From Sunrise To
Series: Harry Potter (MWPP years)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: JP/SB, JP/LE
Author's Comments: This fic is heavily AU, since it takes an obviously impossible turn from the books' timeline in order for Harry to have been born and for everything that happens in the 1-4 books to have actually happened. Written 12-8-02, before the release of book 5.
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The night sky was the only witness. The stars kept his secrets, the moon soaked up his confessions. Only the blackness saw, and the blackness absorbed it all.
James Potter, Sirius Black. Sitting alone on the Quidditch Pitch, two insecure boys with slim arms tightly hugging long legs, watching the sun rise.
"I don't know, Sirius." James answered his best friend. "I don't know what I'd do."
Sirius stared solemnly ahead, chin on his knees and azure eyes desperately seeking a far-off revelation on the horizon. "I know what I'd do, James." He closed his eyes, letting ebony lashes flutter still over pale cheeks. "I'd die, James. I'd die."
His best friend turned from the glorious sunrise and studied the paler boy. "You'd kill yourself? If I died? But… but why?"
Sirius couldn't look at the beautiful young man beside him. It was too hard to confess, too hard to do anything but move his lips. And yet he knew that this morning was the right time. The only time. He had to confess, he had to bare open his soul. He had kept it inside too long.
"Why?" Sirius echoed. "Why, indeed. Why do you think, James?" The boy paused for a moment, letting the expectant silence wash over him, letting his friend ponder his words.
"I'd die for you, James. But my love for you would never die."
James only stared blankly at him now, not even flinching as the first warm rays of sunrise fell across his arm and into his eyes.
Yet Sirius flinched away from the light, retreating like it stung him, melting into the shadows that cradled him. He opened his eyes, turning a pleading gaze to the handsome boy. "I love you, James. I always have. But I'm too late, aren't I?"
James made a move to speak, but Sirius stood, moving away from the sunlight, and bent to press a finger to his best friend's lips. "You already love someone else, don't you? If I had only told you sooner…" Sirius let his head drop, long ebony locks slipping down his shoulders and brushing the Gryffindor logo of his muddied Quidditch robes. "Well, I never was very good at timing, now was I, James?"
And he left, following the last trails of darkness back to the great shadow of Hogwarts, leaving his best friend and only love behind, bathed in sunlight and the revelation he had for so many years been seeking.
-----
Lily placed two well-manicured hands delicately on her hips, and puckered her full lips out, drawing her elegant eyebrows together in a severe frown. "I don't understand, James."
James sunk down lower on the plush crimson couch, pulling a pillow over his face. "I'm sorry, Lily, I just have a lot on my mind right now. I'll go with you later, I promise."
Lily flushed with anger. "That's fourth promise that you've made this week, Jamie! The other two you've broken, and the last one you have still failed to carry out!"
James removed the pillow, bolting upright, violent words erupting from his mouth. "Sod off, will you?! I'm confused, I don't know what to think, and I absolutely cannot stand to hear your bitching right now!" James continued to glare, his chest rising and falling rapidly, then he paled and shrank back as he realized what he had done. "I… I'm sorry, Lils, I didn't mean to yell at you…"
But Lily was deaf to his apologies. The anger had left her person, and was replaced with a sort of sadness. She picked up her skirts and fled, leaving a remorseful James behind.
That was the second time in one day that James had been left alone.
-----
Remus rubbed soothing circles on his friend's back, whispering words of comfort into the taller boy's ear. It was late Saturday morning, and he had been reading in the dorm when Sirius has walked in, tears streaming silently down his ashen face, and collapsed onto Remus' bed, clutching the sheets in obvious pain.
Remus had flung his book aside, and rushed to Sirius, cradling the other boy in his lap, rocking them back and forth. He had never seen Sirius cry, not once, not ever. And for him to actually seek comfort in another person was astounding; since when had Sirius quit seeking comfort in solitude?
"Hush, it's fine, stop crying, Padfoot…" Remus whispered. He had no idea what was wrong. All he knew was that the young man in his arms was sobbing now, great gulping gasps of air, choked with tears and muffled in Remus' torn and patched robes.
