Part 11: Vague recollections
The proceeding weeks that followed, the snow had thickened the grounds and the air in the surroundings had considerably chilled to freeze most bodies of water near Kyoto. But the growing coldness is nothing compared to Soujiro's sudden aloofness to his relationship with Misao. He starts to talk less and less to her, and sometimes he tried to avoid getting too close and personal. If she will lean to his shoulder, he will automatically move away and say he is going to run an errand. And these days, he rarely goes to her room and shared the one with Sanosuke instead. She will bring up the topic of the baby, and he'll quickly try to divert the conversation.
One day she can't take it anymore, and tried to ask her guardian Okina if he could do anything about it.
"I think he does not wish to remember, and it haunts him."
"About what?"
"His past,"
"But he come of terms with it does he? In fact, he said that he remembered already." She spoke, and Okina couldn't help but feel a small pang of guilt on lying to her. He indirectly agreed when Soujiro made the alibi, as if some telepathic notion, they have to do it for the benefit of Misao. They want to keep their own little situation between them a secret.
"Well, sometimes people like that do ponder.why don't you try talking to him? To know what really on his mind?"
"I'll try that later"
That later happens to be after dinner, he usually hangs out with Misao by the porch at night time but he instead went directly into his room. Sanosuke noted that something strange is going on with him, "Do you think he actually recalled his memory? He has been acting like that in weeks!" he spoke of this as everyone else got up from dinner, with only Okina left in the room.
"I think Misao will try to talk to him this night. Then we would know."
"Why don't you tell her the truth then?" he replied, whispering low. "The fact he haven't recalled even YET anything!"
"Maybe that's what bothering him right now, we just have to wait."
"Are you trying to protect him, or Misao? Look old man, I hate to say this.but I know you are doing him a favor just to see Misao happy. But she can't live with that notion forever, it's a lie. Her safety what comes, first.even if the truth hurts." Okina never imagined on earth that Sanosuke would speak with such wit and sense someday; he gave him a studious gaze and stroked his white beard. "You know Sanosuke, there is a saying.keep your friends close, but your enemies even much closer.we are not yet sure if he is friend or foe. We cannot jump to suspicions yet; even if there is credible evidence with us.there is a missing link of what happened to him that night that we could never guess unless a witness would show up."
"Such as?"
"A partner in crime perhaps, we can't say the tragedy that has befallen us oniwabanshus is a doing of a one person. There should be an accomplice."
"If THERE is an accomplice." He muttered, "Old man, how can you figure that Soujiro will recall his memory.and that is not what is happening now?"
"An overwhelming emotional situation possibly, one factor of the senses can affect the memory. I think he would admit to it easily, he longed to know of his past anyway. " Okina glanced at Sanosuke, in the dim light one can see clearly the emotions that played in his features. As since most of the household has cleaned up and have gone for the rest, most of the area is dark and only the candles can bear witness to one's expression and the small talk grew from few minutes to hours. Unmistakably, even with his fainting eye sight, Okina could tell that Sanosuke's face has a color of a tomato and he can tell it does not come from the light.
"I see you are very sensitive in the situation with Misao, but clues and leads could not just fall from the sky, Sanosuke. You can't solve the puzzle by your own, if that's what you are thinking. Everyone is also trying their best to help her."
** "I have a sister." He said, in an almost inaudible voice.
Okina feels a bit surprised, "Well, then it's good to hear you have a family. I don't see this have to."
"She is also almost Misao's age; they are similar to each other in some way." He continued, "I have been doing a lot of thinking, what had happened to Misao, could also happen to my sister. If there is one thing I could do to bring her at peace, is find that bastard who did it. And I'm not going to dally around and watch to see my kid sister in pain.just like what Aoshi did!"
"I know what you exactly feel, Sanosuke. Misao seems like a sister to you also. Aoshi have his reasons in doing it, do we know what those reasons are? No. But I'm not telling you that I'm not giving up. We need patience,"
"Hmph, tell me about it."
