My Lord and commander Dark Helmet brought another thing to the cellar where
Too-Many-Teenagers-To-Count now await the meal that the mousetrap is NOT
going to eat for them...
"Stop rambling." Grumbled Sev. "Get on with it."
(A/N This guy is beginning to grind my final nerve)
With all the energy he had left, which was hardly any, Sev got up to face the author.
"Bring it on, Tweedass!"
(A/N Tweedass? You will pay for making up an insult! Only the supreme Lord Dark Helmet is allowed to make up insults!)
"Stop, extremist!" Said Sev, but the author was already having her much needed revenge! He was going down with a nasty bug. All that could save him? FOOD!
Well, back to the story line, Lord Dark Helmet brought a ragged piece of cloth down to the cellar and chucked it in laughing and commenting that food may be down tomorrow if he could resurrect the cook.
"The Sorting Hat?" Sirius looked at it with disgust. You couldn't eat it so it wasn't worth his attention.
But Sev's mouth was watering.
"Severus, what the hell is wrong with you?" Asked Rene on seeing this. Before Sev could answer, however, a 29-year-old half oriental man with wavy black hair materialised looking vaguely confused.
"ICE CREAM SODA!" Screamed Justine. Remus groaned.
"Why? Just when I had my girlfriend all to myself, why did this person have to materialize?"
Ice Cream Soda looked at Justine.
"Hi Juss. Where am I and what happened to the strip club I was at five minutes ago?" He asked. Justine blanched.
"Strip club?" She killed the bastard for two timing her.
(A/N Damn, but he had a nice arse!)
"Quit it, asshole. Or I'll eat the Sorting Hat" Sev moaned, his illness driving him insane.
"You should have been a Slytherin!" The Sorting Hat complained.
"He is." Remus told it.
(A/N Well, it would have been a poor lookout for Death Eaters of the world had he been a bloody Hufflepuff!)
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sev retorted.
(A/N Whatever you want it to mean)
Lupin, noticing the body of Ice Cream Soda on the floor, felt his wolf instincts get the better of him in his hunger and started eating it. Hermione shrugged and joined in.
(A/N Sev was too busy trying to eat the Sorting Hat...)
Sev couldn't answer the author, having got a mouth full of hat.
Suddenly, Ice Cream Soda's body vanished and The Lord of All The Cheeses, alias Dark Helmet, came in bearing cheese and a formidable looking mousetrap. In that instant, Cas vanished because she was bored and isn't really important in the plot anymore.
"Here. Eat the cheese and report to me when you are done" The Cheesemaster ordered. Everyone agreed, even Sev, who was desperate to get rid of his vaguely irritating illness that was driving him mad.
"Wow. How did you know I liked Portsalut?" asked Lily, savouring the name of her favorite cheese, which was, by coincidence, the author's favourite as well.
(A/N Try it melted! It's divine!)
"This is us being tortured, not you trading cooking tips with your readers!" Sev complained. The author, subdued by this news, carried on typing.
When everyone was fed and cheesed, Dark Helmet introduced the formidable looking mousetrap.
"This is {Insert Mousetrap Name Here}. He will be the one to brainwash and/or convert you." He told them, and then he left.
(A/N DAMN! By the way, about the mousetrap name, my inspiration has left me and I can't think of one, so...)
{Insert Mousetrap Name Here} smiled (A/N if mousetraps can smile) at the group before turning on Hermione who was nearest. Hermione clung to Sev, for some reason, and then the prophecy was fulfilled.
"This IS one of those fics where I go back in time and end up falling in love with Remus or Sirius or Snape! I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH SNAPE?!?!? GOD HELP ME!!! GOD HELP US ALL!!!" She cried, while clinging on to her lover.
Sev looked horrified (as did Sirius and Remus) and tried to shake her off, but she was more persistent than a limpet at mating season.
"You fell in love with Snape?" Sirius asked, shocked. "Remus is taken but I'm free! What about me?"
Sev somehow succeeded in throwing the horny limpet off him and Hermione was taken by {Insert Mousetrap Name Here}.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Please, NOOOOOOOOO!!!" She begged, as the mousetrap pried into her brain and took her away to live where Dumbledore and the converted Slytherin third years lived.
The others in the cellar looked on in horror, apart from Sev, who had been temporarily blinded after having a hairpin rammed into his eyes by an enraged Sirius. (Who blamed him for stealing his 'girlfriend')
(A/N Shhh! Don't tell! He fancies Hermione!)
Sirius had disregarded the fact that Snape was already going out with Rene and forced the hairpin into both of his eyes anyway. How kind.
Sev staggered around blindly, not noticing {Insert Mousetrap Name Here} who was waiting behind him, ready to take him to his doom.
(A/N I said I'd have revenge! All you others, watch out! The wrath of Severus Snape is here, even if he is blind for a week or so. Wow this story is going to be fun. I love blinding Snape, it's so... relaxing...)
Snape swore at the ceiling before running sightlessly into a wall and losing consciousness.
{Insert Mousetrap Name Here} closed in for the not-quit-kill-but-comes- pretty-close...