Sirius quieted after a few minutes, then grasped Remus' arms and looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes. "Moony… I… I've ruined it, everything, I should never have told him, I know he probably hates me now, or thinks that I'm sick… he probably can't believe that he's been my friend for so long, oh God, Moony, I don't know what to do… he hates me… he has to…"
Remus was struck with a sudden wave of incredulity. He had known for years now that Sirius loved James, had seen it in the young man's eyes, seen it in the way he talked, acted, and even smiled around his best friend. He had seen the way Sirius watched James while the smaller boy slept.
But had he known it was this great, this powerful- what could he have done? Nothing. He would have sat back and watched as Sirius' heart broke, for he knew that James loved Lily.
And now it seemed as if his friend's heart was finally breaking.
Sirius must have confessed. He must have told James how he really felt. But-
"Sirius…" Remus caught the taller boy's chin in the palm of his hand, and tilted his pale face up. "Did James tell you that he hated you? Did he tell you these things? Or did you assume them? Did you even give him a chance to respond?"
The tears still fell silently down his face, pooling in the werewolf's
cupped hand. His lips were swollen and
quivered with emotional pain. "N- no, I
left… I didn't want to… see his face…"
Remus smiled very softly, and bent to
whisper into his friend's ear. "Then you
still have a chance, don't you, Padfoot?
Go find him. Make it right
again. Either retreat and lose him, or
step forward and find out what awaits you there, be it love or the chance to
apologize."
Sirius stared at the sandy boy with a mixture of awe and dawning realization. "Moony… do you think he'd listen? Would he give me a chance?"
Remus wiped the tears from his friend's eyes. "Of course." He murmured. "Prongs is the fairest person I know, and the most understanding by far." He laughed faintly. "And far more rational than you could ever hope to be, Padfoot."
-----
James had decided to push his current worries to the back of his mind and seek out his girlfriend, feeling regretful for his rash actions against her. He couldn't have helped it, his thoughts were a jumble of confused emotions and doubts.
Since when had Sirius begun to love him? Was his friend merely kidding, pulling another one of his infamous pranks? And if not, was he truly sincere?
James felt the beginnings of a headache creeping along the edges of his consciousness. The emotion in Sirius' eyes, the depth of torture he had seen there- it was real. How could he have missed it all these years, been so blind and ignorant?
It wasn't the fact that his best friend, also a male, being in love with him that hit James the hardest, but the fact that his confession had thrown the Gryffindor team chaser into a turbulent hailstorm of doubts and confusion. When Sirius had whispered such potent words, had thrown such intense longing and want into the early morning air, had confessed to such a thing- James' secure and orderly world had shattered in a heartbeat. He had felt the slightest lurch of response, the tiniest tremble of acknowledgement deep in his stomach, the deafening roar of blood in his ears, the rasping flood of hushed voices ricocheting between the walls of his lungs. Complete Apocalypse.
It was as if his body knew something he didn't- something secret, hidden, protected from the outside world. Only his mind was thick enough to overlook it, thick enough to fail at understanding it.
There. A door standing slightly open, out of place in the untouched hallway. Unease standing rancid in the air, as if a century's worth of settled dust had been disturbed, leaving microscopic chaos dancing through the space.
As James hurried forward, the muffled sounds of sobbing reached him, groping desperately for pity. It was Lily, slumped in an unused desk, head pillowed on her thin arms, long red locks cascading down her back in a perfect red waterfall. Her tears were broken with unintelligible muttering, like the mumblings of a diseased person in the throes of temporary sanity, a rare window in time that showed them the cold reality of their world.
"Lily." He placed his large, calloused hands upon her slim shoulders, racked with sobs.
She jerked away from his touch, curling in upon her self. "Go away! I don't want to hear your words, they're all lies! I don't want to hear your lies!"
"But I'm not lying, I've never lied to you!" James raised his voice, reaching for a firmer grasp on the young woman's shoulders.
Lily stood suddenly, the chair skidding backwards, her skirt flaring out around her. Her fists were clenched by her sides, and her face was stained with tears. "You lie to me every day, James! You lie to me when you hold me, when you kiss me, when you tell me you love me! I can see it, in your eyes, the distance- You may have yourself fooled into believing that I'm the only one, but I'm not so thick! I can read it all, James! You don't love me!"