"Just keep yourself alert, that's what matters for now"
Misao kept to herself in her room, noticing it would be morning by the time Sanosuke and Okina would be finished with their conversation. She then heard light brushing footsteps from outside, and peeked at the small crack of her door. The darkness of the corridor is enough to mask anyone's features, but she can see the familiar figure slip silently from the porch to the other room, blowing the small dwindling light from a lamp before going in. It was in few minutes, but she recognized who it was enough, and it is Soujiro.
And he is alone; it would be perfect for her to confront him. She tiptoed out her room, and wait until she hears sounds of ruffling sheets settles in before she could stalk down the entrance with watchful steps of stealth and grace of what has taught for her in being a ninja. Once in, she tried to make out a small bob of black hair in a cot, focusing to crawl into that direction without any noise.
For a slightly troubled Soujiro these days, he seems to be so peacefully asleep, Misao thought. Then an odd scent blended to the cold air and whiffed to her nostrils, it seems to drift from him awhile ago. If she's not mistaken, it's Sake. He had been drinking? The Soujiro she knew NEVER ever drink liquor, even if it calls for special occasions. But also answers her question, why such a bothered man like him ever gets to sleep so soundly. The alcohol acts as a temporary sedative to numb your senses for a moment to forget problems and lull you to la la land. Cursing under her breath at the scent, she can feel her heart pounding in every inch she nears. Soujiro is a prodigy in his own field, and even in his state.even a slight sound could probably alert him. Her heart is pounding with such strong deafening erratic beat and her shallow breathing seem to echo, probably so loud that Soujiro might wake up and tell her to slow it. But when she realized that her small hands and knees have touched the cot's blanket and her face is just inches away from the black bob of hair peeking out of the covers, she felt success. Soujiro cannot escape her in a conversation, not now that she has finally caught him to the element of surprise.
Before she could pull the cover of his face, comes to the sudden REAL surprise. Next thing she knows is the cover suddenly has life of its own and is thrown against her. She struggled to get out, and before she knew it, it's pulled away only to greet nose to nose with a gleaming tip of a sword. It was Soujiro, kneeling down, his sword poised with the tip and his eye's gaze unwavering.train to the sight of darkness, and to the sight of the stalker. His dark expression broke when it comes to realization, on which it was.
"Misao!" he gasped, not expecting the surprise. He quickly drops his sword, when the sight of her wide emerald orbs was staring in him full of disbelief and in shock; her face lost having lost its color. Misao is not expecting such a hostile greeting, and Soujiro noted that she looks. very terrified, when she saw him pointing the sword almost to her throat. "No, wait! Don't go!" he breathed deeply, quickly gripping her wrist just as she was about to scamper away, bitterness written to her small face.
"W-what's wrong with you, Soujiro?" she whispered, a resentment lying underneath the tone of her voice. She is facing him, but he can't look up. She wants to demand on what's going on, to shake him at the collar to what he almost did. Why would he think someone is about to kill him? Is there some terrible secret he is starting to hide? For over the months, she thought she have gotten to know him.and that point on they become more than friends, they become lovers. "I-I'm sorry," is what he could all say, sighing deeply then finally looking up at her. She looks very disappointed, yet he doesn't want her to get hurt because of him. He finds himself giving up, and it's about time he really has to talk to her: seriously. He squeezes her palm very tight, and motioned her to sit beside him. "Please stay," he pleaded, "..and listen to me."
Soujiro told what he doesn't have the strength to bring up to before; he told her he couldn't live anymore as a lie. He lost his memory.and that is until now. The faces and the names he is familiar with, is when Yuri's mother retrieved his file and he studied it deeply, hoping he'll grow to know a part of himself eventually. The only thing he recalls is her face and the brief sojourn with her at the inn before everything faded into oblivion. Afraid that his coincidental loss of recollection has somehow deeply rooted some suspicious involvement with Misao's past trauma, and when Okina pointed out the similarities he became wary and afraid.that he is not seemingly the man she thought he is, and that he is what she feared him to be.
So it came as a surprise when, after he finished his whole confession, that Misao suddenly threw her arms around him and gave him a long passionate, breath-taking kiss.
