressing early magic users, and people like the popes persecuting them." Willow said matter of factly. "And the fact that they are almost all portrayed as men is just another show of sex-biased. Straight men running the show, as always." She muttered.
"Oh come on Will," Xander said, leaning forward again with a larger smirk on his face, "The entire things an obvious attack on modern religion. The last one shows that much."
Giles, who had been trying his hardest not to hear any of this, grimaced at the piece of tripe that was about to come out of Xanders mouth. Willow gave Xander a smirk combined with a raised eyebrow, which seemed more efficient than any verbal response. "No, seriously!" He stuttered. "Who's running the show in the first three?" He asked, obviously knowing the answer but wanting her to think for a second. "Vader, no! The emperor, Vader is the right hand man. And they are both practitioners of the force, albeit the dark side, which you said yourself is just basically religion." He was pointing half-hazardly at her now to emphasize his point, and talking in a semi-rant-ish tone. "So what you have there is an empire run by the darker elements of a powerful religion, which is in essence a theocracy. A government under the thumb of the more unsavory elements of a religious body." He smiled, seeming to have made his point, "So Luke, Han and Leia are fighting to save the world from what is, in essence, the darker side of the Holy mother Church." He leaned back in a seldom found intellectual victory, and quickly snapped back forward when he remembered something. "And the last two movies show it even more! Oh yeah, the all-powerful child of prophecy has to go into the desert to kill the sand people to save the virgin mother. Yeah, there's nothing Christian about that!" He stopped to take a sip of the coffee Anya had set down for him during his rant. Giles took this break in the madness to rub his forehead. "And don't you start with that 'Straight-Man' B.S., either." Xander said, picking up a book from the stack in the middle of the table. "'Luke, your father left this for you.' Yeah, it just happens to be four foot long and shaped like a dick." The sarcasm in the statement violated several health codes, and was probably a fire hazard.
Just as Anya's eyes began to glaze over in the visualization of what Xander just said, Giles spoke, "Instead of making me ill, could one of you possibly help me?" The four of them each took their books and began looking for items of interest, and after a few minutes Giles finished looking in his with little success. In the moment of thought before he got a new book, he asked a few questions of the others. "So, what do you think of these two fellows, Jay and Bob?"
Willow looked up from her book with an expression that showed that, though a great many words wanted to be spoken, none seemed to have permission. Suitably enough, the only adjective which passed her lips was 'Odd.'
Xander smiled. "Yeah, those guys are great. Funny guys. A little weird though. They got too much 'herbs' in their system, if you ask me," Xander muttered this with a smirk, "But they're alright. I heard some of their stories the other night. Man, they deserve a T.V. show or something." Xander had said this last part in an offhand manner, though Giles didn't seem to think it all that brilliant of an idea.
"Oh yes," Giles spoke, not even having opened the book yet, "A television program on which a pair of young men go about drinking, doing drugs, and spouting horrible jokes, mainly revolving around homosexuality and bodily functions, all the while gallivanting around on barbiturate inspired misadventures." Giles said all of this, taking off his glasses, and looking at Xander with incredulity in his eyes. "Oh, come now, Xander. Who would waste an hour watching that?"
At this point, the four people sitting at he the table merely starred off in the general direction of the cash register. Giles, still holding his glasses in his hand, starred with a dull, unhappy glare, while Anya and Willow seemed to shake their heads with almost sad looks. Xanders head bounces up and down in a wide grinned chuckle.
After a few moment, They return to their regularly scheduled activities, and continued the banter.
"Well, I'm quite pleased that they have come along." Giles said, placing his glasses back on. "They certainly seem to have a knack for getting you lot out of trouble."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
As Kefroll fell to the ground, Jay and Silent Bob stood over him. "Fuck, yeah!" Jay shouted, "You talk shit about us, and Bikity Bam! Your ass is toast!" They looked up towards each other, and turned to walk away. "Damn, Silent Bob, I didn't even think we'd find one'a them mother fucka's here, but we schooled his ass, Reynolds-style!"
They started walking away, when Kefroll stood up behind them. "Bitch, you're schoolin No one!" He shouted.