James moved to go to her, but something froze him in place. That same sickening lurch inside that was slowly forcing him to see through the haze, to see the truth. That glimmer of recognition, that stark realization.
Lily continued with her accusation, albeit calmer now. "You just haven't figured it out yourself yet, Jamie. You could go on forever lying to me, yes. Yes, you could. And nothing would change: I'd still love you, and look into your eyes, and know that you don't love me. But if you would only stop lying to yourself… then everything would change…"
She sank to the ground, skirt pooling out around her slim legs. "I love you, James. With all my heart. But I'm not the only one." She drew her knees up, wrapping her arms tightly around them. "And as much as I would love for us to go on this way, with you by my side, I can't stand to see you lying to yourself." Her tears began to flow again, quietly, quickly. "I just can't look into your eyes anymore, James, and see that same distance, that distance you put between me and your heart. I know that's where your horizon leads, James, because someone's already there." She looked up at him. "Someone's already standing by your heart, Jamie, smiling and waving, surrounded by love. And that person belongs there, they always have. You just haven't realized it yet. There's already someone else… someone you love."
James staggered backwards, falling none too gently onto his rear. His mind was a whirling vortex. A blizzard of emotion. All coherent thought had deserted him. Two different people were telling him that he loved someone else; and yet, deep inside, he knew he loved each of them.
Lily continued to watch her boyfriend, silently. She wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of one dusty hand, smearing the flawless skin with one long gray smudge, then crawled up to him, placing her lips upon his. He did not register at first, only staring at her with a blank expression. Then, as if craving a source of warmth and security, he returned the kiss, leaning into it, desperate for comfort and reassurance. But Lily pulled away, her eyes a study in regret and remorse, poorly disguised with a thin coat of sadness. "Jamie…" She whispered, "I don't mean to break your heart, but… aren't you kissing the wrong person?"
-----
Sirius walked quickly down the hallway, long black cloak billowing behind him, his lithe young frame carrying him nearly as fast as his mind was racing. He had to see James. He had to apologize, to pretend it was all some big prank. He had to bring things back to normal. If Prongs hated him… well, he couldn't even begin to consider that option. It was a step into a dark place that he hoped he never had to tread in.
He found himself wishing desperately that he had the Marauders' Map on him, but Peter had it- he was using it to nick butter beer from the kitchens. Sirius was finding it increasingly difficult to track James. So far all he had gathered from students was that James and Lily had taken off from the common room and gone down the staircases from the tower, leading out into the main corridor and then down the Charms hallway. No one usually went past there; the only thing after it was an old, crumbling assortment of corridors once reserved for guest quarters and spare classrooms. As far as his knowledge from exploration went, they hadn't been touched in decades.
Sirius rounded yet another corner, and spotted a door hanging open, out of place in the deserted hallway. He approached it silently, slowly, and was only three feet from the opening when he heard the first sound. A voice, thick with clouded emotion, muffled by clothing;
"Lily…"
Sirius closed the remaining distance, recognizing that voice instantly, sending shivers up his spine. He tugged gently at the heavy wooden door, and peered inside. What he saw reversed the flow of blood in his veins, and shattered his hope, leaving only the shards to pierce his heart.
James and Lily were embracing tightly in the center of the room, faces buried in each other's hair and clothes. Lily's face was streaming with tears, her pale, slender hands grasping James' robes with anxiety. "James…" She choked, "I love you… I'll still love you, even after this… I'll always love you…"
James' only response was to hold her tighter, eyes squeezed shut, as if he knew it was the last time he'd ever touch her.
Sirius tore his gaze from the sight, too broken to look on any longer. He felt his illusions of happiness melting away, the liquid remnants of it burning through his body in a mockery of his romantic, wistful longings. It was too painful, too searing, too heartbreaking. Remus had wasted his breath; Sirius didn't have the strength to approach his best friend, didn't have the willpower left needed to right the situation.
The sky was falling, and he was drowning in it.