"N-Nani kore? No!" albeit astounded and dazed, he managed to lightly tear his mouth from hers and but Misao proved that he is the much stubborn of the two, and managed to pin him down the cot beneath hers. Now, he was the one caught in the element of surprise. It is not a reaction he is expecting to be having, she could slap him and walk away.but this?
"Aishiteru." she whispered, their faces inches away, hidden both at the merged blackness, with only the warm moist breaths to indicate their closeness. " I loved you so much, that it hurts."
"Anou.what do you mean."
"Soujiro, you just told me the only thing you remember is our encounter at the inn."
Fragments of that episode, yes. It's the only jewel and the reason why he wants to look back to his past.
"Hai,"
"For there must be a good reason, I thank the merciful Buddha, for having you not only once but twice in saving my life. Both of us, we are there in a right time and right place. Even in difficult circumstances, you managed to be there and encourage me that life is worth living. You gave me the reason that everything would be all right, that things could work out. That happened before and after..and it still feels the same. Just being with you, I know I'll be protected no matter what. You are not THAT madman Soujiro. With him, there is nothing but blind cold rage. You have no reason to do that to me, for why should you." Since he can't see in the dark, he felt a weird tingle behind his neck when he felt, as she talks, her fingers brushing lightly to his lips.
But still, he was so impressed, hearing those words from her. Even if the events had made her a different woman, she still has that inner spark. She shifted her mass somehow, that he managed to sit up. She continued, "So it hurts, that suddenly the man I know who helped me to get over the most sensitive stages of my life, suddenly becoming so cold for such reason."
"For I don't know where to start at first," he said, feeling quite sorry for himself.
"You do love me, Soujiro?"
"Misao, I always do. You know that. I won't let anything bad happen."
"If you do, promise me to tell your secrets. I'll surely find a way to understand."
Soujiro found that the pressing weight moved closer again, almost suffocating him. He wondered what got Misao so heavy, and he nearly forgot she was pregnant. This time, she just snuggled to him like a cat and rest within his arms. In a short few minutes time, she is fast asleep. He can't carry her back to her room, and instead decided to sleep just like that, with her huddled closed to him. She fully trusted him, and became so close during that months time.that she can't bear of the idea letting him go or at least let a minor "amnesia" get into her way. Even with that disappointment, she managed to cope and understand it.
It's there he realized, that Misao needed him more than ever.
He first starts to wonder what on Buddha's name made him suggested the idea of marriage at the first place, well at least a month ago. Now he is taking back his words, he is not ready. Not yet ready, knowing that there is this empty space that even with all the love and the sweet memories he have with the people in the household, can't even give back. He have to find what is there before, even though he have an ominous feeling it is not good.
It's silly promising the only woman he loved, knowing he isn't sure if he can't keep it. Beneath her tomboyish attitude and the stubbornness, she is a vulnerable broken little girl shaped from the bad events that happened in her young life, and looking for someone to comfort her. That is what she needs, having the only trusted guardian she loves died under mysterious circumstances, Misao learned to trust and like Soujiro. They were both of almost the same age, both having there share of their own pasts, so it's easy for each other to relate with. Marriage first entered to him as something alien, for it's among the last thing on earth he had planned in doing. But he realized that Misao is carrying a baby without a father, so he took the idea out of sympathy. Eventually, it dawned to him that how he longed to have such peaceful quiet life, that how much she needed him.and its more than sympathy. He also grew to also acknowledge the baby as his own. He then knew he wants to marry her because he felt love. The warmness that she shared with him, even with the absence of his recollection, is something he can't remember experiencing even before. And he should be thankful, as a wise man once had said: The greatest thing in the world is to love, and be loved in return.
Then he shut his eyes, finally taking himself to sleep with Misao still nestled in his arms. She was somehow right, he couldn't think of a reason why his nameless self could be the same mad man that ruined her.all he has of her is a singled out memory, and it was a good one. The torn kimono, the scar.he could just hope it's a setup by someone who hates him.