CLIFFHANGER!!! See you all next chapter!
"Stop rambling." Grumbled Sev. "Get on with it."
(A/N This guy is beginning to grind my final nerve)
With all the energy he had left, which was hardly any, Sev got up to face the author.
"Bring it on, Tweedass!"
(A/N Tweedass? You will pay for making up an insult! Only the supreme Lord Dark Helmet is allowed to make up insults!)
"Stop, extremist!" Said Sev, but the author was already having her much needed revenge! He was going down with a nasty bug. All that could save him? FOOD!
Well, back to the story line, Lord Dark Helmet brought a ragged piece of cloth down to the cellar and chucked it in laughing and commenting that food may be down tomorrow if he could resurrect the cook.
"The Sorting Hat?" Sirius looked at it with disgust. You couldn't eat it so it wasn't worth his attention.
But Sev's mouth was watering.
"Severus, what the hell is wrong with you?" Asked Rene on seeing this. Before Sev could answer, however, a 29-year-old half oriental man with wavy black hair materialised looking vaguely confused.
"ICE CREAM SODA!" Screamed Justine. Remus groaned.
"Why? Just when I had my girlfriend all to myself, why did this person have to materialize?"
Ice Cream Soda looked at Justine.
"Hi Juss. Where am I and what happened to the strip club I was at five minutes ago?" He asked. Justine blanched.
"Strip club?" She killed the bastard for two timing her.
(A/N Damn, but he had a nice arse!)
"Quit it, asshole. Or I'll eat the Sorting Hat" Sev moaned, his illness driving him insane.
"You should have been a Slytherin!" The Sorting Hat complained.
"He is." Remus told it.
(A/N Well, it would have been a poor lookout for Death Eaters of the world had he been a bloody Hufflepuff!)
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sev retorted.
(A/N Whatever you want it to mean)
Lupin, noticing the body of Ice Cream Soda on the floor, felt his wolf instincts get the better of him in his hunger and started eating it. Hermione shrugged and joined in.
(A/N Sev was too busy trying to eat the Sorting Hat...)
Sev couldn't answer the author, having got a mouth full of hat.
Suddenly, Ice Cream Soda's body vanished and The Lord of All The Cheeses, alias Dark Helmet, came in bearing cheese and a formidable looking mousetrap. In that instant, Cas vanished because she was bored and isn't really important in the plot anymore.
"Here. Eat the cheese and report to me when you are done" The Cheesemaster ordered. Everyone agreed, even Sev, who was desperate to get rid of his vaguely irritating illness that was driving him mad.
"Wow. How did you know I liked Portsalut?" asked Lily, savouring the name of her favorite cheese, which was, by coincidence, the author's favourite as well.
(A/N Try it melted! It's divine!)
"This is us being tortured, not you trading cooking tips with your readers!" Sev complained. The author, subdued by this news, carried on typing.
When everyone was fed and cheesed, Dark Helmet introduced the formidable looking mousetrap.
"This is {Insert Mousetrap Name Here}. He will be the one to brainwash and/or convert you." He told them, and then he left.
(A/N DAMN! By the way, about the mousetrap name, my inspiration has left me and I can't think of one, so...)
{Insert Mousetrap Name Here} smiled (A/N if mousetraps can smile) at the group before turning on Hermione who was nearest. Hermione clung to Sev, for some reason, and then the prophecy was fulfilled.
"This IS one of those fics where I go back in time and end up falling in love with Remus or Sirius or Snape! I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH SNAPE?!?!? GOD HELP ME!!! GOD HELP US ALL!!!" She cried, while clinging on to her lover.
Sev looked horrified (as did Sirius and Remus) and tried to shake her off, but she was more persistent than a limpet at mating season.
"You fell in love with Snape?" Sirius asked, shocked. "Remus is taken but I'm free! What about me?"
Sev somehow succeeded in throwing the horny limpet off him and Hermione was taken by {Insert Mousetrap Name Here}.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Please, NOOOOOOOOO!!!" She begged, as the mousetrap pried into her brain and took her away to live where Dumbledore and the converted Slytherin third years lived.
The others in the cellar looked on in horror, apart from Sev, who had been temporarily blinded after having a hairpin rammed into his eyes by an enraged Sirius. (Who blamed him for stealing his 'girlfriend')
(A/N Shhh! Don't tell! He fancies Hermione!)
Sirius had disregarded the fact that Snape was already going out with Rene and forced the hairpin into both of his eyes anyway. How kind.
Sev staggered around blindly, not noticing {Insert Mousetrap Name Here} who was waiting behind him, ready to take him to his doom.
(A/N I said I'd have revenge! All you others, watch out! The wrath of Severus Snape is here, even if he is blind for a week or so. Wow this story is going to be fun. I love blinding Snape, it's so... relaxing...)
Snape swore at the ceiling before running sightlessly into a wall and losing consciousness.
{Insert Mousetrap Name Here} closed in for the not-quit-kill-but-comes- pretty-close...
CLIFFHANGER!!! See you all next chapter!