-----
James returned to his room sluggishly, drained of life. He had faced the biggest problem he had ever need deal with, and he had conquered it. He was exhausted from the realization that his heart had been following a different path for years, and that he had been too thick to understand it, too thick to see where his love had been resting.
His orderly world was gone; in its place was a jumbled puzzle with pieces scattered across the globe; he only needed to put it together.
The only problem left was one that would rob him of the last of his reserves. Would the pieces of the puzzle fit?
James returned to his dorm; no one was there. Remus and Peter were probably at Hogsmeade, and Sirius- well, it was silly to think that Sirius would be in their room after what had happened early that morning. James collapsed onto his bed, grateful of the solitude, the time for him to sort out his feelings, and fell into a deep sleep.
-----
Sirius easily found Remus and Peter; they were coming up a path on the school grounds from Hogsmeade. The werewolf was clutching a bag filled with candies, and one pocket of Peter's robes had a very familiar piece of parchment protruding from it.
Remus was the first to notice the taller boy, leaning against a tree by the Quidditch Pitch, dark locks falling into his eyes, his face ashen. There was no wind that day, and Sirius looked like a melancholy statue, still and alone.
"Sirius?" Remus called softly, approaching his friend, Peter in tow. "Sirius… are you alright?"
Sirius merely dropped his head farther, refusing to make eye contact.
Remus turned to his companion. "Peter… this is an intimate matter between Padfoot and I… could you spare us a moment?"
Peter looked skeptical, but nodded and meandered off, making back towards the fours' dormitory, back to Gryffindor Tower.
Remus approached Sirius and placed one hand gently on the pale boy's arm. "Sirius… you don't have to tell me… I just want to know… are you alright?"
Sirius indeed said nothing, only fell forward and wrapped his arms tightly around the werewolf, burying his face into the patched and frayed robes, letting his tears soak into the fabric.
Remus' hand quivered in midair, then he brought it down, slowly, and rested it on Sirius' back. He closed his eyes and cradled the other boy's head on his shoulder, brushing his lips against the ebony locks. "Did he speak to you, Padfoot?"
Sirius shuddered in grief, but managed a weak, trembling note: "He… he's gone back to Lily. He loves her, Moony… and it's the right kind of love. She'll be his wife, and have his babies… what I feel for him… it's sick. It's wrong." Sirius' hands clenched the fabric so harshly that his knuckles paled, matching the cold sky above. "He won't speak to me. He'll never speak to me again…"
-----
James woke and rubbed the sleep from his eyes as a dorm shut. Sitting up, he let the blankets slide and groped for his glasses; Peter was crossing the room, munching on a Danish, oblivious to his presence.
"Peter…?"
The smaller boy stopped. "Oh, James. Good morning, sleepyhead." He smiled and pulled another Danish from his pocket. "Want one? I heard you and Lily had a fight."
James smiled grimly to himself. "Not just a fight." He murmured, but left it at that, despite Peter's quirked, inquisitive eyebrow.
"Did you and Moony go to Hogsmeade?" He yawned, pulling on a crimson sweater.
"Yep. Awful drab weather today, the sky's not a bit darker than snow. I suspect we'll be seeing some of it soon, too."
James stumbled over to the window, looking up. The situation of their dorm was perfect for looking at the stars at night, something he and Sirius often did. Sirius…
James flushed as his thoughts turned to the young man he loved. Well, he had always loved him, but in a best-friend kind of way. But now… now he knew what that 'love' had only been a disguise for. And it was enough to convince him to leave Lily.
Suddenly, something caught his eye. Two boys, embracing, by the Quidditch Pitch. He knew it was two boys from their height and body shape, and two Gryffindors at that, for even though they were dressed in casual clothes; they still wore their maroon-and-gold scarves in the bitter weather.
James leaned closer, pressing his nose to the glass. Were they… together? Were there two boys in his house that were… well… like him? And now one was kissing the top of the other's head… with full pink lips, and sandy hair…
James had both palms splayed across the cool surface now, straining and squinting, desperate. Could that be… Remus? His heart skipped a beat. And… and no, no… not… Sirius… It couldn't be… they were embracing, and now they were on the ground, and Remus was holding Sirius close, cradling him against his chest, whispering something into Sirius' ear…
James tore his gaze away and slumped down against the wall, all in one fluid movement.