He made out his mind; all that matters now is the present.and the future,
"It's no use of holding the past anymore,"
Note: ** (asterixs under one of Sano's conversations) It is told to me that Sanosuke has a sister in the manga, I don't know it that's true or NOT.but anyway, I placed her here to make the story..mushy ^_^
The proceeding weeks that followed, the snow had thickened the grounds and the air in the surroundings had considerably chilled to freeze most bodies of water near Kyoto. But the growing coldness is nothing compared to Soujiro's sudden aloofness to his relationship with Misao. He starts to talk less and less to her, and sometimes he tried to avoid getting too close and personal. If she will lean to his shoulder, he will automatically move away and say he is going to run an errand. And these days, he rarely goes to her room and shared the one with Sanosuke instead. She will bring up the topic of the baby, and he'll quickly try to divert the conversation.
One day she can't take it anymore, and tried to ask her guardian Okina if he could do anything about it.
"I think he does not wish to remember, and it haunts him."
"About what?"
"His past,"
"But he come of terms with it does he? In fact, he said that he remembered already." She spoke, and Okina couldn't help but feel a small pang of guilt on lying to her. He indirectly agreed when Soujiro made the alibi, as if some telepathic notion, they have to do it for the benefit of Misao. They want to keep their own little situation between them a secret.
"Well, sometimes people like that do ponder.why don't you try talking to him? To know what really on his mind?"
"I'll try that later"
That later happens to be after dinner, he usually hangs out with Misao by the porch at night time but he instead went directly into his room. Sanosuke noted that something strange is going on with him, "Do you think he actually recalled his memory? He has been acting like that in weeks!" he spoke of this as everyone else got up from dinner, with only Okina left in the room.
"I think Misao will try to talk to him this night. Then we would know."
"Why don't you tell her the truth then?" he replied, whispering low. "The fact he haven't recalled even YET anything!"
"Maybe that's what bothering him right now, we just have to wait."
"Are you trying to protect him, or Misao? Look old man, I hate to say this.but I know you are doing him a favor just to see Misao happy. But she can't live with that notion forever, it's a lie. Her safety what comes, first.even if the truth hurts." Okina never imagined on earth that Sanosuke would speak with such wit and sense someday; he gave him a studious gaze and stroked his white beard. "You know Sanosuke, there is a saying.keep your friends close, but your enemies even much closer.we are not yet sure if he is friend or foe. We cannot jump to suspicions yet; even if there is credible evidence with us.there is a missing link of what happened to him that night that we could never guess unless a witness would show up."
"Such as?"
"A partner in crime perhaps, we can't say the tragedy that has befallen us oniwabanshus is a doing of a one person. There should be an accomplice."
"If THERE is an accomplice." He muttered, "Old man, how can you figure that Soujiro will recall his memory.and that is not what is happening now?"
"An overwhelming emotional situation possibly, one factor of the senses can affect the memory. I think he would admit to it easily, he longed to know of his past anyway. " Okina glanced at Sanosuke, in the dim light one can see clearly the emotions that played in his features. As since most of the household has cleaned up and have gone for the rest, most of the area is dark and only the candles can bear witness to one's expression and the small talk grew from few minutes to hours. Unmistakably, even with his fainting eye sight, Okina could tell that Sanosuke's face has a color of a tomato and he can tell it does not come from the light.
"I see you are very sensitive in the situation with Misao, but clues and leads could not just fall from the sky, Sanosuke. You can't solve the puzzle by your own, if that's what you are thinking. Everyone is also trying their best to help her."
** "I have a sister." He said, in an almost inaudible voice.
Okina feels a bit surprised, "Well, then it's good to hear you have a family. I don't see this have to."
"She is also almost Misao's age; they are similar to each other in some way." He continued, "I have been doing a lot of thinking, what had happened to Misao, could also happen to my sister. If there is one thing I could do to bring her at peace, is find that bastard who did it. And I'm not going to dally around and watch to see my kid sister in pain.just like what Aoshi did!"
"I know what you exactly feel, Sanosuke. Misao seems like a sister to you also. Aoshi have his reasons in doing it, do we know what those reasons are? No. But I'm not telling you that I'm not giving up. We need patience,"
"Hmph, tell me about it."