"Oh, an what you think your gonna do here, Bi-atch!" Jay shouted over his shoulder.
At this, the others who had been sitting with Kefroll at the table, all six of them, stood up, in a rather cliqueic-Bar-room style. Jay looked over his shoulder, as did Bob, and Jay muttered. "The whole fuck'n worlds out to get us, Silent Bob, I swear ta God!"
They turned around just in time to kick the knees of the first of them in his advance. He fell just in time for Bob to throw a punch over its shoulder into the face of the second of them, who in turn fell back just in time for Jay to kick the third of them in the ribs. That is, assuming that it had ribs.
As the Drug-Dealing Duo dealt with a few trash-talking demons, a nearby vampire by the name of Jonathan watched, hoping that the two would be injured and, thus, make an easy meal. His eyes moved with the motions, watching the quick punches and kicks of the humans, and the drunken, sloppy blocks of the demons. "Well, shit." He muttered to himself. "Those two idiots are winning." And it was true, for there were already two demons on the ground, though it was unsure if they had left consciousness because alcohol invited or that fists insists.
His eyes moved past Jay and Silent Bob, and to an ape on a bar stool behind them. He smirked, thinking that it was rare in these parts. His master might have use for such a creature, for his master was often performing some ritual or another. John mad his way quietly around the small brawl, and over to the bar. He walked over to the chimp, and she looked up at him in interest.
"Well, hey there," he said picking her up.
"Hey, bitch, get yo hands off my monkey!" Jay shouted at the vampire, and just as he started moving towards the bloodsucker, Kefroll took a chair and broke it over Jay's head.
Jonathan quickly made his way out of the bar, carrying Suzanne away with him, and Buffy, having noticed the participants of the fight, helped end the fight. 'End,' of course meaning 'knock the shit out of the other guys.'
"Guys, are you alright?" She asked, helping Jay up after it was over.
Bob nodded yes, and Jay muttered something, but a 'fine' could be distinguished in the rambling.
"What happened?" She asked.
"He took Suzanne!" Jay shouted.
Buffy looked confused. "These guys aren't taking anyone, anywhere."
"Naw, not these fucks, this other guy." Jay shouted, rubbing the back of his head.
Buffy looked at a nearby waitress, who had been watching and enjoying the brawl. "Did you see someone go near the monkey?" She asked them.
The woman seemed amicable and helpful enough. "Yeah, he's a vampire by the name of Jonathan. He's a dick-head sometimes, barely tips, if anything. He hangs with a troop at some pretty fancy digs, just south of town." The waitress looked around, mainly at the mess she'd have to clean up. "Kick his ass, will ya?" She muttered in a jaded tone before wandering off.
"Ah, shit man," Jay shouted. "Man, who the fuck just steals a Monkey?"
Bob looked at Jay in yet another instance of amazement at just how stupid his friend could be.
"A vampire." Buffy muttered. "That can't be good." At this, bob looked confused, and Buffy explained. "Well, chances are a vampire wouldn't eat a monkey, but they don't exactly keep pets either. Chances are he plans to use her as a sacrifice or," She trailed off, looking at a wide eyed Bob, "part of her, anyway."
She moved to his side, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry Bob." He spoke reassuringly to him, and she looked into his now frightened and saddened face. "We'll save her. They wouldn't do anything right away. I mean, it's not as if they could have planned this. We'll have time save her." He smiled in a reassured manner, and she smirked in a conspiratorial fashion. "After all, I owe you big already." She smiled in a devilish little way that only women are capable of, and leaned in to kiss Bob in a quick peck on the cheek.
She moved off to the door, and Jay moved to the table of the demons that he had just defeated and pilfered one of their beers, but Bob merely stood still in shock. Fore he had just found that a kiss from Buffy Summers left something to be desired -- The rest of her.
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So, how did you like it? Give me a yell if you did or didn't. Just Review, damn you! ::Shakes fist in an old-timer fashion:: Ah, well, I'm sorry again about the long delays, and I'm not making any promises about the next one being soon, But I've committed myself to finishing this, so just keep checking and I'll eventually get it all out.
Love, Snoogans, and Keep It Real.