He had been wrong. Sirius did not love him. It was all a joke, all an illusion.
James felt the tears coming, pooling upon the rims of his eyes, threatening to overflow, to spill ceaselessly down. He had fallen for that joke. Fallen so hard.
He still loved Sirius Black.
-----
Sirius avoided James all the rest of that weekend, and James did the same. It was not hard: Hogwarts was a large school, and there were so many places to be, so many things to do. Remus stayed by Sirius' side; he was under the impression that James had refused Sirius, and that Sirius needed his companionship. He had no idea that the whole thing was all a large and grandiose misunderstanding.
Peter, bless the great git, remained absolutely clueless.
Monday morning dawned much the same way that Saturday morning had, only no confessions were spoken beneath the moon, or the disappearing stars. Sirius lingered in bed longer than usual, listening to be sure that James and Peter had left and finished their showers before he made his way to the lavatory with Remus.
Only two or three students remained in the common room when Sirius and Remus finally headed down to breakfast; and their table in the Great Hall was dead silent. With Lily white as stone and sipping from her pumpkin juice with cold aloofness, and James and Sirius at opposite ends of the table, with Peter and Remus flitting back and forth to both of them, the whole atmosphere was uneasy, and the entire student body was thrown into confusion.
It was not until Herbology, their first class of the day, began, that any attempt at conversation was made.
"So." Remus ventured, as the four sat around a dirty wooden table repotting seedlings. "Er, I didn't see much of you this weekend, James. Were you and Lily out?"
Wrong question.
James visibly stiffened. "No." He responded brusquely.
Peter's small eyes darted back and forth between his two taller friends. There was definitely something fishy going on here.
Remus flushed and tried once again. "So… Sirius… did you do anything fun? Pull any pranks?"
Sirius was ashen-faced, and was moving stiffly, his eyes not once leaving the pots before him. "I-"
But James cut him off. "Well, you'd know, wouldn't you, Moony? You were with him the entire time."
Remus flushed scarlet and looked at his lap as he worked, brows knitting together in hurt.
Sirius looked up at James, his voice thickening. "Don't yell at him, James. He's only trying to ease the obviously tense situation here."
"I only meant to instigate pleasant conversation." James replied hastily, training his eyes on his work.
"Well, you're obviously not succeeding at this table. If it's pleasantries you want, then why don't you go sit with Lily, I'm sure she'd love to exchange pleasure with you." Sirius' face had paled, if possible, even more, and his long thin fingers trembled.
James stood suddenly, sending his chair flying out behind him. "If I wanted to sit with her, I would have!" James' voice shook with emotion. "But I wanted to sit with you! She wouldn't have me back now, even if I begged her!" James sat heavily back down, chest rising and falling in rapid succession.
Sirius was staring at him, along with half of the class. His lips moved, slightly, like the last will of the dying. "You wanted to sit with me?"
James was a furious shade of crimson now, blushing head to toe. He tried vainly to pot the last plant, but his shaking limbs failed him, and dirt spilled everywhere; growling in disgust at his own inability, he shoved the thing violently away from him, then dropped his head into his hands. "Yes…" He whispered. "Yes, I wanted to sit with you. But you don't fucking want to sit with me, do you? No, you'd rather sit with him…"
Sirius glanced absently at Remus, who was agape with confusion and slowly dawning realization. "Moony…?" He hissed.
James met Sirius' eyes, his face streaked with tears. "Why did you lie to me, Sirius? Why did you tell me that? Once I thought I loved Lily, but then I lost her… and now I think I love you. But… but I don't want to lose you…"
And Sirius was on his feet, at his friend's side, cupping James' chin in his palm and tilting the dirt-smudged face up. Tears flowed into their kiss, salty and hot, and the entire world stopped, suspended in the chaotic dance of history rearranging itself. The threads unraveled, and respun themselves anew; a tapestry of vibrant colors that wound each lost child up in pure, unadulterated love.
It was a beginning. It was an end.
It was fate rearranged.
Fin
[sequel? Lemme know what you think. ^^]