"Just keep yourself alert, that's what matters for now"
Misao kept to herself in her room, noticing it would be morning by the time Sanosuke and Okina would be finished with their conversation. She then heard light brushing footsteps from outside, and peeked at the small crack of her door. The darkness of the corridor is enough to mask anyone's features, but she can see the familiar figure slip silently from the porch to the other room, blowing the small dwindling light from a lamp before going in. It was in few minutes, but she recognized who it was enough, and it is Soujiro.
And he is alone; it would be perfect for her to confront him. She tiptoed out her room, and wait until she hears sounds of ruffling sheets settles in before she could stalk down the entrance with watchful steps of stealth and grace of what has taught for her in being a ninja. Once in, she tried to make out a small bob of black hair in a cot, focusing to crawl into that direction without any noise.
For a slightly troubled Soujiro these days, he seems to be so peacefully asleep, Misao thought. Then an odd scent blended to the cold air and whiffed to her nostrils, it seems to drift from him awhile ago. If she's not mistaken, it's Sake. He had been drinking? The Soujiro she knew NEVER ever drink liquor, even if it calls for special occasions. But also answers her question, why such a bothered man like him ever gets to sleep so soundly. The alcohol acts as a temporary sedative to numb your senses for a moment to forget problems and lull you to la la land. Cursing under her breath at the scent, she can feel her heart pounding in every inch she nears. Soujiro is a prodigy in his own field, and even in his state.even a slight sound could probably alert him. Her heart is pounding with such strong deafening erratic beat and her shallow breathing seem to echo, probably so loud that Soujiro might wake up and tell her to slow it. But when she realized that her small hands and knees have touched the cot's blanket and her face is just inches away from the black bob of hair peeking out of the covers, she felt success. Soujiro cannot escape her in a conversation, not now that she has finally caught him to the element of surprise.
Before she could pull the cover of his face, comes to the sudden REAL surprise. Next thing she knows is the cover suddenly has life of its own and is thrown against her. She struggled to get out, and before she knew it, it's pulled away only to greet nose to nose with a gleaming tip of a sword. It was Soujiro, kneeling down, his sword poised with the tip and his eye's gaze unwavering.train to the sight of darkness, and to the sight of the stalker. His dark expression broke when it comes to realization, on which it was.
"Misao!" he gasped, not expecting the surprise. He quickly drops his sword, when the sight of her wide emerald orbs was staring in him full of disbelief and in shock; her face lost having lost its color. Misao is not expecting such a hostile greeting, and Soujiro noted that she looks. very terrified, when she saw him pointing the sword almost to her throat. "No, wait! Don't go!" he breathed deeply, quickly gripping her wrist just as she was about to scamper away, bitterness written to her small face.
"W-what's wrong with you, Soujiro?" she whispered, a resentment lying underneath the tone of her voice. She is facing him, but he can't look up. She wants to demand on what's going on, to shake him at the collar to what he almost did. Why would he think someone is about to kill him? Is there some terrible secret he is starting to hide? For over the months, she thought she have gotten to know him.and that point on they become more than friends, they become lovers. "I-I'm sorry," is what he could all say, sighing deeply then finally looking up at her. She looks very disappointed, yet he doesn't want her to get hurt because of him. He finds himself giving up, and it's about time he really has to talk to her: seriously. He squeezes her palm very tight, and motioned her to sit beside him. "Please stay," he pleaded, "..and listen to me."
Soujiro told what he doesn't have the strength to bring up to before; he told her he couldn't live anymore as a lie. He lost his memory.and that is until now. The faces and the names he is familiar with, is when Yuri's mother retrieved his file and he studied it deeply, hoping he'll grow to know a part of himself eventually. The only thing he recalls is her face and the brief sojourn with her at the inn before everything faded into oblivion. Afraid that his coincidental loss of recollection has somehow deeply rooted some suspicious involvement with Misao's past trauma, and when Okina pointed out the similarities he became wary and afraid.that he is not seemingly the man she thought he is, and that he is what she feared him to be.
So it came as a surprise when, after he finished his whole confession, that Misao suddenly threw her arms around him and gave him a long passionate, breath-taking kiss.
