The Waffle House Challenge
Chapter One: Muggle Studies
"Good morning, class."
The seventh years snapped to attention. "Good morning, Professor Epimetheus."
The professor smiled. "As you all know, today is your end-of-the-term exam. You will be divided into pairs and sent off into the Muggle world to obtain as many ordinary Muggle objects as you can find from a list I will give you." He moved through the room, grouping the students in twos until everyone was paired up. "Follow me. We will be reviewing the rules of this exam outside, and you will then be taking your portkeys from the lawn."
The professor turned on his heel, robes swishing, and marched out the door. The students followed after him, dutifully lining up beside their partners.
Oliver Wood grinned. He had been paired with Percy Weasley, and that meant at least two things: 1) that they were guaranteed an "A;" Percy was a stickler for rules and details, and there was no way he would settle for anything less. And 2) that by the end of the day, Oliver would know more than he would ever wanted to about the history, geography, and culture of Muggle London. Not that he hadn't been paying close attention in class . . .
The students gathered on the lawn, surrounding the professor, who was avidly flipping through a stack of glossy magazines. When everyone had arrived, he looked up. "Obviously, we can't have you running around London in wizard robes. I've done some extensive research on Muggle clothing, and I will be dressing you for the day. First, Hannah and Paul." He turned to two Hufflepuffs who looked slightly apprehensive.
"The GAP," Professor Epimetheus declared, holding up an advert, "Muggles love it! But then, I'm sure you'll find that out." He flicked his wand, and Hannah's robes were replaced by a short khaki skirt, white button-down blouse, and a long, multi-coloured striped scarf.
Hannah looked down uncertainly. "Isn't it a bit warm for a scarf?"
"Not at all! You'll fit in fine." The professor turned to Paul. "And as for you . . .." He flipped open a dubious-looking newspaper, selecting an outfit from the first page he landed on. With a flick of his wrist, Paul was left standing in a pair of dirty jeans with holes in the knees, a blue T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, and a pair of cheap plastic flip-flops.
Paul was clearly horrified. "I don't know, Professor . . .."
"Nonsense! Look at this famous Muggle talking picture star! You look just like him!"
Paul looked askance at the faded article the professor was pointing to. It was titled, "Scott Wolf Goes to the Dogs," and it featured pictures of a Muggle man – who, admittedly, did somewhat resemble Paul – completing various tasks while wearing the outfit in question: emptying a rubbage bin, eating a messy-looking sandwich, and walking down a street holding a small black box to his ear.
Once he convinced himself he had appeased Paul, Professor Epimetheus moved on to the next pair. He continued in the same fashion: choosing clothing at random and backing up his choices with full colour pictures in magazines or clothing catalogues. By the time he reached Percy and Oliver, both boys were pretty nervous.
"Let's see. . . ." The professor picked out another magazine and began turning the pages. "I know just the thing to dress our star Quidditch player in!"
Oliver closed his eyes, imagining the worst. He felt a slight tingle as his clothes changed form, and looked down. "What's this, then?!"
The professor looked pleased. "It's a uniform. All the Muggle football players wear them, see?" he shoved the photographs in Oliver's face. A group of muscular-looking Muggle men – wearing the same red and white-striped shorts and shirt as Oliver – were apparently chasing after a black and white ball about the size of a Quaffle. He vaguely remembered learning something about the Muggle sport of football, but it had seemed so boring and two-dimensional at the time that he had spent the majority of the class period devising new Quidditch strategies. He could always ask Percy, he supposed. . .
The professor turned from a dumbfounded Oliver to a suspicious Percy. These outfits didn't look quite . . . right. But who was he to argue with a professor? He glanced down at the magazine in Professor Epimetheus's hand. It was titled, "For the Boys," and the back cover featured an advert for a club called "Heaven." The professor found a page and began lifting his wand . . .
When Percy looked down, relief flooded through him. Professor Epimetheus had selected a pair of dressy black pants and a shimmery green button-down shirt. Not what I would had chosen for myself, Percy thought, but no where near as bad as what some of the others are wearing. He had to suppress a laugh as he looked at poor Alan Frasier, a Ravenclaw in a plaid skirt and knee-high socks, and Marie Atkins, another Ravenclaw, who was wearing some sort of Muggle bathing outfit that covered only slightly more than her underclothes had.