"N-Nani kore? No!" albeit astounded and dazed, he managed to lightly tear his mouth from hers and but Misao proved that he is the much stubborn of the two, and managed to pin him down the cot beneath hers. Now, he was the one caught in the element of surprise. It is not a reaction he is expecting to be having, she could slap him and walk away.but this?
"Aishiteru." she whispered, their faces inches away, hidden both at the merged blackness, with only the warm moist breaths to indicate their closeness. " I loved you so much, that it hurts."
"Anou.what do you mean."
"Soujiro, you just told me the only thing you remember is our encounter at the inn."
Fragments of that episode, yes. It's the only jewel and the reason why he wants to look back to his past.
"Hai,"
"For there must be a good reason, I thank the merciful Buddha, for having you not only once but twice in saving my life. Both of us, we are there in a right time and right place. Even in difficult circumstances, you managed to be there and encourage me that life is worth living. You gave me the reason that everything would be all right, that things could work out. That happened before and after..and it still feels the same. Just being with you, I know I'll be protected no matter what. You are not THAT madman Soujiro. With him, there is nothing but blind cold rage. You have no reason to do that to me, for why should you." Since he can't see in the dark, he felt a weird tingle behind his neck when he felt, as she talks, her fingers brushing lightly to his lips.
But still, he was so impressed, hearing those words from her. Even if the events had made her a different woman, she still has that inner spark. She shifted her mass somehow, that he managed to sit up. She continued, "So it hurts, that suddenly the man I know who helped me to get over the most sensitive stages of my life, suddenly becoming so cold for such reason."
"For I don't know where to start at first," he said, feeling quite sorry for himself.
"You do love me, Soujiro?"
"Misao, I always do. You know that. I won't let anything bad happen."
"If you do, promise me to tell your secrets. I'll surely find a way to understand."
Soujiro found that the pressing weight moved closer again, almost suffocating him. He wondered what got Misao so heavy, and he nearly forgot she was pregnant. This time, she just snuggled to him like a cat and rest within his arms. In a short few minutes time, she is fast asleep. He can't carry her back to her room, and instead decided to sleep just like that, with her huddled closed to him. She fully trusted him, and became so close during that months time.that she can't bear of the idea letting him go or at least let a minor "amnesia" get into her way. Even with that disappointment, she managed to cope and understand it.
It's there he realized, that Misao needed him more than ever.
He first starts to wonder what on Buddha's name made him suggested the idea of marriage at the first place, well at least a month ago. Now he is taking back his words, he is not ready. Not yet ready, knowing that there is this empty space that even with all the love and the sweet memories he have with the people in the household, can't even give back. He have to find what is there before, even though he have an ominous feeling it is not good.
It's silly promising the only woman he loved, knowing he isn't sure if he can't keep it. Beneath her tomboyish attitude and the stubbornness, she is a vulnerable broken little girl shaped from the bad events that happened in her young life, and looking for someone to comfort her. That is what she needs, having the only trusted guardian she loves died under mysterious circumstances, Misao learned to trust and like Soujiro. They were both of almost the same age, both having there share of their own pasts, so it's easy for each other to relate with. Marriage first entered to him as something alien, for it's among the last thing on earth he had planned in doing. But he realized that Misao is carrying a baby without a father, so he took the idea out of sympathy. Eventually, it dawned to him that how he longed to have such peaceful quiet life, that how much she needed him.and its more than sympathy. He also grew to also acknowledge the baby as his own. He then knew he wants to marry her because he felt love. The warmness that she shared with him, even with the absence of his recollection, is something he can't remember experiencing even before. And he should be thankful, as a wise man once had said: The greatest thing in the world is to love, and be loved in return.
Then he shut his eyes, finally taking himself to sleep with Misao still nestled in his arms. She was somehow right, he couldn't think of a reason why his nameless self could be the same mad man that ruined her.all he has of her is a singled out memory, and it was a good one. The torn kimono, the scar.he could just hope it's a setup by someone who hates him.
He made out his mind; all that matters now is the present.and the future,
"It's no use of holding the past anymore,"
Note: ** (asterixs under one of Sano's conversations) It is told to me that Sanosuke has a sister in the manga, I don't know it that's true or NOT.but anyway, I placed her here to make the story..mushy ^_^