*****
Once Professor Epimetheus had finished dressing his students "like ordinary Muggles," he ushered them to the box of portkeys Professor Dumbledore had arranged for their excursion.
"Obviously, we can't all appear at one place at the same time – the Muggles would get too curious. For that reason, Professor Dumbledore and I have created portkeys that will transport a few groups at a time for about 20 minutes." He opened the box, revealing a few dozen short wooden sticks. They were all white, with flat, circular heads and stubby pointed tails. "These will be your portkeys."
One of the students – Percy wasn't sure which; his face was obscured by a black ski mask – asked what they were.
"Glad you asked! The truth is, I'm not completely sure myself." Professor Epimetheus picked one out of the box and held it up, so that everyone could see it. "I do know that Muggle businessmen love them. They have hundreds of them, and they leave them lying around all over their lawns. Any team that can tell me what it is – without asking a Muggle directly – will be rewarded ten bonus points." He replaced the portkey in the box and checked his pocket watch. "We have about ten minutes before the first portkey goes off, so I'll go ahead and explain the rest of the rules for today. It is now 9.40 am. You have exactly 12 hours to complete your exam. The portkeys are programmed to return you to Hogwarts at 10 p.m. Both members of the group must be touching the portkey to return, so you must stick together. Under no circumstances are you to use magic today. Your wands have been enchanted, and anyone who does use magic will be penalized 15 points. As you are on a school function, you will not be breaking the Decree for Underage Wizardry, but do not take that as license to do whatever you please." He reached into his robes and pulled out a stack of papers. "These are the items you must obtain. They are all ordinary Muggle items that can be found by visiting ordinary Muggle places. In short, this exam tests how well you fare as an ordinary Muggle on an ordinary Muggle day." He passed the papers around to each group. "You will receive ten points for every item you bring back. Please note item number one, 'a bag from Tesco.' I believe it will come in handy for carrying your other items."
Hannah raised her hand. "Professor? What's a 'Hawaiian shirt'?"
Professor Epimetheus clapped his hands. "So glad you asked! It's a shirt worn by Muggles when they visit Hawaii, one of the United States. I'm going there on a trip next month and I need to stock up."
Alan spoke up next, still looking slightly uncomfortable in his "Muggle clothes." "Um, Professor? How are we going to pay for all this? Muggles don't accept Knuts or Sickles or Galleons."
"Don't worry. We've thought of that as well!" Professor Epimetheus exclaimed as he conjured a large bag. "These are purses, or hand bags. Muggles use them to carry money and other interesting things. Each group will receive one, and £100 to last for the day. This should be more than enough, but you never know." He passed the purses around as well, giving Percy a small black one with a long strap.
"Sir? How do we carry these?"
The professor looked stumped for a minute, then brightened. "You can carry them around you neck, in your hand, over your shoulder – however you feel most comfortable. Just remember, some Muggles may try to take them from you, so make sure you do not put your portkey in there."
Percy draped the strap over his head, so it crossed his chest and hung loosely at his side. Oliver watched, glad it wasn't his responsibility.
After distributing the rest of the purses, Professor Epimetheus checked his watch again and shook his head. "Almost time! Well, here are your portkeys -" each group reached into the box and picked out a small wooden stick, turning it over in their hands and watching it, curiously "- now, before you go, are there any more questions?"
"Are you coming with us, Professor?"
"No. Any other questions?"
Before anyone could respond, the first pair of students disappeared.
Oliver immediately held out the stick so that Percy could touch it as well. It almost looked like they were holding hands, and both boys blushed and turned their heads, eyes downcast. After a minute, Percy felt a jerking in his stomach and instinctively closed his eyes.
*****
He opened them to see a large neon sign flashing, "LIVE! NUDE! GIRLS!"
Next to him, Oliver pocketed the portkey and smiled.
"Welcome to London."